Exploration

by Quinn Ward

  Over a late lunch, I mentioned my concerns about taking Frankie to The Lodge. He rolled his eyes and told me I was ridiculous. He then admitted he’d been looking forward to tonight since I first mentioned it and was eager to see if any kinks he’d never considered appealed to him. His anticipation grew as the afternoon wore on, to the point I thought about tying him to a chair with a gag in his mouth just to stop the pacing and rambling.

  I parked the car a few blocks the opposite direction from Marino’s so Frankie wouldn’t be tempted to pop in quick to see how the restaurant fared without him. I knew he worried that no one had called with a crisis and continually reminded him that was a good thing; it meant his brothers could do their jobs without him hovering. He stiffened as I reached for his hand, and I reminded myself this was all new to him and we were in the area of town where he’d grown up. People who knew his family could be lurking anywhere, and I wanted him to come out when he was ready, not because someone gossiped to his mom over coffee.

  There were a few couples ahead of us in the lobby of The Lodge. I tried listening to the spiel the host recited about rules and expectations for the night, but I was distracted by Frankie, who was fighting a losing battle with his nerves. He bounced on the balls of his feet, fidgeting with his tight black T-shirt the entire time. When he overheard the host inform a couple ahead of us that nudity tonight would be limited to above the waist, Frankie let out a sigh of relief. I moved behind my boy, holding him in my arms as I rested my chin on his shoulder so only he could hear me.

  “Relax,” I instructed him, my fingers sliding under the hem of his shirt. “No one’s going to make you do anything you’re not ready for. Tonight’s just a way for us to learn more and see if this is something we both want to try.” I shuffled him forward as the first couple finished signing some paperwork and was ushered inside. “Tonight’s about learning from people who know about the lifestyle instead of believing everything we see online. Asking questions.”

  “I know.” His body sagged against my chest. “It’s weird, because I feel like I’ve opened my eyes and I want to know more. Want to do more. But then I wonder what that says about me. What if we do something and it’s not enough? What happens if one of us realizes we can’t do this?”

  “Then we don’t do it,” I promised him. “Like I said this morning, what we have so far is enough for me. That’s why I wasn’t sure we should still come tonight.” When I first approached Frankie, I thought he was the one with skewed ideas about BDSM, but I was realizing it might’ve been me who needed a reality check. I’d been so desperate to justify what turned me on I had clung to the notion of being Dominant, but I was beginning to realize it was just another facet of who I was, not unlike being a father or a gay man.

  “Do you want to be here?” he asked as we moved forward again. There was only one couple left between us and the host, which meant we needed to figure out which door we were going through.

  “As long as you do, I do,” I responded.

  Frankie turned in my embrace and kissed my jaw. “Then let’s do this. Let’s see what sort of kinky secrets we can learn about one another.”

  We filled out the necessary paperwork, acknowledging that we’d been advised of the rules of the club both for tonight and were invited inside. The lights were low enough they weren’t blinding, but still brighter than what I assumed they were during business hours. Along one wall, there was a small table set up with snacks and refreshments. I was nervous enough I couldn’t imagine eating, but a drink might help my dry mouth, so I led Frankie to the table. He seemed to be on the same page, bypassing the food in favor of a sugary soda.

  Frankie’s eyes grew wide as he took in our surrounding inside the dungeon. I’ll admit I was a bit taken aback as well. I assumed calling it the dungeon was some sort of marketing ploy, but nope. The room was painted in dark jewel tones and there were benches, frames, and other contraptions whose use I could only imagine scattered around the room. The lead presenter encouraged us to mingle and ask questions of the various helpers, but Frankie looked ready to fall over so I led him to a chair at the end of the first row.

  “It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?” I crouched in front of him, running my hands up and down his thighs. “If it gets to be too much, tell me and we can leave. I don’t want you upset.”

