‘Are you a juicy farm girl?’ asked Drackie politely.
The waitress stared. ‘Don’t be rude, you little brat. Now are you going to order anything to eat or will I call the manager?’
‘Er, um, no, I mean yes,’ said Drackie. Why was she so upset? ‘Can I have a big glass of camel blood, please, and a plate of blood clots.’
‘Why you…’ the waitress glared at him. ‘Right, that’s it. Out!’
Drackie blinked. What had he done? It wasn’t like he’d tried to vampirise her or anything!
‘Er, what my nephew means,’ said Auntie Chook smoothly, ‘is that we’d like three hamburgers with tomato and beetroot salad and three strawberry milkshakes as pink as you can. Please excuse him—they’ve been to a fancy dress party and he’s got a little carried away.’
The waitress smiled suddenly. ‘That’s alright. You should hear my little brother when he dresses up as Batman! Nice costumes, kids,’ she added. ‘Love the fangs. Three hamburgers, three red salads and three extra-pink milkshakes coming up.’
Drackie’s tummy rumbled happily as the waitress put the big pink drink in front of him. It was paler than any blood he’d ever drunk before. But he supposed blood was a bit different on the mainland too.
He took a sip.
‘Gleekkkk!’ he spluttered, spitting the drink out on his trousers.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked Auntie Chook.
‘The blood! It’s, it’s…’
‘It’s strawberry milk,’ said Auntie Chook calmly. ‘Not blood at all!’
‘But we’re vampires!’ wailed Drackie. ‘We drink blood!’
‘And strawberry milkshakes,’ said Auntie Chook firmly. ‘They just take a little getting used to.’
Drackie folded his arms. ‘No way!’ he announced.
Auntie Chook glanced at Cousin Snot. She poked at her milkshake doubtfully with the straw. ‘Milk doesn’t bite back, does it?’ she asked.
‘Nope,’ said Auntie Chook.
‘Or congeal in your throat so you choke?’
‘Nope,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘But if you’re too scared to drink it…’ she added.
‘I’m not scared of anything! Here goes then,’ said Cousin Snot bravely. She took a small sip of her milkshake. ‘It’s…it’s…different but it’s alright!’ she announced, surprised. ‘I didn’t drop dead or anything!’
Drackie looked at his milkshake uncertainly. It was so…so pink! And it wasn’t even starting to congeal!
But if Cousin Snot could drink pink milk, he thought, then so could he! He took a big gulp quickly, just to show her…and then another more slowly.
‘It’s…it’s delicious!’ he said bravely.
Actually it wasn’t all that good. But he felt he needed to show off a bit after wussing out before. Wow, he thought, wait till the kids back home hear that I’ve drunk a milkshake! And I didn’t even chuck it all up after! Well, not yet, he added cautiously to himself, taking another sip.
‘And three hamburgers with salad!’ The waitress slid the plates off the tray and onto the table in front of them.
‘They look delicious!’ said Drackie quickly, before Cousin Snot could show him up by eating any of it first. He lifted up a green crisp thing and examined it.
‘That’s lettuce,’ said Auntie Chook.
‘I’ve always wanted to eat a lettuce!’ said Drackie. He was really getting into the swing of it now, he thought happily. ‘Er, Auntie Chook?’
‘Yes,’ said Auntie Chook.
‘How do you vampirise a lettuce?’
CHAPTER 11
Toads
It still wasn’t a dark and stormy night as they walked back to Auntie Chook’s house. It wasn’t even really dark, with all the streetlights and car headlights. But at least Drackie’s tummy had quietened down, even with all the weird foods in it.
Suddenly Auntie Chook stopped. ‘Thunder and lightning!’ she muttered.
‘Where?’ asked Drackie hopefully.
Auntie Chook just shook her head. ‘Look at all those people,’ she breathed.
Drackie stared at the mob milling outside Auntie Chook’s gate. ‘What about them?’ he asked.
Auntie Chook sighed. ‘They aren’t supposed to be there, that’s what. This is still night time! They should be in their beds, asleep! There must be a hundred people there!
‘And toads,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘I thought vampire toads were rare as hen’s teeth—if you don’t mind me saying so!’
