by Kitty Margo
“Tell me every detail from the minute he walked in.” I waited breathlessly as she took the time to pour Thousand Island dressing over her salad. I know the girl was famished, so was I, but let’s try to get our priorities in order here. “Don’t leave anything out! Start at the beginning.”
She finally took a deep breath and began her oratory. “I saw them when they came in. He stopped to talk to some people at the door,” she whispered conspiratorially. “The minute he walked in he saw you. He got this weird look on his face. I don’t know, like mad or confused. But then Adam always looks confused. Anyway, he stood frozen in his spot for a few seconds. Then he walked in and just stood there waiting for you to open your freaking eyes! And by the way, you looked quite content with Deebo’s hands all over you.”
“Don’t you dare change the subject! What was the precious one doing?”
She took a huge bite of salad and chewed it longer than the average cow chews its cud. Then without apparent haste, or concern that I was on the verge of choking her, she took a big swig of iced tea to wash it down. “Oh, she was just trailing along behind him like some simpleton. She had to know he was staring you down. I personally would have been thumping Adam’s head and telling him to get a grip if I was her.” She took another large bite of salad, miraculously found room in her mouth to stuff a cracker and, spitting crumbs, continued. “Especially when the two of you were just gazing at each other like there was no one else in the restaurant. I have to admit, for a few minutes there I was terrified that you were going to do something stupid, like run into Adam’s outstretched arms.”
Mallory always did have a flair for the dramatic. And what outstretched arms? It would have been on if he had so much as stretched out his pinkie. “The thought crossed my mind.”
“I know it did. I could tell from the look of complete adulation on your face.” She breathed an irritated sigh. “Now this will bring all of those unnecessary feelings for Adam rushing back.”
When had they left?
Mallory felt no love loss for Adam, whatsoever. Her boyfriend, at the time, had been the one who had introduced Adam and me on a blind date. So I guess she felt somewhat responsible for the ensuing chaos. Hers had been the shoulder that I had sobbed quarts of nasal secretions on for the last three years. She knew every pain and heartache that he had ever caused me and obviously wasn’t anxious to witness a repeat performance.
“Why did he have to show up here anyway?”
“Well, in the booming metropolis of Twin Rivers, we have Alfredo’s and Bojangles. It wouldn’t take a nuclear physicist to answer that question.” However, my mind had already traveled through time and space to the apartment Chia had recently moved in to. I was imagining, in vivid detail, what they were doing and in which room they were doing it. I knew Chia was drop dead gorgeous, but ever the glutton for punishment I needed to hear Mallory’s assessment of her. “What did you think of her?”
“You were right. She’s… pretty.” Then, of a sudden, she seemed extremely interested in the inner workings of a saltshaker.
“Pretty!” The word came out a little harsher than I had intended, but I was so not feeling like being patronized tonight. “The girl transcends pretty, Mallory, and you damn well know it!”
“Okay, so she is a freaking knock out! Nonetheless you can tell by the way she just stood there, with her man fixated on another woman, that her pretty little head didn’t come equipped with a brain. How did Adam get her anyway?”
Mallory seemed truly perplexed by Adam’s ability to have a woman of such stunning beauty enamored with him. Exactly what did that say about me?
“Who knows?” I was unable to hide my smile. But he won’t have her long. In a rush Lady Wonder's words filled my head, “He will feel exactly what you are feeling now. Only worse.”
I sat staring at the door hoping against any last remaining vestiges of hope that Adam would drop Chia off at home to make egg rolls and rush back with a sincere declaration of his undying love for me dripping from his lips. I slid my untouched salad toward Mallory and she smiled her thanks before digging in.
Refusing to allow my mind to wander and conjure up a clear image of what the lovebirds were up to in her cozy little apartment, I forced myself to eat a couple of tasteless hot wings. Then I drove home as a familiar, weary depression settled over me.
Five
Now I shall do my utmost to paint an accurate portrayal of my three bff’s, a trio of diversity, my girlfriends. One is an incessant whiner, one has a slight speech impediment, and one is, for lack of a better description, a royal bitch.