  “I’m not,” he assured me. His eyes darted around the room, and he shifted in his chair. I glanced down, noticing he was hard enough his dick strained against the zipper of his faded jeans. “I feel like my brain’s overloaded right now. I don’t know where to look first. I expected a lot of this shi—stuff to turn me off, but seeing it makes it not so weird.”

  “I’m sure our hosts will be glad to hear that,” I teased. I pressed my forehead to his, sucking in a deep breath. “Someday, I promise I won’t be so hypersensitive about upsetting you. You asked me to be patient with you, well I need the same in return. Humor me when I seem twitchy and know it’s only because I care.”

  “I know you do, Cal.” He placed a hand over my heart. “Part of why I’m open to all this is because it’s you. I trust you to do almost anything to me. I know you won’t hurt me.”

  I smiled, not only because of his admission, but because it gave me a thrill every time he called me Cal. I wasn’t sure if he realized it, but that was a nickname he reserved for when we were intimate. Otherwise, he always called me Calvin.

  “If you’ll all find a seat, we’re about ready to begin,” the lead presenter announced. I shifted to the chair next to Frankie. He took my hand in his and leaned his head on my shoulder. The presenter looked at us and offered a polite smile.

  For some reason, I’d expected a bigger crowd than the nine of us who’d congregated in the dungeon. I wasn’t sure if the intimate setting helped Frankie’s nerves or made him uncomfortable. It was easier to stay anonymous when you were one in a sea of faces.

  The presenter explained what BDSM was and what it wasn’t for the first twenty minutes. It seemed to be a bit of overkill, but I supposed it was necessary given the misconceptions created by popular culture. What interested me the most was when he talked about how the lifestyle wasn’t something that only happened in the bedroom and that we were likely exposed to certain aspects every day without realizing it.

  I split my attention between listening to the presenter’s explanation of building up to a power exchange relationship and watching Frankie’s reactions. He sat straighter than he’d been earlier, leaning in and nodding from time to time. This was the most animated I’d seen him since we walked into the building.

  “As we mentioned at the door, there will be nothing sexual taking place tonight, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a bit of fun.” The presenter motioned to a tall man wearing black jeans, heavy boots, and nothing else. “How many of you have dabbled a bit into the wide world of kink?”

  A few of us raised our hands, most hesitating, as though we weren’t sure we should admit that we’d done anything without learning first. One of the points hammered home by the presenter in her introduction was that it was imperative to always play safe, which was why I was reluctant to admit my own participation. The guy with dark purple rope dangling from his fingers laughed. “Don’t be shy. I’m almost certain you won’t find anyone out there who didn’t try something before admitting they were curious. Hell, I’d be more nervous if you said you walked in off the street without any verifying you were interested. The reality is, almost everyone has tried something at some point that qualifies as kinky. Tonight, we’re going to give you a sampling of a few of the more in-depth workshops we offer here at The Lodge.

  “I know you’re probably eager to continue exploring whatever turned you on to the BDSM lifestyle in the first place, but I’d like to remind you that you need to crawl before you can walk. Please, do not think you can watch a video of something and know all there is to know about a particular kink.” Frankie’s eyes were transfixed on the length of rope in the presenter’s hands. For someone
who not too long ago swore he’d never be into being restrained, he seemed awfully interested now. “My name is William and I’ve spent over a decade learning everything I can about the art of Shibari. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I felt confident enough to accept an invitation to teach my first workshop on the subject. I tell you that because I want you to understand we all had to learn the ropes, so to speak.”

  Laughter filtered through the room. Frankie gave my hand a squeeze and nodded to the small stage. I leaned closer so we wouldn’t disrupt William as he continued through his introduction. “You trying to tell me you want rope on the list of things we try?”

  “Yes please.” Frankie pressed his leg against mine, and we turned back to the presentation. William asked for a volunteer and Frankie’s hand shot into the air, surprising both of us.

  William gave Frankie a subtle nod, but spoke to me. “Are you okay if I borrow your boy for a few minutes? I promise to return him in the same condition I found him. Maybe a little hornier, but I won’t harm him.”

