by Carr, Suzie
“We’re at the pottery shop. We just started making mugs.”
“You didn’t answer me,” I said.
“Is that really a good idea?”
“Probably not. I just want to see you.”
“Then come,” she said. “Just come.”
Chapter Seventeen
Ruby
Nadia’s CRV pulled into the parking lot of the pottery café.
“I’ll be right back, Grampa.” I stood up and met her outside.
Nadia walked with a bounce in her step, carrying a tray of coffee, gazing at me with her tiger eyes. Her hair fell like feathers upon her shoulders, and a side-swept bang flirted close to her right eye, just the way I liked it. She wore jeans that hugged her curvy hips and a fitted zipper jacket that showed off her toned abs. Under that zipper sat her navel, deep and erotic and last touched by my tongue just weeks ago.
“Hey you,” she said with a friendly twist to her voice.
Why did she have to look so beautiful? I opened my arms and welcomed her into a hug. She fell into them and softened. Her hair smelled like she just stepped out of a salon. “You look gorgeous as ever,” I whispered.
We stood outside the pottery cafe. Nadia offered me the coffee. I preferred tea, but never let on to this tiniest of facts. She did know, however, that I liked Mozart when I bathed and that I always brushed my teeth twice at night ever since having to get my first cavity filled at the age of twenty five. She also learned that I read the bible every night before going to sleep and that in the middle of the night, I ran to the bathroom because I still feared someone grabbing my ankles from under the bed.
We had so many more things to learn about each other that we’d never get a chance to, yet, here I stood breathing her soul, hungry for her kiss, delirious without her. Nothing freaked me out more.
Nadia carried all of the power. I flittered around her like a bird with clipped wings. All of the work I’d done to reestablish my balance in the wake of her sudden and painful exit from my life disappeared with the arrival of her sexy smile and magnetic energy.
We bantered back and forth about the weather and the spa and the hotel, nudging one another, and laughing like giddy girls. Not until I sipped the last of my coffee did I manage to toss out the question that would set me up as the independent, strong one, unaffected by the unfortunate reality that lay before us. “So, how’s Jessica?”
“She’s not handling the transition well,” she said. “I feel sorry for her. I’m trying to empathize, but honestly, I have no idea what kind of thoughts must be tearing at her right now.”
Jealousy ripped through me. I envisioned them curled up together in their bed, under a sea of comforting blankets warmed by their naked bodies, Nadia caressing her hair, her skin, her soul. I hated that she had this grip on my life. I hated that I could so easily turn to mush in her presence. “She’s in good hands.”
Nadia scrunched up a smile. “I don’t know about that. I feel like I’m caught in between two worlds. You know?” Regret splayed out on her face.
“No need for that stress.” I leaned against the wall like a strong, cool, and collected woman who was not succumbing to a riptide of hurt inside her tummy. “You love her. You’ll work it out.”
She gazed out over the trees lining the parking lot, struggling to inhale. “So how was your date?”
“Incredible. A hot woman who can fly an airplane. What more could a girl ask for, right?” My voice carried far too much angst in it. Fuck the hot girl who could fly. I wanted the one standing in front of me.
We dueled for balance. “I hate that I can’t fix any of this.”
“Fix what?”
“Fix the fact that I am caught up in these two worlds. I care so much for Jessica,” she said. “I worry about her. I want her to be whole again. I want her to love life again. And at the same time, I hate that you went on a date. I hate that I can’t be the girl who takes off in an airplane with you. I hate that I feel this way.” She pulled in her lower lip and slowly released it on a seductive sigh.
I loved that she did. A spark of hope rested in that sigh, one that told me she’d be willing to stomp on her ideals for a temporary moment of passion. She could sneak into town, and Jessica would never have to know. The hunger growled in her eyes. The air sizzled between us. I adored her, and she adored me.
I stared at a married woman, though. She took vows. Her wife trusted those vows. She could so easily hurt me and leave me standing with my head bowed, alone, just like Grace did with Grampa.