We take turns going to each other’s homes monthly for our Monday night gab fests, and tonight is my night to host. I had prepared a chicken potpie, tossed a garden salad and created a divine concoction of chocolate pudding with whipped cream, nuts and cherries.
Let’s start with the incessant whiner, Mallory (whom you’ve already met). Picture Drew Barrymore with Fran Dresher’s grating snivel. She is short with more curves than Jessica Rabbit, minus the boobs, and I must confess the girl is your classic nympho. Honestly, she craves sex like I craved chocolate when I still had a period, which I haven’t had since cervical cancer marched into my life causing my doctor to insist on a complete hysterectomy at age 41.
Mallory only dates black men. All her intimate friends have heard her say at least once that just the thought of a white man’s penis makes her sick to her stomach. “They are so. . .so. . . pink!”
She began dating black men as nothing more than a way to piss her extremely overbearing mother off and in the process got hooked for life. It’s amazing what dramatic changes the love of a child can bring about. Mallory has a bi-racial daughter who is now the very center of her once intolerant mother’s universe.
Bless her heart. Mallory is also tender hearted to a fault. She can’t tolerate even the suggestion of hurting anyone’s feelings. I have stood by and watched her spend her last penny to buy a handmade birdhouse, when she didn’t even have a tree to hang it in, because an elderly man was selling them.
Therefore, most times when I am lamenting my pain and angst, she tells me what she believes I need to hear in order to feel better about my life in general. “It will be alright, Eve. He’ll call. Just give him time to think about it. Even though I can’t stand him, Adam loves you. I know he does. He is just…well…beyond stupid.”
Tammy has a slight speech impediment. Any word that has an s is pronounced with a th. Picture Rosie O'Donnell with a lisp. She is tall with a fuller figure and has a fondness for Latino-flavored men. She works in the accounting department of a large factory.
Her advice depends largely on what mood she’s in. If it’s a rotten mood, she will be quick to inform me that I should find someone else. “Adam couldn’t pothibly have loved you and cheated with Chia like he did.” If she is having a cheerful day, she will dial his number and motion for me to pick up the other receiver just so I can hear his sweet Yankee voice.
Now on to my favorite royal bitch. Teri. Picture Pamela Anderson with brown highlighted hair and much fuller lips. Okay. One statement pretty much sums her up. Until a couple of years ago, she was a man. Yep. A man. However, only the keenest and most perceptive eye would ascertain that now. She is decidedly female now, and has one of those bodies to die for. Large firm implanted breasts with nipples in the epicenter. I would kill to have my nipples back in their epicenter! Curvaceous hips, a tiny lipo sculpted waist, cheek implants, chin implant, buttock implants, laser resurfaced skin and all over laser hair removal, tattooed eyebrows and everything waxed, manicured and pedicured.
She had the final appendage removal a few years ago and was at last able to find the peace as a woman she had craved her entire life. The word that comes to mind most when describing Teri would be diva. You would imagine her walking a runway in Paris rather than being the gated community housewife that she is.
Her advice to me is always brutally honest. She tells it just like she sees it. No sparing an
yone’s feelings with that girl. Hell, no. Not a chance. She has chewed my butt out on more than one occasion until it was left raw and bleeding over who she refers to as that spineless piece of human offal, Adam.
The night I had found out about Adam and Chia, after pain pills had finally eased the ferocious pain and nausea of a migraine, Teri had stayed on the phone with me the better part of the night talking me through the heartbreak of betrayal to prevent me from doing anything stupid. I received flowers and a fruit basket the following morning, because Teri has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known. We’ve been best friends for 15 years since we…she was a he then…met in Cosmetology School.
Teri is now a very much in demand hairdresser in Charlotte, doing things with a head of hair that most hairstylists can only dream of. While I, on the other hand, knew after only two months of working in a hair salon that I wasn’t cut out for a career of catering to the wants and demands of the public, and moved on.
