‘Thank you,’ said Mum coolly. ‘You can keep the shoes. I’d rather feel the soil under my feet—or paws. Come on, Wallace. Let’s get the others out.’ She and Uncle Wal began to open all the dog cages.
One by one the frightened dogs slunk out, their tails between their legs.
‘Woof! Woooof, woof!’ barked Dad.
‘That’s dog for “You’re free now! Widdle on every doorpost you come to and off you go!”’ Buster explained to Prunella.
Prunella had her eyes open now. She stared at the scared dogs blinking helplessly at each other. ‘But
where will they go!’ she cried. ‘Maybe their owners sold them! Maybe they don’t have homes!’
‘Good point,’ said Mum. ‘Some of them were stolen by dognappers, just like we were. We’ll have to sniff out where those dogs live and take them home. But others don’t have homes. They’re strays.’ She smiled. ‘So they’ll just have to come home with us.’
‘That’s werewolf rule number 11: Always have enough room for a few dozen more,’ said Dad happily. ‘As long as they obey the pack leader,’ he added, showing his teeth a little. ‘That’s werewolf rule number 12!’
The dogs straightened up at that.
Mum sidled up to Aunty Flea. ‘Better get rid of the sliced corgi in the fridge,’ she whispered. ‘Might scare some of the dogs, and we don’t want any nervous messes in the middle of the kitchen floor. Besides, I’ve lost my taste for corgi. I’ve really made some good friends here. I never realised that you could be close friends with a dog before.’
‘Or a human,’ said Buster. He shot a look at Prunella and she blushed. ‘Thank you,’ he added.
Prunella blushed even harder. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘You’re my first successful case!’
‘What happened to the others?’ asked Buster.
‘There weren’t any,’ confessed Prunella.
‘Come on!’ barked Dad. ‘Time to be going. Don’t widdle yourself, woman,’ he added to Miss Snotgrass. ‘We’ll leave you all safe and sound. As long as you behave yourself!’
Miss Snotgrass nodded, too cowed to say a word. The werewolves strode out, Dad first, his tail held high, followed by Mum, wearing no shoes and Miss Snotgrass’ dress, with Aunty Paws trotting beside her. Uncle Wal and Uncle Flea came next, and lastly, Buster and Prunella, and all the dogs behind them, jumping and leaping and enjoying their freedom, and widdling on every doorpost they came to, just as their pack leader had told them to.
The startled workers peered through the doors as the dogs bounded out to freedom.
It was over.
CHAPTER 15
Partners
It was cool up on the Tower roof. The night air was sweet. The moon rose round as an orange and bright as gold.
‘Now you stretch your throat right up…’ instructed Buster, ‘then hooowwwlll!’
The sound floated down the mountain and over the trees.
‘Howl!’ Prunella copied him. The sound hiccuped a bit, then grew stronger.
Buster grinned. ‘That was pretty good for a human,’ he admitted.
‘Thanks,’ said Prunella, grinning back at him. ‘This is fun!’
‘Do you really think school will be fun, too?’ Buster asked. Dad had decided that Uncle Wal was right. The pack did need to learn how to cope in a human world. As Uncle Wal had said, if they’d known how to be human they could have gone to the police when Mum and Dad had been abducted.
And the first step for Buster in learning how to be human was to go to school. Prunella had given Mum and Aunty Paws a makeover and was teaching Dad and Uncle Flea and Uncle Wal what a well-dressed werewolf really ought to wear. And in return, they were teaching her how to track, plus the finer points of bum sniffing.
One day, thought Buster, he might even work out how to explain to Prunella how to get a sixth sense.
‘Some of school is boring,’ Prunella admitted. ‘But most of it’s okay. And you learn to understand how the world works too.’ She glanced at Buster, then quickly glanced away. ‘You know, Buster,’ she added shyly.
‘Know what?’ asked Buster, surprised. He’d never known Prunella to sound shy before. Or smell shy either! And he was pretty sure that ‘Buster’ had a capital letter!
‘You and me…we make a good team. As detectives, I mean—your tracking and my thinking. No matter how much I practise, I’ll never be as good at tracking and understanding bum smells as you.’
‘I don’t think I’ll ever be as good at human thinking as you either,’ admitted Buster. ‘You’ve had so much more experience!’
