by Jean Haner
Unhealthy expression: You may have trouble letting go of a relationship, or the other person could refuse to leave—to the point of stalking.
Famous examples: Martin Luther King, Jr.; Russell Crowe; Paula Deen
9.4.1
Healthy expression: You have a warm and easygoing presence, yet a delicate emotional nature. You’ll always need change and variety, to experience new things in life, and to express your creativity.
Unhealthy expression: You can be insecure or overly sensitive to rejection.
Famous examples: Maya Angelou, Steven Spielberg, Jane Fonda
9.5.9
Healthy expression: Creative and expressive, you’re driven to live your passion and spread love; if you can stay focused, you have the potential for great success. To you, nothing is worth doing unless it lights you up.
Unhealthy expression: You can be vain and manipulative.
Famous examples: Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, Marisa Tomei
9.6.8
Healthy expression: You want to achieve a level of power in life; because you’re so motivated, you may well rise to the top. You’re hardworking and dedicated, and people may be surprised by how seriously you take your work.
Unhealthy expression: You can be controlling or critical.
Famous examples: Bill Gates, Deepak Chopra, Maria Shriver
9.7.7
Healthy expression: Warm and gracious, you’re very attuned to the energy of other people and sincere in your desire to make them happy. Everything you create will be beautiful, including the experiences you give to others.
Unhealthy expression: You can be anxious and need constant attention.
Famous examples: Yo-Yo Ma, Susan Sarandon, Tommy Lee Jones
9.8.6
Healthy expression: You’re charismatic and driven to do something meaningful with your life, and you’ll be single-minded in your desire to reach your goals. At the same time, you’re a natural at inspiring others to do their best.
Unhealthy expression: You can be ambitious or unsympathetic to others.
Famous examples: Mother Teresa, Bill Clinton, Dustin Hoffman
9.9.5
Healthy expression: Extremely creative and passionate and with a love of stimulation, you may end up as the center of attention wherever you go. You’re emotionally open, and this makes you a great friend to everyone.
Unhealthy expression: You may manipulate people or be a show-off.
Famous examples: Sandra Bullock, Courtney Love, Jimmy Smits
The descriptions in this chapter are only meant as brief examples, of course. There are many diverse and fascinating ways that you can express your unique nature. The more you can recognize your inner design, the more easily you’ll be able to express it in healthy ways, and genuinely love and accept yourself. In the next chapter, we’ll explore this even more deeply.
CHAPTER 7
YOUR ELEMENTAL
NATURE
If you’ve read either of my books on Chinese face reading (The Wisdom of Your Face and The Wisdom of Your Child’s Face), you know that all my work is based on the ancient principles of Chinese medicine, the foundation of which are the Five Elements, a system that evolved from further study of the harmonious movements in the circle of yin and yang. The Elements describe qualities of energy that represent how life works, the intricate patterns in nature. They’re expressed as the terms Water, Wood, Fire, Earth, and Metal, and each of these is also descriptive of a certain personality type. In fact, if you’ve read my other books, most likely as you’ve been reading this one, you’ve been thinking, That sounds a lot like a Water personality. This one sounds like a Wood person, and so on. If you did, you were absolutely right!
Here are the basic qualities of the Elements:
— Water: This is the energy of winter, when it seems like nothing is alive on the surface, but in fact the seeds are germinating underground, unseen. It also holds the quality of nighttime, when you’re floating in dream consciousness rather than dealing with the realities of life. And it’s the mysterious land of both the time before birth and the afterlife, a dark and powerful place of creation and destruction.
— Wood: Here we find the energy of spring, an active time when the plants burst through the ground with a tremendous drive to be alive. It’s also associated with morning, when we’re feeling charged up and optimistic about the day. This is early childhood, that enthusiastic “go-go-go” energy of the little child running and shouting.
— Fire: Now comes summer, when flowers are in full bloom and the long days are full of sunshine and opportunities for fun. It also relates to high noon, the height of the day when the sun is at its brightest. This is the prime of life, that stage when you are at your physical peak and can’t wait to get out there and look for love.
— Earth: This is early fall, harvest time, when the food is abundant and we can all rest easy. It’s early afternoon, when you’re back from lunch and just want to sit and not work so hard. And it represents middle age, when you begin to slow down and want to enjoy home and family more.
— Metal: Here is the last stage of the cycle, late fall, when the trees lose their leaves and it looks like all of nature is at the end of its life. It’s like late afternoon, when you clear your desk to get ready to go home and rest. This is old age, when you appreciate the preciousness of each moment of the remaining time you have.
All of nature is made up of the Five Elements, even people. Each of the Elements has distinct qualities that reveal themselves in our personalities as patterns of tendencies to think, feel, and behave in certain ways; and with inherent values, beliefs, and reactions to the world around us.