Marriage stood in its rightful spot, front and center. I deserved no claim to her. The game had changed. She now stood before me just as eager for a temporary escape from the emptiness of our separation. A month, a year, a decade from now, I would hate for her to reflect back on me as that mistake.
I reached out for her hand and caressed it in mine. She stared down at it, then back up at me. Longing hung on each blink. “You’re a good person,” I said. “That’s what I love so much about you.”
“What we have is fun. It’s pure. The purest I’ve experienced, ever,” Nadia said. “I don’t want to wrong her. But, at the same time, I don’t want to wrong us either. You bring thrill into my life. I don’t want to give that up.”
I enjoyed the idea of fun-loving sex, but not like this, not with her. With her, I wanted more. “I don’t think you’re the type of person who can deal with having both. I also don’t want to be a mistress to you.”
“Please don’t ever call yourself that.”
I ran my fingers through Nadia’s hair. “That’s who I would be.”
She bowed her head and wrestled with tears. They leaked from her eyes, and I did everything I could to stop them. I pulled her into my arms and consoled her. I rubbed her back, her hair, squeezed her tight, and buried my head along with hers, cheek to cheek.
She twisted towards my face, and I wouldn’t let her. I pressed her head against me and rocked with her. I wanted to cave into this moment, to just pull her into my arms and hug her and tell her I wanted to continue being that source of pleasure.
One of us had to be strong. She loved two women. I only loved one. So, by default, I chose to be the strong one.
I cupped Nadia’s face in my hands. “What do you say we just have fun right now and go in there and make my grampa smile a little bit today?”
“I’d say I would love to, Ruby.”
I dropped my hands, reached out for her hand, and pushed open the door to the pottery café. “And I would say I love that you would love to, Nadia Chase.”
* *
Nadia and I returned to my condo after dropping off my grampa. Marcy and Rachel were cleaning up in the kitchen. “You girls want to join us for drinks at the Beach House?” Marcy asked.
“I’m kind of tired,” Nadia said. “I’m going to use the little girl’s room and maybe head out in a few minutes.”
Rachel passed by us and headed to her bedroom. “Suit yourself. They’re having dollar shot night.”
Nadia and I shared a private smirk before she headed into the bathroom.
A minute later, the girls swept out the door and wished me a good night.
I sat on my couch and flipped through the newspaper waiting for Nadia. She emerged looking gorgeous as ever with her caramel highlights and pink lip gloss.
She walked past me. I admired the way her jeans hugged her tight ass.
She leaned up against the pole that separated the kitchen from living room areas. Her eyes swept over me. “Just one more time. Please.”
I melted when she cocked her head and smiled at me. “Stop that.” My tummy rolled.
“Come on. Just one last time.” With coy eyes, she placed the tip of her finger in between her rosy lips and nibbled on it.
“I thought we settled this.”
Nadia pouted.
My heart raced. I stood up. “Darling,” I said, all breathy, braving closer. “Once you turn on this spigot, there’s no turning it off.”
&nbs
p; She swept me over with that seductive glance again. “I don’t want to turn it off.”
I moved in close, unable to resist her advance. “I don’t want you to either.” I feathered her lips with my fingers. She nibbled on it, never taking her eyes off of mine.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the coolness of her teeth against my finger, the softness of her lips as they hugged my skin. I pulsed and moistened, hungry for her touch. She needed this. I needed this. We were two girls with needs that only we could fulfill and satisfy.
Nadia’s eyes flickered and she bit down a little harder. Her chest rose and fell with great breadth, begging me to take her away from her misery and bring her to sheer pleasure. “Kiss me,” she whispered. “Please, kiss me.”
I couldn't contain my passion another moment. I lost my sense of resolve and strength as I pulled Nadia in close to me and kissed her hard. Then she spun me around and pushed me against the pole and tore off my top. I reciprocated and tore off hers. Panting, and clawing at each other’s clothes, we wrestled out of them and stood, skin-to-skin trembling.
