by Diane Adams
"Pretty sure if either of us makes Alex cry again, it'll be Jared."
"I seem to make everyone cry these days."
Wincing at his words, Stevie struggled to find a way to say the things she needed to tell him, but he didn't give her a chance.
"I'm sorry, Stevie. I've done a really bad job of… well of everything. It's so easy to forget that it's only been a few months since… since you were hurt." Clark leaned his head against hers. "You came back looking beautiful and you seemed happy. It made it easy to believe you'd left everything that happened in the past. That's what I wanted and even Alex and Jared are guilty. We wanted to believe we had the old Stevie back, and everything could be normal." Clark wrapped his arm around her shoulders, drawing her close against his side. "I've spent a lot of time the last few days thinking about things, and I realized 'old Stevie' is nothing but a mask. I called Haven Home. They thought you were in for the long haul and never expected you to leave. They're worried about you."
"They shouldn't have talked to you." Panic flooded her at the idea of Clark talking to anyone at Haven Home.
"So, are you going to sue them?" He shook his head. "I talked to a really nice woman; she had a heavy Spanish accent. Your house mother?"
"Rosa."
"That's her. She cares about you. Why did you leave?" Clark kept his arm around her shoulders and Stevie could feel the tension in his body. "You weren't ready to be home, just like you weren't ready to see your mother. If you hadn't been so stubborn and had talked to Jared first he could have told you how mentally unbalanced she is." Clark's voice was gentle and without reproach as he reminded her of her poor choices.
"I had to come home. I know they care about me, and they really want to help. I just needed… I'm not sure how to explain it." Stevie struggled to find the words. She and Clark had never talked about what happened to her. She couldn't let this chance to help him understand slip through her fingers. "What happened to me was horrible, worse than any nightmare, but this is home and so many good things are here. Leaving taught me that I couldn't run from the bad things. They are a part of me now, no matter where I go."
Stevie pressed her face briefly against Clark's shoulder, breathing in his comforting scent. "I missed you all so much it hurt." Love had drawn her back. Her mother's attack had obscured the love for a time, but hadn't erased it. "The longer I stayed gone, the more I knew I'd never really heal if I didn't come home. I'm stronger here with you and the guys. I should have called a counselor as soon as I got back, but I thought Mom could give me closure." Stevie shuddered, remembering the visit with her mother. Clark tucked her closer against him but didn't interrupt.
"I have to go back one day." Stevie felt Clark's objection in the tension of the muscle under her cheek and soothed him with a hand on his chest. She left it lying there, feeling the beat of his heart against her palm. "It's okay, I'm not ready now, but one day I will be. She's sick and it's not fair for her to be alone. Jared said he'll keep going until I can." Stevie paused again, unsure how Clark would take the rest of her news. "Mom's doctor called me the day after we were there, she recommended someone for me to talk to. I have an appointment next week." Talking to someone about the feelings she'd successfully buried for so long terrified Stevie, but she was determined. Fearing if she didn't do it now, she never would and the life she dreamed of would slip out of reach forever. She refused to give up without a fight. "What do you want, Clark?" At one time she had known the answer to that question, now she only knew what she hoped.
He pressed a kiss to her temple. "You. I want to love you and build my world around you. I want to work with you, play with you. I want—" Alex and Jared walked out onto the small back deck. Alex waved as Jared pulled him into his arms. They stood together, hips braced against the railing, Alex's arms around Jared's waist his head resting against Jared's chest. Jared pressed his face into Alex's hair. "That." Clark's voice was little more than a whisper. "I want that. And I want it with you."
"Clark." Stevie's voice wavered. She hadn't expected such an honest answer.
Clark hugged her against him. "Do you know what I'm thankful for? I'm thankful you are still here in the world. I'm thankful things weren't as bad as they could have been. If you can't love me, that's okay. I'll stick around and be your friend, you aren't getting rid of me no matter what. I love you."
And there they were again, those three words that had freaked her out so badly before, but she was more prepared for them this time. They still scared her and made her want to curl into a ball and hide. Clark hoped, dreamed, and wanted so much, Stevie wondered where he found the courage.
"I'm broken, Clark. And I'm not sure how long it's going to take to put me back together."
"I know." His voice gentle, he didn't ask more.
Stevie took a deep breath. Far worse for her than the scars marring her body was one simple fact. "I can't have babies."
Clark tightened his arm around her in a hug. "I'm so far from worrying about babies that's almost a relief. I know it's hard for you, Stevie, but seriously, I'm not hung up on it. We can always adopt a kid or two, or ten, if we decide a long time from now that's what we want."
Stevie laughed at his wary tone, and the aching loss she'd felt since she learned the extent of her internal damage eased a little. She closed her eyes and focused on the beating of his heart under her hand, searching for a drop more courage.
"My scars aren't just emotional." Every mar on her body burned when she confessed that to him. She knew every line, every gouge intimately. She wanted to be beautiful for him and she wasn't.
"You can't scare me off. I think you're beautiful." He began to sing, his voice soft in the dark.
