by Bill Hicks
In the end – all will be healed.
CapZeyeZ Live! with Dave Prewitt
(24 October 1993)
Presenter: You’re the first on the air tonight. What can we do for you?
Caller 1: Hallo. Mr Hicks, I got a coupla questions. First of all, I caught your act on HBO, the HBO special, and I was wondering, I know you’re playing at the Laff Stop tomorrow, and I was just wondering, what kind of venue do you normally play? Do you play the Comedy Stops or do you do concert halls? Cos I know a lot of your stuff is borderline, I’m not sure if you’re, for lack of a better term, like a social commentator or a comedian. OK. And I was just wondering what you had to say about that, and if you were thinking about getting any kind of more deeply into your subjects, rather than just, like I say [. . .] with a light brush, a light touch. Anyway, I’ll get off the line.
Bill: Great questions, very astute questions. I will tell you this, that in England I play concert halls solely. And in America . . . ah, I’m on at the Laff Stop – does that explain anything to you? In England something happened between me and the audience, and I’ll tell you what happened was they aired things like that HBO special the gentlemen just talked about and other specials that I’ve done, unedited on their four channels – they have only four channels. So they aired it, unedited, at prime-time TV, so consequently the audience that saw it – a huge audience in the UK – they had a good portion of people see it and like exactly what I really do. It wasn’t edited, there was no . . . it wasn’t like going on TV here. So there was huge crowds. It’s been beautiful over in England.
Presenter: Course not here.
Bill: It hasn’t happened here, and there’s . . . you know, I could nitpick, but I will say things have picked up here. But as far as the material, much more am I getting into the subject matter, and if you come out to the show, there’ll be nothing I did on the HBO show that you will see here. And the material is . . . I don’t consider it really comedy. I don’t even consider it the difference between comedy and drama, to be honest with you. I think as long as it’s entertaining and interesting and hopefully funny, that it has merit as entertainment, and I appreciate the question. I would love to get out of comedy clubs and play theatres. I think social criticism is much needed in America, and unfortunately it’s like Noam Chomsky said, ‘The emperor wears no clothes, but he doesn’t like to be told it.’ Ha ha ha! Those emperors.
Caller 2: Hello, I was asking Bill that the difference between London humor and American humor is just ungodly, and . . .
Bill: So is the difference between English accents and yours. (laughs)
Caller 2: I just don’t understand what . . . like the Bill Clinton and everything up here, I just don’t get it. What is the thing that makes you sell your humor.
Bill: Makes me sell my humour? Tell my humour?
Presenter: What was that?
Caller 2: Tell your humor. Where do you get your ideas for jokes from?
Bill: OK, good question Mr Faux Englishman. (laughs) That accent’s worse than the one I do, and mine’s pretty bad. I do the only Englishman with a drawl, I think, in the world. Anyway, where I come up with material particularly is . . . it’s very simple. Anything that defies my sense of reason. I don’t look outside myself for answers. I kind of feel like everyone has a voice of reason inside ’em, and I believe that’s been quelled to a large degree by our multimedia society that we live in, but anything that defies my voice of reason comes out, and you hold it up to the light of reason – that’s the premise – and then you start nailing it, and those are the jokes, until what’s left is a laughter, I think, of recognition of a truth. If that’s not arcane and metaphysical enough for you, put on the special glasses.
Caller 3: Hey, I just want to say that I think that’s bullshit about that David Letterman stuff, and as far as I’m concerned, I’m not gonna watch that show any more until Dave quits sucking that corporate cock. I’m behind you 100 per cent, man.
Bill: Well, I tell ya . . . I been watching the show since this incident happened with a different light in myself, and I have always . . . I’ve liked Dave and he’s always been – well, I can’t say he’s been supportive, because in fact I feel like I’ve finally realized something: I’ve been for the last – however many times I’ve done it – in an abusive relationship that I keep going back for more. ‘Bill, we love you, cos you’re so edgy and hip. But when you come on our show could you not be that way?’ And I made the mistake of doing it, thinking, ‘Oh well, you know, I’ll rewrite everything so it fits’, and now I have no interest in doing that whatsoever. I would rather be on Dave’s show here on Public Access than play to three million yahoos, who think they’re watching something radical or rebellious.
Caller 4: I think that you’ve become one of the few really good visionary comics. I think like you and Dennis Miller and Will Durst are probably on that cutting edge, that Mort Sahl/Lenny Bruce type thing.
Bill: Oh, I appreciate that. There’s a handful of others who you haven’t heard of cos they’re even more on the edge and you’re never gonna hear ’em.
Caller 4: Why not?
