“Wow… that was the time you came home all dark from the sun, bitten up by bugs with scratches all over,” Jean put in.
“Yeah, I hate the sand,” Nick admitted.
“You didn’t like the Iranian gunboat much either, Sir,” Sonny said to much laughter.
“I wish we could get into a pirate adventure,” Jean said. “They have all kinds of knives in the galley aboard the cruise ship. Sonny and I could help kill pirates once we found some well balanced knives.”
“Jean!” Jean ducked behind a smiling Sonny as Rachel tried to reach her but gave up with an exasperated sigh.
* * *
“Having John here makes it really nice,” Cassie told Nick and Gus. “We had a huge shipment delivered, including the new novel, and a supply of your past Diego adventures. It would be a big help to me if John can bring out any and all novels a fan in line wants signed.”
“I would be thrilled to do it,” John replied. “This bookstore is marvelous. I look forward to helping in any way I can with the book signing. I am not yet a character in the novel like Gus.”
“Sure you are,” Gus said. “You’re the terrorist Diego tortures and kills on page eight of ‘Assassin’s Folly’.”
John’s brow furrowed momentarily in confusion until he saw Nick, Gus, and Cassie lose their straight faced reaction in favor of snorting amusement with Gus pointing at his friend. “I get it. Pick on the newbie day, huh? Do not forget I have all of Tina’s sharp witted retorts in my memory banks concerning your character Jed, including how close Nick came to making him gay.”
“There’s no need to go nuclear on my butt over a small zinger,” Gus objected to more amused enjoyment. “Go get me a coffee… black, newbie.”
“Sure Gus, I have to go to the bathroom anyway. I will stop there with your coffee on the way back.”
“Cancel the coffee.”
“You guys will be a riot together,” Cassie said. “I hope we don’t get a bunch of hecklers today. Your novels are skyrocketing. I’d like to keep them that way without any added controversy.”
“I resent that,” Nick said. “My confrontations with Book Killers and Grammar Nazi’s have even been mentioned in the Times. It’s all in good fun. I promise with the security Harvard Bookstore has for these events, any goofy BK’s thinking of getting too vocal will chill out once they get to the signing table.”
“I’m good with all of it as long as we hold it to a one on one discussion rather than a riot. The one BK you nailed really well had to be escorted out. It was harmless but I’d rather it didn’t get any worse than that.”
“We may not even see a BK or Grammar Nazi today. If we do, I’m certain it will be entertaining rather than violent. I’m glad the weather’s nice. The line is wrapped all the way around the building and down the block. We’ll have some nonstop fun today. Can’t we just get started, Cass?”
“I’ll check. Take your places, gentlemen. Start your engines. We’re going to sell a lot of books today.”
Cassie left them to speak with the manager. Moments later, the line of fans began shuffling in, guided by two security guards. The first woman in line caught Nick’s attention right away. She wore the pinched expression he often saw on Rachel’s features when his wife objected to something Nick had done. Middle thirties with brown hair tied tightly in a bun at the back of her neck, her bright azure eyes glared at Nick without breaking contact for a moment. He judged her height to be near five and a half feet tall, carrying possibly twenty pounds past what all the calorie counters thought of as a healthy weight. Her navy blue dress with matching shoes seemed stark in compliance with her attitude.
“Uh oh,” Nick whispered to Gus. “Batter up.”
Gus nudged John seated next to him. “Live one in front.”
“Yes! I am blessed,” John whispered with enthusiasm. “I thought with what Muerto said to Cassie we might miss the excitement. Which do you think, BK or Grammar Nazi?”
“Nazi,” Gus whispered back. “Guaranteed. Remember, don’t react. Keep a straight interested expression planted on your face.”
“Understood.” John leaned forward in his chair with more excitement than he exhibited the day before when executing the terrorist drivers.
