by R. J. Lewis
“For forcing you in there.”
“I didn’t mind. You have the right to have some fun.”
I looked up at him. “I appreciate it. You could have dragged me out of there the second I pulled you in.”
“I wanted to, believe me.” I caught the way his shoulders tensed as he spoke, a frown digging into his face. “When I’m gone, Elise, I need you to be very careful going into places like that. Don’t…don’t do it alone. The way some of the guys stared at you…it was bad, El. Please, promise me you won’t.”
I nodded solemnly. “I promise, Aston. I know better after what happened with Deck. I won’t go to a place like that alone.”
His face softened. “Good. Have a guy with you too. Not a girl like Cindy. She’d encourage the attention.”
I didn’t respond to that. I looked back down at my cake, feeling like someone was putting my heart through a shredder. I wasn’t going to have a guy with me. I didn’t want a guy with me. I wanted…
I shut my eyes briefly and sighed. “I’ll miss you. I know you’re not going away for another while, but…when you leave, I’m going to miss the shit out of you, Aston.”
“I’ll still be around.”
“Promise?”
He nodded. “I promise.”
“But it won’t be like normal.” God, was this the Days of our Lives? Why was I unloading all this shit now?
“What do you mean, El?” He waited patiently for me to answer, and I was so conflicted.
“I’m here, and you’ll be there,” I finally said. “It won’t be the same. I won’t see you every day. It’ll be like losing my best friend.”
“Apply for colleges in the city. That way we’re close again.”
I scoffed. “I’m a loser, Aston. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’m…lost.”
“You love dancing.”
“No one can make a living dancing. Unless it’s wrapped around a stripper pole.”
“Don’t joke about that.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being a stripper.”
“Not if I was there to keep the creeps away.”
“I wouldn’t even have the courage to do something that wild anyway.” Wow, I was being a Negative Nancy. I should change my name to Eeyore.
“Pursue your passion.”
“Dad says to be smart and safe.”
“So you’ve had this talk with him?”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah. He wants me to go into teaching, or nursing, or…law. Yuck.”
Aston chuckled. “All I know is you’re young, El. We’re pressured to pick something now but…fuck, I just think of how boring life would be doing something you hated every day. It might seem like dancing is a dead-end pursuit but…passion always finds a way to make things work. I see the way you move. You’re…hot, El. You can make it happen. You can go to dance school, or…open up your own studio. You can do whatever you want.”
I blushed at the compliment. “No one believes in me as much as you do.”
“Now you have to start believing in yourself.”
He always had a way of turning it around for me. From being pessimistic and what the hell is the point to life to yeessssssss, I can DO IT!!! I felt pumped up by him. He made me feel like anything was possible.
Comfortable silence followed for a bit. I swiped the frosting on the cake and licked it. It was a bit stale, like it’d been sitting out for a while, but it was still good. You couldn’t knock free cake, right? I felt Aston stare at me as I swiped and sucked on my finger again. When I turned to look at him, he looked away.
“Want some?” I asked him, my voice light.
He shook his head.
“Are you sure? It’s really good,” I said, biting back a smile as I took another chunk on my fingertip and ate it.
His gaze flickered back to my mouth. I felt something tugging deep in my belly at the look on his face. He took a deep, unsteady breath and shook his head no again. He was acting strange, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I needed to break the moment before the weight of his strangeness suffocated us. I finished the piece on my plate, scooped the last bit of frosting and smeared it on the side of his face.
“Race you back,” I giggled before throwing the paper plate at him and diving into the water.
I heard his laughter behind me and he jumped in after me. We swam, with him on my tail, almost all the way back. My arms were sore by the time I reached the second boardwalk. I grabbed at the column and stopped to catch my breath. I didn’t know how far back he was, and I turned my head to look when I suddenly felt an arm around my stomach just as he surfaced. I screamed and turned around to push him away.
