by Kitty Margo
“It’s the truth. The men at work tell him how stupid he is on a daily basis for choosing her over you. His excuse is that he can’t help himself. Chia is like a drug.”
“It sounds like he might benefit from a 28 day program at Ho Anonymous.”
“It sure does.” He chuckled. “Anyway, I just thought you might feel better if you knew that Chia wasn’t being faithful to him.
“Thanks for calling, Justin. It really did help.”
He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “There is something else I guess I should tell you.”
I couldn’t think of a single thing he could say to cause more pain than I was already feeling. “Just tell me, Justin.”
“Adam and Chia’s wedding is Sunday at the Catholic Church.”
Wedding?
Adam and Chia?
No! It couldn’t be so! Breathe Eve! Just breathe! I gasped in an effort to force air into my lungs as a vision of Faith Hill singing the song flashed through my mind and I struggled to obey her. Adam couldn’t be marrying…someone else. I had convinced myself that Chia was just a heart-wrenching phase that would pass and he would soon come to his senses and realize he loved me. “Thanks for calling, Justin.” I almost strangled on the words as they fell from numb lips. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay, Eve, bye. And don’t be a stranger. Call me if you ever need to talk.”
“I will, Justin.”
I took a trembling breath, once again willing myself to carry on with this torment called life. Hanging up the phone, for the first time in many moons, I took a long hard look at what my life had become and falling back on the bed covered my flaming face with a pillow. A travesty! That’s what it was. My life was one humongous travesty. I wasn’t living each and every day to the fullest. Hell, I wasn’t living at all. I was merely existing, and struggling from one completely horrific day to the next. And I was in serious danger of sinking. No! A thousand times, no!
For crying out loud! Adam was a flesh and blood man! Not some deity with the power to dictate my moods on a daily basis! I was so much better than this mewling, sniveling creature I had evolved into over the last few months! Adam didn’t have the power to control my emotions. He wasn’t doing anything to me! I was doing it! Forget the bastard! For God’s sake! Get a fucking life!
I hung up with Justin and immediately dialed Teri’s number. “I’ll have my suitcase packed and ready to go.” I tried to sound cheery, though the catch in my throat was a good indicator that my wound was still gaping open and spilling blood, and even to me my voice sounded an octave above normal.
“What brought on the sudden change?” I caught the sudden note of alarm in her voice.
“Nothing, I just decided to go. After all, it’s my birthday and it’s not everyday that one hits the marvelous mid century mark. Oprah swears life begins at 50.”
“You’re lying, Eve.”
The girl knew me too well.
“Cut the bullshit and just tell me what happened.”
“Sunday is Adam and Chia’s wedding day! Okay!” The dam finally burst and I sobbed uncontrollably as those seven words lodged in my throat like a sideways fish bone.
“It will be okay, honey. We’ll have a blast at the beach and you know how men hang on you the minute you walk through the door at Studebakers. Remember that one man…”
“Hush, Teri. Don’t prattle on like you need to talk me out of puncturing an artery or something. Granted, I lost it for a few minutes. But, I’m okay now, really. I just needed a good cry. I decided to go to the beach because I don’t care to be in town for the celebration. I wouldn’t want to accidentally ride by the church and see Chia in her wedding dress.” I had a heartrending vision of her in her bridal finery, posing on the steps of the church for her official bridal portrait. “She will be a stunning bride.”
“Stunned is more like it. How long do you think it will be before Adam has his first affair?”
“Not long.” I swiped at a tear as the thought almost caused me to smile for the second time in a day. I would be doing stand up comedy if the merriment continued.
Friday morning we piled into the Jeep, the only one of our vehicles with enough trunk space to hold Teri’s outrageous amount of luggage. She had one each for her designer wardrobe, designer shoes, and cosmetics and hair care products. “Must you pack like you’re leaving for an extended cruise around the world?” I snapped, trying to squeeze my one suitcase in.
“I never know which outfit I’ll want to wear, so of course I bring several to choose from.”
“Of course.”
“Then just imagine my distress if I arrived at the hotel and found that I didn’t bring a matching pair of Jimmy Choo’s for each outfit.”
