“Don’t worry, he won’t be like dad!” She rolled her eyes and pulled a ring out from her bag. It was a simple opal stone set on a silver band, a totally cliché high school promise ring.
“Alright just tell me!”
“Maverick Steele.”
FALLON
“Dane?” His eyes were glassed over and his lips parted a little in the middle.
Fuck! He’s in shock, why the hell did I tell him?
“Yeah?” He ran his hand over his face. “Fuck! I’m sorry!”
Well, this got awkward fast.
Dane’s eyes got wide. “I am here for you.” He stated very matter-of-factly.
He wrapped me in his arms again while his sense of calm melted me. I had never heard those words from anyone. Yeah, my mom and stepdad were supportive for the most part, but from a distance. Most of my former friends would have been on their computer already looking up clinics to take care of’ my ‘situation’.
“Why aren’t you running for the hills right now?”
He shoved up from the couch and started to pace around the room. “Because you need a friend right now and there’s only one other person in this room.”
“Why are you such a nice guy? How the hell hasn’t the underground swallowed you whole?”
He stopped mid-step and cocked his head to the side. “The underground?”
“That’s what I always called the rock scene, ‘the underground’.” I made finger quotes and laughed at how goofy I must have seemed to him. A smile spread on his face, even making his eyes sparkle a little.
“What?” I had no idea what could have made him smile in this situation.
He shrugged. “You laughed a little.”
Dane took his seat next to me and pulled me into his strong chest. “Look, Fallon. This whole situation doesn’t have to suck as badly as you may think it will.”
“Easy for you to say. You don’t have to be connected to a slimeball for the rest of your life.”
“Who’s the father?”
“My ex.”
“And that is…?” Dane’s eyebrow rose at me while I stared at him with my chin on his shoulder.
“Ugh. Kenneth freaking Rhodes,” I mumbled, feeling dirty just saying his name. Kenneth Rhodes had never treated me well and I could finally see it. It was liberating to know he was no good, but stifling to know I would have to do the right thing and let him choose to be a dad or not to our child.
Dane pulled back a little and had the exact reaction I was expecting. He fucking freaked like a stupid fan. Doesn’t he know that damn Kenneth Rhodes was the scum of the earth that just so happened to have more musical talent in his pinkie toe than most could ever dream of?
“Like, the front man for Lithium? The Kenne—”
I cut Dane off, “Yes. And he’s a fucking junkie who takes the stereotypical role of being a musician way too seriously.”
He just sat there with his mouth open, staring at the blank TV screen before muttering, “Fucking Kenneth Rhodes. I used to worship him, but I’ll hate him if you tell me to.”
“You don’t even know him, you don’t have to hate him. As person, he is terrible. As a musician, he’s a damn savant.”
“Are you—” Dane paused for a second, an unreadable expression on his face. His eyes looked so soft and calm but the way he was biting his bottom lip, I knew he was trying to choose his words very carefully.
“Don’t worry, Dane. You can ask me anything, I think we have stepped into a no filter conversation.”
He nodded. “Alright. Here it goes.” He took a deep breath and then spit the words out, “Are you clean?”
It took me a few seconds to understand what he was getting at. I pulled my hair up into a bun to hide that my hands were shaking because of how nervous that question made me.
“Yes,” I mumbled. I was proud of how far I had come, but there had been that one night all the shit hit the fan. Rehab hadn’t been easy; giving in six weeks ago to half a Xanax, some ecstasy, and a bottle of tequila definitely was not a good move, and it had brought me to where I was now. That was the last night Kenneth and I were together, and the last night I ever used.
“Come on, Fallon, a little won’t kill you!”
“Rhodes, don’t you get it? I said no!” I crossed my arms over my chest and turned my head away from Kenneth’s pleading eyes. “I just got out of rehab less than two months ago.” I knew I sounded whiny and childish, but I couldn’t help it. All of me wanted to give in, but I knew better. For the first time in my life, I knew how to say no and had the courage to.
