For Rebecca Tinsdale, I see it clearly now. She had no sense of self-worth except for what she was told was acceptable and what was not. She couldn’t make up her own mind, couldn’t think for herself, but rather completely relied on someone else to tell her what was acceptable and what was not. Even when faced with the reality of overcoming this constraint in her life, she resorted to her black and white worldview. The Moshers were the same, unknowingly twisted with your sick agenda.
And now, Hate, you are at it again, trying desperately to hurt me and keep me down by introducing new players—Daren and Annika—on to the field of my life to stunt my progress and journey toward self-acceptance…for no reason at all, except to thwart love. You tried to knock me down when my mom died. You tried to trip me up at the McMahon’s. You seemed to give me a break at the Tinsdale’s, but when I wanted to choose love, love of myself, and to be myself freely, you took the ground out from under me. But I see you now. I know your game. I’m on to you.
In what, I dunno, six or so weeks now, I’ve been treated with more dignity, more love, and more respect than I’ve ever been shown in my life. I have seen the love between Dale and Liara, the love that overcame her inability to conceive, the love that I share with my new brother CK. The love I will always cherish with Vicky, Noah, and Grace. The love I shared and cherished with Cam. The love I might share with Kalin.
So ultimately, you have failed, Hate. You won’t have power over me anymore. You won’t have power over anyone I can help. You won’t have power over people who truly love and aspire for greater things in life, but above all, aspire for self-respect, self-acceptance, and self-love. I promise you that no matter how hard you try, I will try harder. I will not let the fear of being gay ruin my life anymore. I will proudly join the Gay-Straight Alliance at school and I will be an out-and-proudie. I will help others like Tommy stand up to bullies like Daren, and who knows, one day, just to piss you off, I might befriend Daren. Wouldn’t that be something?
And so, I say to you, quoting the great Optimus Prime: “I rise, you fall.”
Love wins.
FILE (click)
SAVE AS (click)
Love Wins (typed)
SAVE (click)
* * *
Kalin arrived after dinner and the boys decided to go sit at the pool’s edge. As the sun slowly set, the solar-powered deck lighting provided a subtle illumination that otherwise might have been considered romantic. The evening air remained hot and humid, and the water felt good on their feet and legs. Skyler thought Kalin looked extra cute in some orange plaid swim trunks and a fitted blue t-shirt. Skyler himself wore blue soccer shorts and a yellow t-shirt.
Oh shit, that reminds me!
“Hang on, I’ll be right back. I totally forgot something.”
“Okay,” Kalin said.
Skyler ran into the house and up to his bedroom. He grabbed the Superman t-shirt from his desk and headed back outside to the pool’s edge and sat near Kalin again.
“I completely forgot that I got this for you, Kal-El.”
Kalin smiled. “A Superman t-shirt! That’s awesome. I’ve never had one before.” He set it in his lap and pulled off the t-shirt he was wearing.
Skyler took the opportunity to peek at Kalin’s abs. He didn’t care if Kalin noticed or not.
Kalin pulled on the Superman t-shirt and smiled. “How does it look?”
“Perfect. And you look really good in it, too,” Skyler said. Flirting much?
Kalin nodded. “Thank you, Sky.”
“You’re welcome.” Okay, Skyler. You’re ready. Here goes nothing.
Skyler changed the subject, trying to keep the levity in the air. “So, when we went kayaking, which was awesome by the way, I held back on some stuff I wasn’t ready to talk about. We talked about how I basically might have outed myself and then I officially told you I was gay. I wanted you to know there’s a really big reason why I didn’t want that to happen, but being here with the Kelleys has really helped me reset and refocus my mind to what I was planning on doing all along.”
“Okay,” Kalin said.
“I’ve been an orphan since my mom died from cancer when I was ten.”
“Right, you told me that part. I’m sorry, Sky.”
“Thanks.” Skyler paused, noticing the general calm he felt. That means this is the right decision.
