by Penny Jordan
’Hello,’ he greeted her. ‘Anything I can do to help?’
‘Not unless you can find me something to do,’ Kate told him ruefully.
‘Easily,’ he responded quickly. ‘Especially if you happen to have some computer experience.’
Kate did, having taken several intensive courses on various aspects of the new computer technology, and what Graham wanted her to do was simply to monitor several very basic programmes, leaving him free to write up some reports.
‘We’d better not let Silas know we’ve got a computer expert here,’ he joked with Andy Lewis, one of the vets in charge of the experimental unit. ‘Otherwise we’re going to lose her.’
Graham’s office was a cluttered, busy place and, recognising that he was one of that breed of people who worked best from an untidy mind, Kate wasn’t surprised that he was having problems adjusting to the new technology. He admitted quite frankly to her that he preferred more old-fashioned methods, and was full of praise at the speed with which Kate dealt with the backlog of work.
As far as she was concerned, it was a relief to have something to do, and she was just telling him so when the door opened and Silas walked in.
He checked when he saw her, an unguarded look of anguished uncertainty crossing his face, and then he took a step towards her, stopping abruptly.
‘Graham, I’ve run out of pain-killers, do you have any?’ he requested the doctor, turning his back on Kate.
‘I have, but you know that I’ve warned you about these attacks of yours, Silas. You drive yourself far too hard. The world won’t collapse if you stop working twenty-four hours a day, you know.’
‘Maybe not,’ Silas agreed grimly. ‘But the government might withdraw our funding. You know very well that we’re on a time limit here to produce results, Graham, and you know how I feel about the importance of checking every piece of research. Powerful drugs produce powerful side-effects.’
‘Here are your tablets,’ Graham told him, unlocking a medical cabinet and extracting a small bottle. ‘I hope I don’t have to tell you that if you intend to take these you’ve got to go home and go straight to bed.’
‘I may be a fool,’ Silas told him drily, ‘but I’m not that much of one.’
He turned to go, still having not even acknowledged Kate’s presence other than by that brief startled look when he had walked in. She could see that he was in pain now; his eyes were darkly glazed with it, and his skin was sweating slightly.
‘Kate’s proved a godsend,’ Graham told him cheerfully as he walked with him to the door. ‘She’s even been able to master the intricacies of that infernal computer you’ve cursed me with.’
Silas did look at her then, checking and frowning, ‘Kate’s been working in here?’
The accusatory note in his voice angered her. Her chin tilted proudly, her eyes darkening with emotion.
‘It’s all right, Silas,’ she told him disdainfully. ‘I’m perfectly well aware of the confidential nature of the work being done here. You may not believe it, but as a teacher, I am used to dealing with confidential information and…’
‘I asked her if she could help out, Silas,’ Graham intervened placatingly. ‘The records are beginning to get in one hell of a mess. You know yourself, you said only the other day that we could do with some professional clerical assistance.’
‘Yes, I know,’ Silas agreed. ‘And you know how the Ministry feels about our taking on extra staff. Dammit, Graham, they’re already looking for a reason to close us down, and if it wasn’t for the success we had in Ethiopia, we wouldn’t even have got this far…’
‘I know, and I know how much this research means to you, Silas.’
‘A strain of sheep that can live and breed in any climate, provide meat and high quality wool, and that can live off virtually the poorest grass…’
‘Yes, it’s a very ambitious project,’ Graham agreed. ‘And another few more months of tests to prove that these animals are virtually disease-immune and you’ll have everything you need to convince the authorities to go ahead and approve the new strain.’
‘I thought you were trying to find an antidote for rabies,’ Kate interrupted them. She had assumed that the development of the new strain of sheep was simply a side issue, but from their conversation it appeared that she was wrong.
‘That was just gossip started when we first came here,’ Silas told her abruptly. ‘It helped to keep people away, which was what we wanted, and so we didn’t deny it.’