She recognized the song he'd sung to her weeks ago, the words etched into her heart though she'd never heard it before that afternoon.
Stevie sighed. "You make it sound so simple."
"It's going to be as complicated as hell, but it will be worth it." Clark nudged her attention back to the deck as Jared's hand slid up the back of Alex's shirt.
"Oh God, Jared." Alex's breathless gasp carried clearly to them in the crisp fall air, and he lifted his face for Jared's kiss.
"One day that will be us." Clark promised hugging Stevie close.
Wrapping her arm around his waist she watched Jared and Alex disappear inside. Stevie wanted that too, the easy intimacy of an established relationship, one day. "It could be a long time."
"I'll wait." Clark's promise a balm to her sore heart, Stevie felt the pressure she'd put on herself melt away. Clark always kept his promises and he'd keep this one too.
Worth It All
Clark looked around the table while they waited for Annie and Alex to bring in the last of the dishes. Stevie sat at his right hand and Jay at his left. Xander, seldom separated from his brother, even for a meal, sat beside him. Jens' high chair was next to Jared and Kels sat between Clark's parents. Frank and Beth were there as well. Thanksgiving was the only time they all got together, and Clark was happy for the mistake that stretched their time together as an extended family to two days. He looked over the vegetables arranged attractively across the table, bacon green beans had long been banned from Thanksgiving Plus: Part One. He liked Day Two better, but, he took Stevie's hand under the table, this was good too.
"Before we eat, I want to say something," Annie announced, standing behind her chair.
Alex had just taken his seat and all eyes fixed on the lively twelve-year-old.
"I think it's sad that Grammy Ross is all alone on Thanksgiving. We should try to help her understand so she can come to dinner too. I have an idea."
Clark's gaze left his precocious daughter to fix on Alex's stunned face. Clark opened his mouth to stop her, but Alex shook his head making an 'it's okay' motion. Clark wasn't sure it was okay, but he let her continue.
"I think if we explain about how nice it is for Uncle J and A, she can stop being sad and alone. She could come to eat turkey tomorrow. That's the best day any
how."
"Annie, honey, we tried already…" Jared began with a gentle voice, but his worried gaze was on Alex.
"I know, Daddy told me, but I have an idea." She set her jaw so much like her adoptive mother, Clark barely held back his laugh.
"Tell us." Alex's voice was soft but it kept anyone else from interrupting her.
"I think the boys should make a box, like the ones Uncle J gave us, and we need to put the love in there."
Everyone looked blank.
"Are we ever going to eat?" Jay groaned.
Clark hushed him with a look. "Honey? We don't understand."
Annie sighed, her exasperation clear. "It's like Uncle J told us, about how important memories are. So we put them in our box and keep them forever. Memories are love. And if we put that in there, with pictures and stuff about being thankful, then she'll see. She won't have to be alone anymore and Uncle A can have his mom."
"Oh God," Stevie whispered, and Clark slid his chair back though he wasn't sure what to do.
They were all staring in Alex's direction. His smile wavered and he pulled Annie onto his lap, hiding his face in her hair. When he lifted his head, his cheeks were damp but there was no other sign of his tears.
"Can we eat first?" he asked.
Annie kissed his cheek. "Yes, love is better when you're full."
"Finally. Bad enough there's no meat." Xander dug into the bowl of potatoes in front of his plate.
* * * *
Janet Ross opened her door late Thanksgiving afternoon to find Clark's only daughter standing on her porch. The little girl held a wooden box in her hands; it wasn't large, but it had been sanded and polished to a soft sheen. Someone had worked very hard on it.
"Hello, dear, what do you have there? Do you want to come in?" Janet doted on Clark's children.
She had a vague idea of the miracle involved that he and Stevie let her have a part in their lives at all, considering her position on certain things. Janet didn't allow herself to dwell on her relationship with Alex. Sometimes things couldn't be changed.
Annie looked at the box. "Xander and Jay made it. It's memories. They are very important. We learned that from Uncle J. He's very nice and smart." She hesitated chewing her lip, glancing between Janet and the box.
Just as Janet started to answer her, Annie took a deep breath and plunged onward. "Daddy told me you wish Uncle A had a wife instead of Uncle J, but that's just because you don't understand. We all put things in here to help you. We want you to come to Thanksgiving Plus Part Two tomorrow. We'll have fun. It's Turkey day!" Annie shoved the box into Janet's hands and ran back to the car.
Stunned Janet watched her retreating figure, unsure what had just happened. The box seemed to weigh more than such a small thing should. She looked down at the lovely creation. Carefully carved into the lid was a single word.
Love.
Janet went back inside. She sat in her chair, the box in her lap. Fear clutched her heart. Last chance. The words whispered through her mind, though no one had said any such thing.
