When Richard Davidson, at the University of Wisconsin, first began studying compassion, it was with Tibetan monks who were long-term meditators. The monks were told they were to wear a cap on their heads, and this cap would be embedded with innumerable electroencephalogram (EEG) electrodes to measure their compassion. When the monks heard this, they all began laughing. The researchers thought it was because the cap looked funny, with all the electrodes, each connected to a long trailing wire so that the cap resembled a wild wig. The laughter of the monks wasn’t because of the cap, as the scientists thought. The researchers had it all wrong. A monk finally explained what they had found so funny. “Everyone knows,” he said, “compassion doesn’t arise from the brain. It comes from the heart.”
Research shows the heart to be an organ of intelligence, with its own profound influence not only from our brain but on our brain, our emotions, our reasoning, and our choices. Rather than passively waiting for instructions from the brain, the heart not only thinks for itself but sends out signals to the rest of the body. The part of the vagus nerve that arises in the brainstem and that has immense innervation in the heart and other organs is part of the autonomic nervous system (ANS).
The pattern of heart rhythms known as heart rate variability (HRV) is a reflection of our inner emotional state and is influenced by the ANS. In times of stress or fear, the vagus nerve tone decreases and there is a predominance of expression of that part of the ANS called the sympathetic nervous system (SNS).
The SNS is associated with a very primitive part of our nervous system designed to respond to threat or fear by increasing blood pressure and heart rate as well as decreasing heart rate variability. Conversely, when one is calm, open, and relaxed, the tone of the vagus nerve is increased and the expression of the parasympathetic nervous system (PSNS) predominates. The PSNS stimulates our rest-and-digest response, while SNS stimulates the fight-or-flight response. By measuring HRV, researchers are able to analyze how the heart and nervous system respond to stress and emotions. Feelings of love and compassion are associated with an increase in HRV, and when we feel insecurity, anger, or frustration, our HRV decreases, becoming more smooth and regular. Many people get this confused because it would seem logical that with an increase in stress and heart rate, our HRV should become chaotic, irregular, and highly variable. And, vice versa, when the HRV is steadiest is when we should be the most calm and relaxed. HRV, however, is just the opposite of what we expect.
Interestingly, one of the greatest causes of sudden cardiac death is lack of heart rate variability—a result of chronic arousal to threat and decreased vagal nerve tone. Stress, anxiety, chronic fear, negative thinking can all cause blood to pound into the heart with extra force. It’s the body’s equivalent of screaming “Fire!” in a crowded theater. Over and over again. Eventually, somebody is going to get trampled.
Ruth was helping me form new neural connections in my brain. It was my first experience with neuroplasticity, well before the term was commonly used. In fact, although American psychologist William James first presented the theory over 120 years ago, it wasn’t until the later part of the twentieth century that it became understood that neuroplasticity was even possible. Not only was Ruth training me to change my brain by creating new neural circuits but she was also training me to regulate the tone of my vagus nerve and, by doing so, affect both my emotional state and my heart rate and blood pressure. With only an intuitive sense of the effect of what she was teaching me and knowing none of the physiology behind the magic, she was making me more focused and attentive, calmer, boosting my immune system, lowering my stress, and even lowering my blood pressure. My mother asked me one day if I was using drugs. To that point, I had never done so. I was terrified of alcohol and drugs. By this time my mother had attempted suicide with drugs several times. She told me I seemed much calmer and happier. She told me I didn’t seem as on edge. Ruth was improving my ability to regulate my emotions, increasing my empathy, my social connectedness, and making me more optimistic. She changed how I perceived myself and how I perceived the world.
And that changed absolutely everything.
• • •
THE BEST and most skilled magicians know how to control the attention of an audience, manipulate its memories, and influence its choices without the audience having a clue this is what’s going on. By teaching me to relax my body and tame my thoughts, Ruth was guiding me in learning how to control my own attention. She was teaching me to perform the greatest magic trick of all time, an illusion bigger than anything Houdini could pull off, and in front of a really skeptical audience known to heckle at will—my own mind.
By learning to observe my thoughts, I was learning to separate myself from them. At least, that’s what Ruth told me. At the time I was not quite sure I understood it all. Still, even with Ruth and her tricks, I couldn’t see my life changing all that much. I still lived in a small apartment in a part of town that no one volunteered to live in. I was still poor. I had few friends and a social life that did not exist. And although I knew my parents loved me, my life remained dysfunctional and chaotic. At that time, it seemed that if you were born rich you had it made. If you were born poor, you were like the sucker brought up onto the hypnotist’s stage who gets mesmerized into believing he’s a bird. No matter how many times he flaps his wings, people are only going to laugh and he’s never going to really fly. I tried to open my heart. I tried my best to recite my affirmations. But in my mind I was still the poor kid, living in a small apartment, who was often hungry for food and for love.
