In love and ruins

by Rachael Tonks

  “Go on…” she says with a nod.

  “We talked, and I told her about you. About how my father was trying to control me and was having me followed. But we came up with a plan. Act like a couple, so she could be my cover. They are following me, babe. My father is making them watch my every move and I thought with Emily on my side, she could be a decoy. So I could see you, because it’s been hell without you, baby.”

  “Wait… seriously?”

  “Yes. I promise.”

  “But you said you didn’t want to see me. That it was safer for us to be apart.”

  I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. “Because I had no other options. But this, Tara, this gives us options.”

  “What, and Emily is happy about this? About playing the part? What exactly is she getting out of this?” she asks with narrowed eyes.

  “She remains off-limits. If I declare she’s my girl, then she’s off the table for the rest of the MC.”

  Taking my hand, she lifts it to her lips, kissing the back of my hand. “This can’t work,” she whispers.

  “No, don’t say that. It has to work, Tara, because being without you isn’t an option anymore.”

  “It’s dangerous. Too dangerous.”

  “I’ll keep you safe. He won’t hurt you, baby. He won’t ever hurt you.”

  I feel her body tremble as she hangs her head, shaking it loosely.

  “You gotta believe me. He’s losing control of the club, Tara. The guys are starting to hate the road he’s taking us down. The crazy, erratic way he does business. I have support, baby. I have support I never thought I’d have and I’m going to take him down. I promise. You won’t ever have to be scared again. Nothing will stand in our way.”

  “I want to believe you.” She cups the side of my face.

  “You have to believe me, because if you don’t then this is all for nothing. But I’m fighting, Tara. I’m fighting against my own father for you. All for you.”

  Drawing my face to hers, she presses her lips against mine softly. Gently, tears flow across her face and I taste the saltiness of them against my lips.

  “Baby, don’t. Don’t cry.”

  “I love you,” she whispers, the words barely audible. “But I need time. Please, just give me some time.”

  “You have all the time you need,” I say, offering her a smile.

  “I’m staying here with Mom for a few days. I need this, Nate. I need my mom back.”

  “Of course, I understand,” I reply, our eyes locked. I see the pain in them, wanting to be the one to take her pain away. “Tara, I’m going to make this work.” I make my promise and her eyes flutter shut. I feel like I’m losing her. Maybe I’ve put her through too much. Maybe this is one push too far.

  “I know how fucked up this has been. That I pushed you away when you needed me and I’m sorry. I’m not good at this. I did what I thought was right, only it wasn’t right. But I did it all to protect you.”

  “I’m just tired,” she says, glancing up at me. I look away, scared to look at her gaze. Because I’m afraid at what I’m going to see.

  “What should I tell Brax and Izzy? They’ve been out of their minds with worry.”

  “I’ll call, explain everything,” she replies meekly.

  “I came here looking for you. But you weren’t here.” I narrow my eyes on her, wondering whether her mom had been covering for her.

  “My mom said,” she acknowledges. “You left just before I arrived.”

  I nod, accepting her answer, but something in my gut tells me she isn’t exactly being one hundred percent truthful. She yawns, her hand covering her mouth as she does.

  “I should go,” I mutter, not wanting to leave but knowing that being here longer than necessary will come with consequences. She lets her eyes fall shut slowly and I lean in, kissing her gently on the cheek.

  “I’ll keep in touch. Promise.”

  “Sure,” she replies weakly. Placing a gentle hand on either side of her face, I tilt her focus until her eyes are on me. “You believe me, right?”

  “Of course.” She penetrates me with her sad gaze. “I just need to rest.”

  “You heard her,” Tara’s mom blurts out, causing me to jerk a little at the unexpectedness. “It’s time you went.” I glance over to the fairly glamorous middle-aged woman who clutches the shotgun in her hands, like her life depends on it.

  “Mom,” Tara scolds, shooting her a glare.

  “You need to sleep, Tara,” she’s quick to reply.

