by Adeera Lake
“Why not?”
“Because…” I mumble.
“Why not Grace? Why are you so fugacious?”
‘Fugacious? Did he really say that?’
I restrain from laughing and I try to keep a serious expression. “Please, let me go.” I murmur.
I avoid looking at him, but I feel his eyes on me.
Some people furtively glimpse at us.
He chuckles – He’s at least five inches taller than me.
“Then go,” he groans dragging the tip of his fingers back from my chin.
“I’m sorry,” I hear myself saying.
“Oh no, you are wrong here,” he blurts. “I am the one who’s sorry to have kissed ya in the first place! I don’t know what your problem is baby. But you just kissed me back and then you pulled away? So fuck this shit! I’m not a teenager for God’s sake,” he growls.
My heart races.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you back,” I reply, knowing I don’t mean it.
A light gust of wind sends his musky scent into my nostrils, and a rush of lust runs through my veins.
‘No Grace, this is wrong’
Even his body odor is damn sexy, I think for an instant.
“No problem. It won’t happen again. Have a good one,” he says, then leaves.
In less than an instant, he is gone.
I stand on the sidewalk staring at nothing; then I sigh and swallow my own saliva before walking away without turning back.
15
Grace
I’m on the subway. My mind is elsewhere.
‘Why me?’
I’ve never considered myself as a hot girl and I don’t see why a man like Zac would be interested in me. He’s hot and cool and doesn’t seem to be the type of guy who would like to be involved in a serious relationship, and I’m sure he can get any girl he wants. I may be stereotyping but I can’t help it. I ask myself if I liked it and the answer is obvious. I loved it.
I went on fire. I was burning with desire. Yeah, I haven’t had sex for six months, but it had nothing to do with that. There’s something about him that makes me feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach. The way he gripped my waist, the way he delicately brushed his lips against mine, waiting for me to be ready before sexily exploring my mouth with his tongue. His chiseled muscles. His sexy scent. His stubble.
Even his warm breath washing over my chin sent tingles of lust up my spine. And oh my God, his bulge pressing on my womb! I’m sure I would have lost it if I didn’t draw back. Had we been somewhere else, I don’t know how this whole thing might have ended up. I may have given him what he wanted.
And what I wanted in that moment.
But I can’t risk it. I’m not a ‘one-night stand’ kind of girl, and even if I were, how could I be sure I wouldn’t fall in love? - I’ve been fooled once, and it took me months to recover. Since then, I’d promised myself it won’t happen again. When I think rationally, I know it’s wrong. I know Lisa may be right.
‘You need to live your life,’ she said. ‘They can’t all be assholes. It’s a matter of karma.’
However, I don’t feel ready. I’m still afraid I may give out too much and suffer again. I don’t want to be naïve again.
I miss sex sometimes, but for the time being, I’m better off alone. This way no one can hurt my feelings. After all, I can’t be disappointed, or be cheated on by someone that doesn’t exist. Yet I feel wistful because I like him. I may be utterly wrong in not trusting him. I don’t know Zac really. We have only talked a few times, but there’s something about him that turned me on since the first time I saw him.
‘Oh Jeez, I wish I didn’t have all these fears and I could just date guys without freaking out.’
“Are you getting off at the next stop ma’am?” A guy behind me asks – the subway is packed.
I blink before replying peeking back over my shoulder, “Um, no, go for it,” I tell him, spinning on myself halfway to make it easier for him and other people behind, but when I realize the next stop is Bryant Park, I decide to get off too.
When I step out of the train, the guy turns and gives me a quizzical look, then shakes his head and keeps walking his way.
I grumble.
‘One can change her mind or make a mistake for God’s sake!’ But then I realize it’s more something to laugh about rather than getting mad, and a grin springs on my face.
***
I’m down on my belly, in Bryant Park’s lawn. The sun is high, and the sky is blue. The park is crowded, and all the green steel chairs had been taken, so I just remove my converse and socks and I lay in the middle of the lawn. I start scrolling down my email. My legs are crossed and bent behind my back – I find this position comfortable and relaxing despite my ex-fiancée claiming it to be sexy and provoking. I can’t help chuckling as I look around to check if anyone is staring at me in a lustful way. Some folks are in fact glancing in my direction, but they have sunglasses on, so it means nothing. How can this pose be teasing? I wonder amusingly, slowly shaking my head. Maybe sexy? Yeah sure. But I definitely don’t intend to ‘provoke’ anyone!
I grin with one side of my mouth lowering my glance back to my phone. My heart thunders as a Facebook Messenger notification icon pops up on the screen. I quickly open it and a cold chill runs down my spine.
‘You can block me anytime you wish, but I’ll always be back. How’s it going Grace? I want you. I need you.’
My pulse quickly increases. All the noises around me muffle and I feel the urge to throw up.
16
Zac
“Why the fuck did I do that?” I blurt between my teeth as I cross the street walking back to my studio.
‘Shit Zac! Are you stupid or what?’
I’ve never done something like that before. Every woman I’ve laid in bed with has come to me first. Never the opposite. I could easily snap my fingers and get a bunch of hot chicks falling at my feet. Why the hell did I end up like this? This is not me! I’m not a fucking loser. Never has any girl pulled away like that since I made that promise, years ago.