Skyler told Kalin about how he cared for his mom, Julie, during the last year of her life. He told Kalin about the alcoholic and abusive McMahon’s, his first foster family, and how things went from good to bad to worse in about six months. He explained how the foster agency pulled him and the other kids out after an abusive episode. Kalin nodded as he listened, his face often expressing shock or awe.
Then he told Kalin about his years at the Tinsdale’s home and his exposure to their church life. He described some of his experiences at Christian Cornerstone Academy and explained how everyone was super-charged for Jesus because it was the cool thing to do there.
Next, he moved on to the topic of Cam, how they met and had become best friends who realized they had feelings for each other and had committed to being secret boyfriends, knowing that coming out of the closet would have been very difficult for them.
Then he explained the disastrous discovery and the nuclear-like fallout conditions that decimated their families’ lives. Finally, he shared his thoughts about why Rebecca believed having a gay kid in the family made them social or church pariahs. Then, since he refused to change for them, they decided to surrender him back to the agency.
“Seriously? What if it was Noah? Or if Grace was a lesbian?”
“I don’t even want to think about what they would do or who they would send them to. I’d like to think that if one of the kids came out, Stephen would put his foot down. But I think it took my relocation to shake him up.” Skyler told Kalin about the Prayers for Bobby movie and how he watched it with Stephen and his siblings.
Kalin looked at nothing and shook his head. “I don’t get why it was such a big deal to her. I mean, I understand the coming out process isn’t always easy, but to live through that kind of rejection…today?”
“Cam and I were terrified something horrible would happen to us if we came out. We didn’t even get a chance to do that properly. With you, your aunt broke the ice in your family, making it much easier for you to come out.”
“True.”
“You gotta remember, though, it's not only you coming out. Your family has to come out, too, and if they're not ready for it, it's going to suck, like for your grandmother. She wasn’t ready to come out to her friends, so to speak, about your Aunt Nadine. What hurts the most is that the Tinsdales weren’t even willing to try when it finally happened.”
“I hear you. Instead of trying,” Kalin offered, “the solution was to whisk Cam away and send you off—essentially avoiding the entire scenario.”
“Yeah. And I fear that Cam’s parents simply refuse to believe their son is gay. They insist he can be healed or something. I’ve seen enough to know that isn’t going to be possible.”
“Of course not.”
“That’s basically how—and why—I ended up here. CK’s family wanted to adopt and I guess it was always the plan. CK was a joyful miracle birth, but having a second child wasn’t possible. Now, I’m the brother CK never had but always wanted.”
“And CK’s really lucky to have you, Skyler.”
Skyler smiled. “Aww, thanks.”
“You still love Cam, don’t you?” Kalin asked.
Why would you ask me that?
“I could tell by the way you talked about him,” he added.
“Yeah, but, I don’t think we ever forget our first loves. He’s gone, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“It’s that easy?” Kalin asked. A note of surprise carried through his inflection.
“Of course not. But I have no choice, Kal. Believe me, getting to know you has forced me to face reality. I really like you, and I’m not go
nna lie, it was a struggle when we first met to get over myself, my fears, and Cam, but I’m in a better place now. I only want to move forward. Cam’s a part of my life and my past, and that will never go away. I’m okay with that.”
“That’s fair. I don’t think you should have to let go of him.”
“Thanks. I guess I’ll always hope that one day he realizes that he’s really okay and that it’s okay for him to be gay.”
“You seem to have gotten over that yourself. I remember how afraid you were when we went kayaking.”
“Yeah. That’s all thanks to the Kelleys and everyone else who’s helped me feel safe and reminded me that it’s okay to be who I am.”
Kalin smiled. “Well, that’s who I really like, the Skyler inside. Even I could see the hurt when I first met you. And I still liked you.”
Skyler smiled back and met Kalin’s gaze. He reached over and took Kalin’s hand in his. “You’re crazy.”
“Maybe. But I’m okay with that because you’re cute.” Kalin looked deeply into Skyler’s eyes.
Oh. I think he wants to kiss me. Speaking of kissing…
“So, um,” Skyler said, noting the charged air between them, “When you tried to kiss me after kayaking, I looked past you and saw the Plant Lady.”