‘Well,’ Prunella looked more embarrassed than ever. ‘You don’t think you might like to, well, join my detective agency? As a partner?’
Buster grinned. ‘There’s only one thing to say to that!’ he said happily.
‘What?’ asked Prunella hopefully.
‘Hooowwwlll!’
Prunella grinned and joined in.
My Gran the Gorilla
To Niamh and Sean Courtier with lots of love
Jackie
For Mr Wombat
S.M.K.
CHAPTER 1
Dinner with Gran
The kitchen smelled of banana cake and slug vomit.
TJ grinned. Egbert must have eaten too much again. Egbert couldn’t resist Gran’s banana cake. Gran made the best banana cake in the universe. She also made pretty good baked bananas, chocolate-coated bananas, banana smoothies, banana pudding and Roast Lamb Surprise. (Mostly banana.)
Egbert waved his antennae threateningly at TJ as TJ sat down next to him at the kitchen table. ‘Banana cake mine,’ Egbert signed.
‘You’ll upchuck again,’ warned TJ.
‘Me like banana cake!’ signed Egbert.
Egbert was a rare Giant Skateboarding Slug. Skateboarding Slugs had tiny skateboards instead of slimy stomachs, which let them zap down tree trunks instead of slugging.
TJ’s sister Jane 3 had sent Egbert home to Gran while he recovered from a bad case of indigestion. Gran hadn’t been able to cure the indigestion—no-one could stop Egbert eating too much—but she had taught Egbert sign language, just like she’d taught TJ’s goldfish sign language too.
‘Geek,’ said Gran. She slipped a big slice of banana cake onto TJ’s plate, and another smaller one onto Egbert’s.
Gran had never quite got the idea that dessert was supposed to follow dinner. In Gran’s view, if you didn’t eat two helpings of banana cake you didn’t get any dinner. And now that Mum and Dad were down at a banana growers’ conference, what Gran said went!
‘Thanks Gran.’ TJ sat down at the kitchen table next to Egbert.
‘Cake cake cake!’ cried Baby Jane, leaning down as far as she could off Gran’s shoulders to grab TJ’s banana cake.
‘Geek,’ said Gran gently. She handed Baby Jane a piece of banana cake too.
‘Glub,’ said Baby Jane, her mouth full.
TJ sighed. Sisters were a nuisance. He should know. He had five of them.
Jane 1 was a vet in Sydney. Jane 2 was a lecturer in zoology in Melbourne. Jane 3 was president of the Preserve the Baby Slugs Society in Brisbane. Jane 3 said lots of people were trying to save dolphins and baby seals and it was time someone looked after baby slugs.
TJ’s fourth sister was Jane-Tarzanne, which was pretty much like TJ’s real name, Tarzan Junior. Tarzanne divided her time between Adelaide, Perth and Darwin, hunting the little known fruit box weevil. Other grubs chewed their way into apples or pears—if you ever find a grub in your fruit box you’ll know you’ve got a fruit box weevil.
And then there was Baby Jane. Baby Jane didn’t do anything much yet except fill up nappies and leave squished up banana in Gran’s hair. But at least she was out of the way up on Gran’s shoulders.
The kids’ names were Gran’s idea. Gran didn’t have much imagination with names. Mum’s name was Jane and Dad’s name was Tarzan, so as far as Gran was concerned, Tarzan and Jane were the best names in the world.
; TJ swallowed the last of his banana cake as Gran put dinner on the table—spinach quiche (with banana) with baked potatoes and bananas on the side, and lettuce and banana salad with banana dressing and a bottle of tomato sauce. Gran loved tomato sauce, especially on bananas.
‘Pass the lettuce,’ Egbert signed, waving his long eyeballs in the air.
‘Are you sure?’ asked TJ. He sniffed. ‘Smells like you upchucked again.’
‘Me want lettuce,’ signed Egbert.
‘But you’ll—’ began TJ.
Egbert’s eyeballs swivelled alarmingly. ‘Me want lettuce! You won’t give me lettuce because me slimy!’
‘I just don’t want you to upchuck!’ protested TJ. ‘It’s got nothing to do with you being slimy!’
‘TJ says me slimy!’ Egbert signed to Gran. ‘TJ a slug hater! Slug hater! Slug hater! Slug hater!’