  “It’s okay,” I say stepping up from the couch. “I was just leaving.” Bending down, I kiss her on the head. “You need me… anything, just call, got it?”

  “Got it,” she says with a forced smile.

  Stepping away from her, I head out of the room, stopping for a second to glance back at her one last time. I can’t help the way my stomach knots at the sheer sight of her. She’s not herself, in fact, she’s a shadow of the girl I know and love. She never lifts her head. Her eyes are down as she plays with the throw lying across her legs.

  “I’ll see you out,” her mother chirps as she follows me out of the room and down the hall.

  “I think I can find my way,” I throw over my shoulder.

  “I really don’t know what she sees in you,” she says in a hushed voice. “You and your family are nothing but trouble.” Lifting her head, her eyes crinkle as she narrows her eyes on me. “I despise your kind.” Her voice is low but full of disgust. “Biker filth,” she all but spits at me.

  Lifting my brows, down turning my lips, I nod in agreement. “I agree.”

  “You agree?” she snarls. “So you know who you are, yet you think you’re good enough for my daughter?”

  I cock my head to the side, crossing my arms over my chest. I exhale deeply, my eyes burning into the woman standing before me. “Your daughter?” I scowl. “The one you disowned over the death of your nephew? Really?” I step closer to her, remaining as calm as I can, our faces nearly touching. “You’re a fucking hypocrite. We may not uphold the law, but we look after our own. Our family.”

  “Clearly not.” She throws her arm out to the side pointing to the room where Tara is located. “Did you see the state of her face?”

  “You think that makes me feel good?” I whisper-shout, the words hissing through my teeth. “It fucking kills me to see her like that and if I could change what happened, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

  “Why don’t you do us all a favor and just stay away from her?”

  Turning on my heel, I head for the door, grabbing the handle and yanking it open. “Never gonna happen. So you’ll just have to get used to the fact that I’m going to be a permanent fixture in your daughter’s life.” Glancing at her, I offer her a shit-eating grin. “Sorry to disappoint.”

  Tara

  After showering and scrubbing the layer of tainted flesh, I slump on my bed, clutching the corner of the bed sheet, sobbing silently. Sunlight streams into the bedroom. Facing the window, I’d watched the day grow brighter, the hours ticking by while I tried to think of something other than what had happened. But I couldn’t. Sleep isn’t my friend and the dominating thoughts won’t allow me to settle. I feel so fragile, yet thankful that I managed to escape the foul man that has done this. Reduced me into nothing more than a wailing, lifeless human being. My feelings flit between hurt and anger. Fury rages through my every fiber, knowing what he did to me. How could he, and what the fuck gave him the right to touch me? My memory is clearing as my body and mind try to recover from the ordeal. Right now, I don’t remember exactly what he did, which is probably a blessing. But what I do remember is the confrontation I had with him outside of the clubhouse. I remember being held back, helpless and unable to stop him. But he took the easy way out. Drugging me so I could no longer defend myself. He knew full well I wasn’t going to be a willing victim, so forced himself upon me with the use of drugs. I wasn’t his to take, but he took me anyway.

  Exhausted, I’m mo
re tired than I’ve ever been. Sapped of any energy, even moving takes more than I have right now. Every muscle aches and I wonder, albeit irrationally, if I’ll ever be able to move again. My head pounds so hard and despite my best attempts, the tightness in my chest and stomach just won’t ease up.

