CHAPTER 9
Trapped
TJ opened his eyes. What had happened? He’d been about to pick up the stick, he remembered. And then he’d fallen…
Someone was calling him. TJ struggled to sit up. He felt bruised all over, but at least he could sit up. He peered around at the darkness, then up at the blue brightness above his head.
‘TJ! Are you all right? TJ! Speak to me!’
Speak to her? What did she expect him to say?
‘Uh…hi,’ said TJ feebly.
‘Hi!’ exclaimed Linda. ‘You go gallumphing down into a hole and all you can say is “Hi”?’
‘What do you want me to say then?’ asked TJ.
‘Are you okay? Have you broken anything? What are you doing down there?’
‘I’m not doing anything down here. Just sitting.’ TJ checked himself all over. ‘And I think I’m fine,’ he added.
Linda peered down at him, almost blocking the daylight. ‘I can’t see anything,’ she said. ‘There’s a sort of false floor here, a mat all covered in leaves and bark. You must have fallen through it. You know what I think this hole is?’
‘No,’ said TJ.
‘I think it’s a wombat trap! The wombat walks along all unsuspecting and it steps on the false floor and it falls down and gets trapped. What do you think?’
‘I think my bum’s sore,’ said TJ. ‘Thank goodness I landed on something soft.’
‘What?’ asked Linda.
‘My school-bag.’
There was silence up above. Then Linda said carefully, ‘Wasn’t Egbert in your school-bag?’
Egbert! TJ sat up straighter. How could he have forgotten Egbert? He pulled the school-bag from under his bum and opened it hurriedly, expecting squashed slug to ooze up around his fingers.
Instead a furious head popped out. ‘Me bruised all over! Me kick your kneecaps! Me tread on your toes!’ signed Egbert, his antennae quivering with anger.
‘Egbert!’ cried TJ. ‘Thank goodness you’re okay. I was so worried about you. He’s all right!’ he called up to Linda.
‘Me not all right! Me furious! Me got secret weapon,’ said Egbert. ‘You be sorry if me uses secret weapon!’
‘Look, I said I’m sorry,’ cried TJ. ‘It wasn’t my fault I fell on you. We’ve fallen into a wombat trap.’
Egbert peered around him. ‘Huh,’ he signed. ‘Nowhere to skateboard. No lettuce. Me have nap.’ He disappeared back into TJ’s school-bag.
‘TJ?’ It was Linda again, calling from above.
‘What?’ asked TJ.
‘Stop lazing around down there. We have to find Mr Pifflewhiskers!’
‘I’m not lazing around!’ called TJ. ‘I’m stuck down here!’
Linda sighed. ‘Well, reach up as far as you can. I’ll haul you out.’
‘I’m too heavy.’
‘Huh! I’m stronger than I look. Give me your hand.’
TJ wiped the slug slime off his fingers on his tracksuit, then reached up. He’d dreamt all week of holding hands with Linda—but not like this!
If only Gran was here! For the first time even TJ almost wished Gran wasn’t a gorilla. But she was, he thought guiltily. So it was up to him.
Linda grasped his hand in hers. It was a strong hand, thought TJ, and surprisingly muscular for a girl. He wondered if Linda did acrobatics or something.
‘When I say “jump”,’ called Linda, ‘jump!’
TJ jumped. For a second his toes lifted off the ground and he felt himself dragged up the stony wall of the trap. Then he fell back down again.
‘Again,’ ordered Linda
‘I really don’t think…’ began TJ.
‘Jump!’ yelled Linda.
TJ jumped as Linda’s hand gripped his. Higher…higher. His tracksuit pants dragged against the wall.
Then suddenly…Whump! TJ fell back.
And this time Linda fell on top of him.
CHAPTER 10
Down the Dark Muddy Hole
TJ leant back gloomily against the wall of the wombat trap. Stuck down a dark muddy hole in the ground with Linda! What could be worse?
But hang on a minute. He was trapped down a dark muddy hole in the ground with Linda! What could be better?
Well, a lot, TJ admitted to himself. He could be sitting in a café drinking a strawberry milkshake with Linda. He could be at the movies eating popcorn with Linda. He could be dancing at the school disco with Linda…
But at least it beat sitting in a dark muddy hole in the ground without Linda. In fact, he decided, it even beat drinking a milkshake, or watching a movie, or dancing at a disco without her.