‘I’m not a slug hater! I like slugs. Except in my bed,’ TJ added. Egbert had tried to sleep in his bed last night. Slugs were cold when you rolled over onto them in the middle of the night. And slug vomit was even worse.
‘You give me lettuce or me bite your ankle,’ threatened Egbert.
‘Slugs don’t have teeth,’ TJ pointed out. ‘Only gums.’
‘Then me gum your ankle!’ signed Egbert.
‘Geek!’ warned Gran.
‘Oh all right,’ TJ said and piled some lettuce onto Egbert’s plate. ‘But I bet he upchucks again.’
‘Also cucumber. Also tomato. Also a banana,’ signed Egbert.
TJ sighed. He added tomato and cucumber to Egbert’s plate. And a banana. ‘But you’re not sleeping in my bed again,’ he warned. ‘Not if you’re going to upchuck.’
‘You kick me out of bed, me punch you in nose,’ signed Egbert.
‘How can you punch me if you don’t have hands…’ began TJ. But what was the use? No-one could ever win an argument with a slug.
Egbert waved his eyeballs triumphantly. ‘Me have secret weapon!’ he announced, happily chomping his lettuce. ‘You better keep me happy or watch out!’
‘What secret weapon?’ demanded TJ.
Egbert ignored the question. ‘Also want tomato sauce,’ signed Egbert. ‘Me like tomato sauce!’
TJ forked up his quiche to the sound of Egbert’s slug droppings rolling under the kitchen table. Even Gran hadn’t worked out how to house-train a slug. Gran cut Baby Jane’s dinner into small pieces and passed them up to her, while Egbert slugged his way through eight lettuce leaves, half a cucumber and a banana.
No wonder Egbert had indigestion, thought TJ, as yet another slug dropping bounced under his feet.
‘Geek?’ asked Gran, offering TJ more banana cake.
TJ shook his head. ‘I’m full, thanks, Gran.’
‘Gook,’ warned Gran, showing her big yellow teeth.
‘No, really, Gran!’ said TJ. ‘I’m stuffed. I couldn’t eat another thing!’
‘Geek!’ Gran plonked Baby Jane down on the floor and slowly advanced on TJ.
‘Gran, no! Please!’
‘Gook!’
‘No! Hey, cut that out!’ yelled TJ, trying not to giggle as Gran threw him up into the air, catching him as he plummeted headfirst down into the slug droppings.
‘I’m too old for this!’ shrieked TJ.
Gran’s leathery hands threw him up towards the ceiling again. She grinned. ‘Geek! Geek! Geek!’
‘All right! I’ll eat another piece of banana cake! But just one!’
‘Gook,’ hooted Gran happily, dropping him on his seat next to Egbert.
This time there was ice cream with the banana cake, and a sprinkle of nuts. Gran loved nuts too, especially with bananas. TJ smiled, and took a big mouthful. It was great having a gorilla for a gran.
But there was just one little problem. And that little problem’s name was Linda.
CHAPTER 2
The Problem with Gran
Linda was the new girl at school. Her hair was in tiny plaits all over her head, in pink and purple and green and gold, and her shoelaces matched her hair. Linda was the coolest kid TJ had ever met.
But he bet even Linda wouldn’t understand how you could have a gorilla for a gran.
Gran was really Dad’s stepmum. Dad’s real parents had died in a plane crash in the jungle, and Dad had been brought up by Gran and her gorilla clan. Then Dad met Mum when she was on safari, and they fell in love.
So Mum and Dad came back to the little bush town of Gobbledegook to raise a family. And then one day back in the jungle, hunters shot all of Dad’s stepfamily except for Gran. She managed to stow away on a cargo ship to Australia disguised as a hairy sofa and finally, after many adventures, found her stepson.
And Gran had lived with them ever since.
Gran was the most wonderful gran in the universe,
thought TJ, but there were problems too. If anyone found out about Gran, they might make her go back to the jungle, or even a zoo—gorillas were an endangered species and people weren’t allowed to keep them as pets. No matter how friendly everyone in Gobbledegook was, TJ always felt like an outsider with a secret.
Gran wasn’t a pet! Gran was…Gran! And it would be terrible if Gran had to leave them, thought TJ, as he climbed the stairs to his bedroom. Gran wanted to live with her family, even if it was lonely for her not being able to go out and meet other people or gorillas. TJ just couldn’t imagine life without Gran.
