“Sky, relax. It’s okay, I know you’re gay.”
Skyler swallowed hard. You what? He felt his vitamins and power bar beg for projectile release. His lungs felt constricted as the universe denied him oxygen.
I can’t do this.
Yes, you can, get a grip.
Skyler managed to focus and ask out loud, “You what?”
“It’s okay, I know you’re gay. Mom and dad know, too. That was something the social worker shared with us. It’s totally okay, we’re cool with it. I like having a gay brother.”
Skyler’s brain paralyzed itself as an overwhelming number of thoughts and questions flooded his mind and drowned out his perception of the world around him. CK knew? They knew? How much do they know? Do they know why the Tinsdales kicked me out? They must know. Did Katie tell them? Why didn’t she tell me? Did I forget? Did the Tinsdales tell them? What exactly about me do they know? Do they know about Cam? Is it okay for me to be gay? Could I come out? Who did they tell? What else was said about me? Will I have to find another home? Will Katie be coming to relocate me again? Why didn’t Katie tell me this? Why was CK such a cock tease last night? What the hell was up with the skinny-dipping? Can I trust you?
Skyler reclaimed his senses and realized he was half kneeling on the ground. He felt a hand on his left shoulder.
“Sky?” CK asked.
Don’t you dare touch me!
Skyler’s fight or flight reaction triggered and his reflexes took over. He knocked CK’s hand off his shoulder with incredible force and stood up straight. He put one fist up defensively and drew the other one back, ready to strike. He locked eyes with CK and furiously yelled at him. “You jerk!”
CK’s eyes widened and his face winced with hurt surprise. He stepped back, clutching his arm where Skyler had struck him.
You deserved that.
“You knew all this shit about me and you still put me through all that…that…crazy shit last night? Dammit, CK!” Skyler felt exasperated. He screamed out loud in frustration. Don’t you cry, don’t you dare!
Tears started streaming down his face. Oh, crap, why did I just take it out on him? I don’t want to be mad at CK. Not this soon. Skyler stumbled to the curb and sat down. “Son of a bitch,” he muttered. He buried his head in his hands and started to cry as he remembered the pool the night before, and the terrifying question he had dared to ask.
* * *
“Are you gay?”
CK stared back and said, “Why do you ask?”
“You’re, um…” Skyler paused. Why did I just ask CK that? Might be the seductive porn-star pose, you idiot. Why, why, why are words escaping me? And what if he is gay? What then? What the hell could this mean for our friendship, or brotherhood, or foster-brother-thing, whatever it is we had…have?
“You’re um, different. And incredibly flirty.”
CK smiled and said, “I like nice clothes, looking good, and I’m comfortable with myself and my sexuality. I have my parents to thank for that. And I’m not shy.”
“Okay,” Skyler said. You still haven’t answered my question.
“I’m probably the gayest straight man you’ll ever meet. Maybe I am bisexual, but I haven’t experimented with other guys, and right now I don’t plan to. But I’d be lying if I said I couldn’t recognize a hot guy like you. Shit, you’ll have plenty of wanted or unwanted attention at school this fall because you’ll be the really good looking new guy.”
“Uh, thanks?”
“You’re welcome. Tracy calls me spornosexual.”
“Porno-what?”
“No, s-porno”—CK emphasized the S sound—“spornosexual. A fit guy that’s obsessed with sports, his body, looks, and sex.”
“And that’s you?” Skyler asked.
“Well, Tracy thinks it is, but I don’t. Sports, and wanting to look good, sure, but I don’t think I’m obsessed with sex…yet.”
“Fair enough.” Skyler stared at his glass and swirled the Pepsi around. “I thought the term was metrosexual? A straight guy who knows he looks good and confuses the heck out of gay guys.”
CK chuckled. “She says that sporno has replaced metro. I don’t know. Pop culture is her thing. I don’t need a Twitter to stay up to date, I have a Tracy.”
Skyler laughed. “That’s funny. So you’re not gay?”
“I don’t believe so, no.”
“Okay.”