“You scared me!” I scolded him. The water was sitting just under my shoulders. I was panting and he was completely at ease, not one bit out of breath.
“You alright?” he asked, grinning.
I frowned. “Shut up. I haven’t gone swimming in a long time.”
“I can tell.”
I rolled my eyes and then laughed when I looked at him. “You still have frosting on your face. How is that even possible?”
He put a hand to his face and rubbed at the wrong spot. I flicked his hand away, moved a little closer, and rubbed the tiny remainder off his stubbled cheek close to the corner of his mouth. “You need to shave,” I muttered, playfully. “Unless you’re going for the homeless dude look.”
When I didn’t get a cheeky response, I looked back up at him and froze at the look on his face. A shiver wracked my body as he gazed into my eyes, and then along my neck and shoulders, burning a trail in my skin I could feel all the way to my soul. The way he grazed his bottom lip with his front teeth only sealed the deal for me. I zoned in on his mouth and all thought…poof…disappeared.
The light atmosphere was gone again, and it hadn’t even stayed long enough for my heart to calm down. I felt like he’d just wrapped his hands around my neck and sucked every bit of air out of it. He wanted me. I didn’t care if it was an emotional want, or a physical one. I’d take anything from him. I let go of all the hard work of putting up that wall I’d expertly built brick by brick. It collapsed into a heap of rubble and smoke. I exposed myself. Vulnerability in every sense of the word. I stared back at him the way he stared at me, but I gave him more. More need. More desire. More desperation.
Surely he knew. He could see it in my eyes, all the things I wanted to say, all the ways I wanted to show it. This was by far the ballsiest thing I’d ever done. And it would either end in humiliating rejection, or with his body wrapped around mine. Regardless, my world was about to flip upside down.
I waited. Anticipation. Fear. Worry. It was all a swirling twister inside of me, clogging my throat until it was too painful to swallow.
I didn’t know who moved first. Maybe him. Maybe me. Maybe both of us at the same time. But the space between us shrank inch by inch.
My heart stomped in my chest.
My breath lost intensity.
My eyes misted; I couldn’t blink, couldn’t think, couldn’t do a damn thing except stare into his brilliant eyes, at his beautifully sculpted face – too beautiful, it was a damn crime.
“Aston,” I whispered in surrender.
“Why are you looking at me like that, El?” he whispered back, his voice hesitant.
“You know why. You’ve always known.”
He started breathing harder. His chest rose and fell rapidly. His eyes scanned mine, that heat growing within him. I stepped closer to him and in the water my hand found his. I laced my fingers through his and gazed up at him, my hope climbing.
I love you. I wanted to say. I love your brooding nature. I love your stupid long hair. I love your intelligence. I love the way you stare at me. I love your mouth and eyes and your annoying fucking smart ass responses. I love your soul…God, your soul is a treasure I want for myself.
The second I felt his long fingers tightening, my whole being exploded. I sucked in a breath. “Aston, I lo–”
He broke my wor
ds with his mouth. It crashed to mine so unexpectedly, I almost fell back. His other arm wrapped around my waist, steadying me as he brought me closer to him, pulling me higher against him. He dipped his face lower, kissing me harder.
Soft wet lips.
Tongue brushing against my own.
Fire in my blood, heating me, incinerating me.
He pushed me back suddenly, and my back hit the column. His hands roamed down my body, deliberately slow. Then he grabbed at my thighs and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his hips so he was flushed against me. My hand climbed up his chest and around the back of his neck. I opened my mouth more, accepted more of him in, the taste of his tongue so intoxicating, so rich with the flavour of him, I was dizzy.
I’d never done this. I didn’t think he had either. But we kissed like we’d been doing it for a lifetime. It came as naturally as breathing air.
My body buzzed, every inch of me felt licked by his touch. I poured myself into that kiss, every part of my soul unleashed with wild abandonment.