  More laughter, mine included, because I was certain I wouldn’t get Frankie back in exactly the same condition. Remembering how turned on he was the night I walked in and he realized I’d been watching him suck off a john, I hoped to get him back horny and begging me to find the nearest dark corner to fuck him senseless. “That’s fine.”

  I watched as William took Frankie’s hand and led him to the front of the room. He ran his hands up and down Frankie’s arms, urging Frankie to look at me. I listened intently as William explained the various types of rope and how not all ties worked as well for men as they did for women due to the differences in their bodies, focusing on the steady rise and fall of Frankie’s chest. Someone behind me murmured praise for how beautiful he was. I happened to agree.

  “Tonight, I’ll be working over the clothes since this is an introduction only. Which is a shame, really, because you’d look stunning trussed up before us.” Hearing William continue praising Frankie’s body didn’t cause the expected swell of jealousy. In fact, I was so hard I had to reach down and cup myself. The boy noticed and offered me a wicked grin. “Whenever you begin any scene, it’s important to make sure your sub is relaxed. Tension increases the chance that you’ll injure him. Note, I said injure not hurt, because there’s a huge difference.

  “To start, I’m going to turn our volunteer so you can see what I’m doing to him.” William pulled up a chair. Once he had Frankie where he wanted him, he looked over Frankie’s shoulder to me. “If you don’t mind, I think your boy will be more comfortable if you come up here and join us.”

  William had placed the chair close enough to Frankie that I could reach out to him if needed, but far enough away that he could work. On the way to my front row seat, I paused and cupped Frankie’s cheek, pressing my lips to his. “I’m so proud of you putting yourself on display like this. And you are on display. Every wannabe Dom in this room is wishing you were his boy. That you’d be going home with him tonight.” Frankie whimpered. It may have been crossing a line since this demonstration wasn’t supposed to be sexual, but I reached down to cup Frankie’s cock. “So hard for me. You like knowing they’re all going to be watching you?”

  “Yes, Cal.” His words were thready and ragged, his breathing shallow.

  “You’re a dirty boy. Bet you wish I could unzip your jeans and stroke you off while he ties you up, don’t you?” I sensed William’s presence behind me, but he didn’t interrupt.

  “Uh-huh,” Frankie moaned.

  There was a tap on my shoulder. I glanced around and could read the silent question in William’s eyes. I stepped to the side, allowing him access to my boy. William jerked his head toward the chair and I sat, eager to see what he had planned.

  “You need to maintain control at all times, in everything you do,” William lectured. Although his words were meant for the entire room, I tried replaying the exchange between Frankie and me to figure out where I’d gone wrong. He pulled Frankie’s arms behind him, not hard enough to harm him, but with enough force to elicit a gasp from him. Still holding Frankie’s arms in one hand, he moved around between us. “How do you respond when asked a question?”

  “Yes or no, sir.” It rankled that he could call a perfect stranger Sir but not me. I tamped down my insecurities, reminding myself he was likely being respectful, not using it as in the sense I craved.

  “Good answer,” William praised before addressing the others in the room. “Even if your boy is into humiliation, it’s your job to remember they’re doing their best to please you. Praise them when it’s warranted; I promise you won’t be disappointed with the results.”

  Emotions bubbled up in my chest as the demonstration continued. Pride, arousal, and something that felt too close to love for comfort. Watching Frankie get tied up by someone else shouldn’t – couldn’t – be the moment I realized I was falling in love with him. Too bad my heart hadn’t gotten that memo.

  By the time Frankie was confined in what William referred to as a basic box tie, I was planning our escape. Although I’d never seen the appeal of sex in public places, it was damn tempting to return to the place where this all started. Take Frankie into that storage room and drop to my knees and give him the reward he’d earned. More would be better, but I wasn’t sure I could keep it up long enough to fuck him the way I wanted if I was worried about someone barging in on us.