The trouble was that most people just didn’t know how clever gorillas were. Gran wasn’t the only gorilla who could speak to humans with sign language, because she couldn’t pronounce English. Other gorillas had learnt to cook, and even use a sign language program on the computer.
Sometimes TJ wished that some of those gorillas lived in Gobbledegook too, so Gran could have a friend.
Something cold and slimy head-butted TJ’s feet. TJ looked down.
‘No!’ he said to Egbert. ‘You can’t sleep in my bed tonight.’
‘Me no want to sleep in your bed,’ signed Egbert.
‘Well, that’s all right then—’ began TJ.
‘Me want to go to school tomorrow.’
‘School!’ TJ stared at him. ‘Slugs don’t go to school! Even Skateboarding Slugs,’ he added.
‘You take me to school, or I head-butt your tummy,’ threatened Egbert.
TJ looked at Egbert’s soft, slimy head. A head butt from Egbert would be like being butted by a marshmallow, he thought. A cold, slimy marshmallow. ‘Look, why do you want to go to school?’ he demanded. ‘Even most kids don’t want to go to school!’
‘Heard you tell your Gran,’ signed Egbert. ‘School got concrete. Me can skateboard fast at school!’
‘But…’ TJ stopped as Egbert drew back his head into butting position. ‘All right! I’ll take you to school! But you’d better be ready early so I can sneak you in before anyone arrives.’
TJ could just imagine Linda’s face if he pulled a Giant Skateboarding Slug out of his school-bag.
‘Good,’ signed Egbert happily. ‘Now you get into bed. Warm sheets up for me.’
‘But you said you didn’t want to sleep in my bed,’ began TJ. But what was the use of arguing with a slug? ‘All right,’ he said reluctantly. ‘But one upchuck and you’re out of there! Okay?’
‘Wear striped pyjamas,’ ordered Egbert. ‘Me like striped pyjamas.’
TJ grinned. ‘You think my striped pyjamas are pretty cool, do you?’
‘Yes,’ signed Egbert. ‘You look like big striped slug.’
TJ pulled the striped pyjamas out of the drawer and glanced out the window. Gran was climbing the giant avocado tree to her nest at the top, with Baby Jane on her back and a
bunch of bananas and a bottle of tomato sauce in case they felt hungry in the night.
All Gran’s grandchildren slept with her when they were babies. Dad had built a railing around the nest to stop them falling out, and a roof too, to keep off the rain. TJ reckoned it was the coolest nest in the world.
And Gran was
the coolest gran too.
CHAPTER 3
School with Linda
The school noises buzzed around him as TJ opened his lunch—pigeons pecking at crusts and the little kids seeing who could scrape their shoes the loudest on the asphalt, and Egbert’s tiny skateboard whizzing in the tree above.
TJ hoped Egbert would stay out of sight till lunch was over. He’d promised he would. But how could you trust a slug?
Lunch was banana cake again, with banana sandwiches and cold banana fritters, with tomato sauce in a tiny plastic bottle.
‘Hi. Mind if I sit here?’
TJ’s heart bounced three times then rolled over. It was Linda!
‘N-n-no,’ stammered TJ, trying to remember how to breathe. Linda wanted to sit next to him! Okay, all the other kids at the tiny one-teacher Gobbledegook school were younger than he and Linda were, so she didn’t have much choice. But still!
TJ gulped. He hoped he didn’t do something dumb like sneeze banana sandwich all over her, or burp banana cake.
Today Linda’s hair was caught up in a hundred tiny pigtails. The end of every pigtail was silver, and her shoelaces were silver too. She plonked herself down next to him and peered into her lunchbox.
‘Carrot and lettuce sandwiches,’ she said. ‘And a slice
of carrot cake. What have you got?’
‘Banana sandwiches,’ said TJ.
‘Hey, sumptuous!’ said Linda.
TJ stared. ‘What’s sumptuous?’
‘It means cool!’ said Linda kindly. ‘My mum says I have a tendency to be sesquipedalian. That means someone who’s fond of long words.’
‘Oh,’ said TJ glumly. ‘Is that what it means.’ This was not going well! She was going to think him a total ding dong.
Wonderfully Wacky Families Page 7