Bill: Because there’s no venue. Comedy clubs won’t book ’em, and America does not take comedy seriously, social criticism seriously. If you look at even the careers of Mort Sahl and Lenny Bruce, you’ll notice that one was basically run out of the business and the other one killed himself due to lack of work. This is how America supports social criticism . . .
HBO didn’t censor me, and I got to give ’em credit for that. But Mort Sahl – there’s a great documentary I saw on Mort Sahl on PBS, and he seems to be . . . he seems kind of at peace with himself, and in a way – I don’t want to get too, again, esoteric – but I’m kind of at peace with myself as well. I don’t really care any more. There are venues and there are avenues, but they are not going to be mainstream. But that’s why I love Public Access, that’s why England has opened up for me, and HBO was nice enough not to edit anything except due to time constraints. I think there’s a change coming up, man. You can’t put out puerile crap twenty-five hours, cos eventually there’s gonna be chaos in the streets, which there already is, because people are frustrated not having their voice of reason confirmed. And everyone has that voice of reason that goes, ‘This is bull, man. What I’m watching is bull.’ And yet the media does not confirm it, so after a while people get . . . they begin to think they’re insane. And that’s the bummer about it, but that’s why I love non-mainstream stuff, because you actually hear honest emotions, and that’s what you won’t hear on mainstream TV ever, is honest emotions.
Caller 4: Before I . . . I’ll hang up now, but before you get out of there, give me your take on two things. Give me your take on the Palestinian Peace Accord, and what the hell are we doing in Somali and Haiti? What the hell is that all about? Now they’re talking about . . . did you hear the news today about the bomb in Northern Ireland?
Bill: No.
Caller 4: Oh yeah, somebody threw a bomb into a shopping complex, a downstairs shopping complex where nobody can escape, killed nine, injured about fifty, and we’re supposed to send some sort of peace envoy over there to try and work this all out between the Catholics and Protestants, like that’s gonna happen. Why don’t we have the Crusades all over again.
Bill: Right. Well, my take on any of the foreign affairs of the US Government is at best cynical and completely doubtful that their motives are our motives or anything other than the elite maintaining the status quo. As far as the Palestinians specifically, they were there, they need their land, and Israel is a satellite of this country. We sell them nuclear weapons, and you can just imagine what kind of deal the Palestinians are gonna get. And as far as the Somalia/Haiti, what we’re doing is spreading democracy at gunpoint. In other words . . .
Caller 4: Well, they’ll have health care at least.
Bill: Well, they’re gonna need it, cos McDonald’s going in first . . . I can’t answer those questions, and I tell you who I lo
ve to read is Noam Chomsky, and if y’all can get into Noam Chomsky at all, he will definitely take a squeegee to your third eye, and that’s what we need to have happen. But thanks for calling. I appreciate it.
Presenter: Are you planning on going back to Dave? I know he had expressed wanting to have you back.
Bill: Yeah, after this New Yorker article comes out on Monday, I don’t know if they’re gonna express that same feeling.
Presenter: Well, you know, we each have our thing to do, and I don’t know if being on Dave would have been that other step, you know?
Bill: I don’t really care any more, cos you know what? I’ve never been me on Dave. You know, out of all the other eleven appearances I’ve done on the show, I’ve never had anyone come up to me and go, ‘I saw you on Letterman last night. You were great.’ And the reason that is, I’ve never been me on that show. And I don’t really know if it’s enough respect for myself to go on and play a game that’s not me, so I don’t really care any more, to be honest with you. And that’s it. I don’t really care. There’s other venues and there’s other outlets, and let them play their game. And I tell you what: it is, as another caller mentioned, everyone’s getting screwed now, and it’s becoming so transparent they’re fucking lying that it’s laughable, and that’s all I want to say on that.
Unresolvable Problems - Resolved!
(November 1993)
Bosnia-Herzegovina, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Bosnia-Herzegovina . . . That’s all you hear in the news these days. The general consensus amongst the press is one of perplexity and puzzlement, as the pundits keep asking themselves (aloud) how it is ‘Americans can sit back and let this carnage in Bosnia-Herzegovina continue? How can the American people sit back so apathetically and watch this terrible carnage and “ethnic cleansing” take place? The images of horror we pump into American homes around the clock have had no discernible effect. Why is that?’ (Etc. Etc. Adnauseam.)
I’d like to venture a guess here. Could it be because you, The Media – acting as the mouthpiece for the elite state power you serve, have lied about EVERY SINGLE STORY you’ve ever reported on? From the ‘inhuman savagery’ of Native Americans, to the unchallenged ‘he’s a Hitler’ statement regarding Saddam Hussein, perhaps we’re just a little tired of having our emotional chain yanked by you agenda-setting wastrels. Perhaps we’re tired of being played like a cheap violin. Maybe, just maybe, you’ve cried ‘Wolf!’ one too many times.