I push the transparent door and step into my shop. My sister is standing. A playful grin springs on her face. “Who was that girl?”
I grunt without looking up and go back to my working room, but she follows me, and bracing on the edge of the door with her right shoulder, she crosses her arms over her chest and smirks, glancing at me amusingly.
“What?” I rumble, annoyed by her meddling.
“I like her,” She squeals.
“Chels do me a favor, mind your fucking business, alright?”
She sneers. “Finally, a girl that didn’t fall at your feet just like that,” she mumbles, snapping her fingers and widening her eyes sarcastically.
“Stop being nosy, will ya?”
She chuckles, shaking her head and smirking. “Don’t lose her.” She mutters before turning to get back to her desk.
I raise an eyebrow wondering what she meant. “Wait! Why you ‘d ya say that?”
She keeps walking. “She likes you, silly!”
I slowly shake my head. Then I stand and follow her in the hallway. “What do ya mean?”
“I mean a girl that does what she did? Maybe she doesn’t know, but she fucking likes you Zac.”
I look to my right then back at her. “What makes ya say that?” I frown questioningly.
“I mean Zac, Jesus Christ. You are a Casanova, but you haven’t learned much about women’s feelings, have ya?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” I laugh. “Well Chels, as long as they give me what I want, I don’t care much about their feelings.”
“I know you are a fucking jerk, so never mind. Forget it. But please, if you see her again, don’t try to fuck her. She’s the first one I see acting like that with ya.”
“But she fucking pulled away!”
“That’s the whole point! She kissed ya back when you did, and I saw the way she looked at ya in the first place. Her eyes g
lowed!” She mumbles. “There must be a reason why she did it. So, don’t you dare hurt her feelings! She may already be heartbroken and that could be the reason.”
I carefully listen to my sister and I pause for a moment to elaborate what she said. Then I shrug.
“Did the fucking client call or something?” I ask her.
“No, he didn’t Zac. I tried to get hold of him but nothing. His phone seems dead.”
“Ok, I’m outta here. If he shows up, tell him to fuck off and don’t ever call my shop again.” I groan just before walking out the door.
I’m already down the block when I hear my sister calling me out, “Zaaaac?”
I grunt, and I lazily turn.
“Don’t forget what I told you about that girl!” She wails holding the shop’s door.
I stare at her and I pause for a moment. Then I slightly nod and turn back.
17
Grace
This isn’t happening, I think staring at the small screen.
A series of images run through my mind. I instinctively suspect my former boyfriend. But then again, it doesn’t require to be a rocket scientist to find someone on this social network, as long as they are using their real names, and of course, as stupid as I am, I couldn’t have done otherwise.
For a second I think Zac, but I quickly shake my head – why would he do this? He doesn’t seem to be such a creep.
Maybe people at my work? There is actually a young fellow waiter who often stares at me weirdly. It can be annoying but what can I do?
‘Jeez, I don’t really know!’ Now what? Blocking and reporting this guy again – or this girl maybe? – wouldn’t solve anything since he’s already gotten away with a new account. If I went to the police they’d probably laugh at me. They’d need much more than this to start doing something about it.
I grumble, and I think I’ll just ignore it. It’s probably one of those fucking trolls with a tiny dick in his hand, trying to release his frustrations by frightening random girls. Fuck that!
I sit on the grass and put my shoes on before standing and leaving the cozy park.
On my way back, I decide to give myself a little treat and I stop to get a ‘gelato’ on a nice crispy cone - I’ve always loved Italian ice creams - and when I get back to my apartment I call Lisa on Skype.
“Hey!” She squeals, looking as if she’d just woken up.
“Oh, I’m sorry, were ya still sleeping? Isn’t it eight in the morning over there?”
“Yeah, yeah, I woke up a few minutes ago. No worries. Going to take my time today.” She giggles.
“Oh ok! So, what’s up?!”
“Same old.” She sighs. “How ‘bout ya baby?”
“Same here,” I reply biting the tip of my thumb pensively.
I don’t want to tell her about Zac’s kiss.
“Aside from a fucking creep stalking me on Facebook,” I add before chuckling.
“Oh, wait a sec, what?” She widens her eyes looking at her webcam.
I tell her what happened in detail.
“Hmmm…” She hums, pouting her lips to one side. “Maybe some random teens or just a damn loser. I don’t know.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“Well, don’t worry about it too much. This shit happens on social networks.”
“Um, yeah, I guess?”
“So, what about the hottie?” She asks.
I sigh, turning my glance away. “Can we talk about something else please?”
“Oh my, why? What happened?” She smirks.
“Nothing!” I bite my lip, feeling my cheeks flushing red.
“Grace seriously, tell me, or I’ll take the first plane to come fight ya!” She grins.
I can’t lie to her, especially being in her apartment.
“He kissed me.” I blurt.
She chortles. “Again? What happened this time?” She squeals.
“Nothing, I just. Um, I kissed him back but then I changed my mind.”
“Oh my God! Grace! Why? You are fucking crazy.” She chuckles shaking her head.
