by J. A. Owenby
“I’m not getting better. No matter what I tell myself, I know I don’t have long.”
I bit my lip as I lost the battle against my own tears.
“Well, you can’t. I haven’t had you in my life long enough.”
We smiled in an attempt to stop the tears and the fear that ate away at us.
“I know you’ll take good care of my sons. I have no doubt in my mind that you and Walker will be okay. I worry about Garrett, though.”
“I just assumed that Walker had talked to you about everything. He’s going to try and get stationed in Little Rock so we can see Garrett several times a month.”
“What Walker doesn’t understand is that he now belongs to the military, and he doesn’t get to make those decisions.”
“What?” I gasped.
“I couldn’t say anything before he left. He’s holding onto those hopes of staying close, but there’s no guarantee that he’ll end up in Little Rock. He has to go wherever they tell him to, and once you’re married to him the military will own you too. You’ll go where he goes.”
I shook my head as she continued to tell me that our plans were no longer our own. Our plans to be near Garrett might not work out. I might not be near my friends anymore, either. I would leave the only place I’d ever lived. I could deal with an hour-long drive, but not another state. I couldn’t leave everyone.
“I’m sorry, Lacey. We’ll just have to wait to find out what happens. They might work with him, but we won’t get that information until after boot camp. I just wanted you to understand there was a chance that plans might change.”
“This situation sucks worse every time I turn around.”
“It sure does.”
I was grateful that the rest of my afternoon was filled with an action-packed movie, popcorn, and the arcade with Garrett. Neither one of us brought up Walker or how much we wished he hadn’t left. We didn’t need to. We both clung to the moments together. Everyone was standing on shifting sand, and we didn’t know if it would hold or slide out from under our feet without any notice.
Chapter 41
Other than attending classes, I stayed close to Susan and Garrett for a few more days. I knew that my excuses of staying with Emma and Joss were wearing thin with Mama and I would have to return home soon, but I wasn’t ready to leave.
My time with Susan, Garrett, and Linda was spent at their house where we could answer the phone. We jumped every time it rang in hopes that it might be Walker calling. I had no idea how often he would be able to call, and if he only got one call, I realized it would be to his mom and I would have to wait.
It was also time for me to go back to work. I couldn’t hide from Mama or my life any longer. I hugged Susan and Garrett goodbye and promised I’d be back as soon as I could.
I stood for a moment in the driveway and stared at Walker’s car. It had been in the same place since he left.
“Hey, Susan,” I said as I stuck my head back in the house. “Do you care if I take Walker’s car? I’d like to get a battery for it while he’s gone.”
“That’s a good idea, Lacey. Thank you for taking care of that.”
I closed the door behind me and settled myself in his car. I closed my eyes and remembered our first date and the drive to the lake. Walker’s cologne filled his car, and for a moment he sat next to me and held my hand.
He had parked the car facing down the hill for the days he needed to let it roll to get it started. I appreciated his planning as I tried to start the car and was met with nothing. I held in the clutch and released the brake. It began moving down the hill, and within seconds I popped the clutch and the car came to life. I turned on the headlights and pulled out of his driveway.
I shivered and blasted the heat as I drove to the nearest shop and purchased a new battery. Now I wouldn’t worry about driving Walker’s car and getting stuck somewhere as the weather got colder.
A few hours later, I pulled into the parking lot at work, clocked in, and headed to the children’s department. Becky greeted me with a big hug as we chatted across the aisle and caught up on all the gossip that had happened while I’d been gone.
“It looks like you have some juicy news yourself,” she said, pointing to my ring. I’d been so wrapped up in my own world that I’d forgotten that no one at work had heard the news.
“Yeah,” I smiled. “He proposed the night of his going-away party.”
“Have you set a date yet?”
“No, we decided he should get through boot camp and get stationed first.” I left out the part about wanting to get married before Susan left us.
“That’s a good idea, hon. Life changes a lot when the military enters it.”
“I’ve heard,” I said, sighing.
Becky finished her shift and left me alone. I straightened up the clothes racks and changed the sale signs. It was a quiet evening and I kept thinking about Walker and wondering how he was.
I jumped when the phone rang. We had older phones in the store and they bellowed with an obnoxious ring. I made my way through the clothing racks to the register.
“Children’s department, this is Lacey.”
“I love you and I miss you so fucking bad I can’t stand it.”
“Walker! Oh my God, I love you too. How are you?”
“Tired and I hurt, but I’m doing okay. I can’t say I like Texas much, either. I hope I don’t get stationed here.”
“Have they told you anything yet about where you’re going next?”
“No, I’m not sure when we find out, but I’ve requested Little Rock and told them that Mom’s sick.”
“Maybe that’ll help if they know what’s going on.”
“How’s Garrett?”
“He’s okay. He’s really sad. I’ve been staying at your house since you left, but I’m going home tonight.” My voice fell as I finished my sentence.
“Be careful, Lace. I don’t trust your mom to not blow up again.”
“I can go to Emma or Joss’s house if I need to. I’ll be fine.” I didn’t really believe that, but he didn’t need to worry about anything else.
“I have to go, baby.”