Nine Star Ki is also based on the Five Elements, but was further refined and developed to show nine different personality types instead of the basic five. Like Chinese medicine, it’s based on the I Ching or Book of Changes, which is one of the most ancient books in the world, said to be at least 3,000 years old. Although more commonly thought of in the West as a book used for divination, it actually offers a profound understanding of how life works, using eight patterns called trigrams, circling around a center axis. This is why there are nine numbers, one for each of the eight trigrams and the ninth for the center space.
Here, two things happen with the Five Elements: The names of the elements are expressed as numbers instead of words, and some of the elements are split into yin or yang versions.
The qualities of yin and yang are sometimes described as being feminine and masculine energy, but as you read in Chapter 1, there are many ways to understand their characteristics. And with people’s personalities, these concepts have nothing to do with being like a woman or a man. To describe them very simply, a yang personality is one that’s expressed outward or more actively, while a yin personality holds their energy inward or expresses it more tentatively.
Here is how the personality types are expressed in Nine Star Ki:
Number One is the equivalent of a Water Element influence—creative, intuitive, deeply emotional, and with a lot going on under the surface.
Number Two has what’s referred to as a Yin Earth character. This is the pure Mother personality, whose life is all about nurturing others but who may give too much.
Number Three is called Yang Wood, represented by the Warrior—enthusiastic, driven, and loving to be active mentally and physically.
Number Four is Yin Wood, someone who carries a gentler version of the Warrior nature. You may have noticed some similarities between Three and Four in the descriptions earlier in this book, and that’s because they’re both Wood types.
Number Five is also an Earth quality, similar to a Two but more powerful and grounded. You may have seen some parallels between Twos and Fives as you read, and this is why. Five is neither yin nor yang, but is considered to be the center that all the others revolve around.
Number Six is Yang Metal, expressed as the powerful Father personality who’s highly sensitive and aware because he’s in charge of the fami
ly and needs to be sure all details are well taken care of.
Number Seven is Yin Metal, also highly sensitive but much more attuned to adjusting to others’ energy. Sixes and Sevens have a lot in common because they’re both Metal; but as you’ve read, they have significant differences as well.
Number Eight is Yang Earth, the third version of the Mother personality. This one is the mountain, the strong mother who’s able to support a huge family; while the classic Two Earth has a softer, more receptive energy. The Five Earth, while still a giver, is more demanding of others’ attention.
Number Nine has the equivalent of the Fire influence—warm, expressive, and affectionate, yet overly affected by other people’s feelings.
Even though your hidden design is made up of three numbers and not all nine, this doesn’t mean that anything is missing. There’s a perfect symmetry to how the qualities of your numbers weave together to produce your unique nature. We don’t wonder why cats don’t have wings or flowers don’t grow fur! There’s an intentional design to each creature in the world—reasons why they were formed the way they were—that allows them to function as planned and to live and learn what they’re meant to in their time. You’re a part of that same system. Your form has a coherence and meaning that’s a perfect fit for who you came here to be.
Yin-Yang Relationships Among the Numbers
The yin numbers are Two, Four, and Seven; and the yang numbers are Three, Six, and Eight. One and Nine aren’t split up into yin and yang versions; and as stated previously, Five is neither yin nor yang—it holds the center.
Having yin or yang numbers doesn’t make you feminine or masculine; however, they do color your energy, affecting how you express yourself and how you come across to others. In our culture at this time, it can in fact be less comfortable for a man to have yin numbers or a woman to have yang numbers because they have qualities that our society defines as belonging to the opposite gender.
For example, if a man’s first number is Two, he may sometimes feel as if somehow he’s not manly enough, because the energy of Two is very yin, soft, and nurturing. A man who’s a Two is completely masculine, of course, but is usually not dominating or over-competitive. Instead, he focuses on the harmony of the group, which is a wonderful quality in a man! In addition, if he’s in a relationship with a woman who’s a Six, for instance, he may feel controlled or even emasculated by her and blame her without recognizing the energetic dynamics of their partnership. The man is actually the yin Mother (Two) of the relationship while the woman is the yang Father (Six), the one in charge.
If a woman is a Three (Yang Wood), she’ll be active, bright, and enthusiastic; but both men and women may judge her as a bit pushy or even aggressive. The energy of a Three is very direct and focused on action, certainly not the stereotypically sweet, shy girly girl; but this doesn’t mean she’s not feminine! However, she may sometimes feel bewildered by negative reactions from others when she’s just being herself.
It can be such a relief to discover the influence of a yin or yang number on your personality and how others perceive you. It’s not about trying to change who you are, but understanding why you’re having this experience with people. Often just the awareness takes all the tension out and eliminates any chance of your blaming yourself for being who you are.
Differences within the same Element can even be challenging. For example, William was a Two married to Joan, a Five. Both numbers are Mother Earth personalities but with different flavors. Twos are the most receptive and even submissive of all the numbers, while Fives are quite powerful, even controlling and demanding.