  William finished his presentation and untied Frankie, then ushered both of us to the main room, where he suggested we sit on one of the low couches for a few minutes. He sent the bartender over with a bottle of water for Frankie and another soda for me. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get Frankie to drink as William strongly suggested; his breathing was slow and steady as it was when he fell asleep. I kept my voice low when I asked, “How do you feel?”

  “Weird. Good. Horny.” His words were slurred. Frankie scooted around on my lap, rubbing his ass against my painful arousal. Brat. “Can we come back sometime?”

  “Whenever you want.” Some time later, the host from the front desk joined us, explaining the membership application procedures. I took the paperwork and promised to return it before the end of the weekend. I wanted to check with Frankie when he wasn’t so out of it to make sure he wanted to go through the membership process. I hoped so, because I’d found the missing piece of the puzzle to help Frankie find tranquility.

  13

  Frankie

  It turned out sex was a great stress reliever. Sex-on-demand with someone I cared about was lightyears better than the way I’d been living. It wasn’t always easy for Calvin and me to find time together, but we made the most of every minute we had when Ryan wasn’t here. The day after we’d attended the introduction workshop at The Lodge had been a busy one.

  Over breakfast, we’d discussed how both of us felt. Fanfuckingtastic was the first word that came to my mind. Calvin laughed at my enthusiastic response before scolding me for foul language. Until him, I didn’t realize how often profanity slipped past my lips, but I was making a conscious effort to clean up my vocabulary. In agreement that we’d like to take more of the workshops offered by The Lodge, we filled out the paperwork, and he wrote a check for the membership application.

  That afternoon, he sat down at the kitchen table with his day planner and told me to get mine. Calvin shook his head when I admitted I didn’t have a planner because it’d be filled with work, work, and more work. That was quickly solved when he downloaded a calendar app on both of our phones and synced them. It was depressing to see how often he’d be out of town, but I’d known going into this relationship that I would never be his first priority.

  “I’m going to be late Wednesday night,” Calvin told me as I whipped up pancake batter out of a box. That was another change; unless there was something demanding my attention at work, I left opening Marino’s to Enzo so Calvin and I could eat breakfast together. “Why don’t you see if Max wants to get together and hang out?”

  “I’ll have to s
ee if he’s working.” I’d steered clear of Club 83 since getting together with Calvin. I told myself it was because I didn’t want to run into anyone I’d taken to the back room, but I also worried it’d be easy to fall back into old habits. The only time I frequented the bar was when I needed to forget everything for a little while. Unfortunately, that meant I’d only seen Max the night he covered a shift at Marino’s and when he’d come to pick up his paycheck. Calvin was doing his best to change that and seemed to have made it his mission for us to be friends.

  “He’s not,” Calvin informed me. He scanned the morning news on his tablet while we chatted.

  “Calvin,” I grumbled, setting the bowl on the counter with a bit more force than necessary. “I don’t need you going around behind my back setting up playdates for me. I’m not a child.”

  That got his attention. He very calmly set down the tablet, pushed his chair away from the table, and stalked over toward me. I could tell by the hardened look in Calvin’s eyes that he was upset by my outburst. My breath caught when he spun me around and captured my wrists in his hands. “I understand that, but you need to build a life for yourself. Instead of a single bubble, now you have two: work and home. I know Max isn’t working on Wednesday because Eli mentioned giving a new bartender a chance to run things that night.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah, oh.” He led me to the end of the counter and placed both of my hands on the ceramic tile. “I don’t know what’s got you in such a mood this week, but it ends now. I’ve been trying to give you space, but that obviously isn’t what you need so neither of us is leaving the house until you tell me what’s going on.”

  “It’s nothing,” I lied, unable to bring myself to admit I was upset that this would be the first weekend he was out of town since we got together. He was leaving Friday after Ryan got home from school and wouldn’t be home until sometime on Sunday. And now, hearing he’d be late Wednesday, too… well, I was a selfish bastard sometimes.