“No!” I cried. “It’s simply too unfathomable to imagine!”
Then she slammed the trunk and gave me a serious go to hell look. “And drop the attitude, will you? This is supposed to be a fun weekend remember?”
“Oh, boy,” My tone dripped with sarcasm as I slid beneath the wheel. “Let’s get this party started.”
She turned around, frowned at Tammy and Mallory in the back seat and asked, “Can’t you just feel the love?”
“She’ll feel better when she’s on the floor tonight doing the Electric Slide,” Mallory quipped.
“And when thum gorgeoth hunk buyth her a drink.”
“No man is going to buy her a drink with that sour puss expression on her face.” Teri insisted. “Let alone ask her sully old ass to dance.”
“Bite me, Teri.” I had to giggle. “And who are you calling old!”
“That’s better.” She was digging in her latest Dooney and Burke bag. “Here. I brought the Sound Of Music soundtrack to sing along to.”
“Oh! But no! Not hardly. Sorry, my dear, but you have been out ranked. My car. My music.” I pushed power on the stereo and Adele’s I Set Fire To The Rain filled the car. I must admit Teri’s look of abject misery thrilled me to the core.
“I knew I should have driven my own car. It’s only fair that we each play our own music in thirty minute increments.”
“Okay, Mallory,” I mouthed to Teri.
“Hey!” Mallory complained loudly from the backseat, as neither of them particularly cared for the comparison. “I heard that and I do not whine!”
“Let’s vote on it then,” I stated democratically. “Raise your hand to cast your vote to listen to The Hills Are Alive during our two and one half hour trek to the beach.” Not even a finger twitched.
“Okay, fine!” Teri complained loudly, throwing the CD back in her purse. “There is just no accounting for taste!”
I was feeling rather smug over my small victory until she started singing, “Happy birthday to you! How old are you?”
“Remember, Teri. I don’t get mad, I get even.” Then the strangest thing happened. I actually laughed out loud for the first time in months! It felt so good! I opened the window and sunroof and Mallory, Tammy and I joined Adele and sang I set fiiiiiiiiiiire to the rain and watched it burn!
After we had driven for about an hour Teri, of the weak bladder, insisted that we stop for what she referred to as a twinkle break. “I need a Diet Pepsi and a bag of Fritos Corn Chips to snack on, anyone else want anything?”
“Yoo Hoo and Thittles.”
Teri glanced over at me with an irritated frown, exhaled a long-suffering sigh, and with that annoyed tone asked, “Okay. I know I am supposed to change the t to an s. So what exactly are Shittles?”
“No, you have to change her th to s.”
“Okay. So what in the hell are Sittles?”
“Go get the girl a Yoo Hoo and a bag of Skittles!” Tammy and Mallory were chortling and rolling in the back seat.
“Nobody bothered to inform me there was a silent K in Skittles,” she mumbled, snatching up her purse and exiting the car. Leaning her head back in the window she said, “Now that you have all had your daily dose of hilarity at my expense, would you other two heathens
care for anything?”
“Diet Pepsi and a Snicker bar,” I said.
“Mountain Dew and a Zero bar,” Mallory added.
“For crying out loud, this isn’t a frigging restaurant where you all place separate orders from the menu. Just come in and pick out what you want.” As she slammed the door and was walking off in a huff, she called over her shoulder, “I should have known you cretins wouldn’t have the decency to all ask for the same thing.”
By the time we reached the beach even Teri was singing along to Rumor Has It.
We checked into the Patricia Grand Hotel choosing a suite with an ocean view. I leaned over the balcony rail, filling my lungs with salty sea air and knew this, at long last, was where I would begin the healing process. Water, sand, the sea, and plenty of nightlife surrounded me. Adam who?
“Stop ogling all the studs from afar and get your suits on so we can gaze upon their lean, mean, hard bodies up close and personal,” Teri called from the bathroom.