‘They are,’ said Auntie Chook grimly. ‘If all these are vampire toads then I’m an emu! Maybe I shouldn’t have made the reward a million dollars!’ she sighed. ‘Come on kids! We’d better get this started…’
The three of them sat behind the shabby (purple) garden table in the middle of Auntie Chook’s front lawn, while the applicants lined up two abreast with their animals. Now Drackie could see them closely he realised that most didn’t look much like vampire toads at all.
‘Nope,’ said Drackie. ‘Nope. Sorry that’s not one either. Nope. Not enough warts. Nope. Look, how can that be a vampire toad? It hasn’t even got any fangs!’
‘Yes it has,’ argued the toad’s owner, a long skinny man with a long skinny nose. ‘Little ones.’
‘Those are not fangs!’ declared Drackie.
‘Says who?’
‘Says me!’ insisted Drackie.
‘Look, kid,’ said the man. ‘If I say they’re fangs then they’re fangs! Now, where’s my million dollars?’
‘Excuse me?’ Auntie Chook tapped the man on the shoulder.
‘What is it?’ asked the man grumpily.
‘These are fangs!’ said Auntie Chook, drawing back her lips briefly. ‘Understand?’
The man gulped. ‘Um. Er. Yes, madam. Sorry, sir,’ he said quickly to Drackie. ‘Come on, Fido!’ He carried the bored toad away.
Drackie looked at the next applicant. ‘No, sorry, not a vampire toad. No, sorry, not a vampire toad. No sorry…For bat’s sake,’ he said to Cousin Snot. ‘Don’t any of these people know what a vampire toad looks like? No, sorry. No, sorry. No, those aren’t real fangs—they’re cardboard and they’ve gone all soggy anyway. No, sorry, that’s a cat! C. A. T.—cat!’
‘It’s in disguise,’ said the cat’s owner hopefully.
‘So am I,’ said Auntie Chook, showing her fangs briefly. ‘I’m in disguise as a sweet dancing teacher but any moment now I’m going to lose my temper. Next!’ she yelled.
‘That’s a cow,’ said Drackie. He waited for the owner to argue, but the girl just shrugged.
‘Worth a try. What’s the difference anyway?’
‘You try kissing a cow and see if it turns into a handsome prince!’ Cousin Snot yelled at her. ‘Next!’
The night turned into dawn. The sky turned grey, then paler still. Drackie nudged Auntie Chook. ‘It’ll be daylight soon!’ he whispered.
‘Mmm,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘No, sorry madam, if that’s a vampire toad, I’m a poodle. No, I don’t care if he did try to bite your neck when you leant over the lily pond. One chomp of the jugular doesn’t make a vampire. Next!’
‘But vampires turn to dust in daylight!’ hissed Drackie.
‘Who says?’ demanded Auntie Chook. ‘No, sir, there are no fangs on that toad at all!’
‘They fell out,’ said the owner. ‘He forgot to brush his teeth so they fell out.’
‘Next!’ roared Auntie Chook.
‘Everyone says vampires turn into dust in daylight!’ insisted Drackie.
‘Huh!’ said Auntie Chook. ‘Everyone told me I couldn’t be a vampire chicken too. But look at me now!’
‘But you’re not a chicken at the moment!’ protested Cousin Snot.
‘You know what I mean,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘Don’t worry, kids. Just think positive. Next!’
Drackie glanced at Cousin Snot. She shrugged.
How do you think positive, wondered Drackie, as the stars faded above him and the lovely moon vanished. Think positive…think positiv
e…I’m positive I’ll turn into dust as soon as that sun rises over the horizon! I’m positive I’ll…
The sun rose, a bright gold crust over the horizon. Drackie held
his breath. He looked at his hands, waiting for them to dissolve into dust fingers.
The sun rose higher, and higher still.
Nothing happened.
The sun rose still higher…
Suddenly Drackie began to feel giddy. The world shimmered in front of him. He could feel his face getting redder and redder…
‘Breathe, you idiot!’ hissed Cousin Snot.
Drackie let out the breath he hadn’t realised that he was holding. ‘Oof!’
Auntie Chook was right, he realised. Vampires could live in daylight!
‘Next!’ yelled Auntie Chook.
CHAPTER 12
A Clue
Somewhere it was a dark and stormy night, thought Drackie. On the other side of the world perhaps. But here it seemed there were just people…and more people, all hoping for a million dollars.