* * *
“Dammit!” Skyler exclaimed as he sobbed on the side of the road. CK, in a bizarre way, had made it easy for Skyler to come out to him several times last night. But…I was too afraid. CK was honest with me…and I…couldn’t be honest with him. Skyler felt an arm drape around his shoulders. He looked up through his tears when he realized CK had sat next to him on the curb. Their eyes met.
“Sky, I don’t care that you’re gay,” CK said gently. Skyler noted the sincere tone in CK’s voice, revealing a new facet of CK’s otherwise aloof personality. “Better yet,” CK continued, “We don’t care that you’re gay. We knew that about you before you moved in yesterday, and we still want you in our family. Gay isn’t who you are, it’s a piece of who you are. It’s your sexuality, not your whole person.”
The words echoed in Skyler’s mind. Maybe that’s true, but sometimes it feels like it’s all of me. It was certainly enough for me to get kicked out of the Tinsdale’s. He wiped his face and looked down at curbside ground they were sitting on. The universe resupplied him with oxygen and softened his adrenaline rush. He trembled a little as he took a deep breath. I can relax. This could be okay.
Smiling, he asked CK, “What’s a Karofsky?”
CK laughed out loud and answered, “He was a bully on the television show Glee. He bullied and beat up the one of the gay guys in the show—Kurt—but then surprised him by kissing him. Turns out he was gay all along. And that’s what a lot of us think about Daren Tarquin, the guy you were just drooling over.”
Skyler burst out laughing and jokingly said, “Oh, shut up!”
“Daren can be a jerk, so be careful. He’ll hurt you.” CK squeezed Skyler’s bicep. “Well, maybe not physically. I’m sure you could take him if push came to shove. But emotionally, he beats on anyone he thinks is gay and makes life miserable for them. It sucks.”
“No one says anything?”
“Not really. Whatever gets said doesn’t seem to matter a lot, anyway.”
“That doesn’t sound right.”
“Never said it was.” CK smiled and tightened the arm he had around Skyler’s shoulders. “Sky, I’m your brother…at least, that’s how I like to think of our relationship. I’m just looking out for you. Sorry it had to be like this. I wanted you to tell me you were gay. I honestly wasn’t doing crazy shit last night to get you worked up or anything. That’s how I am, and you needed to know that. After we went swimming, I just laid there and moon-bathed a bit. Like I said, Cody and I do it all the time.”
“Moon-bathed?” Skyler said inquisitively. “That’s a new one.”
CK smiled at him and shrugged.
Skyler looked up and across the street. He let the fragrant spring air fill his lungs. Breathe. Relax. Tell him now. He turned and looked at CK and said, “CK, I’m gay.”
“All right, Sky, that’s great,” CK said, smiling. “I’m proud of you and I still like you. This doesn’t change anything between us.” Skyler nodded and wiped his eyes.
“You guys okay?” a gruff voice asked. Skyler looked up in surprise. It was the shirtless guy with the perfect chest hair.
“Hey, Daren, yeah, we’re good,” CK said.
“If you’re good, why is he sitting on the curb and crying?”
“Hey, so this really isn’t the best time, but this is Skyler. Skyler Phoenix, meet Daren Tarquin, and vice versa.”
“Hey,” Daren said, half-heartedly waving at him.
“Hi,” Skyler responded, wiping his face with the back of his hands. Oh boy, how much had he overheard? Why is he staring at me?
�
�He’s my brother now, okay? So…you know…” CK made a quit it gesture with his hands.
That’s not awkward at all.
“Ah, so this is him. Okay, fine. Just making sure you guys are okay. So, Skyler, are you gonna join cross-country?”
“Uh…” Skyler stammered.
“I’m gonna ask coach to let him come to practice. He was pretty much all-star at his old school.”
“Cool. See you around, Skyler. Bye, CK.”
“Bye,” CK echoed.
Skyler nodded and waved as Daren ran down the street. He looked back at Skyler briefly and smirked. When he was out of earshot, Skyler looked at CK. “How much do you think he heard?”
“Probably more than you want, but I wouldn’t worry about it. You could take him if you had to.”
Skyler chuckled. “Why would I need to do that?”
“Meh, like I said, he’s not always a nice a guy. You’ll see. He tends to pick on the smaller kids.”
“Figures.”