Here I was, under the boardwalk, kissing the boy of my dreams, feeling him pressed against me in ways I only imagined in my fantasies. I felt his grip tighten as he breathed harshly into my mouth, moving his hips in delicious motions against that spot between my legs that had me shaking.
He ate me alive with those lips. Tingles swarmed me, hot pleasure settled at the pit of my stomach. In that moment my being bent to him, and I moaned. Long and deep, from out of my throat and into his. A moan that spoke of pained pleasure and desperate need for more. And it was that sound that suddenly halted everything. One second I was wrapped around him, his tongue tasting my own, his hips pressed against me, a long hardness felt, and then… he let me go and he was gone.
It was abrupt; it took me several seconds for me to mentally catch up. My back was still against the column when I opened my eyes and searched for him. He was already wading out of the water, his back to me, his hands on top of his head.
My ears rang, my vision spotted. Why did the world still feel like it was a million miles away? I was trembling, both from his kiss and his abrupt leave. I told my body to move, but every step felt like a mission. I watched him gain speed and reach the beach, already slipping on his flops. He wouldn’t leave me, would he? No way. That wasn’t Aston.
My lungs were working harder, tears already settling behind my eyes as I finally made my way to him, closing the distance. He was standing beside my clothes, his back to me, his arms by his hips now and hands closed into fists.
I stopped several feet away, panting like a wild dog, feeling like my world was caving in every second he didn’t acknowledge my presence. “Aston,” I let out.
He turned around and I saw the look of torment on his face. His eyes raked my body again and then he turned away and shook his head. “No, Elise, no talking. Put your clothes on and let’s go.”
“But we –”
“Elise,” he cut in sharply, his voice hoarse, “please.”
I didn’t move. I refused to. “We kissed, Aston. Was that…Was that a mistake? I mean, I thought there was something there –”
“It shouldn’t have happened. You’re my…” his voice lowered. “You’re my sister, Elise.”
“I’m not really your sister, Aston!”
“But you are.”
My shoulders slumped. “Then why did you let it happen?”
He didn’t respond. He just shook his head and ran his hand through his hair again, pulling at the ends.
“Because you wanted it to happen,” I answered for him. “You know you did. Why are we doing this to each other? It’s not wrong!”
“Elise –”
“I’ve loved you since we were kids, Aston! And I saw the way you looked at me! You’ve never been with a girl before! And I’ve never been with a guy before! I know it’s because we want each other. We can find a way. Tell me you want to try. Admit how you feel. Please!”
“It can’t happen!” he shouted, the veins in his neck protruding as he glared at me.
Hot tears flooded out of my eyes. I was so lost. I felt foolish, and I wished we hadn’t left that house, wished that I’d slept through his knocks and didn’t answer, that I never pushed him about girls, or let my wall drop.
Goddammit, why did I let my wall drop?!
He turned away from me, chest heaving. Shaking, I bent over and picked up my clothes. I slid back into my shorts and threw my shirt on. He watched me from his peripheral, his jaw clenched, and his body trembling. I slipped into my flops and walked past him. I felt him following, felt his presence right there behind me, and I felt suddenly so angry. I wiped the tears from my face and picked up speed. My humiliation was thick; I was sure he could smell it.
He remained close behind me – right there, giving me no escape – and I felt myself snapping from anger. I turned to him and shoved him back with all my might. He was a hard unmoveable wall, and he barely budged as I grunted and tried to push him away from me.
“Leave me alone!” I screamed at him.
He stepped back, letting my hands work to push him away. “El –”
“Don’t come near me! Leave me alone, Aston!”
“We’re going the same way, El.”
“Then keep your fucking distance.”
I’d never lost it at him before. I don’t think I’d ever lost it at anyone like this before. It was the humiliation, the shame, the raw feeling of rejection, of wanting someone so badly only for them not to want me back. It was all those things and more. I’d loved this boy more than a friend since I was nine years old, and he’d just called me his sister.