The old queen who had employed me in his salon had an elderly clientele and charged $8.00 a pop for a roller set and style. $8.00 mind you! And he took half of that for booth rent and supplies. This meant that if I listened to the demands of 10 finicky chattering little old ladies, arranged every last spit curl to their satisfaction, and applied an entire can of Aqua Net to each of their heads, at the end of the day I would walk away with the whopping sum of $40.00. Needless to say, after Uncle Sam took his cut, gas to and from work, and the occasional What-A-Burger, I was far removed from living in the lap of luxury.
While Teri moved to Charlotte and immediately got a job in one of the swankier salons, I enrolled at the community college for my Phlebotomy License. So I have my Cosmetology License and Phlebotomy License and end up scrubbing toilets for a living. Go figure!
So those are my three best friends. One only dates black men, one says there is nothing a man can do for her that her silver bullet can’t do, and one used to be a man.
“So, Eve, Eve, Eve…” Teri began.
Watch out! Here it comes!
Stabbing a slice of onion and for once failing to complain about it being mixed in with her greens, she daintily laid it to the side of her plate. “Please tell me that you are going to move on and not wait until Chia gets bored with that idiot you seem so fond of and he comes slithering back to you?”
Told you the girl was brutal. I chose to ignore the question, since she seemed to be baiting me. Evidently, she had missed a few hormone injections.
Tammy was busily trying to avoid any confrontation and picking what she referred to as chunks of red mush --tomatoes to you and me-- out of her salad. The group had a palate that was impossible to please and I had ceased trying years ago, leaving them to pick out the offending vegetables at will.
Teri couldn't tolerate onions, because they gave her heartburn and made her breath smell vile. Tammy cringed and swore that tomatoes gave her heart palpitations. And Mallory commenced to gagging if you placed anything that resembled a cucumber in front of her. The salad contained a combination of all three. It was either that or put a head of lettuce on the table.
Finished with her salad, Tammy set the bowl aside, scooped out a healthy portion of potpie and asked the words she had been dying to ask, “You thaw Chia, Mallory. How doth the look?” At times it sounded like Tammy had lost her lisp and was speaking straight out of the Bible.
Mallory stopped with her fork in mid air, positively loving the fact that she was privy to something the other two were still mercilessly in the dark about and bestowed upon me a most pitiful gaze. She shook her head and hesitated, unsuccessfully trying to convince us that for the first time in her life she had no comment, when I knew her lips were positively twitching to inform Tammy and Teri of Chia’s exquisite beauty.
“Don’t be silly.” I insisted, even though my heart sank to the floor at the thought of hearing she looks like a frigging supermodel yet again. “Be honest.” I couldn’t believe I was giving her permission to utter the awful truth.
“She looks like a frigging supermodel!” Then Mallory cocked an eye at Tammy and urged her to please consider leaving some potpie for the rest of us.
“Bite me,” was Tammy's reply.
Teri seemed wholly confused by Mallory's description. “Now don’t take this the wrong way, Eve. But how in the hell did Adam get someone who even remotely resembles a supermodel?”
“Same thing I asked.” Mallory burst out laughing, then glanced at me. “Sorry, Eve.”
“I mean I know you loved him, but he probably has any number of STD’s with the amount of screwing around he does. By the way, did you ever get tested?”
“Not yet.” I had intended to though. I just hadn’t gotten around to actually doing it.
“Well, I am going to call in the morning and make an appointment for you.”
“I’ll call. I'm due for a physical anyway.”
To be honest, now that I knew about Adam’s rampant sexcapades, I had been lying awake nights dreading what the doctor might tell me. I shuddered, remembering the nights of unprotected sex.
Suddenly the mixture of cream of chicken soup, Vegall, and chunks of chicken topped with Bisquick, lost its earlier appeal. My appetite completely deserted me as visions of revenge danced through my head. “I know this sounds extremely junior high, but I wish there was some way to get back at Adam. A way to make him hurt the way he hurt me. You know, just make him feel a little pain!”