“Already? We just got on the phone!”
“Yeah, I know. I love you. I’ll see you soon so let’s just focus on that, okay?”
“Okay. I’ve already got the time off work, too.”
“Good, and we can talk about setting a date. I gotta go.”
The phone disconnected before I was able to respond. He wasn’t kidding when he said he had to go.
I replaced the phone in the cradle and frowned. He was getting insistent about setting a date. I wanted to wait a while, but we weren’t dealing with ordinary circumstances. We were moving fast and I couldn’t help but think that he wouldn’t have proposed at all if Susan wasn’t sick and his life wasn’t taking a huge turn in a different direction.
I brushed the thought aside as I counted my register and finished work for the evening.
I barely remembered the drive home. My thoughts stayed with Walker. I brushed away the thought that I was heading in the wrong direction and I should be driving to his house instead.
I parked his car in my regular spot and let myself into a house that wasn’t my home anymore.
Mama and Patsy were watching TV. Neither one of them acknowledged me as I went straight to the kitchen and made a sandwich. After all these years of wanting to be invisible, I had accomplished it, at least for tonight. I was okay with that. I grabbed my dinner and purse and headed downstairs without saying a word.
I flipped the light switch on and groaned. The yellow walls mocked me as I set my purse on the floor. I leaned against the wall as I finished my sandwich. I debated whether to shake my sleeping bag out and vacuum my floor or not, but fear won over. I would continue my bedtime ritual before I joined the creatures of the dark and slept on the floor. I sighed as I realized that I held the power of the vacuum and sucked their lives right down the tube.
I snuggled i
nto my sleeping bag and stared at the phone. The few nights that Walker and I had been apart, we’d talked on the phone before going to sleep. Emptiness settled over me like a wet blanket as I drifted off to sleep.
* * *
I woke to Mama’s voice the next morning. That was an understatement: she was yelling at the top of her lungs. I hopped out of my sleeping bag, slipped on my shoes, and ran upstairs.
“What? Mama, what’s the matter?”
“What the hell is parked in my carport?”
Shit. I’d forgotten to mention that I had Walker’s car. I guess I’d enjoyed being invisible more than I should’ve last night.
“It’s Walker’s car, Mama. I replaced the car battery for him yesterday.”
“You can’t just drive his car around, Lacey. It’s not yours.”
“I know, Mama. I’m taking it back today. I was trying to help him and Susan was all.”
“Damn right you’re taking it back today, and I’d better not see it here again. You have a car, one Patsy and I bought you, and I’d better see you driving it next time.”
“Okay.”
“Get back downstairs, I don’t want to see your face,” Mama said.
“I have to get ready for work anyway,” I muttered.
Mama didn’t say another word as I went back downstairs. I hadn’t missed her yelling at me or being woken up to her threats.
I would stick it out for a few nights and see if it smoothed things over.
Chapter 42
I slipped into my old routine quicker than I thought I would. Between school, work, friends, and Walker’s family, I flew under Mama’s radar. I stayed with Susan and Garrett as often as I could get away with it. Joss and Emma had covered for me on three different occasions when Mama had called to check up on me.
It was simple enough to make an excuse for me to call her right back; then they would call me at Walker’s and I would call Mama. I suspected she knew that I wasn’t really at their houses. I didn’t have any idea why she was checking up on me when God could just tell her Himself. But for whatever reason, God had been quiet lately.
My excuses and plans were dwindling, however, and I was left with going home again. It was only for two days, though. We were scheduled to leave for Texas to visit Walker early Saturday morning. I couldn’t wait to kiss him again.
He’d only been able to call me one more time, and the conversation had only lasted five minutes before they made him hang up. Everything he did was dictated to him. I didn’t figure he was dealing with that very well, but I’d find out this weekend. First, I just needed to get through tonight.
No one was home when I got there. Mama rarely left the house, but sometimes they’d go for a drive. They were never gone for long, so I cooked dinner and turned on the TV. I shivered as a nagging feeling pulled at me. I ate my dinner, cleaned the kitchen, and waited for them to get home. It was almost 9 p.m. when the car pulled into the carport.
I heard Mama and Patsy laughing as they walked up the stairs. They stopped when they came through the door and saw me there.
“Sounds like you had a good day, Mama. That’s great,” I said in an awkward attempt to break the silence.
She nodded as she sat down in her chair and Patsy situated herself on the couch.
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
“Good,” she said as she grabbed the TV remote and began flipping channels.
“Have you had any more doctor’s appointments?”
“Yes, Lacey. What do you want?” she asked. She didn’t try to hide the annoyance in her voice.
“I’m just trying to see how you’re doing.”
“Well, if you ever bothered to come home then maybe you’d find out.”
“Mama, I do come home. I return to an empty bedroom and sleeping on the floor. It’s easier to stay at Joss’s or Emma’s.”
“It’s not my fault you don’t have any furniture.”
I bit my lip. I was too tired to take her bait and I had no intention of spending the rest of the evening defending myself.
“Okay, I’m just here until Saturday morning anyway,” I said and turned to go downstairs.
“Why only two days?” Mama asked.
Her voice carried a hint of disappointment. Surprised, I turned back around.