“Just one last hurrah, babe.”
Kenneth grazed the top of my hand with his calloused fingers. His steamy blue eyes were lustful as he licked his lips and let his fingers trail over my knee and up my thigh, playing with the hem of my short, white mini skirt.
I shoved up from the couch to stand over the table that Kenneth was kneeling in front of and stared at the crushed up white pill on my brand new coffee table like it was the devil. It called to me like a bad dream that I couldn’t shake. It was alluring and majestic and scary. Then, as I had a million times before, I gave in. It wasn’t even that I really wanted the drugs, nor was the booze affecting my judgment too much yet. It was that I wanted to give in to him. Just one last time, I wanted to be in that world again.
The next thing I knew I was on my back, smiling up at my rock god ex-boyfriend while he tied my wrists to one side of my bedpost.
“Tighter, Rhodes. They’re not tight enough,” I growled in his ear as his hot breath panted against my bare chest. He groaned at my words and did as I asked, cinching the scarf tighter around my small wrists.
His lips were hot as they connected with my neck. “You’re so fucking hot.” His words slurred while his hardness pressed onto my throbbing clit. He bit down hard onto my shoulder as he shoved into me. Hard, fast, no passion. He groaned as my hips bucked as he slammed into my g-spot. My climax built fast from the drugs and alcohol, making every sensation feel like sheer magic and ecstasy, the drug’s name fitting the feelings perfectly.
Chapter ten
Reality Bites – five days later
DANE
I had to take a few deep breaths before knocking on Fallon’s office door. “Are you ready?”
She looked like a wreck—hair in a messy bun, eyes puffy from lack of sleep from worry and morning sickness, barely any makeup—but she was still striking. Her warm smile met me as I entered the small office.
“Yes,” she whispered, stacking a few pages next to her computer monitor. “Thanks again for this.”
I shrugged, trying to play off how stunned I was by her simple raw beauty. “It’s nothing, really.”
We made our way down to my car. Fallon slowly ran her hand over the smooth paint, turning to look at me slowly before I grabbed the door handle to help her into The Judge. “Dane?”
“Yeah?” I grabbed her shaking hand as tears welled up in her eyes.
“I’m scared.”
I nodded. “I know.”
Wrapping my arms tightly around her waist, I squeezed her to me. “I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“I’ll be there every step of the way.” I kissed the top of her head lightly, reaching behind her to open the door.
She slid into the passenger seat and I slammed the door behind her. I was probably way more nervous than I should have been about this doctor’s appointment, but I really couldn’t let her know that.
Walking into the obstetrician’s office was all too surreal. The walls were a pale pink with typical speckled gray tile. There were parenting magazines all around and random pictures of parents smiling adoringly at their newborns. All of it was unsettling, almost creepy.
“I’ll wait over here.” I pointed to an empty row of chairs while Fallon walked up to the check-in window. I glanced around the room at the few other people waiting. There was a lady who looked like she was about to pop and a couple sitting in the corner across from me.
The guy was holding his wife in his arms while she cried softly and he whispered what I assumed were words of kindness and calm to her. There was also a mom nursing her baby under a blanket close to where Fallon was talking to a nurse.
It only took one level of Angry Birds for Fallon to come back with a clipboard of paperwork to fill out. I couldn’t help but notice her hand shaking just a little as she filled in the different boxes or the tear that rolled down her cheek when she checked the box that asked about the current pregnancy.
“I’ll bring those up.” I grabbed the clipboard out of Fallon’s hand when I noticed she had finished but was just staring blankly at the page.
I rang the bell next to the window and waited for the nurse to slide the frosted glass to the side. The corners of her mouth twitched upward as she took the paperwork from me. “Well, aren’t you a sweetheart. We’ll be calling your wife up shortly.”
The comment jarred me a little but I didn’t feel the need to correct her. “Thank you,” I muttered before making my way back over to Fallon.