Bosnia-Herzegovina conveniently took center stage in your nightly newscast just as the Iraq war petered out and George Bush slinked away defeated. It’s most impressive how this thousand-year-old conflict only recently became headline news, and TOP STORY significance. What a scoop! You eager Truth Seekers definitely can’t be accused of dragging your feet. I guess you had to wait for the discovery of America and then the invention of television in order for the images you pass on [to] be extremely graphic and appalling, and therefore, hopefully, insuring a speedy end to this now Vital conflict. (Now that is thinking ahead!)
Do you really care about Bosnia-Herzegovina? Or is Bosnia-Herzegovina just another in a long series of UNRESOLVABLE PROBLEMS you shrilly go on about in order to keep the general populace anxious, confused, helpless, ultimately – controllable? Well?
I’m not suggesting what is happening there is not tragic. It is. And just to show you I’m not totally insensitive to the plight of the . . . Serbs? Bosnians? Muslims? Croatians? Women? Children?, or whomever you’re going to feature in tonight’s newscast in order to push our buttons . . . I will solve this Unresolvable Problem right now – free of charge. And just to show you I’m not some pie-in-the-sky peacenick, spoilsport – I guarantee we’ll still get to use the full extent of our military strength. (Whew!) Here’s how we do it: We find out where the Bosnians, Serbs, Muslims, whomever, are getting their weapons and then we blow up those suppliers with extreme [. . .] I’d be willing to bet enthusiasm for ‘ethnic cleansing’ will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties. (Hey, something just occured to me. If civilization had a No Tolerance attitude towards the makers of weapons, maybe there’d be less war . . . sorry.)
I know, I know . . . you’re thinking ‘Blow up the arms dealers!? How could that possibly help?’ Well, just think how much we Americans will save on petrol. Our planes can just drop their bombs on take-off! A secondary target could be those propaganda outlets that stoke the fires of our hatreds and keep us at each other’s throats while the powers that be continue to enact their agendas with impunity. Imagine how entertaining that would be – sitting at home watching the finest war machine the world has ever seen, bombing their own bases and munitions factories, then heading towards Atlanta and the CNN bunker where they will perform their final kamikaze mission for peace. One by one, our TVs suddenly go blank. We turn them off and breathe a collective sigh of relief. Our shared nightmare has ended. Mordor has fallen. We could then turn to our friends, our neighbors, our gardens, our books, and even to our own thoughts, listening as songbirds provide the soundtrack for our reborn earth, and the dream of forgiveness dawns gently on our healing minds.
And what about the press? what part could you now play? Well, in light of the spineless servility you’ve shown to state power, and the function you’ve played as propagandist for the ruling elite, for your blatant obfuscations of facts, your agenda-pushing histrionics, your trivialization of all things good and important, your focusing on the trivial in order to deny serious thought and therefore keep Unresolvable Problems Unresolved, thereby assuring your continued employment, there seems to be only one HONORABLE thing left for you to do. But don’t worry, it will be remembered in your obituaries that ultimately you made the correct editorial choice. i.e. – editing yourself from the Truth Seeking, journalistic process.
Dear Scallywag,70
Please feel free to call me anytime at 310- *** - **** with questions, suggestions, or just to chat. I realize we’ve never even met. I’m sure it would be a delight.
Sincerely,
Introducing . . . Bill Hicks
Scallywag No. 14
(Autumn 1993)
Bill Hicks, the fastest up and coming alternative comedian in the States is arriving to these shores this Spring to star in his own Channel Four TV series. He has developed a cult following after a nationwide tour. He is joining Scallywag to write regularly from America.
SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL
Anyone needing additional proof just how serious this global recession has become needn’t look any further than a certain mid-Manhattan courtroom last Friday when Lucifer (yes, the Devil himself!) filed for Chapter 11. Whew! I knew Old Scratch was bankrupt spiritually, but financially as well! How could this happen?
Apparently, the Prince of Lies made some particularly bad deals in the eighties that were now coming back to haunt him . . . (Fade Out).
(Fade In – Penthouse Suite – Four Seasons Hotel – N.Y.N.Y)
Michael Bolton lays on a couch reviewing last night’s concert receipts. A cold breeze ruffles the pages he is holding. Bolton looks up and sees the Devil sitting across the table from him.
Devil:
Hello, Michael. Are you enjoying your worldly success?
Michael Bolton indicates the room around him as if to say ‘What’s not to like?’
Devil:
Good! You would agree then that I have lived up to my end of The Bargain?
Michael Bolton nods slowly.
Devil:
Excellent! Then you know why I’ve come. It’s time for you to live up to your end of our little deal, Michael. I’ve come for your soul.