Kalin backed off a bit as a confused expression crossed his face. “Who?”
Skyler chuckled. “The old lady across the street. She was watching us. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her staring at us with her hands on her hips and I had a flashback to Rebecca. It freaked me out and totally spoiled the moment for me.”
“Well,” Kalin said, looking around, “I don’t see her now.” He smiled and briefly looked down at Skyler’s lips before looking up and into his eyes.
This is so going to happen.
Finally.
Skyler blushed as he looked at Kalin’s lips and then at the reflected lighting that sparkled in his eyes. Kalin licked his lips and smiled.
Oh, man, we’re gonna kiss.
“I’m really glad you’re here,” Skyler said, his voice trembling barely above a whisper.
“Me too,” Kalin whispered back. His pupils dilated as he shifted closer and then leaned forward a little. Skyler leaned toward Kalin and tilted his head to the right. At the last second, they closed their eyes and Skyler felt the rush of his first kiss with Kalin blaze through his body as their lips came together.
21 | To Thine Own Self, Be True
THE AUGUST SUN SHONE BRIGHTLY in the sky and warmed the thick, humidity-filled afternoon air. Cicadas chirped in the distance as thunder rumbled around them, but no storm threatened to dampen their fun as the days of summer ended. Their friends had arrived at pretty much the same time, except for Tracy who arrived early and attempted to wrestle Skyler’s plan out of him. He simply smiled and told her to wait and see.
Everyone they invited had come over and the group had begun playing net-less volleyball in the pool. Skyler, Kalin, Tommy, and Cody played on one team, while Aaron, Paul, CK, and Daren played on the other. Tracy and Annika sat in lounge chairs and enjoyed the sun. Tracy did her best to hold a conversation with Annika, but instead, Tracy mostly talked with Jessica, Paul's girlfriend.
As the game wound down, Skyler's team lost by two points. Skyler high-fived his teammates, vowing to win the next round. They all climbed out of the pool to relax and enjoy the sun. CK and Cody decided to fire up the grill so they could cook some hot dogs and hamburgers for everyone to enjoy. Daren, Paul, and Aaron celebrated their victory as they toweled off.
“You didn't really think we'd lose to a team of faggots, right?” Daren asked.
Time froze as Aaron and Paul abruptly stopped toweling off and stared at him. Tommy's mouth fell open and Kalin's head snapped toward Daren. Skyler turned slowly and glared at him.
“Oh shit,” CK mumbled and Cody's shoulders sank in disbelief as his eyes grew wide with surprise. Tracy and Jessica paused their conversation and silently glared at Daren while Annika smiled smugly.
“What did you say?” Cody growled.
Skyler cut him off. “I've got this.” He stepped in front of Daren and squared off with him.
Daren regarded him with amusement and asked, “Did I piss you off, fa…?”
“Screw you, Daren,” Skyler yelled, cutting him off and pointing an angry finger at Daren’s chest. “I’m sick and tired of being picked on by bigoted assholes like you, people who smile with one side of their mouth and attack with the other.”
Daren swallowed awkwardly and his eyes narrowed.
“Yeah, I’ve been afraid to be who I am. I’ve been afraid to come out because of some pretty shitty stuff I’ve had to go through in my life and now Big Mean Daren is the icing on the cake. I’ve been afraid to come out to everyone because it’s the immature pricks like you who don’t know how to be respectful when you’re confronted with something you don’t or won’t understand. And that’s stupid. I would have stood up to you right away if I hadn’t been dealing with the crap that brought me here. But other kids who don’t have my history are probably struggling to be who they are and you’re not helping, not one single bit.” Skyler pointed emphatically at Daren as he spoke those last words.
“Like me,” Tommy said, wrapping his towel around his shoulders.
“And me, too,” Kalin said.
“My brother’s gay. And who knows, I’m probably bi,” Cody said, smirking at Annika.
“Ugh,” Annika grunted, and her face contorted with disgust.
“Wait, really?” CK asked Cody. Tracy giggled as Tommy spun around and stared at Cody incredulously.