We kissed as we both caressed each other, traveling to those parts that only we knew how to bring to life. Nadia began her descent down on me. I raked my hands through her hair and prompted her to keep blowing her warm breath on my most delicate skin. She knelt on the ground, her luscious lips a mere inch from serving me ecstasy. I pulled her back, and she stared up at me with desire.
“I love you, Nadia,” I whispered.
She rose to her feet and kissed me. “I love you.” She pressed harder against me. “Too much.”
I caught my breath. “Is there really such a thing?”
She rolled her tongue against mine, wedging her leg up in between mine. “Don’t you think so under the circumstances?”
I stiffened. “I suppose so.”
“We should stop, shouldn’t we?” Her breath blew hot in my mouth.
I pulsed. “If you have to ask, then yes, we should.” I clawed her back, unable to match my words with my actions. I failed to contain my euphoric release induced by her hot breath.
Nadia traveled down my neck. “I need you. I need this.” She sucked on my skin, traveling lower towards the curve of my breast, hungry, animalistic, like she would implode if I stopped her. I turned into her life source, leaning ready for the tap in, for my call to action, for my elixir to save her from her newly-troubled life.
I was the other woman, the mistress, the one with no claim, no fringe benefits, and no commitment.
I pushed away from her advances. “We should stop before someone gets hurt.”
“Please don’t push me away. Please just let’s have this moment.” Nadia moved in closer, placing her lips back on me, as if weakened by my weakness for her. In a day or two I’d be right back to the foolish person snooping around her Facebook profile for clues on her whereabouts. I’d wonder how much love she poured into Jessica. I’d stress about their future, their happiness, their investments, their laughter, and their quiet moments together. I couldn’t go through this torture.
I shoved off of her. “I don’t want to be this to you.”
She draped her hands over my shoulders. “Be what to me?”
“Be regret.”
“I could never regret you.”
I pulled away and hugged myself. “Then leave her. Just leave her.”
Nadia dropped her hands. “Why are you doing this?”
I shrugged unable to find the right words.
“You know I can’t just leave her.”
“Well then you should stay true to her.” I regretted the words as soon as they tumbled out of my mouth.
“You’re making me sound like some kind of whore.”
“Well, you’re not exactly acting like a married woman. Are you?” I dissed out one regrettable word after another.
Nadia scoffed, pulled on her clothes, then flew out of my front door and down onto the landing. Then, she ran across the two lane road straight towards the beach. I followed suit. I bolted towards her, away from the pigeons, away from their hungry snappy beaks.
“This is so unfair what you’re doing to me,” she said.
“What I’m doing to you?”
“You’re a freedom-lover, remember? You want to fly up somewhere in the clouds where no one else goes. You want to have fun. You want to remain unsettled. You want to travel around and massage people’s necks. You don’t want to commit. You are okay with me being married. Remember?”
“So I’m supposed to just be your little fuck buddy?” I tripped over the sand, following her sprint to the seashore.
“I don’t want to leave her. She needs me. Don’t you understand?”
Nadia’s words stung me like a slap. “Well, I can’t do this anymore.” I stammered away, embarrassed, humiliated and heartbroken.
She ran after me. “You wouldn’t know what to do with me if I left her. You’d feel smothered in less than a month. You’d be so bored.”
“You should just go back to her. You can obviously trust her more than me with your future.”
“That’s not fair,” she said.
“I’d rather be alone and hopeful, than with someone and lonely. So, I am choosing right now to stay alone.”
Nadia tossed her arms up in the air. “When it matters, you can’t even put aside your fears of commitment and face the truth.”
I just stared at her, at the straightness of her spine, at her soft shoulders, at her brown flowing hair. “I told you I loved you. How much more truth can I tell you?”