“Is it normal to be this nervous?”
“Yes, of course.” I took her hand in mine, drawing small circles in her palm with my thumb. “You really have nothing to be worried about. I’m here to help you with whatever you need.”
“Why?” Her eyes narrowed and her lips parted a little.
“Because you deserve it.”
“There’s more. There’s something else. What is it? Is this about your sister?”
All I could do was close my eyes and nod. Talking about it was too painful; thinking about my family being ripped away from me in one moment had almost killed me once, and speaking about the accident would threaten all the progress I had made.
“Miss Dunbar?” A soft voice broke through the nightmare playing in my mind.
“Yes.” Fallon gathered her purse, her sweater, and the pamphlets she had collected from the coffee table in front of us.
“We’re ready for you.” The lady waved her over to the door to the rooms; Fallon turned back and glanced at me before frowning and turning back to the nurse.
“The father is welcome to come along.” The nurse pursed her lips while keeping a warm, cheery look on her face.
I stood and walked over, putting my hand on Fallon’s shoulder. “I’d be more than happy to come back there with you.”
Staring down at her shoes, she put her hand on mine. “That’d be great.”
I waited while they drew blood, talked to her about the intimate details of her missed period, discussed the last time she had sex, and did a timeline of how far along the baby was. Finally they ushered us into a private room.
“The doctor will be in shortly. Make yourselves comfortable.” Handing Fallon a cloth hospital gown and a folded papery sheet, the nurse instructed, “Put the gown on, open to the front, and drape this over your lap. The doctor will need to do a pelvic exam before the intrauterine ultrasound.” The nurse shut the door quietly, leaving us in stale awkwardness.
“Dunbar?” The sound of the nurse calling Fallon’s real last name rang over and over in my head.
“Yeah. I am legally still Fallon Dunbar, so I have to fill out medical crap with my real name.”
“Ah.” I slouched into the rolling chair in the corner, not knowing what else to do.
FALLON
“Well, this is mortifying.” I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought about this before I had Dane come into the room with me. Of course the doctor would have to do an exam, and of course I was going to have to get naked in front of him, and not in a good way.
“Do you want me to go back to the waiting room?”
Dane sat in the corner, barely looking at me. I knew there was something on his mind and this was a really hard situation for him too, but for much different reasons. I wished I knew the story; I wished I really knew Dane. He was like a mysterious rock star angel that had been sent for me just in the nick of time.
“No, stay. Even though this isn’t how I pictured you seeing me naked for the first time, it’s nice to have the company. Besides, the nurse who was taking my vitals in the hall said that we’d be able to see the heartbeat today. I don’t think I can go through that alone.”
He walked up and kissed me on the forehead while wrapping his strong, tattooed arms around me. “You pictured yourself undressing for me already?” He laughed a little as he spoke, lightening the mood, which I appreciated a lot.
I nodded into his chest before reaching up and kissing his soft lips briefly.
“I’ll turn around, you let me know when you’re covered up, and then I’ll sit right next to you.”
The thin gown draped over my shoulders, barely covering my boobs as I lay on the table feeling completely exposed, just waiting for the freaking doctor. Dane wheeled over next to me and gripped my hand.
“Are you at least a little excited?” he whispered before brushing the back of my hand with his lips.
I nodded as a smile and a tear slid down my face. “I really am excited. Scared shitless that I’ll screw this kid’s life up, but really excited to try to be the best mom I can be.”
Dane’s eyes softened at the corners as he pursed his lips into a small smile. “I think you’re going to be an amazing mom, Fallon.”
There was a small tap on the door as a blue-haired woman came through; I couldn’t really believe my eyes. Most of the time when people refer to ‘blue hair’ they mean gray and old age, but my doctor was only a few years older than me with bright, electric, actual blue hair in one of the cutest short bobs I had ever seen. She had dark olive skin and piercing ice blue eyes. She was only a few inches taller than me, the perfect mix of fit and curvy. She was way too hot to be a doctor; she looked more like a freaking model or a front woman for a band. And then it hit me: she was the lead singer of a band I had met a few years back while in Buffalo doing a charity tribute concert for John Lennon’s birthday.