I turned just in time to see her stuffing, and by stuffing I mean the same way you would a turkey, her jugs into what looked to be a bathing suit top that a woman with 32B breasts would fit comfortably in. Surely she wouldn’t go out in public wearing that. . . that. . . thing. Even the most casual observer would have to notice that the top was several cup sizes too small for her. I’m sure there were indecent exposure laws here. Good grief, would she be arrested? Would parents race to shield their innocent children’s eyes when she waltzed across the sand?
Now I knew why Teri always slowly glided when she moved. I had always assumed it was just for effect, so no one would miss her abundance of beauty. Now I realized that wasn’t the case at all. She had to move slowly. If she ever moved too fast and those things got to swinging, especially unfettered as they were now, there would be hell to pay for all concerned.
Searching for any good in the situation I was happy to notice that at least her nipples were fully covered. I was extremely grateful for that small concession on her part. I glanced over at Mallory and Tammy and they were watching the X-rated fashion extravaganza with eyes bugged out and jaws dropped as well.
“What?” Teri asked and laughed uproariously. “For the love of God, you all act like you haven’t ever seen a set of tits before!”
“We haven’t. Not like those anyway,” I cried. “I think you have scarred us for life.”
“Well, get used to them. Because I didn’t come to the beach to cover these bad girls up.”
And she didn’t cover them. Not once while we were there.
Tammy, Mallory and I put on our suits and followed her to the beach. We wouldn’t have gotten any more attention if Angelina had been hotfooting it across the sand with Brad and Shiloh in tow. Every eye was on Teri who looked spectacular in her bikini, even though the entire suit could have fit into a thimble. I was in a constant state of unrest wondering when one of her boobs was going to spill out of her top resulting in chaos on the Grand Strand. Mallory looked just as curvaceous with her ghetto booty spilling out of her bottom. Tammy and I had sensibly chosen tankinis. I had given up showing my stomach years ago.
The trio took their chairs and laid them directly under the scorching sun, while I wisely placed mine under the shade of a wide rented umbrella. I fought dreaded wrinkles on a daily basis and wasn't about to lie in the sun and invite them to march in formation across my face. Not as long as Neutrogena continued to make their wonderful tanning mouse anyway. I took a deep breath of salty air and let it out slowly. This felt so good!
“Would you look at that?” Mallory almost purred as an extremely well built black man jogged down the beach with another fellow whose very next call should be to Jenny Craig. “Look at those dreads.”
“Yes, dreadful aren’t they?” Teri shuddered.
“Hell, no!” Mallory laughed, rising to jog toward them and immediately strike up an animated conversation with the contrasting duo. The girl certainly didn’t lack for confidence. With an ass like that, who would? She waved to us, and left walking between them.
We watched her laughing and flirting outrageously with the men until they were out of sight.
“I gueth we won’t be theing her again until check out time Thunday,” Tammy said with a slight tinge of jealously. “Lucky her, I don’t the a thingle Mexican.”
“Just keep watching,” Teri said. “There isn’t a town in North Carolina that hasn’t been overrun by Mexicans. Not that that’s a bad thing,” she held up her hand suddenly remembering who she was talking to. “I’m just saying that a gaggle of them will surely happen along soon.”
Then Teri turned her evil eye to me. “What about you, Eve? Any prospects?”
“Not that I can see. Just a bunch of family men,” I said to pacify her for the moment.
“I am so glad that I’m happily married and don’t have to do the whole man hunt thing.” Teri claimed, all the while peering over her Oakley’s at a handsome man splashing in the nearby surf. Teri wasn’t known for strictly adhering to her wedding vows.
“Now that is a physique!”
“Too bad you are tho happily married,” Tammy reminded her, while looking forlornly up the beach for anyone with a hint of Latino blood.
“Tell me about it,” Teri groaned while slathering her voluptuous body with oil. “But always remember, Tammy. What happens in Myrtle Beach stays in Myrtle Beach. Anyway, it’s 2:00 now. We can lie in the sun for two more hours and then we must go to the mall.”
“Whatever for?” I asked. It would require an act of Congress for me to leave this idyllic setting and enter a crowded mall.
