by Zoe Chant
And it couldn’t be Nina, because Joel didn’t trust himself to be objective when he was talking to her.
Every cell of his body longed to take her at her word. She’d said she thought their connection was real and she wanted to stay with him. Joel wanted that too.
But did she really want it?
Nina wanted a place to belong and a family. Joel knew that. So maybe the mate-bond was just latching on to that desire, and putting Joel forward as the way to get that.
After all, why would she want him? They’d only just met. And Joel was an antisocial, angry loner who was essentially married to his job and spent his spare time fixing up a cabin in the middle of nowhere, just so that he could keep being alone.
He’d always told himself that his hatred of the mate-bond was healthy independence, but he was starting to think he’d been wrong. That it was just fear of letting anyone get close to him. That was something he’d always struggled with, whenever he tried to date. Even with his own family.
He wasn’t going to be a good mate to any woman, let alone someone who’d been hurt as much as Nina had. And he refused to be another thing that she had to endure. She deserved a rich, happy life.
So he was going to talk to another loner who was married to his job, to try and figure out how much of this was healthy, and how much of it wasn’t. Because right now, he was caught between something he’d believed wholeheartedly since he was a kid—that the mate-bond ruined lives—and Nina’s heartbreaking, “But I want you to stay, Joel!”
Joel wanted to stay too, more than almost anything. But even more, he didn’t want to ruin her life.
So he went inside the headquarters building, went up to the head ranger’s office, and knocked.
“Come in,” said Cal. When Joel opened the door, his eyebrows went up. “Joel. You’re not working today.”
“I know that,” Joel said. “I’m here for—” God, this sounded awkward—“personal reasons.”
Cal’s eyebrows went up even further. But after a minute, he set his pen down and leaned back in his chair. “All right. Come on in.”
Joel did, shutting the door behind him. He eyed the chairs in front of the desk, but decided he’d rather stand. But then he wasn’t sure where to stand—between the chairs? To one side of them? To the other side?
“I don’t mean to hurry you along,” said Cal after a minute, eyeing him, “but I do have other things that I was planning on doing today.”
"Sorry," Joel said abruptly. He changed his mind about standing—he'd end up pacing a hole in the carpet if he stood. He sat down and said, "I wanted to know your opinion of the mate-bond."
There was a long pause. Then Cal said, "That's a bit out of the blue."
Joel winced. "Not...exactly."
Cal nodded slowly. "I see. All right. I think the mate-bond is good for some."
Joel waited, but that seemed to be it. "Only some?"
Cal shrugged minutely. "Seen it go wrong once or twice. Usually on account of circumstance, not because it was a bad match."
"That's the thing." Joel sat up. "Circumstance. The mate-bond forces people together, no matter what their circumstances. What if something goes wrong? They can't get away. And how are people even supposed to know that their feelings are real, if this mystical bond descends on them before they can really get to know each other?"
He stopped, his breath coming fast. Cal's eyebrows were up again.
"Sounds to me like you've thought about this a bit," was all he said.
Joel nodded. "My parents—it went wrong."
Cal made a thoughtful noise. "All right, Joel. You want my opinion, I'll tell you my opinion. I think whether a mate is good for you or not depends on what you want your life to look like. You want to live alone in your cabin forever, avoid laying eyes on any other living souls, it's going to be a problem. You want to settle down, start a family, it's not so much a problem."
"But even if someone does want to settle down, it can still be a problem," Joel objected. “Being forced to stay together no matter what? That can cause all sorts of problems. Problems that can’t be solved.”
Cal looked at him for a long minute. "You know why Grey and Jeff are my best rangers?" he asked finally.
Joel blinked, not expecting that change of subject. "They know what they're doing," he offered. "They have experience."
"So do lots of other guys, and they're not as good as those two," Cal said. "It's about mindset."
Joel frowned.
"It's true, they're different as night and day," Cal continued, forestalling what Joel had been about to say. "But they've got one thing in common: they don't make trouble for themselves."
"What do you mean by that exactly?" Joel asked cautiously.
"There can be some dangerous situations out in the mountains," said Cal. "A ranger can get himself into some serious trouble. But neither of those two lets that possibility get to them. They're confident in their skills, they work on being capable and prepared, and they know that if something goes wrong, they'll tackle it as best they can."
Joel thought about that. "And I don't do that."
"You're okay out in the Park," Cal said. "You think you know the territory pretty well, and you're right for the most part. But I have a sense that in everything else, there might be some trouble happening that's your own making.”
Joel digested that.
“And one more thing,” Cal added.
“What?”
“If we’re talking about the mate-bond, well, that’s two people, isn’t it? But I only see you in here. You shouldn’t be talking to me about this, you should be talking to your mate, whoever she is. It’s her decision too, not just yours.”
Joel was quiet. After a second, Cal picked up his pen again. “I need to get back to work.”
Joel stood. “Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it. And get yourself sorted out.”
Joel nodded and left the office, thinking.
Cal was right. This wasn’t only Joel’s decision. And Nina didn’t have any trouble with the mate-bond. She wanted it.
Or she thought she did. This was Joel’s biggest fear: that Nina might not know her own mind. What if the mate-bond was messing with her thoughts?