  What scares me most now, is what happens next. How do I begin to heal, and how the hell do I make sure that he doesn’t come for me again? The panic causes pain to intensify near my temples, my chest heaving as I try to catch my breath. What if I can’t keep him away? What if he finds out I’m here and comes for me? How do I explain this mess to Brax and Izzy? I feel humiliated, but also stupid. Like this was my own fault. Looking for Nate was like walking into a lion’s den. And boy, was I bitten. But, even though I want to hide away, lie here forever, blocking out the world and all thoughts of what happened, I know that I can’t. I have to face the world. I have to be me again, I’m just not sure how to get there. Broadcasting this to the world, telling Brax and Izzy, isn’t going to help. All it would do is re-open the wound, rehashing it and making it feel worse. Sympathetic looks and “I told you sos” aren’t going to help me get over this. Izzy knows all too well what I’ve been through, and she doesn’t need to relive that shit through me. Cradling myself, I wonder how long Mom will let me stay? I need to be here for a few more days at least, until all the scars have healed and the bruises have faded. It’s weird being here, being back home, but oddly comforting. Despite the world I was born into, my mother always kept me safe. I knew what happened, I heard the stories, but we were always so well protected. My mother and I hid behind a plexiglass wall, seeing what happened but never being affected by it. Until that one day. The one day my mother finally gave in and let me spend time with Carter at his infamous parties. Because he promised to protect me. Only the protectiveness he offered was only a cover. A cover story and a way to sell me down the river. Even now, after his death, he’s still hurting me.

  A knock on the door startles me, and I turn my head, waiting for my mother to enter. Slowly, the door creaks open and my mother peers around, smiling at me, holding a tray of food in her hand.

  “Tara, it’s midday. You haven’t eaten and I really think you should, honey.”

  “No,” I reply with haste. “I can’t stomach anything, Mom.”

  “Okay, okay, I’ll just go ahead and leave it here for you, should you change your mind.”

  “Thank you,” I croak, lifting my hand and clearing the bubble of tears from my eyes. Shooting me a sad smile, she drops herself down beside me on the bed. Silently, she brushes her hand across my hair, stroking over and over. It isn’t an awkward silence, but one that provides me with comfort. I don’t say anything, I just take in the warmth and affection of her touch.

  After a few minutes, Mom clears her throat, breaking the silence. “You know you can stay here for as long as you need, right?” Her voice is a whisper, and I respond with a delicate nod.

  “Just a few days,” I reply. “Until I’m healed.”

  “Baby, I know you don’t want to do this, but you should report this to the police. Go to the hospital, get yourself checked out.”

  I wince at the thought. Not only had I been humiliated, but I was suddenly going to be subjected to a string of questions and further violations.

  “No,” I decline, unable to force out any more.

  “I can’t make you do anything but think about it. Knowing the scumbag that did this will get what’s coming to him may offer you some comfort.”

  “He’ll get what he deserves, Mom. That much I’m certain of. I don’t know how or when. But he will.”

  “Do you know the man who did this, Tara?”

  “Kind of,” I say vaguely. Mom hates the MC. Telling her it was Jeffries will only fuel the fire and put an even bigger wedge between our families. “But I’m not going to say, Mom. Please don’t push me on this.”

  “Of course,” she says, patting my leg. “But it’s hard seeing you like this. You’re my little girl, no matter how grown up you think you are. Knowing someone did this to you cuts me up inside. I want to do something. I want to help you, Tara.”

  “Being here, letting me stay and giving me the time and space to heal is all I need right now. The rest will work itself out.”

  Nate

  Cutting the engine, I remove my helmet, hanging it on the handlebars. I let out a huge breath, trying to focus on what I have to do. To bring my father down. But I have to do it the right way. I need more of the guys on my side.

  But all I can think of is Tara. My stomach knots at the memory of the bruises on her face. Bruises caused by me, by the fact that I turned her away when she needed me the most. Shaking my head, I have to put all emotion aside today. Today, I have to chip away at the support my father has.

  Starting with Silver.

  The pocket of my jeans buzzes, so I reach in, pulling out my cell. Swallowing hard, I see the name on the screen.

  Brax.

  “Hey, man,” I say, supporting the phone between my ear and shoulder while pulling out my packet of smokes.

  “Well?” he blurts down the receiver. “What the fuck is she doing at her mom’s? Why hasn’t she come here?”

