“And your family?”
“They’ll understand. I’m crazy about you, Leah. I want to do something for you, do something to make you smile.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Then say you’ll think about it.”
“I’ll think about it,” she whispered. And smiled.
Her pulse raced a bit when he smiled right back.
Chapter 15
December 23, 4:00 P.M.
The tiny flakes, once interspersed in the wind and fluttering like the most delicate of dandelion fuzz, multiplied in number. As the waning sun faded behind the expanse of clouds, the storm blew in.
Rendering everything in its midst immobile.
Levi watched the swirling patterns from his window. The chaotic flakes, as they swirled and fell, twisted and blew, reminded him of the state of his mind. It, too, was in chaos.
He’d been wrong to lay his problems on Melody’s slim shoulders. Dealing with Rosanna’s death was his burden alone, and no one else’s. He’d certainly had no business pushing his private demons her way.
He flinched as he recalled Melody’s look of shock, the stiffening of her shoulders. She obviously had more than enough to worry about on her own. What had he been thinking?
Nothing more than his own selfish desires, he imagined. Ever since Rosanna had died, he’d kept all his feelings to himself. Oh, not the grief-stricken ones; those he shared with everyone in his community, her parents. And his.
But the all-encompassing thoughts of desperation—the ones that kept him up in the middle of the night, the ones that filled his mind when he didn’t actively attempt to flood his thoughts with other things. Those were the things he kept private. As he well should.
Until today. And for a brief moment, he’d felt better. When he heard his words spoken aloud, he realized that perhaps it hadn’t been necessary to take all the blame for Rosanna’s passing. After all, the Lord was always with them, and there had been a reason He’d claimed them.
Levi knew that to be true.
So, for a brief moment in time, he’d felt his cloak of guilt lift, and he was able to look at the world in a clearheaded way. And the vision was brighter than he’d remembered.
And then he’d spied the worry and pain in Melody’s expression.
And everything became dark again.
He didn’t blame Melody’s reaction. Not at all.
Now he was shuttered again, alone with his thoughts, his grief and his worries. And feeling such pain—so fresh—that he worried about living his life any longer.
If God had taken Rosanna and their baby to heaven early, and Levi believed that to be true … what were God’s reasons for leaving him alive? Even Levi didn’t believe that God would unveil his wrath for the next thirty years. No man deserved to suffer for so long.
But if that wasn’t the logic behind His will. What was?
Pressing his palm to the icy pane, Levi poured his heart out. “Why, Lord? Why am I still living, when my Rosanna died? What reason did you have to take our baby? What purpose do you have for me?”
The frost on the pane was cold enough to burn after a few moments, sending icy hot blades into his palm and down his arm. With a start, Levi dropped his hand to his side.
Turning away from the window, he sank to his knees. Spoke from the very depths of his soul. He had nothing to lose—having already lost what was most important. And now he was on the verge of losing his mind … at least it felt that way.
Unless he could connect again with the living. And that, he realized with some surprise—was what he yearned for so very much. Since he hadn’t died, he wanted to live.
But he wanted to live fully, transparently with the Lord, and with others. He wanted to step out of the shadows and into his Maker’s light.
Closing his eyes, he prayed. “Lord, I am yours. I am yours as I always have been. Please guide me. Please walk with me, tell me your wishes. Tell me your wants. Lord, did you direct me to this place?
“Why did you give me Melody and her willing ear when I was so determined to pretend nothing had happened?”
He breathed deep, forcing his lungs to expand and deflate in a normal rhythm, not like he was out of breath from running in a race. Little by little, a sense of peace blanketed him. And he knew without a doubt that the Lord had heard him.
“You guided me here to live again, didn’t you? You guided me here to remind me what a family was, to remind me of the wonders of life, and of the wonders of renewal.”
It was his wake-up call, to be sure.
It was God’s Grace—giving all the love and security and hope that one could yearn for, even when one feels undeserving.
Because Rosanna and Ruth never would be forgotten. Of course, they wouldn’t. But that didn’t mean he had to live a forgotten life—live in the shadows, and in the past.
Wearily, he climbed to his feet. To his surprise, his cheeks were damp from shed tears. He brushed them off with his shirttail.
And stood a little straighter—
Just as he heard the knocking on his door.
“Levi? It is almost supper time,” Mr. Brenneman’s voice echoed through the wood. “Mr. Bender, Levi … are you all right?”
He crossed the room and opened the door. “Jah. I … am sorry, did you call from downstairs and I didn’t hear?”
“Not at all,” he replied, grinning. “Unlike some of my kinner, I’d rather not shout at the top of my lungs. I’d rather my feet did the work for me.”
Before Levi could tell Mr. Brenneman that he’d be down to supper presently, the older man wandered in. “Are you finding your room comfortable?”
“Yes. It is a nice room, to be sure.”
The innkeeper turned to the window with the shade pulled up. “I’ve always liked this view,” he murmured, crossing the room and looking out. “It kind of makes you feel like a barn owl, yes?”
Now that his vision was clearer, Levi realized it was true … one could see for miles. Even with the snow falling down, he could see the dim lights of other houses in the distance and, farther away, the faint glow of automobiles as they made their way along the highway. “That’s a good description, for sure.”