No. No, that didn’t make any sense, he realized.
Because Joel had a problem with the bond, and that problem hadn’t disappeared the second he woke up and knew he was Nina’s mate. The bond couldn’t be brainwashing them, because Joel was still angry about it, still able to question it. Still afraid of what it might do.
If he assumed that Nina couldn’t question it, then he was assuming that she was weaker-minded than he was. Which clearly wasn’t the case, because anyone who could live on their own, with no family and no pack, for years and years and still keep going had one of the toughest minds he’d ever encountered.
Joel couldn’t admire her for her strength and be afraid of her weakness at the same time. That was stupid, and unworthy of her. Nina knew her own mind.
So if Nina knew her own mind...it was time to go talk to her.
***
When he pulled up to the house, intending to see if Zach and Teri knew where Nina was, he came to an abrupt halt, the tires screeching as he stared. Nina was waiting for him right there, standing on the front step with her eyes fixed on him through the car window.
Joel nearly broke a finger trying to turn off the car, get his seatbelt off, and open the door all at once. He ate up the distance to the house in long, quick strides, and caught Nina in his arms, losing himself in the scent of her, the feel of her soft curves, the sweetly surprised noise she made before relaxing into his embrace. Nina.
It was a long moment before he came back to himself and pulled away, embarrassed. “Sorry,” he said. “I came here to talk to you.”
She blinked at him, her eyes hazy for a moment, before visibly remembering where she was. The look solidified into a glare. “You better have. I’ve got some things to say to you.”
Joel bre
athed out. “Can I go first?”
Before Nina could answer, though, the door opened, revealing Zach, also glaring at him. “Where the hell have you been?”
Joel winced. “I had to get my head on straight.” He looked at Nina. “Do you want to go somewhere?”
Nina looked back at Zach. “I want to do this right now. But we can go on a walk, or...”
Teri appeared behind her mate. “No,” she said, “Zach and I will go for a walk. You two stay here. Take as long as you need, we’ll go on a hiking trail. But,” and she gave Nina a significant look, “I’ll have my phone on me, if you need anything. Anything at all.”
Joel prudently stepped aside to let them leave, not missing the steely look Teri shot him as she went by. It looked like he might have some apologizing to do to his brother and sister-in-law, not just to Nina.
That was for later, though. For now, all of his attention was on her.
They went inside, and ended up standing hesitantly on opposite sides of the living room. Joel was wary of getting too close, in case the desire to hold Nina in his arms overwhelmed any attempts at communicating.
But we can talk while touching, his leopard insisted, wanting nothing more than to nuzzle up to Nina and never leave.
Joel overruled that, though not without a sharp pang of longing. Later, he told his leopard. Maybe.
Even that maybe felt dangerous. Like he was about to let go of a cliff face, a piece of rock he’d been clutching with all his might, and go hurtling out into free-fall, to land God knew where.
“So?” Nina said, when the silence had stretched out. “What did you want to say?”
“I’m sorry,” came out of Joel’s mouth, without decision or permission, just a raw feeling given voice. “For leaving this morning,” he clarified. “For not asking you what you wanted before I decided what was best. I was wrong.”
“You were afraid.” Nina always seemed to look right through him, somehow, and this time was no different. “Right? You looked terrified.”
Joel clenched his fists and nodded. “It’s just—the mate-bond could cause so much trouble. I’ve seen it. I don’t want anything to happen to you...like happened to my mother. I couldn’t live with that.” Like his father hadn’t been able to live with it.
Nina took a slow breath. She looked like she was thinking deeply. Joel waited to hear what she had to say.
“Alethia told me I was living in the past,” she said finally. “Letting stuff that had happened long ago control what I did now. That’s why I was so scared this morning, when your friends came to the cabin. Even though there was nothing to be afraid of.”
Joel hadn’t expected her to hit the nail on the head like that. In retrospect, he wasn’t sure why not. “Yeah. That’s like what Cal said to me just now. That I was making trouble for myself.”
Nina smiled, just a hint of a raised corner of her mouth. “We’re a pair, aren’t we?”
Relief was flooding through him. “Always ready for another catastrophe. That’s us.”
Nina took a step forward, and Joel matched her, until they were standing almost in touching distance. “You know, Zach and Teri made me lunch today,” Nina said.
It sounded like a non sequitur, but Joel trusted Nina to be going somewhere with it. “They did?”
Nina nodded. “And I kept thinking—it’s almost too much, being here. After living the life I’ve lived? Being in this house, eating grilled cheese and soup, watching the two of them...it doesn’t feel real. It feels like I’m watching myself on TV.”
Joel had to close eyes at the rush of pure recognition he felt, hearing that. He nodded.
When he opened them, Nina had taken another step forward. She was so close now, he could reach out and pull her in...
“But,” she continued, and Joel’s focus snapped back to what she was saying, “when I was in the cabin, with you, that felt just right. Someplace I could live. And maybe then I could come here, and eat lunch, and it would be crazy-perfect in kind of a weird way...and then go home, back to where it feels right.”
Joel understood.
He understood what Nina felt, because he felt the same way.