She sighed. “I want to be with you. I do. I can’t give you more than this, though.” She closed in on me, cupped her hands around my face. “You are on my mind always. I don’t want to ruin this good thing we have going on together. I don’t want to leave you behind. I can’t rise out of bed in the morning without first thinking of you. I can’t go to sleep at night before imagining your arms wrapping around me. I care about you Ruby Clark.”
“Prove it then.”
“I can’t.”
“You can’t or you don’t want to?”
“I don’t want to,” she said much too quickly.
“Well, there we have it. Question answered.”
We stared at each other, two broken women with exposed regrets.
“I just want things to stay the way they are.” Nadia leaned over the edge of desperation, and I pictured her losing her footing and slipping, then tumbling down into an abyss way out of my reach to help. “I want you to be you, that special willowy girl who I adore. I want to share romantic moments with you without regret. I want to sip wine and massage each other and enjoy expressing ourselves without fear of hurting the other.”
“You want two worlds.”
“I want what we’ve always had. Fun. Intoxicating sex. Friendship. A safe haven to be happy together. What we have is perfect as-is. We have fun. We enjoy each other. It’s fresh and spirited. If we change these elements, it could ruin everything.”
“So, in other words, you want freedom from guilt.”
“Yes,” Nadia whispered. “Love should never cause guilt.”
I didn’t want to be that safe place for her. I wanted to be her only place. “I don’t want to be your source of guilt one day.”
She flinched.
“Unless you leave her, you’ll feel guilt.”
Nadia’s forehead creased under the pressure. “I can’t leave her.”
“You love the way she needs you. You love being the saving grace. This defines you. You are so afraid of removing that from your life and standing on your own for once.”
She cupped her hands to her face and squeezed her eyes. “Why shouldn’t I be? Who wants to be alone? There is purpose in helping people.”
“Somewhere along the way, you broke down. You claim you blend to mend, like with your sister, but that’s bullshit. Way back when, she hit a nerve and you’ve been trying to put yourself back together ever since. You seek out people with problems and try to fix them to m
ake yourself feel whole. What you need is time to mend yourself. You’re the broken one here, Nadia.” The words landed in a thud at our feet.
Tears streamed down her face now. “Don’t do that,” she pointed. “I’m not broken. I help those who are. There’s a big difference.”
“You assumed I was broken. So you swooped in like the saving grace and tried to fix me by giving me a job and getting me to open up to you.”
Nadia nodded. “When I first met you, I saw you sleeping in your car in the parking lot. You were massaging strangers in a dark lounge. You had no plan. You were broken, and of course I wanted to help you.”
“I don’t need your help. I am not broken. I love my life. I am a survivor. I am strong-willed. I can live in a car, shower in a YMCA, eat at a homeless shelter and still smile. I don’t need a helping hand. I’ve proven that. You, on the other hand, would never be able to survive some of the things I did. So, let’s stop the martyrdom here.”
“Martyrdom? Give me a fucking break. Without me, you’d be in deep financial trouble. Admit it.”
Fuck her. “Even if you left your wife now, we’d be done. I could never be with someone who views me as weak and broken. I’m done with this conversation.”
“Stop,” she said. “Stop being ridiculous. Just because you need someone doesn’t make you weak. You’re talking out of fear now.”
“When you’re unattached like me, you are spared fear.”
Nadia rolled her eyes. “You think you’re this free-spirited, willowy princess who can land in the streams and wade under the sparkle of the sun and then fly up to mountaintops and gaze out over the land like you’re some kind of elusive being who is better than the rest of us mere mortals who have responsibilities and commitments.” She rolled her eyes and scoffed.
“You’re afraid to not have anyone at all,” I said. “You wouldn’t know how to stand up without someone by your side. You’ve always had someone by your side. If it wasn’t Jessica, it was your sister. When Jessica ended up in jail, you found me. You always need to be needed.”
“Better to be like that than to be afraid of settling down in life. Actually, I think you’re incapable of settling down.” She tightened her face. “Incapable.”