“Molly? From Wicked Cadence?” My eyes were wide as I took in her features and tried not to sound completely baffled.
She blushed. “Have we met?” She stared down at my chart and her eyes got wide. “What the hell?”
I nodded, “Feel like you’ve seen a ghost?” I tried to not chuckle, failing miserably.
“Well, your secret is safe with me. We all have a past, just look at me!” She motioned to the name stitched into her white coat.
“I had no idea you were a freaking doctor!”
“Yeah, after medical school and all the residency bullshit, I thought music was my true calling. Needless to say, I was wrong. The band is doing well. Silvia Roland took my spot.”
“That’s great.” It was nice to see someone I knew from my old life coming out of the shadows and succeeding. It gave me hope.
Dane cleared his throat. “Oh, sorry. Molly, this is Dane.”
She leaned over me to shake his hand. “You’re one lucky son of a bitch to be having a kid with this chick. She’s as badass as they come.” We all laughed a little. “Well, I am sure dad is really excited to see baby’s first photo, so let’s get to it, shall we?”
“Sure,” I choked out nervously. It was making me overly comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time that Dane was fitting into his part so well, and that I enjoyed him playing house with me for the afternoon so much.
The monitor started to show black, gray, and white, until a lima bean-looking orb was visible.
“That’s the baby. Just about six weeks.” The smile slowly started to fade from Molly’s face as she continued to move the wand around.
“Is everything ok?” Dane’s voice was low and shaky as he squeezed my hand.
“Fallon, I can’t find the heartbeat.”
I felt the air being ripped from my lungs and bile creeping up my throat while my eyes watered from the deep pain of it all. A baby that I wasn’t sure I wanted was dead inside me. The sheer depth of my feelings of selfishness and uncontrollable vulnerability destroyed me on the spot. I shook and screamed out whi
le Molly offered her condolences and Dane rocked me in his arms. I was no longer present; I was falling faster and faster down a rabbit hole of self-loathing and distress.
Molly’s voice broke into my mind, “Fallon, this is much more typical than you realize. You did nothing wrong.”
“How can you say that? There’s a dead baby inside me!”
“Yes, sweetheart, I know. But your body is already starting to show signs of a miscarriage. This will pass like a heavy period, and in the next couple of months, you’ll be able to try again if you want.”
She handed me a pamphlet on early pregnancy miscarriage and her card with a number scribbled on it. “This is my cell number. Please call me if you need anything.”
I took the papers and watched her walk out of the room.
Chapter eleven
Mending – just about 3 weeks later
DANE
“Just say yes, Juliet,” I whispered as I walked up behind Fallon as she stood in front of the broken copy machine, about to kick it again and muttering obscenities under her breath.
She turned with an eyebrow raised and tired eyes. “What?”
“You’re the one who called me Romeo first. But will you come tonight?”
“Dane, I told you, I don’t know.” Her weight shifted as a small smile pulled on her lips.
“But, you want to?”
She nodded. “Yeah, but I don’t know if I am up for it.”
I grabbed her hand, squeezing gently. “Let me take you out, get your mind off all this bullshit.”
She sighed, staring at our interlocked fingers, but stayed quiet.
“Look, I have a surprise for you. You’ve barely talked to me in weeks, ever since the doctor’s appointment. I get it, you needed space and all that shit, but it’s time for you to smile again. It’ll just be us. Please?”
“I don’t… I just don’t think I can.” She slowly bit her lip ring, grabbing the papers from the copy machine.
“What if I told you I’ve missed you?” I cringed at how honest those words were. I had never felt so drawn to a woman before; I hated how vulnerable it made me and how mushy I got when it came to her.
The Hysterics Page 6