by C. A. Szarek
Her lower back ached, but she ignored it. She’d rub the spot when she got out of the car if it still bothered her. She hadn’t slept well the night before. Or the one before that. Combined with frequent car rides, and going up and down the stairs all the time at work, the soreness made sense, but it hadn’t kept her from leaving Dallas to come here.
Nothing mattered but Antioch. She’d just wanted—no, needed—to get there. She had to see Shannon and make things right.
She owed him a hell of a lot more than the no-contact thing over the past few months. Not that he’d tried to call or text her, but she should’ve reached out to him. Cowardice had bitten her and clung, and the weeks had melted into months. Taylor was running out of time.
Their baby would be here in less than six weeks.
She’d let him assume she’d gone through with the abortion and hadn’t reached out, except for those two messages that’d gone unanswered a few days after he’d found the appointment card.
Selfish.
Taylor had no justification that mattered for not telling him. That was valid. That was forgivable.
Being without him was torture, an aching hole that’d turned into a chasm eating at her from the inside out, despite the reserved happiness that’d worked its way into unmatched joy as her baby—their baby—had grown. Getting bigger at each sonogram.
The elation that the child was healthy and would be here soon was dimmed the whole time by the constant guilt that Shannon didn’t know, and the agony that she was the one keeping him away because she couldn’t own up to her feelings. Or let go of the need to do this herself, even though that wasn’t good for her, the baby, or the man she loved.
And damn… She did love him. More than she’d thought possible. Too bad Taylor hadn’t realized it until after she’d walked way.
Holding on to the anger, the hurt, from when he’d found the appointment card for a date she’d already canceled had been easier at first. A hell of a lot easier than embracing the real reason for her pain.
The confrontation was something she’d regret for the rest of her life. The things he’d said that day…
She hadn’t even defended herself. Told him she wasn’t going to the clinic. She winced and shut the car off.
It’s all your fault, Taylor Marie Carrigan.
Could they even go back?
Taylor wanted nothing more.
He was a good man. He’d want to be there. For her. With her. With them. Nothing mattered more to Shannon than family.
But…
Taylor wasn’t his family. Only their baby was. For all she knew, he wouldn’t speak to her again.
He might not forgive her and take her back, but he had a right to know he’d be a father. Her sergeant would be happy, right?
Shannon would be angry she’d kept the pregnancy from him, but…
He still…loved her, right?
What if he doesn’t?
He’d flung the words as an accusation, not a declaration. “I fucking love you, Taylor. How could you ruin that? How could you want to kill our baby?” would be burned into her consciousness for the rest of her life.
She shuddered and tried to push the memories away. She had to persevere.
What if Taylor’s no-contact had made him think she’d written him off? It would only make sense, especially since he thought their child would never be.
It’s been months…
Afterward, during one of the half-a-million times she’d replayed the scene in her mind, she’d been able to process Shannon’s shock. He’d found that blasted appointment card, discovering she was pregnant in the worst way possible.
Tears stung her eyes—the wonderful side effect of pregnancy hormones. Taylor looked down at her rounded stomach. Tried to smile when her daughter kicked.
Shannon’s daughter.
She sucked in a breath and rubbed the spot. “Get it together,” she whispered aloud, and it helped.
Taylor could only go to him and say her piece. She’d tell him she loved him and apologize. Show him the latest sonogram and tell him that the baby was a girl. Tell him she wanted him back, that she wanted to be a family with him and raise their daughter together, but if he couldn’t forgive her, he could still have a relationship with their child.
Then…hope.
She’d leave the ball in his court.
There was no doubt in her mind that Shannon would demand to be in his daughter’s life. He just might not require Taylor the way she needed him to.
Pain crippled her heart and she had to breathe slowly to get air down.
Taylor stumbled on her way to put the pump’s nozzle into the Charger. Had to brace herself on the back of the car. She’d almost dropped the handle.