“I’m driving down to Texas to see Walker with Susan and Garrett. We leave tomorrow and I’ll be gone all weekend. I just wanted to talk to you before we left.”
I didn’t wait for her reaction; I hurried down the stairs and got ready for bed.
* * *
The next morning greeted me with typical November cloudy skies as I drove to school. I hoped it wasn’t going to rain tomorrow while I was driving. This was my first trip to Texas and I didn’t want the rain to mess it up.
I went straight home after classes and managed to avoid Mama for most of the day by staying downstairs and finishing my homework, but the smell of something yummy beckoned me upstairs. I hadn’t eaten all day. I was so excited that I wasn’t sure I was even hungry. My stomach growled in disagreement.
Before I could make a decision, Mama called me.
“Lacey, come eat dinner if you’re hungry!”
I didn’t need any more of an invitation.
“Wow, Mama. Thank you!” I said as I joined her and Patsy at the kitchen table. Mama didn’t cook very often, but when she did, she went all out.
I loaded my plate with fried chicken, green beans, and mashed potatoes. Mama filled my glass with tea.
“Are you feeling okay today?” I asked between bites. “You haven’t cooked in awhile, so I’m hoping this is a good sign that you’re getting better.”
“I’m not doing too bad. Patsy helped me with dinner.” She smiled at me.
“It’s excellent.”
“Are you excited about seeing Walker tomorrow?” Mama asked.
I wiped my mouth, unsure of where the conversation was going.
“Yeah, I really miss him,” I said and laid my fork down on the table. I reached for my tea and took a drink.
“I know it’s been hard with everything going on, Lacey. But maybe I can meet him when he’s finished with boot camp. I figure if he’s going to be a part of your life, I should get used to it.”
I frowned at Mama’s words. She’d been pissed at me ever since Krissy told her I was dating Walker. I couldn’t figure out why she was changing her mind.
“Really?”
“Yes, I mean it. Finish eating and then we’ll talk more after you get back.”
“Okay, I’d like that,” I said as I picked up my fork and finished the last bite of my mashed potatoes. I washed everything down with another drink of tea and then it hit me.
My head spun and my stomach lurched. I was going to throw up.
“Mama, I don’t feel good.”
“What’s the matter?” she asked. She didn’t bother to get up from her chair.
“I feel sick and everything is blurry,” I stammered.
“Well, you didn’t really think I was going to let you go down to Texas to see your little boyfriend did you? Stupid girl. I’ve played along with you long enough. It’s time to end this. You will not go to Texas and visit Walker this weekend, or any other weekend for that matter. And another thing—you certainly won’t be spending any more time with Susan and Garrett. I’m only going to say this one more time. You’ve allowed your demons to take you over and now you think you’re running off to Texas. Not on my watch.”
“Mama, what are you saying?”
I squinted and tried to focus on what she was saying, but my vision blurred and several Mamas sat across the table from me instead of one.
“Patsy?”
“I agree with your Mama. This nonsense has gone on long enough,” she said with a smug smile.
I fell out of my chair and onto the floor. Mama’s and Patsy’s voices continued in the background, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying anymore. Walker’s face flashed through my mind as I mel
ted into oblivion.
Chapter 43
The sunlight peered through the curtains and the clock numbers glowed a dark red as I struggled to focus on them. 11 a.m. Wait, 11 a.m.? I blinked and tried to mentally grasp something, anything, but my head remained fuzzy.
I didn’t understand. I’d eaten dinner with Mama and Patsy around 7 p.m. What happened? Why was I in Mama’s bed?
I reached for the nightstand to balance myself as I sat up, and then it dawned on me. I’d missed the trip with Susan and Garrett, and I wasn’t going to see Walker.
Panic filled me as I reached for the phone and picked it up. There was no dial tone. The phone was dead. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. My vision wasn’t blurry anymore, but my mouth tasted awful. I reached for the glass of water next to me and drained it.
* * *
I’d lost track of time. I didn’t know how long I’d been asleep, but as I lay in Mama’s bed and stared into the darkness, I tried to shake off the fog. Tears slipped down my cheeks as I remembered missing the trip to see Walker.
I grasped at spotty memories of Mama telling me I wasn’t going and that I wasn’t going to see Susan and Garrett again either. She’d done something to me. Something was really wrong.
I stumbled out of bed and crawled to Mama’s bathroom. I pulled myself up enough to get on the toilet, flipped the light switch on, and peed for what felt like hours.
After I was sure I didn’t have any more pee left in me, I grabbed onto the bathroom counter and pulled myself to the sink. I turned the cold water on, washed my hands, and splashed water on my face. I clung to the idea that it might help clear the fog from my brain.
I raised my head slowly and peered at the stranger in the mirror. My makeup was streaked and my oily hair was matted to the side of my head. My mouth was filled with grit, and I licked my lips in an attempt to eliminate my dry mouth.
I looked like shit. I felt like shit. I leaned my head against the mirror, willing this not to be real, but as the harsh reality sunk in I couldn’t stop the tears. I had no idea how long Mama had kept me drugged and in her bedroom, but it was long enough to end things with Walker.