‘But the security…the quarantine…’
‘Our sheep have deliberately been infected with several of the most virulent sheep diseases there are. If only one of those animals gets out, it could infect every flock for miles around and totally decimate them.
‘Another week and we’ll know for sure that our animals are disease-free. Hence the quarantine. We can’t afford to take any risks. Not even the slight risk that you could possibly indirectly cause an outbreak of disease among the fell flocks.’
‘That would have been a very remote chance,’ Kate challenged him hotly. ‘If you’d only told me that, I’d…’
‘You’d have what? Refused to accept my quarantine ruling?’ Silas snapped at her. ‘I meant every word I said, Kate. You’re staying.’
And with that he turned and opened the door.
Kate watched him, and then realised that Graham was watching her rather curiously. A painful flush stained her skin as she realised he had overheard that familiar ‘Kate’ that had sat so easily on Silas’s lips. The way he had said her name had not spoken of a recent or unfamiliar relationship.
‘Will he be all right on his own?’ she asked awkwardly, trying to bridge the difficult moment.
’I should think so. He’s had enough practice. Of course, if you’re concerned, you could always go back with him.’
‘What’s wrong with him exactly?’ Kate asked, avoiding a direct answer.
‘He contracted a severe and debilitating attack of…fever…whilst he was working in Ethiopia with the famine relief organisations. Every now and again the fever recurs. It shouldn’t, and if he didn’t push himself so hard it wouldn’t. In its own way it’s at least fifty per cent pyschosomatic—his body’s way of telling him that it’s had enough. Known him long, have you?’ he added casually.
Kate stiffened.
‘I was with him out there,’ Graham told her quietly. ‘During the worst of his fever he became delirious. I’ve often wondered who Kate was and what happened to her. He fought like a caged tiger to persuade the government to give us a different venue for this research station, but in the end he had no alternative. It was this place or nothing.’
There was absolutely nothing Kate could say.
Silas alone, sick, crying out for her…It was as though someone had plunged a knife into her stomach and was cruelly turning it.
* * *
Kate put off returning to the house for as long as she could. Not because she was frightened of seeing Silas, but because she was terrified of what her own reaction might be.
She had known the moment she had seen him that, physically, he still affected her. Mature now, she had found it all too easy to recognise that pulsing excitement of her flesh, even though it was a sensation she had not experienced in all the long years without him.
And now, like the advent calendars Cherry so loved at Christmas, slowly and tantalisingly small pieces of a Silas she had not really known existed were being revealed to her. And, as an adult, her perceptions honed by her years of experience, it was as though she was seeing the whole man for the first time, and not just the Silas she had adored as her lover.
That man had existed for her in one dimension only, that dimension being his relationship with her. Oh, they had talked of their future together, but she had always seen that future bathed in the rosy light of perfection of them together, married, with children; although she supposed she must have known of Silas’s great need to improve the lot of humanity, she had selfishly pushed it
to one side as something of far less importance than her own feelings.
She stopped abruptly as she walked down the lane, tears stinging her eyes. She rubbed them away grimly. Tears for Silas, or for herself?
The first thing she heard when she walked into the house was the sound of a typewriter. Without thinking, she opened the door to Silas’s study and stood there.
He was dressed only in pyjama bottoms, his feet bare, his hair tousled, his forehead pleated in a frown of concentration.
‘I thought Graham said you weren’t to work,’ she reminded him tartly.
Just for a moment he looked surprised, a glimmer of something that could have been amusement lighting his eyes and making her flush as she realised how bossy she probably sounded.
But he made no comment other than to say pointedly, ‘I wasn’t until the telephone rang. Your daughter sounds very like you.’
Her daughter. He had spoken to Cherry…She felt panic hit her. He was saying something to her; she forced herself to concentrate on it. Something about children.
‘You always wanted a family, didn’t you? I remember you saying you wanted at least four children.’