‘It’s a vampire!’ said the man. ‘See its fangs?’ He had red hair and gravy dribbled on his tracksuit.
Drackie stared. ‘Hey!’ he said ‘You’re right! This animal really does have fangs!’
‘Told you it was a vampire,’ said the man smugly. ‘Now, where’s my million dollars?’
‘There are only two problems,’ said Drackie.
‘What?’ demanded the man.
‘Those are plastic fangs and this is a sheep. You know, baaaa, baaaa! Not croak, croak!’
‘It’s been sick,’ said the man desperately. ‘It’s a rare disease of amphibians called Instant Sheep. Toads start growing wool then their legs get longer then…’
‘Baaa!’ said the supposed toad.
‘Next!’ yelled Drackie.
He could hardly keep his eyes open. They seemed to have been checking toads…and sheep…and cats…and even a small boy leading his baby sister on all fours with fangs made out of play dough…for hours.
‘Next!’ he yelled again.
But there was no one there.
Beside him Auntie Chook slumped with tiredness too.
Cousin Snot yawned. ‘That’s the lot!’ she said. ‘Finally! I could sleep for a week! Have you got a spare coffin in your cellar, Auntie Chook?’
‘But we can’t sleep now!’ cried Drackie. ‘We have to save Fang! Maybe…maybe the toad thieves haven’t read the paper yet! Maybe…’
‘Pssst!’ The sound came from behind Auntie Chook’s rose bush. ‘Hey, kids, missus, you want to buy a vampire toad?’
‘Who said that?’ demanded Drackie.
‘No one,’ said the rose bush.
‘OK, where’s your vampire toad?’ said Cousin Snot.
‘Haven’t got one,’ said the rose bush.
‘But you said…’ began Drackie.
‘I know where there is one,’ said the rose bush hastily. ‘Small warty intelligent vampire toad, right? Answers to Fang?’
‘That’s him!’ cried Drackie.
‘Thought so,’ said the rose bush.
‘But why are you hiding?’ demanded Cousin Snot.
‘Easy to see you’ve never met the International Society of Toad Thieves!’ said the rose bush. ‘They’d turn me into toad food if they knew I was giving them away.’
‘Please!’ said Drackie. ‘Just tell me where Fang is!’
‘Certainly,’ said the rose bush. ‘Just give me half a million dollars and I’ll give you the address.’
‘But we don’t…’ began Drackie.
Auntie Chook nudged him. ‘No,’ she said.
The rose bush considered for a moment. ‘OK, then, three hundred thousand dollars.’
‘No,’ said Auntie Chook.
‘Fifty thousand and that’s my last offer!’ said the rose bush firmly.
Auntie Chook sighed. ‘Very well then—fifty thousand dollars. Now, where did I put my purse?’
Drackie stared at her. Fifty thousand dollars! She must be rich! How much did dance teachers make? How did she get so much money?
Auntie Chook stood up, feeling her pockets. ‘No, not in this one. Ah, here it is!’ she moved almost imperceptibly closer to the bush…
PVART! This PVART! was like the music in a horror film, the sort that made you shiver wondering what was coming next.
‘Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, claaaawwwk!’ went Auntie Chook. She opened her beak so her fangs gleamed and raised her wings.
‘Arrkkkk!!!!!!!!’ screamed the rose bush.
Clunk! A man with a face like a rabbit fainted onto the garden path.
Auntie Chook stared at him. ‘That’s an insult!’ she cried. ‘Fainting like that just because I turned into a chicken! I think I’m a pretty attractive chicken, don’t you, kids? No reason for him to faint at all!’
‘Didn’t you mean him to faint, Auntie Chook?’ asked Cousin Snot.
‘Certainly not,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘I was just going to smother him with my wings while you kids searched his pockets. Which reminds me, we’d better start searching for that address before he comes round again!’
CHAPTER 13
Finding a Disguise
Drackie was starting to wonder if he’d ever see a dark and stormy night again! And now not only was it not stormy, it was daylight too!
They seemed to have been on the mainland for weeks! Had they really only arrived last night?
Drackie was tired…and hungry again too.