Linda stirred beside him. ‘When do you think Mr Pifflewhiskers will be back?’ she whispered.
Suddenly being trapped with Linda in a dark muddy hole didn’t seem quite so wonderful. TJ gulped. ‘I don’t know,’ he said.
‘What a precarious predicament! What do you think Mr Pifflewhiskers will do when he finds us?’ whispered Linda.
‘I don’t know,’ said TJ again.
‘Maybe he’ll leave us here forever, so we can’t tell anyone about his nefarious plan,’ said Linda.
‘His what plan?’ asked TJ.
‘Nefarious,’ said Linda. ‘It means evil. Or maybe he’ll dump us out at sea so our bodies float limply in with the waves.’
‘Maybe he’ll get his elephant to tread on us,’ said TJ.
‘There isn’t any elephant!’ yelled Linda. Then she gulped. ‘Sorry about that…I’m just a bit on edge. Well, there’s no use sitting here complaining.’ Linda jumped to her feet. ‘We have to find a way out of here.’
Linda paced about the hole. ‘I wonder why they made it so deep?’ she said.
‘So the wombats can’t dig out of it, I reckon,’ said TJ. ‘Wombats are great diggers, but even they wouldn’t be able to dig their way out of here in a hurry.’
‘I suppose,’ said Linda. ‘You sure know a lot about wombats.’
‘I like animals,’ said TJ.
Linda flashed him a grin. ‘I like animals too. Now, hold out your hand.’
‘My hand?’
‘The five-digited appendage on the end of your arm,’ said Linda patiently. ‘Right. One…two…three…’
TJ blinked. One second Linda had been standing next to him. The next, she had vaulted up onto his hand as light as a bird and was standing on his shoulders.
‘Wow!’ he said. ‘How did you do that?’
‘Do what?’ came Linda’s voice way above him.
‘Get up there so fast? Do you do gymnastics or something?’
‘That? It was easy,’ said Linda. She sounded distracted. Then she sighed. ‘I still can’t reach the top.’
A second later she was down on the ground again. ‘Bother,’ she said. ‘Now what?’
TJ shook his head. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Stairs!’ decided Linda. ‘We each grab a stone—yes, here’s one—and dig out stairs.’
‘But that’ll take hours. Days.’ said TJ.
‘Can you think of anything else?” demanded Linda.
‘We could yell,’ said TJ.
‘What if Mr Pifflewhiskers hears us? Maybe he has accomplices too. No, stairs are safer. Come on.’
TJ found another rock, and began to dig. And dig. And dig.
But at least he was here with Linda, he thought.
‘Um…where did you live before you came here?’ he asked, just to make conversation.
‘Oh, here and there,’ said Linda. She was still concentrating on her digging.
‘Really? That’s…um…interesting.’ He kicked himself. Surely he could think of something better to say than that. ‘Um…What did your parents do?’
‘This and that,’ said Linda.
‘Oh,’ said TJ. He thought for a while then added, ‘Why did you come to Gobbledegook?’
Linda stopped digging and thought for a moment. ‘Well, my pop—that’s my Mum’s dad—really wanted a great big garden. And land around h
ere is pretty cheap.’
‘Is your pop a gardener?’ asked TJ. At last, he thought. He was making conversation.
Linda shook her head. ‘Not really.’ She began to dig again.
TJ sighed. She must think him a total dumdum! There had to be something interesting he could talk about…
TJ racked his brains. But it was no use, he thought. He was boring. There was nothing interesting about him at all!
Suddenly there was a noise up above them.
‘Shh!’ Linda motioned TJ to be quiet.
The footsteps came closer…and closer still. Someone leant down over the hole.
‘Geek?’
It was Gran.
CHAPTER 11
Gran Arrives
‘Geek?’ said Gran again. She was still wearing the wig and hat and shirt and jeans, TJ saw with relief. She must have sniffed out his tracks.
‘Gran, we’re down here!’ he yelled.
‘Geek!’ said Gran.
‘Her laryngitis is really bad, isn’t it?’ said Linda. ‘We fell down the wombat trap Mrs…er…um!’ she called up to Gran. ‘Do you think you could reach down and haul us out?’
‘Geek,’ said Gran. TJ grinned. He bet Gran had the longest, strongest arms of any gran in the world.