William’s perception was that Joan was always ordering him around, while Joan felt like she was a better problem solver than he and was just trying to help. Actually, both were true—she was only telling him what to do because she was more confident about being able to figure things out and wanted to support him. But Joan also exceeded boundaries at times and didn’t let her husband do things his way. As a Two, William also lacked confidence, so her taking charge pushed all his buttons of self-judgment about that aspect of his personality.
The couple was invited to a dinner party, and Joan brought a homemade pie as a gift. The hosts had already prepared a dessert, but after dinner they graciously brought out both sweets for people to choose from. The host was at the head of the table, trying to dish up the pie but having a bit of trouble, when Joan leapt to her feet and took the knife from his hand, saying, “Oh, let me help you!” At that point, William turned bright red and shouted, “Will you let him do it?!”
The other guests had merely seen someone trying to help. Yet in William’s mind, he was watching Joan control and emasculate another man, just as he felt she did to him, and he was horribly embarrassed.
Discovering how the influence of your birth date affects your relationship can be incredibly liberating and can help prevent misunderstandings or heal past ones to ensure smoother sailing going forward.
The various characteristics interact in many ways, of course—more than just yin and yang reacting to each other. A Three will want to leap into action, while a Six will want to triple-check first to make sure every detail is right. A Two will place more value on personal connections, while a One will prefer to rely on their own inner resources. The key is to deepen your understanding of each of the numbers so that you can recognize and respect where someone’s feelings and behaviors are coming from. In the next chapter, we’ll explore just how important that is.
CHAPTER 8
FEELING SEEN
When Lisa met with me for a reading, I could tell she had a certain outcome in mind: She was determined to get permission to divorce her husband. It turns out that she’d been married for 25 years and had been miserable for most of them. She said it was obvious they were such different people in every way that they never should have gotten married, and there was no hope that they could continue to live in the same house together. They fought bitterly each day, and she knew that only by escaping this terrible union could she find happiness.
Of course, I could never tell Lisa whether or not to stay in her marriage. All I could do is share with her what I was seeing about her inner nature and that of her husband, and hopefully give her insights that would allow her to make the best decision for herself.
As I looked at the Nine Star Ki chart, my eyebrows went up—my client and her husband had the exact same numbers! She sat there expectantly, waiting for me to confirm their deep differences, but instead what I relayed to her was how alike they were.
When two people have the same numbers, they usually either get along like gangbusters or push each other’s buttons. In romance, it often starts out seeming as though you’ve found your soul mate. But over time, this can transform into an ex-perience where that person reflects back to you all the unloved parts of yourself, so they trigger you—and, of course, you trigger them, too.
As I did the reading, we explored how Lisa was expressing her inner design and how her husband’s perceptions, feelings, and behavior were actually a version of the very same thing. We talked about how the reactions between them had accumulated layer by layer over the years to bring them to this point. It didn’t mean Lisa shouldn’t get a divorce, but these new insights had taken away the story she’d been using to justify her desire to leave. However, even though we were able to come up with some options, I could tell that she continued to feel shocked by this turn of events since she’d arrived intent on an entirely different answer.
The next morning, Lisa called me, saying that she just had to share something with me. She said, “I left your hotel last night, got into my car, and sat there and sobbed for half an hour. I couldn’t believe what you’d told me. I couldn’t accept that my husband was anything like me at all. I felt totally hopeless.
“It was late, so I finally had to just go home. My husband had already gone to sleep, and I crawled into bed and lay there beside him, staring at the ceiling, feeling utter despair. As I lay there in the
dark, listening to him breathe, it suddenly dawned on me—we are the same. He and I are the same. We want the same things; we see the world in the same way. His fears are my fears, and he craves love the same way I do. It was like my mind opened up and light streamed in. All the ways I’d been judging him were just a mirror of the things I hated about myself. All the things I blamed him for, I was doing the same as well. And in that moment, I knew that I had to heal this relationship. If I left now, I’d be in pain the rest of my life.”
Lisa stayed in her marriage for five more years, devoted to learning to love herself and her husband. They finally parted, but they did so with respect and kindness, and she went on to live a joyful life, rather than spending years trying to recover and probably re-creating the same experience all over again with someone else.
Several years later, I heard from Lisa. She said she wanted me to know that she remembered the reading she’d had with me as the first time in her life that she felt truly recognized and accepted. She believed that experience was what made her able to go on to do the same for her husband as well.
I sometimes recall Lisa when I do a reading for someone, because there’s often a moment at the end of our time together when the woman or man I’ve been working with gets up to leave, but then stops, looks at me with their face glowing, and says, “This is the first time in my life I’ve felt truly seen.”
That’s when I feel a rush of honor. I’m so grateful to have been able to give them that gift. Even though we probably talked about some tough stuff, even though I’m certain to have reflected to them how they’ve been getting in their own way, they didn’t feel judged but recognized. Seen.