“That shouldn’t be too difficult.” Teri grinned a devilish grin that we were all too well acquainted with. “This potpie is delicious, by the way. It’s so nice to enjoy a…simple meal for a change.” She cut her eyes at Mallory, who had a proclivity to serve soul food, such as hog jowls and chittlins, on her nights, albeit delicious soul food. “I’m sure if we put our heads together we could devise a plan to cause the imbecile some small portion of pain.” It was obvious that the excitement of getting even appealed to her. “You could always hire a hit man.”
I hoped she was joking. But Lord knows the girl still had a goodly amount of residual testosterone flowing through her veins. “Could we perhaps devise a plan that’s a little less criminal?” I set desert dishes and my chocolate concoction on the table. “Perhaps formulate a plan that doesn’t include the possibility of me rubbing elbows with a mass murderer?”
“Well, that certainly takes all the fun out of it,” Teri quipped, draining her glass of tea and getting up for a refill. “Anybody else want more?”
“You know how he loves his car.” Mallory brainstormed as she held out her glass. “It could always get accidentally damaged.”
“He would know the did it. And have the copth on her atth in a minute.”
“I don’t think he would have the cops on her ass,” Mallory disagreed, scooping out dessert and passing the bowl to Tammy. “But he would certainly be extremely pissed and expect her to pay for the damages.”
“How good doth thith thound? What if Chia fell for thumone elth?” Tammy nearly swooned as the desert touched her lips. She popped a cherry and then giggled and continued with her idea of a joke. “And the dumped him.”
Oh my God! What a beautiful plan. And why hadn’t I thought of it? That would cause Adam volumes of untold misery if the woman he was madly in love with fell for someone else and suddenly departed his firm grasp for the arms of another man.
“That’s it,” I whispered absently licking the chocolate from my spoon. “Tammy you are a freaking genius, and why didn’t you think of it sooner?” It was such a truly brilliant plot! Revenge at its best! “And I know just the person to do it.” I glanced at Mallory with a sly grin.
“Eric!” we both said in unison as Mallory’s eyes took on a faraway gleam.
“He could do it,” she murmured, licking her lips. She had made an exception and gone a few rounds with his pink dicked self, and judging from the leering grin on her face, was at that very minute contemplating the offer of a repeat performance.
Eric was an employee of mine. Tall, ta
n, drop dead gorgeous, and had probably never once heard the word no fall from the lips of a female.
“Okay, we have a plan,” Teri said deep in thought. “Now for the details. Where does the trollop live?”
“I have no idea.” If I had odds were great that my Jeep would be parked in the general vicinity of her apartment right then. “Damn!”
“Well, now let’s just think about this. Surely someone can tell us where the hussy lives. I mean this is Twin Rivers, not Charlotte. It wouldn’t be beneath you to follow her home one night, would it?” Teri, the reigning Queen of Scheme suggested.
“Brilliant!” I giggled knowing full well, as did everyone else at the table, that when it came to Adam nothing was beneath me.
“But he would recognith your car in a heartbeat,” Tammy suggested. “I’ll do it. I’ll borrow my dadth truck. Adam dothn’t know what my dad driveth.”
“Great. You’re right, Adam doesn’t know what your dad drives. But then again, Adam is always at their little love nest,” I said thinking aloud. “So Eric couldn’t just show up on the doorstep and commence to seducing her.”
“It needs to be an accidental meeting of some sort.” Teri absentmindedly spooned a tiny portion of whipped cream from the calorie-laden dish into her mouth. The second spoon contained what could only be referred to as a dollop of whipped cream and included a cherry. The third scoop of her spoon dug to the bottom of the Pyrex dish like she was digging for oil. She closed her eyes for a second moaning seductively and savoring the sweetness that, until that very moment, had been an all but nonexistent flavor in her diet.
Oh, no, no, no! Not a good sign! Tammy, Mallory and I exchanged troubled glances. Sugar was Teri’s sworn enemy and if her mind hadn’t been racing a mile a minute toward Adam’s anticipated downfall, it would have never reached her luscious, silicone-injected lips.