Gran leant down over the lip of the hole. She held her leathery hands out to TJ. He grasped them firmly, as Gran began to haul him up. Higher…higher…higher…
‘Look out!’ screamed Linda.
‘Whaa…’ began TJ. But it was too late. The edge of the hole had begun to crumble!
‘Geek!’ shrieked Gran, as she and a pile of dust and rocks slid slowly down into the wombat trap.
‘Mrs…um…er…are you okay?’ cried Linda.
‘She’s okay,’ muttered TJ, scrambling out of a pile of soil. ‘She landed on me!’
‘Geek,’ said Gran apologetically, straightening her hat. She stood up and inspected the wall where the edge had collapsed, then shook her head.
‘Yeah, it’s no use,’ said Linda. ‘I thought maybe we could scramble up that side, but it’s still too steep. We were trying to dig out steps,’ she explained to Gran. ‘At least we’ve got you now to dig too!’
‘Gook,’ agreed Gran. She grinned happily at TJ and rummaged in her handbag.
‘What have you got in there?’ asked Linda. ‘A spade? Or a mobile phone?’
‘Gook!’ announced Gran, holding something up.
It was a fresh banana cake.
Things always felt better after a piece of banana cake, TJ decided. Okay, he was stuck down a wombat trap and the wombat poachers might come along at any moment. But at least he was here with Linda and Gran, and a banana cake.
Something small and slimy stuck its head out of his school-bag. And Egbert, thought TJ. He passed Egbert a crumb of banana cake. Egbert waggled his antennae angrily. ‘Me want lettuce!’ he demanded.
‘We don’t have any lettuce, you dumb slug,’ said TJ. ‘It’s banana cake or nothing.’
‘Who are you talking to?’ asked Linda.
‘Just to Egbert,’ said TJ, then realised what he said. Normal people didn’t talk to slugs!
‘You talk to slugs?’ asked Linda.
TJ nodded. ‘Gran taught Egbert sign language,’ he explained. ‘He understands English. He just can’t speak it.’ He waited for Linda to laugh.
But Linda’s eyes just grew wide. ‘Hey really? Cool!’ she exclaimed. She stared down at Egbert in delight. ‘What’s he saying?’
‘He’s saying “you give me lettuce or me kick your bum”,’ said TJ.
‘How can a slug kick someone’s bum?’ asked Linda.
‘I don’t know,’ said TJ. ‘I don’t suppose Egbert does either.’
Linda looked at Egbert, then she looked up at Gran and TJ. ‘Can you teach sign language to any animal?’ she asked with a gleam in her eyes.
‘Geek!’ said Gran emphatically, nodding her head.
‘Gran even taught my goldfish sign language,’ TJ said proudly.
‘Really? What does it say?’
‘Not much,’ admitted TJ. ‘It just keeps saying “Here we go again; here we go again; here we go again,” as it goes round and round its bowl. But it might say something else one day,’ he added. ‘You never know.’
‘Hmm,’ Linda said, looking thoughtful. She was staring at Gran’s ankles, TJ realised in horror. Gran’s hairy ankles, poking out as her jeans rode up her leg.
‘Gran!’ he said quickly. ‘You forgot to shave your legs again.’
‘Geek?’ said Gran.
‘Old people get such hairy legs, don’t they?’ added TJ. ‘I bet your gran has hairy legs too.’
‘I don’t have a grandma,’ said Linda, still staring at Gran’s legs. ‘Just my grandpop.’ She shrugged. ‘I suppose we’d better get digging again.’
‘Geek,’ said Gran suddenly. She sniffed the air, then bent closer to Linda, still sniffing. ‘Geek geek geek!’
‘Gran, what is it?’ said TJ.
‘Geek!’ yelled Gran, jumping up and down excitedly and signing too for emphasis. ‘GEEEEEK!’
‘What’s she on about?’ asked Linda.
TJ stared at her, then stared back at Gran. ‘You can’t mean it!’ he cried.
‘Geek!’ yelled Gran again.
TJ shook his head. ‘Gran says…Gran says…’ he said.
‘What does your Gran say?’ demanded Linda.
‘She says you smell of elephant!’
CHAPTER 12
Discovery by Mr Pifflewhiskers
Linda stared at TJ. ‘Elephant?’
TJ nodded. ‘Elephant.’
Linda gave a little laugh. ‘How could I possibly smell of elephant? There are no elephants around here!’
‘Geek,’ said Gran.