His fucking SISTER! I wanted to mutilate that word. I wanted it stricken from every fucking dictionary in the world. I wanted it to burnnnnn.
I turned my back to him and ran. I was already exhausted from our swim, but the fire within me fuelled me. My legs ached and I loved the feeling of it. Loved the pain in my chest and the cramps in my side. I cried as I took off uphill, the heat so brutal I almost threw up by the third block.
I knew he was following. I turned my head at one point and saw him running on the opposite side of the street, his head in my direction, watching me intently, protecting me in case something happened.
Always protecting me.
I pushed on, ignoring him. It felt like an eternity before I saw our house come into view. I didn’t bother kicking my flops off as I ran up the steps and pushed open the door. I stormed up to my room. If I woke my parents up, I didn’t give a flying fuck. I felt reckless, in need of destruction to balance out the pain.
When I reached my bedroom, I shut the door behind me and locked it. I was panting, disoriented, on the verge of passing out. I fell into my bed and brought my knees to my chest. I still smelled like the lake, smelled of rejection in the form of Aston. Could still feel his lips against mine. Could still feel the heat of his body wrapped around me. I held in my breath as the tears streamed down my cheeks.
You’re my sister, Elise.
I hated him. I hated him. I hated him.
“I hate you,” I rasped out slowly so I could taste those three acidic words.
Minutes later the knob turned unsuccessfully. I heard his heavy sigh from behind the door and the floorboards beneath his feet stressing. Shortly after that his bedroom door closed. I held my breath, listening to his every move, to him collapsing into his bed.
So close, yet so far away.
How did we get to this point so abruptly, so without expectation? I didn’t know. The world was bright just hours ago. It was promising and brilliant, and filled with hope. Now it was filled with regret and heartache. Story of my fucking life.
As I silently sobbed, emotions bleeding out of me, his knocks brought me back to the present.
Knock. Knock.
Silence. I pressed my forehead against the wall as tears fell.
Knock. Knock. He continued.
I didn’t answer.
Knock. Knock.
I stared at th
e wall numbly and didn’t knock back.
10.
Aston
I placed my forehead against the wall and sighed. I’d knocked twenty times. Twenty fucking times. That was a record. She’d never left me hanging since I was ten. I’d truly broken her.
This was my fault. She was hurting and it was all my doing. My obsession was to blame.
You just kissed your fucking sister.
I groaned and slid off the bed. This was fucked up. I paced the bedroom, feeling hot and dirty. Hot because I was turned the fuck on. Dirty because I wanted to storm back in there and kiss her again.
Fuuuuck, those lips. I groaned at the reminder of what they felt like. Supple. Wet. Perfect. And the way she wrapped those legs around me? My body shook and I stopped by the doorframe and pounded my head against the wood. I was hurting too. I shouldn’t have let it go that far. I shouldn’t have taken her out in the first place.
Selfish.
Selfish.
Selfish.
I grabbed a random textbook off the desk and threw it on the floor. Not even numbers could help me now.
She was devastated. I saw the anguish in her eyes as I screamed at her. In the end, I realized my fears. I truly was a coward.
11.
Elise
When you’re a teen and your heart’s been ripped from your chest, the natural thing to do in that situation is eat a lot of ice cream and cry your heart out to your friends while they rubbed your back, consoled you, and told you about a hundred other hot guys to move on to.
Unfortunately, we didn’t have ice cream in the freezer (unless you wanted to include the nasty berry flavour sorbet, which I couldn’t because yuck). There weren’t a hundred other hot guys I had the slightest interest in moving on to, and¸ most importantly, I didn’t have the kind of friends who would keep a secret this big to themselves. The entire town would know within a day all about my kissing adventures with my adopted brother. Could you imagine that kind of hell? I could see it now: See that girl there? The daughter of that wonderful police officer is in love with her brother, Debbie. How shameful! The devil is working his charms on that wee one. May the lord have mercy on her whore soul.