John Brenneman turned to face him. “I’ll ask you again. Levi, are you all right?”
The man’s expression was open. And his searching gaze showed that he saw everything, too. He was not a man who could be lied to.
And Levi didn’t want to lie.
“I don’t know. Years ago, my wife and baby died in childbirth. On Christmas Eve. The memories of that night have been with me every day since then. I’ve felt guilty that I was alive. And I felt guilty for my part in their death.”
“So you caused it?”
The direct question caught him off guard. Usually no one said a word about that night. “Not directly,” he said slowly. “I had wanted to have the birth at home. I had been obstinate that way.”
“I see.” For a moment, Mr. Brenneman stared out the window. Then, he turned to Levi again. “But how was their deaths your doing? What did you do?”
“Nothing on purpose.” His answer was automatic, which came as a surprise. Steeling himself, he admitted the whole truth. “I insisted that my wife have the baby at home. There were complications.”
“Ah.” A new understanding filled his gaze. “And so you think you caused the complications?” he asked gently.
“No. The baby had moved. Or maybe it was the placenta? Anyway, we couldn’t have known without a sonogram.” Once again, his words echoed in his mind. He couldn’t have known.
“Levi, it’s been my experience to try not to guess why the Lord does things,” he said quietly. “There has to be a reason he took them … and brought you here. Yes?”
“Yes. Tonight, I think I am at last realizing that.”
“What changed?”
“I finally spoke to the Lord about it. Oh, not asking for forgiveness, I’ve done that almost every day. But finally telling him
that I trusted him. That I believed in his will and his Grace.”
“Sometimes that’s a terrible hard thing to do, yes?”
“For me, that is true. But I feel better. And I am grateful for the opportunity to stay here. I am glad you’ve allowed your house to be my house this Christmas.”
The corners of John’s eyes crinkled as he smiled broadly. “Oh, no, Mr. Bender. My haus is your home too, jah? For now and forever, it is your home. And especially now, at Christmas.” He reached out and patted Levi’s shoulder. “You should come down now, if you can. Otherwise we’ll receive the wrath of the womenfolk.”
“I’m in no mood for that. Let me splash some water on my face and I’ll be right there.”
John Brenneman had already started walking. “We’ll save you a seat.”
Chapter 16
December 23, 5:00 P.M.
Never had venison and pork roast and yams and green beans tasted so good, Melody reflected. Though, most certainly, the flavor of the food had as much to do with her dining partners as it did with the cooks’ skills.
The long table was filled with the family and their two guests. Next to Melody sat Anna and her husband Henry; and across, their friend Winnie and her husband Sam. Next to them were Katie and Jonathan and their girls Hannah and Mary. At the ends were Mr. and Mrs. Brenneman. And to the right of Mr. Brenneman sat Levi Bender.
He had on a different shirt than he had worn when they’d gone walking. This one, a deep, dark blue, held neatly by black suspenders, matched his dark hair and beard.
And his dark hazel-colored eyes.
He turned and met her gaze. Melody felt herself flush for a moment. Flustered, she looked down at her plate again.
It wouldn’t do for everyone to see her staring at him. It wouldn’t do at all.
But now that she’d taken a good, long look his way, Melody couldn’t help think about him.
Most certainly, Levi Bender had kidnapped her thoughts.
Yes, he was truly a handsome man. He was blessed with good skin and a muscular build that moved gracefully when he did anything.
But what really drew her eye was his quiet reserve. Now.
Before, he’d looked so angry. Angry with himself, and with her. Why, he’d hardly been able to look at her without burning her with his vehemence.
Now, of course, she understood why.
But something had changed. A true sense of peace now seemed to fill him. Every action and word appeared less wary and more open.
And then, wonder of wonders, he laughed. The sound was loud and free. Full of happiness. Not stifled at all. It encouraged her to want to laugh, too.
Actually, it encouraged a great many emotions—some long dormant. None of which involved fear. All of which included a mesmerizing longing.
Melody was so pleased by his transformation that she almost chuckled, too. She saved face by staring at her plate. Oh, if only roasted pork actually held as much appeal!
Conversation floated around her, but she only had ears for Levi.
“Mary, your stories about school make me very glad I’m not there anymore,” he said, sounding more human than ever before. “I don’t know what I would have done if my classroom had housed a snake in a cage.”
“I know I wouldn’t have appreciated living with that creature,” Mrs. Brenneman said. “I am verra thankful the teacher didn’t ask the kinner to take it home on the weekends.”
“I wish we could have brought it home. We liked it,” Mary said.
Katie patted her stepdaughter’s shoulder. “I know you did. And I know your teacher says that God loves all creatures. I’m sure he does, but I have to say that I’m still afraid of that snake.”
Jonathan waved off his wife’s silliness. “It was nothing. Just a simple garter snake—one that the boys in Mary’s class caught and brought inside. I’m sure it rues the day it decided to venture into the schoolyard.”
Levi grinned. “I’m sure your teacher rues the day she let you all keep it.”
“It would have been all right if the snake didn’t keep getting loose.”