‘It…it must be my talcum powder,’ said Linda. ‘My Mum gave it to me for Christmas. It must smell of elephant. I’ve never even met an elephant. I wouldn’t know an elephant if I trod on one!’
TJ stared. ‘You must have seen elephants on TV.’
‘Well, maybe on TV,’ said Linda. ‘And photos of elephants. But that’s all. There is absolutely no proof that there was ever an elephant around here.’
‘Geek,’ said Gran. She was staring at Linda.
‘But there were the elephant droppings…’ said TJ.
‘A cow with diarrhoea,’ said Linda quickly.
‘And those tracks looked like elephant…’
‘Have you ever seen an elephant track?’ asked Linda.
TJ shook his head. ‘But Gran has,’ he said.
‘Where?’ asked Linda.
‘Back in the jung—’ TJ stopped. What was he saying? If Linda realised Gran had once lived in the jungle she might put two and two together and come up with gorilla!
‘Er, no,’ he said. ‘Gran has never even seen an elephant except for on TV. Have you, Gran?’
‘Gook,’ agreed Gran slowly, her eyes still fixed on Linda.
Linda relaxed. ‘Well, there you are then,’ she said. ‘It wasn’t an elephant track at all. Just a…a…cow print that got smudged by the wind! I bet that was it.’
‘Um, yes. Probably,’ said TJ.
Something was niggling at him. It wasn’t a suspicion…just a sort of ghost of a suspicion…
Why was Linda so sure there was no elephant? Why wouldn’t she let him come to her place? What had Linda’s parents done before they came to Gobbledegook? And was it really a coincidence that her family came to town at just the same time as the wombats began to disappear?
‘Um…Linda…’ TJ began.
Suddenly Gran held up a paw for silence. ‘Geek!’ she said softly.
‘Gran, what is it?’ whispered TJ. Then he stopped.
There were footsteps up above…closer…closer. Someone peered over the collapsed edge of the hole.
Mr Pifflewhiskers!
CHAPTER 13
Discovery
‘TJ! Linda! Mrs…er…um! What on earth is going on down th
ere?’ cried Mr Pifflewhiskers. He looked around him, then rolled up his sleeves. He bent down and held out a hand.
‘Here, quickly!’ he said. ‘You have to get out of there in a hurry! You don’t realise what danger you’re in!’
‘Danger?’ yelled Linda. ‘You pernicious pedagogue! You’re the danger!’
‘Me?’ Mr Pifflewhiskers stared at her. ‘What do you mean?’ He shook his head. ‘There’s no time for that now. Mrs…um…er…Grab hold of my hand. I’ll haul you out first, then the kids. Hurry!’
Gran looked closely at Mr Pifflewhiskers. Then she nodded. She stretched up a leathery hand and grabbed the one that Mr Pifflewhiskers held down to her.
‘One…two…three…’ said Mr Pifflewhiskers. ‘Heave!’
Sweat dripped down his forehead as he tried to pull the solid weight of Gran up out of the hole. ‘Heave…ooommph!’
‘Watch out!’ yelled Linda. But it was too late. With a slither of soil and rocks Mr Pifflewhiskers shot headfirst down into the wombat trap.
‘Geek,’ said Gran. She bent down and hauled Mr Pifflewhiskers to his feet, and began to dust him off.
Mr Pifflewhiskers shook his head. ‘I’m so sorry!’ he cried. ‘You were heavier than I thought! I mean…um…I don’t mean to be insulting, Mrs…er…um…It was just…’
‘Geek,’ said Gran, nodding her head and flicking a few twigs out of his hair.
‘Er…my gran still has bad laryngitis,’ TJ said.
‘Geek,’ agreed Gran. She reached down into her handbag and offered Mr Pifflewhiskers a slice of the banana cake.
Mr Pifflewhiskers took the slice, had a bite, then blinked. ‘This is the best banana cake I’ve ever eaten!’ he exclaimed. ‘It’s even better than the one you brought to school! Thank you, Mrs…er…um…’
‘My Gran makes fantastic banana cake,’ said TJ. ‘And banana scones and banana fritters and banana cream slice and—’
‘Look,’ said Linda ‘This is no time for banana menus!’ She glared at My Pifflewhiskers. ‘It’s no use pretending!’ she said. ‘We know what you are!’
Wonderfully Wacky Families Page 10