  “She’s a mess, Brax. I’m not entirely sure she’s telling me the whole truth.” I tip the packet until my smokes appear. Lifting it to my mouth I grip one with my teeth. Pushing the packet back in my pocket, I retrieve my lighter, flicking it and holding it to the tip. Smoke plumes around me and I try to work out how the fuck I’m going to explain this shit to him. “She had bruises on her face.”

  “What?” he roars. “Is she okay? What the hell happened to her?”

  “She said she was mugged. Too drunk to remember what happened.”

  “And you believe her?”

  “I don’t know what to believe,” I reply honestly. Because right now, my head is so fucked up. Guilt does that to you.

  “I’m bringing her home.”

  “No,” I blurt out. “She is adamant that she wants to spend time with her mom. Build some bridges. You turning up there will only make things worse for her. Her mom hates us, Brax. I saw that hatred in her eyes. The way she looked at me.”

  “She just has to get over the fact that no one is funding her lifestyle anymore. Carter threw his money at her to keep her quiet, keep her on his side. She isn’t upset that Carter is gone, she’s upset the money has.”

  “Makes sense.” I place the smoke to my lips, drawing on it, the hit of nicotine invades my brain.

  “So what you’re suggesting is that we do nothing. Just leave her with her mom and hope for the best,” Brax says, his tone oozing sarcasm.

  “Fuck, man. Give me a goddamn break. I’m trying here. I’m trying to do the right thing by everyone.”

  “And Tara?” he asks.

  “You know how I feel about her. Everything I do, EVERYTHING, it’s for her. All of it. Otherwise I would go back to being just another fucking crew member accepting orders from my father. So don’t ever suggest that what I’m doing isn’t in her best interests. Because it is.”

  “Something needs to be done, Nate. Your father is still a real threat to Tara. He needs to be taken care of.”

  “I plan on it.”

  “Nate, man,” a voice yells, interrupting me. I spin to see Jarvis jogging over.

  “Listen, I gotta go. I’ll be in touch,” I whisper, ending the call and pushing my cell back into my pocket.

  “What’s up, brother?”

  “Prez is calling church.”

  “Good,” I reply.

  “Did you find the girl?” he asks, his voice hushed and his eyes fixed on me as he waits for me to answer.

  I nod subtly. “It’s all good, man. And Emily?”

  “Still in your room. Davo stayed with her the whole time.”

  “I’ll go check on her,” I say, flicking the cigarette to the ground, stamping on it with the tip of my boot.

  Walking in line with me, Jarvis turns and asks, “H
ow is it going down today at church? You know, the whole Silver shit that went down last night?”

  “I don’t know. But I’m bringing it to the table and demanding we take a vote on it. That crazy bastard should lose his badge as VP. I can’t do it without you guys.” I give him a sideways glance and he nods enthusiastically.

  “You have more support than you know,” he says with a slap of his hand against my shoulder. “The guys have watched you grow from the shell of a man you were just a year ago, to now. You make the right fucking decisions, man. You do best by your brothers and this club. No doubt. But there is only one thing standing in your way.” He offers me an awkward sideways smile, exposing his chipped teeth and the scar that runs down his cheek. He leans in, his breath on my ear. “Your father.”

  “But why now? Huh? Why suddenly do you and the others want change?” I stop walking for a second, turning to face him.

  “Because we didn’t have anyone to believe in before. No one else here has the desire to change this club for the better. But you… you are the future here, Nate. It’s your destiny. To take the gavel and succeed your father.”

  Letting my eyes drift, I stare into space, contemplating his words. I can do this with the support of my brothers.

  “Listen, man,” he continues. “The only worthwhile deals we do now are dealt with by you. We have the meet this afternoon with the Deathseekers. I think it’s a bad idea. A really bad idea,” he says inhaling sharply.

  “He mentioned it last night, but I’m not sure how I feel. I don’t think it’s the smartest fucking move considering our history with the Deathseekers.”

  “Shit,” he exclaims. “You didn’t know anything about this?”

  “Nah, man,” I reply, scuffing my boot against the ground beneath my feet.

  “There must be a reason, man. A reason why he didn’t involve you?”