Cody shrugged. “Strong possibility.”
“Cool,” CK said, fist-bumping his buddy.
“Doesn’t matter,” Daren sneered. “Once everyone finds out you’re a group of happy homos, they’ll cast you out. You’ll be nothing this year at school.”
“You’ve got one thing right, Daren. We’re the happiest group of happy homos at Temple High,” Kalin said.
Daren scowled as everyone else laughed with Kalin.
“We’re done. I’m done. You’re done. This is over, understand?” Skyler barked. “You have no power over me. You can’t make me be afraid to embrace my truth and be who I am. I’m gay, Daren, and I don’t care if the whole school knows, because if they’re like the people around me, it’s you who’s going to be alone, not me. You can’t out me, Daren, because I’m already out. I outed myself.”
“We’ll see about that,” Daren scoffed. Skyler sensed Daren’s uncertainty.
“Yeah, we will. Remember, there’s so much bullshit I’ve been afraid of dealing with—the fear of rejection again, the fear of not being good enough, and the sheer fear of being the queer kid who can’t get his life together—I’m not afraid of it anymore because I’m loved.”
CK walked over to Skyler and put his hand on his shoulder in support. Daren stepped back.
Okay, I guess I’m gonna go there. “You come here to my house and pretend to be nice to Tommy and me, but when we’re at track practice, you’re a bully. You’ve picked on me, you’ve picked on Tommy, and who knows who else you’ve picked on because they’re gay. But I know the truth about you. I know you’re way more afraid of facing who you are than I ever was.”
“Shut up, Phoenix,” Daren yelled. His hands balled into fists.
“No! I’m not afraid of you. You’ll never tell me what to do anymore because I refuse to let you scare me anymore. All you can do is make yourself look silly in front of everyone else.”
“Shut up, Phoenix,” Daren yelled again. Cody stepped toward them.
“No. You’ll never shut me up because for the first time in years I’ve felt true love living here. I believe true love is discovering all the things you never knew you wanted and once that happens, you'll do anything to protect it. And now, I have that in my life. I have a real family now, and I have someone I really like and want to be with. I’m not going to be afraid to be myself or be with him because of what
someone like you or some other ignorant assholes might think. I have a family who truly cares and loves me, and for the first time, I have a brother who I’ll have in my life forever. A brother by something stronger than blood…by choice.”
Skyler watched Daren’s eyes narrow and then soften. Tears swelled in his eyes and Daren fought them back, shaking a little as he did so. His face expressed defeat, hurt, and anger.
Oh, is he crying? Holy shit, he is. So, I’m right! And he knows I know.
“Babe, we should go,” Annika said, picking up her towel and beach bag. “This place has become a drag today.”
I don’t have the patience to deal with her today, too.
Daren cleared his throat and his eyes hardened over. Skyler folded his arms across his chest and stared at Daren. Daren turned and walked over to his flip-flops and slipped them on. He grabbed his shirt and towel, stuffed them into his backpack, and then slung it over his shoulders. The tension in the air thickened quickly as Daren walked toward Skyler, his hand pointing at his chest. Skyler saw tears streaming from his eyes. Daren approached and spoke softly. “Fuck you, Phoenix.” He choked on the words and his middle finger came up between them.
“Just go,” Skyler said.
Daren shifted the backpack on his shoulder and walked away. Annika barely waved goodbye as she followed Daren away from the pool party. “Party sucked anyway,” she called over her shoulder.
“What a bitch,” CK said.
“Wait,” Aaron said, his brow furled in confusion. “Daren picks on you guys because you’re gay? That’s the whole reason he’s such an ass to you guys?”
“Pretty much,” Cody said.
Aaron shook his head. “That’s so stupid.”
“Ya think?” CK chimed in. He pulled Skyler toward him and wrapped him in a big hug. “I’m proud of you,” he said softly.
Skyler breathed deeply and exhaled, letting his face rest on CK’s shoulder for a moment. He could feel CK’s hand gently stroking his back in a comforting way. I couldn’t have done it without you.
“I did it,” Skyler said.
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