“Why, to get an outfit for you to wear to the club tonight, of course.” She rolled her eyes as if it should be the foremost thought on all our minds. “Eve, did you bring a single ensemble that doesn’t hang on you and resemble a muumuu?”
She had a good point. “Well no, but it doesn’t matter since I am not man hunting either.”
“Yes you are! And trust me, you are going to look the part if it kills both of us! And then we are going back to the room to color your new growth.” She lowered her sunglasses and peered over the top of them with squinted eyes. “You have at least three inches of gray going on up there, Granny. How did you miss that when you passed a mirror?
“I didn’t miss it.” Stevie Wonder couldn’t miss it. “I just really could care less about my roots.”
She removed her shades and pointedly glanced at my bikini area and said, “Thank God, you took my advice and bush hogged that briar patch before you left home.”
Tammy found this extremely funny and almost fell out of her chair laughing. When she had calmed down enough to speak she said, “There ith a gift thop on the firth floor of the hotel. I thaw thum cute thundrethth in there earlier when I went to buy a Pepthi.”
“Did she say she saw some cute sundresses in a gift shop when she went to buy a Pepsi?” Teri asked, not bothering to conceal the fact that she was asking me to translate. At my nod she enthusiastically said, “I’ll be right back.” Then she was gone, with her triple D’s bouncing.
“Why doth the alwath pretend like the dothn’t underthand me?”
“That’s just Teri. And it would take far greater minds than ours to decipher hers.” I wasn’t about to tell her that even I frequently had to repeat her words over and over in my head to interpret their meaning.
Teri returned about an hour later. “I found the perfect dress and shoes for you, along with a few things for me. You will absolutely love them!” She paused to ogle a handsome father jumping in the surf with his daughter. “Come on, let’s go color your hair. It’s a good thing I brought supplies. I was afraid you would try to prance around Myrtle Beach looking like Betty White, and I was right.”
Thank God she had thought to bring hair color supplies, which I desperately needed! But, oh boy! Would I ever be a candidate for What Not to Wear with the clothes she had chosen for me? I had no doubt that the neck would be slit to my navel and the hem would fall slightly shor
t of covering my butt cheeks. Oh well, at least my hair would be gorgeous.
We remained on the beach until 6:00, making frequent trips to the poolside bar for my all time favorite drink, Bloody Mary. By the time Mallory came sashaying back, looking flushed and satisfied, my head was spinning, I was sunburned, and my vision was slightly blurred. Tammy wasn’t feeling any pains either, so Teri drove the Jeep to the Calabash restaurant for a fabulous seafood supper.
“So spill.” Teri said to Mallory once we had filled our plates with flounder, oysters and shrimp, deviled crab and lobster from the buffet and were seated in our booth. “Did you do one or both?”
“How can you ask me something like that?” Mallory actually had the grace to blush while cracking a lobster. She dipped the succulent meat in butter and moaned in pure bliss as it touched her lips.
“I’m guessing you had plenty of practice at perfecting that moan today. Just answer the question and don’t even bother trying to play some coy debutant, because we both know you will fail miserably. Meryl Streep would have to dig deep to pull off that performance,” Teri was anxious for the juicy details and totally ignored her lobster.
Mallory threw back her head and laughed. “Both.” This she confessed with a satisfied smile. “How could I do one and not the other? You know his feelings would have been hurt.”
“Together or theparately?” Tammy inquired while sucking a raw oyster, which reminded me of nasal secretions, out of its shell with apparent relish.
“Tammy, I can’t believe you asked me that!” Mallory was deep in thought as she dug through her salad, always alert for an offending cucumber. “Do you honestly believe I would be a willing participant in a threesome?”
Teri almost choked on her unsweetened tea. “Three would just be an appetizer for you, Mallory. Just answer the damn question!”
“Fine then, if you all must live vicariously through me. We had a most entertaining threesome,” the nymphet finally admitted.
“You should have called me,” Teri deadpanned. “I could have shown you the true meaning of entertainment. Although I’m sure the heavier of the two shed copious amounts of sweat and grunted like a farm animal during his entire performance. That couldn’t have been pleasant.”