The discomfort wasn’t figurative. There was a sharp pain in her lower back, and another to her right side.
“Whoa, there, you okay?” An older gentleman from the pump next to hers grabbed her elbow. Steadied her.
Taylor nodded and tried to breathe through the pain. “Thanks,” she pushed out.
She and the man looked down at the same time, and she gasped. Blood covered her crotch and her upper thighs, soaking the denim.
“Ma’am…” the man said.
A stab of pain daggered her lower back, and Taylor cried out, bending over and grabbing her middle.
“Ma’am, when is your baby due? Do you want me to call your husband?” The man’s voice had a frantic edge that kicked up her heartbeat.
She hurt, but it didn’t feel normal, or like a contraction. Blood was steadily seeping downward, now coating her jeans almost to her knees.
Her head spun, and she planted one palm to the end of the car and grasped the man’s forearm with the other.
“Easy. I’m gonna call an ambulance.”
“No… No… I’m fine.”
“Damn, my phone’s in my truck!” He looked torn as he held her up.
White-hot agony hit her and Taylor’s knees buckled. No amount of scrambling was going to keep her on her feet. The pain spread from her spine and down, consuming her right side. Her hand slipped off the Charger.
The man seized her, which was the only thing that kept her off the ground. “Ma’am! Oh my God, that’s a lot of blood.” His brown eyes seemed to blur, and Taylor’s head fell back.
“Hey, mister, is something wrong?” Another voice, but it sounded far away.
The guy screamed, “Call nine-one-one!” right as the world went black.
* * * *
Shannon put down the barbells and scrambled to catch his cell as it vibrated its way across the magazines it was precariously perched on. He should probably clean that TV tray table off one of these days. It didn’t belong in the garage, anyway.
He smiled when he glanced at the touch screen, then swiped his thumb across. “Hey, Mom.”
“Shannon. You need to come to the hospital now,” she said by way of greeting. Her voice was urgent, on edge.
Something’s wrong.
His heart slid to his gut and the good sweat he’d built up from his heavy workout in the garage chilled. “Cailey? Is she okay?”
“Not Cailey.”
“What—”
“Just come down here, son.”
“Mom, tell me what’s going on. Is it you? What’s wrong?”
There was a pause, but only for a split-second. “Taylor’s here.” The urgency in her familiar voice made him still on his workout bench.
Shannon was caught between giving a damn—his stomach lurched—and hanging up, but a dismissal was too rude to put his mom through.
He was a little curious, but… “No, Mom,” he managed through clenched teeth. His jaw smarted but he couldn’t convince it to loosen.
No way was he about to let Taylor Carrigan drag him down again. His heart was far from healed, but he was trying to get over her. Little by little.
Yeah, that’s working so well.
“Shannon. You don’t understand.”
“What don’t I und
erstand?” He’d not wanted to, but after their breakup, he’d told his mother the whole sordid affair, ending, of course, with Taylor ripping his heart into a million pieces because she was going to abort his baby.
All it had taken was his mother asking, “What’s wrong?” one afternoon, and the whole damn thing had poured out. He’d even cried a little, like a pussy.
She’d rubbed his back while he’d talked, and Shannon had tried to get his balls back, but he’d let her soothe him with her touch, like she had when he was little.
However, he hadn’t liked his mom’s take on things. She’d urged him to reach out to Taylor. She’d said they both needed to cool off, then they could heal together. Mom had even said maybe the time wasn’t right for the baby, reminded him it was Taylor’s choice. That part had pissed him off. They might not have planned the pregnancy, but Shannon should’ve had a say.
His mother had even told him, if he loved Taylor, not to let her go.
Right. There are some things people can’t move past.
He couldn’t forgive her for making the important decision without him. No consideration that the baby was his, too. Even if it was a choice he never would’ve allowed. He didn’t have a chance to fight for his child.
Shannon would regret that for the rest of his life.
What made him feel worse was that he couldn’t hate Taylor. He loved her too damn much. Self-loathing hadn’t fixed that, even as the months had gone by.