I had a story about who I was and what my future held. I wasn’t ready yet to see my wounds as gifts. But I was ready for Ruth to teach me her last trick. She had been teaching me every day for five weeks, and we only had a week left before she went back to Ohio.
“Jim,” Ruth began, “I know that some of what I’ve told you, you don’t think really has done anything. I want you to know that it has. Far beyond what you can realize at this moment.”
I nodded and tried to interrupt her to tell her that it had done a lot, but she didn’t let me speak.
“We don’t have much time left together, Jim. In the time we have left, I’m going to teach you the greatest magic I know. But you must absolutely listen to everything I tell you. Everything. The reason this is so important is because, unlike everything else we have spent so much time on, this last thing has the power to give you everything you think you want. Unfortunately, because it can give you everything you think you want, it can be dangerous. You need to understand that what you think you want isn’t always what’s best for you and others. You need to open your heart to learn what you want before you use this magic, otherwise if you don’t really know what you want and you get what you think you want, you’re going to end up getting what you don’t want.”
Huh? Say again?
At the time, I hadn’t the least understanding of what she was telling me. I only heard “It will get you anything you want.”
Finally I was ready. I knew this was going to be the magic trick that changed my life like Ruth promised. I had tried to get her to start on the last trick earlier. I kept telling her my heart was open and let’s get on with it and start right away, but she always just shook her head at me.
“Jim,” she warned, “you can’t skip opening your heart. It’s the most important part. Trust me. Promise me you’ll always do this first, before this last thing I am going to show you. I know you think of what I teach you as tricks. And perhaps in some ways they are magic tricks. But also please remember such tricks have power. If you don’t take what I am saying seriously, there will be a huge price to pay. Learn this from me now, and you won’t have to learn it the hard way later.”
“I promise.” I would have promised Ruth anything to learn her last trick. Open heart or not, it didn’t really matter. I already knew exactly what I wanted.
Exactly.
I wish I had lis
tened more carefully. I wish I had learned at twelve to lead with a heart that’s wide-open—to others and to the world. What pain could I have prevented? How different would my life lessons have been? What relationships might have worked out that ultimately didn’t? Would I have been a better husband? A better father? A better physician? Would I have gone so brashly through the first half of my life demanding my due? What choices would I have made differently? It’s hard to say. I believe we learn what we are meant to learn, and some of us are simply meant to learn things the hard way. Ruth tried to help me as best she could. She taught me to stand up for myself and to not let others determine my value, my worth, or my potential. She tried to save me from causing my own suffering. But I was young, and I was hungry, and when she showed me how to train my mind she opened up the whole world to me, and I attacked it like it was the enemy. There’s no way I could have known then what I know now, because if I had, I would have truly opened my heart first. The head is powerful, but it can only get us what we really want if we open our heart first.
Experiencing pain can be a gift if one learns from the pain. But when one needlessly causes pain and suffering, not only to oneself but to others, it is neither ennobling nor fair to those who are sharing the path with you. Ruth taught me some very powerful magic, and I could have saved myself, and many others, from a lot of pain and suffering if I had paid more attention to what Ruth was saying that day.
But I was barely a teenager, and paying attention was something I had only just begun to learn.
Ruth’s Trick #3
Opening the Heart
Relax your body completely (Ruth’s Trick #1).
Once relaxed, focus on your breathing and try to empty your mind completely of all thoughts.
When thoughts arise, guide your attention back to your breath.
Continue to breathe in and out, completely emptying your mind.
Now think of the person in your life who has given you unconditional love. Unconditional love is not perfect love or love without hurt and pain. It just means that someone loved you selflessly once or for a time. If you can’t think of anyone who loved you unconditionally, you can think of someone in your life to whom you have given unconditional love.
Sit with the feeling of warmth and contentment that unconditional love brings, while you slowly breathe in and out. Feel the power of unconditional love and how you feel accepted and cared for even with all your flaws and imperfections.
Think of someone you care for and, with intent, extend unconditional love to that person. Understand that the gift you are giving him is the same gift that someone gave to you and will make others feel cared for and protected.
As you are giving that same unconditional love to one you care for, think again how you feel when you have been given unconditional love and acceptance.
Again reflect on how it feels to be cared for, protected, and loved regardless of your flaws and imperfections and think of a person whom you know but have neutral feelings for. Now with intention extend the same unconditional love to her. As you are embracing that person with love, wish her a happy life with as little suffering as possible. Hold that person in your heart and see her future. See her happiness. Let yourself be bathed in that warm feeling.
Now think of someone with whom you have had a difficult relationship or for whom you have negative feelings. Understand that oftentimes one’s actions are a manifestation of one’s pain. See them as yourself. A flawed, imperfect being who at times struggles and makes mistakes. Think of the person in your own life who gave you unconditional love. Reflect on how that love and acceptance impacted you. Now give that same unconditional love to that person who is difficult or for whom you have negative feelings.