Almost hungry enough to try another hamburger and milkshake or to vampirise a lettuce. And, actually, the juice in that tomato had tasted almost like guinea pig blood and had squelched beautifully when he sucked it out…
Drackie wrenched his mind back to the matter at hand. They had to rescue Fang…
Auntie Chook was still trying to read the grubby note they’d found in the rabbit-faced man’s pocket. ‘“A kilometre past the old lighthouse”,’ she read. ‘“Then three caves from the black rock…” You know, that’s quite a way away, kids!’
‘Well, come on!’ said Drackie impatiently. Fang needed him! And the sooner they rescued Fang, he thought a little bit guiltily, the sooner he could have a proper meal, like goat’s blood and cat juice washed down with a big glass of thick camel blood, maybe, and then…
‘Just how do you think we’re going to get there?’ demanded Auntie Chook.
‘Easy!’ said Drackie. ‘You turn into a chicken and fly us there! That’s what Mum and Dad do! They turn into bats and as long as I’m touching them I can fly too!’
‘That’s right,’ agreed Cousin Snot. ‘Drackie can hold onto one wing and I’ll hold onto the other.’
‘There are just two problems,’ said Auntie Chook.
‘What?’ asked Drackie.
‘Chooks might have wings, but they’re not very good at flying! I forgot to check that out before I decided to change into one,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘I can stay up in the air OK but I’m all flap and no speed!’
‘Oh,’ said Drackie. ‘What’s the second problem?’
‘What do you think the humans are going to say if they see a giant chicken flying through the sky with a pair of kid-sized vampires holding on?’
‘Oh,’ said Drackie again.
‘Mmm.’ Cousin Snot looked thoughtful. Then she grinned. ‘I’ve got an idea!’ she said.
‘Uh-oh,’ said Drackie.
Cousin Snot ignored him. ‘It’s easy!’ she said. ‘All we have to do is disguise ourselves!’
‘How do you disguise a flying vampire chicken with two vampire kids trailing behind her?’ demanded Drackie.
‘Simple! What do humans expect to see flying?’ she asked Auntie Chook.
Auntie Chook frowned. ‘Um…pigeons…but there’s no way I could disguise myself as a pigeon. Their feathers are too boring! Pigeons are smaller than chickens too,’ she added.
‘What else?’ demanded Cousin Snot.
‘How about a flying carpet!’ suggested Drackie eagerly. ‘I
once read a book about kids on a flying carpet.’
‘That’s just a story,’ said Cousin Snot scornfully. ‘This is real life! How about a dragon?’ she asked Auntie Chook. ‘Could you disguise yourself as a dragon?’
Auntie Chook shook her head. ‘Dragons are about as common as flying carpets these days. People might notice a dragon. There are aeroplanes of course…’
‘See! Easy!’ cried Cousin Snot. ‘We’ll just build an aeroplane and Auntie Chook can fly it!’
‘Um,’ said Drackie. Somehow he suspected that building an aeroplane wasn’t going to be as easy as Cousin Snot thought. ‘How about a cloud?’ he suggested suddenly. ‘They move through the air!’
‘Yes!’ cried Cousin Snot. ‘How simple is that! We can disguise ourselves as a cloud! Auntie Chook can do the flying and we’ll hang on…and we’ll be there in no time! Um, how do you disguise yourself as a cloud?’ she asked Auntie Chook.
Auntie Chook grinned. ‘I think we start at the supermarket,’ she said.
Drackie pushed the supermarket trolley while Auntie Chook and Cousin Snot chose the things they needed for the disguise.
Supermarkets were bewildering, he decided. All those strange things with weird names, such as pasta and bread, and foods like bananas and oranges. He wondered if you could vampirise a banana?
‘Right,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘Twenty metres of cotton wool, ten jars of glue. That should do it. Come on, Drackie, stop staring!’
‘What? Oh yes…’ Drackie stopped gazing at the tomato sauce. Just for a moment he thought they were bottles of camel’s blood. A wave of homesickness swept through him. Back home he’d be tucked up into his own little coffin, with Fang plopped on his feet…
Fang! This was all for Fang! Drackie pushed the trolley hurriedly after Auntie Chook and Cousin Snot.
CHAPTER 14
To the Rescue
For once Drackie was really glad it wasn’t a dark and stormy night. If it had been raining, the cotton wool cloud would have gone all heavy and droopy and the stormy wind would have made it hard to fly.
Wonderfully Wacky Families Page 15