“Well, you know why. I’m not ready to date guys again.”
“What about a simple healthy fuck?” She says raising an eyebrow.
“Look, we already talked about that. I’m not that type of girl Lis. And I could never do that anyway!”
She pauses for a couple of seconds.
“How was this half kiss though?” She asks, using finger quotes.
Suddenly I feel butterflies fluttering into my chest, and I’m taken aback by her question, but I can’t help letting out a grin.
“Amazing!” I mumble, biting the corner of my lip, unable to refrain from smiling.
“There ya go, babe!”
I smile and then I grumble. “Ok, so. How’s your job?” I ask, trying to change the topic.
“Grace, don’t dare do that to me!” She laughs.
I bite my lower lip with my front teeth, smirking slightly. “Lisa, please. I told you so many times, I do not want to date guys now. Not even have sex with them. Ok?”
“But you don’t-”
“I don’t care Lis! I explained to you why I don’t want sex only. So, do me a favor alright? Don’t mention guys to me anymore!”
“But Grace I-”
“Let me finish!” I blurt.
“Ok, ok I’m sorry.”
“If I ever dated a guy, or even slept with one, you’d be the first to know about it. I promise. But for now, I really don’t wanna hear questions on that topic or feel any pressure whatsoever. Ok? You think you can handle that?” I end my monologue feeling a little guilty for having been so direct and harsh with one of my best friends.
Her eyes widen, and she lets out a soft smile. “Ok, got it. I’m sorry Grace. Yeah, I hear ya. Don’t you worry honey you’ll never hear me talking about guys again.” She mumbles smiling. “Unless you do it first of course.” She giggles.
“Ok, thank you.” I smile.
***
When I’m done chatting with Lisa, I turn the laptop off and I walk straight to the fridge. I grab a chocolate ice cream box and head back to the living room, curling my legs up on the sofa.
I can’t stop thinking about Zac.
‘Jeez, I hate this!’
After a little while, I check the time and I realize I need to get ready to go to work. I put the empty ice cream box on the coffee table, leaving the spoon inside it; then I quickly sniff my foot and decide I need to take a shower - that’s another vice of mine I guess. I’ve always been obsessed with odors, and I get often paranoid about my body parts stinking without me being aware of it. So, I often check my feet, either by rubbing my toes and sniffing the tip of my fingers right afterward or by directly taking a whiff at my big toe.
The water is hot and steamy. It runs over my body’s smooth curves. I brush a hand on the steamy glass cabinet and I peek through it. My breath starts getting shorter. I’m so tempted. I can’t help thinking about Zac’s full tender lips. My heartbeats accelerate even more. I close my eyes, recalling his musky scent, and as I do, I suck my teeth, biting the corner of my lip so tightly that I almost cut it open. I frown and gasp.
‘Oh my…’
I tilt my head and lick my shoulder, nibbling it with my teeth. Then I exhale dropping my jaw. My eyes half closed. My core on fire. The hot water keeps running down on me as I let out timid moans. I need to stop this, I think. But I can’t.
My gasps are quick and short.
I recall his strong hands on me.
‘Oh God, Zac please!’
I close my eyes. My brows furrows and my jaw drop again. Then I gasp loudly, and I feel my muscles tightening before intense spasms hit me for a few seconds.
I drop to my knees.
The water drizzles behind my neck as I catch my breath trying to recoup.
‘This is not right.’
18
Zac
I can’t get my sister’s words out of my head. ‘She likes you. She mus
t have been hurt before.’
In years of winning girls out, I’ve never thought about the possible chance of taking a simple fuck to the next level.
I’ve never even considered a girl could be hurt by me. I’ve always made things clear and I took for granted they knew I wasn’t going to get involved. Let alone falling in love.
How could I hurt her feelings then? This girl has been driving me crazy with her strange behavior. I didn’t even plan to kiss her in the first place, but I acted on the spur of the moment. It was a mistake, that’s it.
Not for me baby.
I’m not the guy who wants to get into the romantic shit. So, whatever she has in mind, she better think twice. There’s no chance I’m going to hurt her feelings because I’m not even going to get laid with her. So, problem solved.
But I can’t stop thinking of her.
‘Shit!’
I hate not having total control over my mind.
I walk into a Starbucks close to my apartment building to meet Daniel - I haven’t seen him since that evening at the restaurant, a couple of weeks ago.
He’s already there and is sitting near the window. “Hey, how’s goin’?”
I sit across from him.
“I’m good. Listen, you can do that party at my apartment as long as you make sure nobody brings drugs or anything. I don’t want that shit in my place alright? I don’t care… Not even a fucking joint!” I groan.
He lifts his hands. “Yeah, buddy I promise no problem. Thanks, Zac!”
***
I nod at the concierge as I walk toward the elevator. It’s eight pm and the idea of having a few drinks and flirt with a couple of girls at the party that Daniel organized in my apartment starts to tantalize me. But as the door slides open, just before I’m about to step in, I hear Grace’s voice.
“Wait!”
I turn, and I frown sarcastically.
“Good evening Lawrence!” She squeals as she passes the concierge’s cubical. trotting toward the elevator.