See everyone you meet as a flawed imperfect being just like you who has made mistakes, taken wrong turns, and at times has hurt others, yet who is struggling and deserves love. With intention, give others unconditional love. In your mind bathe them with love, warmth, and acceptance. It does not matter what their response is.
What matters is that you have an open heart. An open heart connects with others, and that changes everything.
*You can visit intothemagicshop.com to listen to an audio version of this exercise.
FIVE
Three Wishes
My summer was ending with Ruth’s promise to teach me the greatest, most powerful, most secret, and life-changing magic trick of all time. I still did not understand what the trick would be, but I imagined that I would become the greatest conjurer the stage had ever seen. Most magicians made doves appear out of a scarf or rabbits from a hat or a fan of cards out of thin air. The trickiest magicians could conjure themselves—magically appearing from out of nowhere onto the middle of the stage. My summer hadn’t started out with a whole lot of hope or anything to look forward to, but like a genie who comes out of a bottle and grants three wishes, Ruth was going to tell me how to conjure anything I wanted.
This was the last week Ruth would be here, and it seemed as if the six weeks had both lasted a lifetime and also gone by in a flash. Six weeks to learn four tricks seemed like a long time, but Ruth told me it often takes people years to learn and master this kind of magic and that I would have to continue to practice and make it a habit over my lifetime. While I came to the magic shop as often as I could, we would continue to practice the tricks each day until I had gotten them. Only then would Ruth agree to move on to the next trick.
I tried not to think about what I would do when she was gone or how I would spend the few remaining days of summer. Thinking about starting school left me feeling anxious. Every time I started to worry, I would practice my breathing and relax my body. Ruth told me that worry was a waste of time, but I still felt worried about school, about my mom, about my dad, about whether we would get evicted come the first of September when the rent was due. Things weren’t so great at home. My mom seemed to be getting more and more depressed. My dad had lost his most recent job because he went on a drinking binge and stopped showing up. Now he just sat at home smoking and watching television. He had promised me that the rent would be paid and kept telling me not to worry, but his promises didn’t mean much. I was worried. I was worried we would be evicted. I was worried my mom might overdose. I was worried my dad would start drinking and take what little money we had left. And I was worried for my older brother, who would go to the room we shared and cry. I couldn’t cry. I was the one who had to keep it together. I was the one who had to track my dad down in the bars and demand whatever money he hadn’t spent. I was the one who had to ride in the ambulance when the paramedics came because my mother had attempted suicide again. I was the one who had to protect my brother from the kids who made fun of him.
I walked through the door of the magic shop with the deep sigh of coming home. Neil waved to me from behind the counter. The day before, as I was leaving, he told me about a secret society for magicians. You had to be invited into it, and you had to promise never to reveal your secrets to non-magicians.
“But I will tell you one of the most important secrets,” said Neil. “You have to believe in your own magic. This is what makes a magician great. He believes the story he is telling to the audience, he believes in himself. It’s not about the illusions, or the applause, or any sleight of hand. It’s about the magician’s ability to believe in himself and his ability to have the audience believe in him. A trick is never done at the expense of the audience. Magic isn’t a hustle or a con. A real magician transports the audience to a world where anything is possible, everything is real, and the unbelievable becomes believable.”
I asked Neil why he was telling me this since I certainly wasn’t a part of any secret magic society. Yet.
“You’re going to do great magic, Jim. I know it. My mom knows it. But you have to know it. You have to really believe. That’s the most important thing, and that is the best secret of all magic secrets. Remember that tomo
rrow when you start to practice your last trick, and remember it even after my mother is gone.”
• • •
RUTH HAD LIT a large candle and placed it on a small table, more like a TV tray than a table, in the middle of the back office. I had never seen this candle before. It was a tall red glass cylinder with brown and orange swirls around the outside. The candle inside was white and set about a third of the way down inside the glass so the swirls made the flame look like it was moving and dancing. She had the lights off in the room, so it was fairly dim and seemed more mysterious than usual.
“What’s that smell?” I asked Ruth.
“Sandalwood,” she said. “Good for dreaming.”
I wondered if we were going to have a séance or if Ruth was maybe going to bring out a Ouija board. I was excited and nervous like it was my first day all over again.
“Have a seat.” Ruth smiled at me and put her hand on my shoulder. She knew I had been waiting for this trick.
She sat down across from me and just stared into my eyes for a few minutes. “Jim, tell me what you want most out of life.”
I didn’t know what to say. I knew I wanted money. Enough money so that I didn’t have to worry about anything ever again. Enough money so I could buy whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. Enough money so that people would be impressed with my success and would take me seriously. Enough money so that I would be happy and my mom wouldn’t be depressed and my dad wouldn’t need to drink.
“Be as specific as possible.”
I was a little embarrassed to say it out loud, but I did anyway. “I want a lot of money.”
Ruth smiled. “How much money? Specifically.”
Into the Magic Shop Page 8