Her memories of the day she discovered her fears about Alex were true had never faded. She remembered every detail as if it had been yesterday. The only other memory as clear in her mind was the one of the day Jared had come to see her. Neither were stellar moments in her life, but the idea of Alex being gay, of him having sex with a man was so repugnant she hadn't been able to overcome her reaction. She saw Alex occasionally; Frank made no bones about letting her know only Jared's influence kept her son in her life. Still, she had been unable to see past her own prejudice. Gay men were immoral—everyone knew that. In a world of a fifty plus percent divorce rate between 'normal' couples, the idea that two men could build a life together should be laughable. Janet had once believed what everyone said.
Her fingers traced the word on the top of the box. Fifteen years. She missed her son.
With trembling hands she opened the lid. There wasn't much inside. A few scraps of paper, with childish scrolls and more mature writing. Each one began, 'I am most thankful for…' The twins were thankful for Uncle J's new scroll saw. Janet smiled, imagining their faces. She missed them, too. Once they had truly understood how things were between her and Alex, they had all but faded from her life.
In an adult's handwriting one paper read: baby Jens is thankful for doors. Janet wondered momentarily what that meant and set the slip aside feeling bemused. A lot of meanings could be read into a cryptic statement like that.
Doors. Open doors. She wondered if perhaps a door she'd assumed to be shut for all these years had actually been open the whole time. The idea made her breath catch, and as she read on she pondered what she'd do if it were true. Stevie and Clark were thankful for each other and their kids. The predictable nature of those answers warmed her heart in their simplicity. Kels was thankful for Pokémon, and Jared's mother, Beth, was thankful her son had found love.
Janet stared at that one, wondering if it was true. She supposed it might be. Frank certainly had no issues accepting Alex's choice of lifestyle. Frank's note said he was thankful for his family. The two of them had grown apart over the years and she wondered what he meant.
Alex and Jared's papers were last. Janet stared at Alex's 'I'm thankful for Jared's love'. Nothing less than she expected, though it didn't tear her apart inside the way it had before, it seemed a person could get used to anything given enough time. The last slip of paper was smaller than the others, but even without a signature Janet had no doubt who it belonged to, it contained a single word. 'Alex'. Written in a strong, sure hand she'd never seen before, her son's name as if it was everything, no explanation needed. She felt something tear a little in her chest and her breath hitched.
She picked up a picture and looked at it a long time. It was an older image. Alex and Jared, both so young they looked like a couple of kids. Jared's hand on Alex's face, they weren't quite kissing, but it was the expression on Jared's face that made it impossible to put the photo down. Janet wondered how it felt to be adored like that.
The other picture was more recent and the faces in it less innocent. Jared's hand rested on Alex's face, as they leaned into another near kiss. So much had changed in the second picture, their hair, the lines on their faces, but one thing remained unaltered. Captivated, despite her negative feelings about them as a couple, Janet stared at the expression on Jared's face. The man loved her son, had loved him with what appeared to be consistent devotion for years.
Janet dashed away tears she had barely realized were falling. Under the second photo was a folded note, she picked it up and opened it with shaking fingers. The sight of Alex's familiar left handed scrawl sharpened the ache in her heart.
Mom,
I know it's been a while since we talked about some important things. Annie says I should try harder, because everyone needs their mom. I think she's right. We're having Thanksgiving Plus: Day Two, tomorrow. We'd like it if you could come—there will be turkey.
Love,
Alex
And at the bottom, in neatly printed letters
Some things are hard to forgive, but for Alex, anything.
Janet sat crying in silence. Night had fallen and she didn't notice. Alone in the dark, she clutched the notes, finally calming enough to unclench her hands. She smoothed them, laying the recent picture and the shortest note of all on top. 'Alex'.
And last of all the words she shouldn't have had to be told.
"For Alex, anything."
Fifteen years were too long. Janet no longer cared what everyone said. She missed her son. Drying her tears she picked up her phone and dialed. It rang only once.
"Mom?" The cautious hope in Alex's voice broke down what remained of the wall around Janet's heart.
"Hello, Alex." She couldn't stop crying, but it didn't matter. "Tell Jens that Grammy Ross is thankful for doors too, especially open ones."
THE END
Diane Adams
Diane started writing a number of years ago but never publ
ished until Dreamspinner Press accepted Blue Skies in spring of 2010. She works a regular 9 to 5 job during the week and has the herculean task of raising three kids on her own so time to write her stories isn’t always so easy to find. She has successfully managed to squeeze a bit in here and there and loves to write, explore and develop her characters although she admits she has to be careful with characterisation (her favourite part) as she is prone to spending too much time on this and not enough on making sure things happen!
Webpage: http://dianeadams.virtualdelusions.com/
Blog: http://diane-adams.livejournal.com/
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Email: [email protected]
Also by Diane Adams at Love Lane Books
SOUTHERN COMFORT
Last First Kiss (coming November 9, 2013)
THE MAKING OF A MAN
Our December
A Place to Run
Stronger in Your Hands
Clark's Story
If the Stars Fall
A Home for Christmas (December 7, 2013)
SHADOW OF THE WOLF with RJ Scott
Shattered Secrets
Broken Memories
Splintered Lies