“Anyway,” CK continued, “we all wanted you to tell us because it’s what Katie said we should do, wait for you to tell us. I just, couldn’t wait. How the hell was I supposed to dance around that issue? Especially when it was so hurtful for you at your last place?”
Skyler thought about CK’s words. I don’t know why but that makes sense. “You didn’t have to be so weird about it.”
“Sorry about that,” CK apologized. He stood up and stretched his arms above his head. Skyler looked up at him. When CK turned around, Skyler asked, “It really doesn’t bother you that I’m gay?”
CK smiled. “Not at all, Sky. I think you’ll find most people around here won’t care. I’m sure there will be a few assholes at school, but, this isn’t the Tinsdale’s. And like I said, you need to know what life is like at the Kelley house. We’re fun, relaxed, and crazy.” CK extended his hand to help him up.
Skyler took CK’s hand and pulled himself up. He brushed the dirt off his butt. “Let’s finish our run, and head back to the house. I think there’s something I want to tell your parents.”
“Our parents,” CK corrected. Then he smiled wickedly, blurted out, “Race ya,” and took off sprinting down the street.
Skyler smiled and raced after him.
10 | Never Let Your Guard Down
WHEN THEY ARRIVED AT THE house, CK motioned for Skyler to follow him. As they jogged around to the back, the aroma of cooking bacon tantalized Skyler’s sense of smell. The boys climbed up the deck stairs and walked over to the patio table where Dale and Liara greeted them. Liara held her coffee mug with both hands and smiled at the boys as Dale removed crispy strips of bacon from the barbecue grill.
It’s not Saturday breakfast with Cam’s family, but…
CK shouted out a greeting to his parents as he stooped over, resting his hands on his knees to catch his breath. Skyler waved at Dale and Liara and walked around, sucking in as much oxygen as he could to recuperate from their sprint home. Sweat rolled off them both.
“Who won?” Liara asked, smiling. CK raised his left hand and pointed one finger up. “Aww, sorry Skyler,” Liara said. “Better luck next time.”
“No, no,” CK said, breathing hard. “That’s not what I meant. We’ll have to have a do-over. We got interrupted.”
“By what?” Dale asked.
“Karofsky,” CK said. Dale and Liara looked at each other quizzically. Simultaneously, they asked, “What?”
“Uh, he’s a bully on a TV show. He, uh…” CK paused and looked at Skyler, who guessed he didn’t know how to finish the sentence without outing him.
“It’s okay, CK,” Skyler said, regaining his composure from their sprint home. Standing tall, he said, “Dale, Liara, I know you know this, but I need to tell you myself. I, uh, I’m gay.” Whew. That came out way easier than I thought it would.
“Oh, Skyler,” Liara said, smiling from ear to ear. She put down her coffee mug, stood up, and walked around the table to Skyler. Taking his hands in hers, she said, “That’s wonderful. Thank you for telling us. We still love you and want you to be happy being who you are. We are so glad you are with us, and you should never feel different here.”
She said love.
Dale pointed the barbecue tongs at Skyler, and chimed in, “I second that, kiddo, one hundred percent.”
“Me too,” piped up CK, still recovering.
Skyler nodded and smiled.
She said love.
He looked over to CK, Dale, and then back to Liara, who held his sweaty hands. Rebecca had never done that. In the five years Skyler lived with the Tinsdales, he had never received the support he was given in the last twenty seconds with his new family. In that special moment, a volcano of repressed emotions bubbled up from deep within Skyler’s soul. He fought back tears and kept his eyes focused on Liara’s eyes. Liara smiled and nodded. Her eyes lovingly conveyed that everything would be okay. Skyler started trembling.
She said love.
Five years of anger, resentment, sorrow, loss, and grief Skyler had deeply buried to survive clawed and scraped at his heart, desperate to keep their hold in his life. As the source of his pain, these negative emotions had been a tangible reminder of his unresolved feelings for his deceased mother, the cancer that took her, his absent father, and recently, the people who rejected and hurt him because he was gay.
Love.