He hadn’t answered her texts from a few days after he’d found the appointment card. He hadn’t been able to, and time hadn’t changed that.
“Shannon Michael Crowley, you listen to me, and you listen good. Get your ass down here. Now.”
Jesus. She’d broken out his full name, not to mention dropped a curse word, if only a mild one. He was doomed. Shannon sighed, and pushed to his feet. “Tell me what I’m walking into, Mom.” The cop in him needed that.
Again, his mom hesitated. “If I tell you, you have to promise me to breathe, and not drive recklessly. They’ll both be fine, now. For a while, it was touch and go.”
They? “What’re you talking about?”
“Taylor had the baby, but she was early. I was in the OR, so I couldn’t call you until now, there wasn’t time. It was an emergency C-section. Taylor collapsed at the gas station on Main Street. She was bleeding. Thank God there was a man there to help, and get the ambulance on the way. But…your daughter is strong, Shannon. She’s small, but beautiful. Come for them.” Her voice broke.
His strong mom’s emotion broke him as much as the confusing words she’d said.
Nothing made sense.
Emergency… Operating room… Blood…
Standing had been worthless, because his legs quit on him and his ass hit the workout bench hard. It creaked a protest, and the thin padding did nothing for the new ache in his tailbone.
Baby?
“Wh—?” Shannon sputtered. His head spun, and his heart rushed into his ribcage from his gut, beating so hard it was going to pop out. He couldn’t breathe. His everything hurt. White-hot agony spread disbelief all over his body.
“Taylor almost died, Shannon.”
He had nothing. Nothing would come out of his mouth. He took one painful breath, then another. “Mom—” he finally croaked.
“I know, baby. Just get down here. We’ll sort it all out.”
“Mom.” He swallowed hard and blinked away the blurry vision. But no amount of screaming Get it together was working.
“Come meet your baby girl, and see her mama.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
He shouldn’t have promised his mom he wouldn’t drive recklessly to get to the hospital, because his Tundra was in bat-out-of-hell territory, even though it wasn’t more than a ten minute drive. Shannon did it in four, maybe five.
His heart was in his throat the whole time, and breath still didn’t come easily. He hadn’t taken time to change, either—they’d get him in black basketball shorts and the first muscle shirt he’d found in the garage to throw on. It was gray, and torn. Probably smelled like a sweaty workout, too.
A daughter.
His baby.
There was a whole lotta What the fuck? thrown in there for good measure.
Shannon swallowed.
He’d told Taylor he loved her.
His conscience stood up and reminded him of how he’d told her how he felt. He’d flung the words, not professed them in a way she could’ve taken as sincere. Couldn’t blame her, really. It’d been a defensive move, to rub in her face that she’d never told him how she felt about him.
Shannon winced. Pretty cowardly, actually. No way to tell the love of your life how you feel about her for the first time.
What was he supposed to do now?
“Get your ass in that building.” And make things right. He couldn’t say the latter part aloud, because he still didn’t know how the hell he was going to do it.
His anger at Taylor had simmered to nothing some time ago, leaving him with regret and pain. He’d been dealing with that the best he could. But this…
I’m a father, after all.
Shannon should be steaming mad all over again. He wasn’t. Maybe the adrenaline hadn’t worn off yet.
What did he feel?
He was grateful she hadn’t had an abortion…and he loved her.
It was too damn much at once.
He didn’t even know what the hell to say, let alone what he wanted.
Shannon shook his head and slammed his truck door. He jogged into the hospital, ignoring the bite in the fall air. He should’ve grabbed a jacket. Or put on pants.
His mom met him by the elevator doors on the OB floor, and Shannon almost lost it. He hugged her tight, grateful when she wrapped her arms around him and held him. Damn good thing, because his knees wanted to buckle. She was short, like Taylor, but strong enough to keep him on his feet for a few minutes.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
He released her and took a breath. “Yes. No. I don’t freakin’ know. It’s a lot to process.”