The woman marched with authority into the signing area, plunking a new hardbound copy of ‘Assassin’s Folly’ on the table in front of Nick. The novel had four markers inside its pages. “You are a disgrace! It makes one wonder how anyone like you can call yourself a writer. Did you ever attend an English class or is English your second language?”
Some of the people in line were already muttering with amusement as the woman ranted through her first paragraph of greeting. Her fierceness over something annoying her in the book hushed the crowd. Nick smiled with good natured enjoyment. He had not expected to actually get an unhappy reader as his first person to be greeted.
“Hello to you, Ms. Why don’t we start with what’s bothering you. I see you have four markers in the novel. Did you find something offensive in there?”
“Yes! Bad grammar. You’re supposed to be a professional writer. When I heard you would be doing a book signing, I couldn’t believe my luck.”
“I’m beginning to wonder at my luck too,” Nick replied. He made a quick instantaneous guess because he had seen it mentioned in a few of his grammar Nazi reviews on Amazon. He particularly enjoyed the critiques so he took a chance. “Please tell me. Where have I went wrong in there?”
Nick grinned as the woman’s face twisted into an angry mask, warring between shock and fury. She jabbed a finger so close to his face the security guard at the head of the line moved to stand near her. “That’s it, you dolt! Don’t you know what you’ve just done?!”
Nick turned to Gus questioningly. “I’m trying to get to the bottom of this, Gus. Where could I have went with this confrontation to make it better?”
“Are you insane? Think about it, big shot! Went is the past tense of to go! Gone is the past participle of to go! It would be ‘where could I have gone with this conversation’ you moron!”
Nick stood, making calming gestures with his hands. “Easy… easy does it. I’m sorry. I was having a little fun. So your point is I’ve made the went/gone error four times in ‘Assassin’s Folly’?”
The woman’s arms crossed in triumphant form. “Exactly. I can’t understand when a professional writer writes a novel for public consumption, why he or she skips over basic tenets of grammar. It’s an absolute travesty that these errors were missed by you and the big shot publisher’s editing department.”
“First, let me apologize for not writing a story so engrossing as to get you past any small typos or grammar mistakes. As to my editor who is a very thorough and rugged sentinel of good grammar, she and I have an agreement not to sweat the small stuff. If you’ll notice, I did these errors in dialogue.” Nick bent over, paging through the book’s markers, showing the woman who became more and more annoyed as Nick pointed out each error in character interaction. “I have an understanding that I can write dialogue the way I hear people speak. That is in her defense why these were not changed. In my own defense, I thought gone sounded harsh in the instance and not the way I’ve heard it spoken, so I went with went.”
The finger pointing became physical as the woman poked into Nick with her finger while he shook off the approaching security guard with a smile. “You didn’t like the sound of the proper application so you use the wrong grammatical word in its place? That is obscene! You should be ashamed of yourself!”
“I would simply remind you ‘Assassin’s Folly’ was over a hundred twenty thousand words. That’s a lot to get so upset over four of the words. Thank you for your gracious input, Ms. Now, would you like your book signed or my head on a platter. I can provide the first but not the second.”
Nick’s banter had the crowded line chuckling. It did nothing to curb the woman’s insulted sensibilities. The woman spun on the crowd as if she were a reincarnation of the ancient Greek Gorgon
from mythology and could turn her fellow bookstore inhabitants into stone.
“Don’t you people believe in good literature?! This sets a horrible example to our youth!”
A woman older than the woman critic who was second in line spoke in a thick Boston accent before anyone else could. “Actually, I love the stories. I didn’t even notice what you’re pointing out. Nick’s Diego stories are so good I forget where I am sometimes. Why not either let him sign your book and get over yourself or get the hell out of the way?”
The went/gone woman gasped at the dressing down, and the subsequent loudly expressed agreement from the other people in line. She turned, grabbed her book off the table and marched out to appreciative applause.
“I guess it’s a good thing we started early today, folks,” Nick said. “Welcome everyone.”