There was nothing he could do to stop it. A flood of tears and emotions erupted from his heart and soul and he began to sob. Skyler felt his knees buckle and he lost the ability to stand as his emotions took over. He felt himself collapse into someone’s arms. In his mind, sad images and memories of his sick and dying mother flew past his mind’s eye as they escaped from the depths of his being. Skyler cried violently as disjointed memories from his time with the McMahon’s and the Tinsdale’s scattered themselves among the memories of his mother. He resented them, but the resentment couldn’t keep its hold on him. He released the painful memories with his tears.
Several minutes later, as his emotions and sobs calmed, one last image of his mother entered his mind. It was not the sickly image of his mother he vividly remembered. Instead, she appeared as beautiful, full of life, and healthy. And then something amazing happened; something he decided never to question because in his mind, his beautiful mom smiled at him and told him that she loved him. He would always remember her last words in that moment: “You are free at last, my little lion man.”
Skyler’s mind began to compose itself and he felt someone’s arms around him. He wasn’t sure whose embrace he felt, but it felt good. As he wiped his eyes dry, Skyler became aware that he was lying on his side, his feet and legs on the deck. His shirtless, sweaty torso rested in someone’s lap. He heard someone else sniffle and felt water drip on his face. He opened his eyes and saw CK sitting cross-legged in front of him on the deck, his head resting in his hands. CK smiled at him and wiped his eyes. He shifted his head up and met Liara’s tender gaze. She had been crying, too. “Hi,” he said. Damn. This isn’t my usual foster family experience.
Liara brushed Skyler’s sweaty, short hair off his forehead. “That was an amazing release, Skyler. I bet you got a lot off your chest. Do you feel better?” she asked.
Skyler closed his eyes and took a moment to assess how he felt. Five years of repressed emotions were gone. He felt amazing. “I feel way better. And I feel a thousand pounds lighter.” He relaxed his entire body for a moment and exhaled. It felt good to be held by someone—by a mom. Opening his eyes again, he smiled at Liara and said, “Thanks.” He pushed himself into a sitting position and looked over at Dale, who was wiping tears from his face.
Skyler became aware of his own runny nose, and the mess his crying had created. He looked at where his face had rested on Liara’s arm and wrinkled his nose. Oh, man, that’s disgusting. “Eew,” he said, “I’m so sorry.” His nose had run all over her arm and t-shirt.
“Don’t even worry about it,” she said, handing him a box of tissues that ha
d magically materialized. He took a moment to blow his nose. Dale reached over and grabbed a tissue to blow his nose as well. Skyler guessed Dale had probably grabbed the tissues from the house.
“Do you think you could tell us what happened at the Tinsdale’s?” CK asked.
Liara shot him a worried look. “CK, I think Skyler has been through enough this weekend.”
I know you want me to talk about the past two months, but I can’t do it yet. I mean, I guess you know my worst secret, but…
“Uh, maybe in a couple of days. I’m not ready yet. I want you to hear my story from me, not from Katie or anyone else. But first,” he paused, pointing at Dale, “I need bacon!”
Everyone laughed and took their places at the patio table. They settled down and served themselves breakfast. Dale had also cooked a batch of scrambled eggs and Liara had sliced up some cantaloupe and honeydew melons. Toast, orange juice, and coffee completed the breakfast spread. The bacon tasted amazing, even if Skyler’s emotional release left it a little cool and crispy.
Without looking at anyone, Dale announced, “I think today calls for a little celebration, don’t you?” Skyler watched him stand and walk into the house. CK smiled and Liara winked at Skyler. The sound of clinking glasses drew his attention back to the doorway. Dale stepped back on to the deck with four champagne flutes interlaced between his fingers and a bottle of champagne in the other hand. He passed the glasses to Liara, who set them on the table in a neat row. As Dale uncorked the bottle, Skyler noted the seemingly rehearsed coordination. CK handed Liara the orange juice, and she poured some into each glass.
“Mimosas,” she said with a smile. “Normally, we’d serve you boys sparkling grape juice with the orange juice. But today, we’re allowing you to have one glass of champagne as a treat because this is a pretty special occasion.”
“Thanks, mom,” CK said.
“Thanks,” Skyler echoed. Maybe I should tell them something today? Maybe if they heard some of the smaller details from me now it would be easier to hear the worst stuff later? They seem to want to know, and I’m sure they already know stuff from Katie…Maybe next week. I’ve been through enough this week.
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