Empathy shone in her amber eyes. “I know. Let’s sit and talk for a moment, then I’ll take you to them.”
“I don’t know if I can see her, Mom,” he blurted.
“Taylor or your daughter?”
Your daughter. What a foreign phrase.
“Taylor. I just can’t.” His baby, on the other hand, Shannon wanted to see more than anything, as soon as he got the balls.
His mom took his hand and led him into a waiting room. It was empty—thank God. The TV was on, the volume low, but he didn’t pay attention to the screen. Chairs lined both walls, and there were a few end tables with scattered magazines. Against the wall, next to a ficus tree, there was a crate of toys.
Shannon collapsed into a chair next to his mother.
“Start with the baby, but Taylor wants to see you, honey. She asked for you when she came into the ER. Actually, that’s why they called me. She kept saying your name over and over. They called up here to see if I was working. She’s so beautiful, Shan. You did well. Your baby girl looks like you, though.”
The pride in his mother’s voice and expression did nothing to stop the laugh that fell out of his mouth. It had a bitter edge that made her glance at him in confusion, her brow furrowed.
“Mom, Taylor and I were done months ago. Yeah, she’s gorgeous and at one time took my breath away, but what we had…it’s just not going to happen again.”
She shook her head and patted his hand. “You can’t know that. A baby changes everything.”
“Right. A baby she obviously didn’t want me to know about.”
“Shannon. Stop.”
“Mom—”
“Listen to me.” The sharp edge to her voice snapped his mouth shut. “She almost died today. Did you miss that, when I told you on the phone?” Her eyes flashed with so much irritation, it made him gulp. “You will not go in that room and break her heart. She asked for you for a dam
n good reason, and you’re going to listen to her. She gave you a child today, so you will sit by her bedside and hold her hand. She had major surgery and she’s on pain meds, but she wanted one thing. You.”
Shannon blinked. It had to be a record that his mom had cursed twice in one day—in the space of an hour, no less. His instinct was a resounding, Yes ma’am, but his heart hurt.
He didn’t know if he could. He wasn’t about to repeat that to her. One tongue lashing was enough. Thanks, Mom.
“What happened? Why did the baby come early? What put Taylor’s life in danger?” His voice was soft, not much louder than a whisper, and his mom squeezed his hand.
“There was a tear in the placenta. It can be very dangerous, like in Taylor’s case. She hemorrhaged. We’re very lucky they both survived. They got her here quick, which saved them.”
His chest tightened and his gut clenched. Not having her was one thing—at least she was out in the world somewhere—but to imagine Taylor truly gone, as in dead, made his whole body ache. Worse than just the broken heart. “I do need to see her.”
A slow smile spread across his mother’s full mouth and she patted his stubbled cheek. “Good. It’s a start.”
“She really asked for me?”
She nodded. “Over and over. Frantically. She calmed when I told her I was your mother, but she wanted you here. She kept begging me to tell you not to hate her.”
Shannon had to look down to stave off the emotion rising up. He wasn’t about to cry in front of his mom again. And he couldn’t take a moment to scream, either. Or punch something.
His mind spun in a chaos of feeling. “I don’t. Hate her, I mean. I love her.” His voice cracked.
“I know, baby.”
“Baby,” he breathed. “I missed it. I missed her birth.” He had to push words past the lump in his throat.
“You wouldn’t have been allowed in anyway. It was bad. Taylor’s pressure dropped, she lost so much blood we had to transfuse.”
“If I was here, I would’ve freaked.”
Again, his mom nodded. “I know. So not being able to call you until afterward was probably for the better. I was there, in the room the whole time. Doc Hayes got her stable as soon as he got the baby out. She’s small, but not tiny, and she’s breathing on her own. You’re lucky. It was scary and Taylor was touch-and-go for longer than I like to see. But all is well now, and I have a new granddaughter!”