Nick sat down and signed the lady’s book who loved his stories, exchanging smiles and normal greetings.
“May I talk to Gus for a moment,” the woman asked.
“Certainly,” Nick answered. “The ancient mariner would be happy to converse with you. Right, Gus?”
“Absolutely. Come over here so Hemingway will have room to sign the next book. This is our very good friend, John Groves.”
The lady shook John’s hand. “I have a fifty-one foot catamaran, Gus. Do you have much experience with them? I mean… have you sailed them in waters like the Caribbean?”
“I have indeed. You can sail a cat or beach it without damage or have it fall over.”
Chapter Nine
Bad BK and Assassin Awareness
Nick listened to the conversation in between signings and more normal question and answer sessions with reader fans, glad Gus and John were with him. Since the manager kept track of the number of people while gauging the average number Nick handled in an hour, he asked if Nick could continue the signing until 7 pm. Nick agreed without reservation. Except for very short bathroom breaks, Nick kept signing and conversing without stopping. Nearing the five o’clock hour, Gus noticed a man with helter-skelter dark hair and wispy beard.
“Hey Nick, I like the ragamuffin for a BK. I’m alerting John.”
Nick watched the guy’s uncomfortable posturing while turning sharply in either direction as if being bumped around by unseen forces. His low rider jeans, blue t-shirt, and black vest complete with weirdly strapped sandals completed a look Nick could not place. Then in the middle of his perusal of the man’s figure, the man stared straight at him with malevolent hatred.
“Oh yeah. Nice pick up, Gus. John should get a kick out of this one. I wonder which one he is. I have a few recent BK’s he could fit into my perception of them easily.”
“It’s getting late in the day. You’d think a BK would try to be first in line like the grammar Nazi,” Gus whispered unobtrusively.
Nick finished the next person amiably before answering. “Unless he’s not concerned about ruining the book signing. He might be one of the drive-by one star hitters I’ve told you about. No one can figure why they do it, but the Amazon Marketplace has more than a few. They’ll pick an author or product and do a one star hit piece on it even though they don’t know anything about the book or the product, hence my term drive-by. They shoot one star hit pieces indiscriminately strictly because they can. I bet he’s one of them which will be fun.”
“If you say so,” Gus replied as the next person began a lively conversation about Diego’s love life which allowed Nick to preview the plot involving Fatima in the new novel ‘Dark Interlude’ much to the fan’s delight.
The woman in front of the wispy bearded suspected BK talked to Nick about breaking into the writing field. The blonde, trim looking middle sixties lady affably described her fascination with writing for a few moments. “I’d love to try writing but I wouldn’t know where to start.”
“My advice after you’ve researched the template for writing, and learned the writing tools in whatever software program you’re comfortable with, is write what you love to read. I bet you’ve lived a full life with myriad humorous and interesting encounters. Use them all in your fiction. Start with short stories and see how you like it. If you plan to write for any other purpose than you enjoy creating stories then you’ll probably need to rethink your fascination with writing. It’s pure drudgery unless what you create at the keyboard makes you laugh, tear up, your heart pound, and at times pump a fist in the air.”
“Thanks, Nick. I like that advice. I’ll try what you suggest. I’ve been around the block and have been in many situations that would evoke the feelings you describe. I’m going home and make some notes. Thanks again.”
“Anytime. I always answer my e-mail so contact me if you’d like. The address is at the end of every novel.”
“You’re serious?”
“Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I will take you up on that, Nick. Bye.”
“Good luck with your writing,” Nick replied, smiling at the scowling man being allowed to approach. “Hello, Sir. I see you have ‘Assassin’s Folly’.”
The man glanced down at the book as if surprised he had it. He quickly returned his gaze to Nick with more vitriol than Nick could remember seeing in a human being’s features with the exception of the male members of the Kader family. Nick stayed quiet, waiting for the man to speak.
“You have a lot of nerve giving someone advice on writing!”