“I can only imagine,” Katie said.
“She said we now have to keep it until spring, because it might freeze if we left it out in the snow.”
“I’m afraid you are right.”
The conversation floated to other topics then. The men discussed their deer hunt; Anna and Katie described the progress that had been made on a quilt. Little by little, Melody found herself participating, but only at a minimum.
She assumed the others imagined she was too shy to talk much.
But that wasn’t what had stopped her. No, it was the focus of her thoughts. Levi. Now that she understood about his past. Now that she understood about his pain, she couldn’t stop wishing she could get to know him better.
After dinner, she insisted on helping to clear the table. Mrs. Brenneman allowed her to carry a few plates in, but then motioned her out of the warm kitchen. “You should stay off your feet, Melody,” she chided. “I heard you already went for a long walk. That’s enough exercise, yes?”
Not wanting to be a bother, Melody nodded. “All right. I will go sit in the parlor.”
As she walked to that room, she noticed all the men helping to clear the table and sweep. To her surprise, Sam and Henry even carried a couple of the extra chairs that they’d pulled up to the dinner table back to where they belonged.
Then Levi walked to her side. “There’s a puzzle out. Would you like to work on it with me?”
She nodded. When they sat across from each other, he looked her way and smiled. “I’m actually not much for puzzles, but I wanted the chance to speak with you,” he confided. “Alone.”
Anticipation rose inside her. “Yes?”
He bent his head, moved two pieces this way and that. “Melody, the truth is, I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry about earlier. About what I told you during our walk.”
“You’re sorry you told me about your wife?”
“Yes.” After pausing for a second, he finally met her gaze. “It was wrong of me to tell you so much.”
“I feel just the opposite,” Melody said. “I’m glad you told me what concerned you.”
“But still, it was wrong to tell you such things.”
“Because I’m pregnant and you don’t want to worry me? Or is it because it is so painful to talk about?”
His expression gentled as he exhaled. “Both. Sometimes, Melody, I feel like you can read my mind. As a matter of fact, I was just asking myself some of those very same things. Asking and praying for guidance.”
“Did you find any peace?”
He smiled then. “I like how you said that. Peace.”
Melody only knew about searching for peace because she’d tried so hard to pray for it herself. “Peace can be a hard thing to discover,” she said slowly.
“But I think prayer is helping.” Now giving up all pretense of even looking at the puzzle, Levi stretched out a hand to her. When she placed her palm in his, he slowly smiled. “Prayer has helped me realize that many of my problems have lain deep within me. I believe in our Lord something fierce. I know he directs my day. I talk to him like he’s my friend—because I know he is. I know He cares for me. But, Melody, I had shut him out with my pain.”
She knew exactly what that felt like. “Sometimes, when the pain is so hard, it makes the world dark.”
“That was how my life was. Filled with darkness instead of light. I had shut him out. As soon as I realized that if I trust him with so much, I should also trust him with my pain and burdens, too … and I felt better.”
“I’m glad for that.” Looking at their hands clasped together, thinking about how much easier it was to talk to each other, she shyly added, “Tonight, you seem different.”
“I feel different, too. Can I tell you a secret?”
“Of course.”
“In the back of my mind, I had been counting the hours until I would leave. I’ve been uncomfortable here
, seeing all the other couples. This inn has been nothing that I imagined.”
“For me, too. For some reason, I had hoped that I could fade into the woodwork and not be seen.”
“I had thought we’d be one of many guests.”
Looking at their linked fingers again, she said, “Instead, we stick out like sore thumbs.”
“But now, I’m determined to enjoy each day to the fullest. I don’t want to wish away Christmas. I want to enjoy these last moments of Advent and look forward to Jesus’s birth with anticipation.”
“I, too, am eager for that.” After squeezing her hand, he released it.
“There seems to be a bond between us. Maybe it’s because we both know hardship and pain. Melody, can we make a truce of some kind? Can we decide to become friends?”
“I would like that. It would be wunderbaar, jah?”
He grinned. “It would be wunderbaar schee.”
Melody smiled right back. It would be wonderful nice, indeed.
December 23, 6:30 P.M.
Leah grimaced as her mother let loose another emotional tirade. “Mother, no. I do not want you to meet me in Cincinnati. I’m fine.”
“I don’t think so. Everything you’ve been doing is completely out of character for you, Leah. You don’t hang out with men you’ve hardly met. Remember what happened to Melody?”
Like she could ever forget. “This isn’t the same situation, Mom. You and I both know that. Plus, I know Zack well now.”
“So you say.” Her voice lowered. “Are you in trouble? Do you feel like he’s forcing his company on you?”
“Uh, no. Mom. I’m a sensible person. I don’t do things without a reason.”
“I used to think that, but now I’m not so sure. You’re worrying me. I can’t believe you are going to visit Melody in the company of a man you hardly know. What will she think?”
Leah prayed for patience. “Now we’re worrying about Melody’s opinion of me? Mom, don’t you think you’re taking things a little too far?”
“I don’t think far enough. Please, why don’t you reconsider this journey you’re on?”
Grace: A Christmas Sisters of the Heart Novel Page 12