And he understood what she was trying to say.
“The mate-bond recognized that we were the same,” he said slowly. “That’s what you mean. It brought us together because we fit together.”
“Yes.” Nina’s eyes welled up with tears, and she blinked furiously. Joel forced himself to stay where he was, let her finish. “Every moment with you has been so right, Joel! I don’t feel compelled. And I’m not afraid.”
Fear. Fear was that cliff-face he’d been holding onto with both hands. Fear was keeping him from letting go, and falling into—life with Nina.
That was the great unknown, the thing he was afraid of? Life with Nina? Vulnerability to Nina? The close, crazy intimacy of the mate-bond with Nina?
Nina, who understood him better than anyone he knew. Who ran with him through the mountains, who melted in his arms, who looked at his cabin and saw a home. Who would never hurt him, and who stood up and told him what she felt, instead of letting his fears hurt her.
“I’ve been such an idiot,” Joel said all in a rush, and snatched Nina up into his arms.
She let out a startled shriek as her feet left the ground, but clutched him back just as hard, burying her face in his neck.
“Don’t say that,” she murmured. “You’re not an idiot. You’re just like me. Afraid of the past.”
Joel set her down, much more gently. “I love you. I truly do.”
Nina’s face crumpled for a minute, and two tears slipped down her cheeks. Instantly, Joel pulled in her in close again.
“I love you, too,” she whispered. “When you said you hated the idea that we had to be together—”
“No,” he said immediately, pressing a kiss to her damp cheek. “No. I was just afraid that it would hurt you, or that you wouldn’t have a choice. I wanted to be with you more than anything. It just felt awful to think that it might not be because you truly wanted it.”
“I want it.” Her voice was fierce, and Joel couldn’t do anything but believe her.
They held onto each other for a long, long time.
Finally, Joel pulled back and put his hands on her shoulders. “I can’t forget what happened to my parents,” he admitted, needing to be honest with her. “I don’t know if that’s going to go away.”
Nina shrugged, a tiny motion. “I’ll never forget what happened to me. I don’t think we should. I just think we need to remember that it’s the past. After all,” she brightened, “back then, your parents were the only mated couple you knew. What about all the ones you know now? Are they happy?”
Joel thought about Zach and Teri, how they laughed together, how Zach was brighter and more relaxed than Joel had ever known him to be. Grey, so quiet and reserved most of the time, seemed to open up with joy around his vivacious mate. And Jeff and Leah, the way they seemed to give off love, project it onto everyone around them, especially their baby...
“They’re the happiest people I know,” he said softly.
Nina’s face softened. “I want so much to be part of that,” she said.
“You will be. You are, already. You’ve talked more to the rest of the pack today than I probably have in the last week,” Joel pointed out. “Teri and Zach are ready to beat me up because I haven’t been treating you right.”
Nina’s eyes widened. “Oh, no—”
“I deserve it,” Joel told her. “But what I mean is, they want you to be a part of the pack. Didn’t they say that?”
Nina nodded slowly. “I don’t think I was ready to hear it yet. And they said so many things...Teri said something that stuck with me.”
Joel ran his hands down her arms, taking hold of her fingers and twining them together. “What did she say?”
“That with Zach, she was her best self.” Nina looked up at Joel with those grey-green eyes. “I believe that, you know. Since I met
you, I feel like I haven’t just been happier, I’ve been—braver. I think if this all had happened a few weeks ago, I would’ve just run away, skipped town. But this connection—” She squeezed his hands. “It makes me stronger.”
Her best self. The mate-bond bringing out someone’s best self.
Making you stronger, not weaker. Because it wasn’t about being independent after all. Joel wouldn’t trade what he was feeling now for independence. It turned out independence hadn’t meant what he’d thought it meant.
“You know,” Joel said with feeling, “normally, I’m a loner. I don’t stick my neck out for other people. Normally I don’t feel this...protective of anyone.” He’d felt something like this fierce, furious storm of emotion before, but it had only been for himself.
“I think you’re right,” he told her. “I think I’m stronger with you than I was before.” Stronger of character. More willing to listen, to talk to others, to admit he’d been wrong, to put Nina’s welfare before his own. So much better than when he’d been independently alone.
Yet another reason to love her. As if he needed any more.
Nina was smiling, and Joel found himself grinning stupidly back. He kissed her fiercely, and then again, and again.
When he finally made himself pull back, she kissed him again. The kiss started out soft and loving, but slowly, as Joel tasted Nina's lips, teased her tongue with his, it grew in intensity, until they were pressed up against each other and panting for breath. The feeling of Nina's body molded to his, the curves of her breasts and hips, was starting to make Joel forget that anyone and anything else existed.
Nina tore her mouth away with a gasp. "You have a room here, right?" she asked breathlessly.
Joel nodded, his body burning with desire...but he needed to make sure of something first. "Are you sure you want to do anything? You were crying just a minute ago."
Nina took his hand and smiled. "From happiness. I was crying because I was overwhelmed by how wonderful everything is turning out. But now I can think of a few more wonderful things we could do.”
So could Joel. "My room's upstairs."
Her smile turned playful, which was all the warning he had before she bolted for the stairs.