When the man didn’t speak again, Nick smiled. “Thank you.”
“It wasn’t a compliment you idiot!”
Nick heard Gus and John stifling enjoyment of the odd man’s opening remarks. “Okay. Would you like me to sign your book?”
“No! I want you to know there is no excuse for the kind of violence depicted in your novels. I don’t care what kind of straw man you build to be whacked by those private detectives in your novels, there can never be a reason for vigilante justice. Writing like yours will influence some whack job into taking the law into their own hands!”
Nick clasped his hands in front of him on the table. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding, Sir. You may be at the wrong book signing. I don’t have private detectives in my Diego novels. My main character is an assassin.”
“Uh… what does that matter? The violence in your novels is over the top gore, inviting the wrong element in our society to use firearms that should be banned!”
Nick looked over at Gus and John. “I know this guy. He’s been doing one star hit pieces on my novels, but hasn’t read any of them. He doesn’t even take the time to read the blurb or the preview. He’s hilarious.” Nick stood and extended his hand. “You’re Lokus. It’s good to meet you. I’ve laughed my butt off at some of your reviews. Thanks for coming. I have to say though, if you’re going to do drive-by one star hit pieces, you should at least read the ‘Look Inside’ preview Amazon offers so you don’t get the characters confused from other novels you’re doing book killings on.”
Lokus appeared shocked for a second at Nick recognizing his avatar on the Amazon marketplace. He ignored Nick’s hand, his features settling into original form. “Fuck you, McCarty! You don’t know me. It’s my duty to flush out pulp garbage poisoning our society!”
Nick lowered his hand and shrugged. “Nice. How’s that workin’ out for you?”
The people within hearing distance, including the security guards chuckled at Nick’s rejoinder. Lokus’s hands tightened into fists. He took a step toward Nick as if to take a swing. Nick straightened, shaking his head.
“For shame, Lokus… for shame. You are contemplating violence. How can you be the beacon of peace and harmony with such hatred in your heart? For shame.”
Lokus appeared ready to explode through the roof of the building. His posture did not go unnoticed by the security guards. Two of them moved in next to him.
“If you want the book you have signed please give it to Mr. McCarty for a signature and then move along, Sir,” the older security guard with Chesney on his nametag told the man. “Otherwise, we’l
l have to escort you out.”
Lokus threw the book on the floor which garnered him a two hand grip on both arms as he was guided away. He twisted toward Nick. “This isn’t over! You’ll be sorry!”
Nick clapped his hands. “Let’s all give Lokus a round of applause. What a good sport.”
The people in line clapped and enjoyed the frog march of Lokus as he continued his shouted threats all the way to the door.
“It just wouldn’t be a McCarty book signing without a couple of special enthusiastic critics. Don’t worry. If any of you want to blast me for any reason about the novels, believe me, you won’t hurt my feelings. I will try to answer any and all criticisms politely. I only ask that you have read the book you wish to blast me on. Let’s get ‘er done.”
The rest of the signing, which at Lokus’s appearance had Cassie at the parameter of the signing with worried looks and wringing hands, progressed the rest of the way without incident. The signing finished only fifteen minutes late. No one was turned away. Cassie joined the Unholy Trio as they gathered their personal belongings.
“That was fabulous, Nick! We did very well and only one real heckler. I don’t count the first lady because she was right.”
“I know that and I wasn’t making fun of her. I thought she might lecture us for an hour. That’s cruel and unusual punishment. I’ll call today a win and we’ll be back day after tomorrow, same time, same station. Do you have any plans for dinner? You can eat with us. We’d be glad to have you, Cass.”
“No, I’m going back to New York. One of my apprentices will be here in my stead if that’s okay with you, Nick.”
“No problem. It must get boring as hell waiting around here with us all day. We can’t even get our families to do it with us. We’re going to Salem on the Ferry tomorrow morning to see all the witch stuff.”
Nightmare in Red Page 20