Had she said that? She couldn’t remember. Cherry was their child and she loved her, but her experience as a teacher had soon destroyed her illusions, and she was well aware now that the relationship between parent and child was not always so harmonious as the one she had with Cherry.
‘What happened to the other three?’ he taunted her unkindly.
Kate stared at him, and then gathered her wits to say waspishly, ‘At least I have a child. You haven’t even achieved that much.’
It was a lie, but he was hardly likely to know it, nor to care; and yet, as she focused on him, she saw him go white to the bone, as though she had dealt him a mortal blow. He removed his hands from the keyboard of the machine, but not before she had seen their convulsive jerk, as though something she had said had hit a raw nerve.
It had been stupid to retaliate so childishly to his taunt. More worthy of the eighteen-year-old she had been than the woman she was. He must think her as immature now as she had been then. And she suddenly realised she wanted him to have a good opinion of her.
‘I’m sorry, that was an idiotic thing to say,’ she apologised quietly. ‘But I am surprised that you haven’t married and had a family, Silas. You were always so marvellous with children. Remember that little girl on the fell…’
‘If I ever wanted children, then I certainly don’t want them now,’ he told her harshly. ‘There isn’t room in my life for that kind of commitment any more.’
Kate stared at him, wondering at the suppressed passion in his voice and the bitterness in his eyes. He had changed so much; she barely recognised him, and not just because her own perception of him had changed, she acknowledged. The Silas she had known had wanted a family, had loved children; that hadn’t been a figment of her infatuated imaginings. She remembered how she had fatuously agreed with him, promising him that their first child would be a son, only to be told that he would prefer a daughter.
Ironic, the twists fate took.
‘You didn’t have any lunch,’ she said quietly. ‘When I’ve phoned Cherry, I could make some supper.’
No, thanks,’ he told her curtly. ‘I’m going back to bed.’
As he stood up, she quickly averted her gaze from the sight of his half-clothed body.
Had she really once had the freedom to reach out and touch that solid expanse of flesh and sinew? The tingling in her fingertips told her that she had, that her fevered memories of the sensation of that dark coating of fine, silky hair beneath them was no mere imagining.
Her mouth went dry suddenly, as she recalled how she had once covered him with adoring kisses. She couldn’t drag her attention away from the dark, hard nubs of flesh she had once teased with her mouth and, appallingly, her own nipples suddenly hardened and pulsed with arousal.
She was shaking as she finally managed to look away, and then she saw it: a fine criss-cross of white scars low down on the left-hand side of his body.
Unable to stop herself, she gave a low cry and reached out to touch him with fingers that trembled.
‘What happened?’ she asked huskily, unable to stop focusing on the scarred flesh. Her fingertips quivered sensitively over the ridged flesh. Tears gushing hotly into her eyes, she wanted to take him into her arms the way she did Cherry when she was hurt, and to press her lips to his skin in a gesture of solace and anguish.
‘A tribesman’s knife,’ she heard Silas saying tautly above her. ‘An accident. It became inflamed and wouldn’t heal.’
He didn’t tell her about the lack of antibiotics, about the lack of anything but the most primitive medical facilities; and how even then he had been racked with guilt for taking medication desperately needed to help people who were dying in their thousands.
He looked down at her and ached to reach out and touch her. It all seemed so long ago now. He had gone out to Ethiopia on impulse after she had broken their engagement. An impetuous decision which had brought home to him in a very real sense man’s inhumanity to his own kind.
There was so much compassion and emotion within her. The woman she had matured into was so much more than the girl had been. She took his breath away, seized his emotions, made him want to cry out to the heavens to roll back the years.
He had loved her then and he loved her now, but she had left him and another man had given her a child.
Her head moved. In another second he would feel her mouth against his skin.
He shivered violently and pushed her away.
Kate came abruptly to her senses, flushing with mortification as she stepped back from him.
‘I must go and ring Cherry,’ she said awkwardly, and fled to her room where she sat on her bed, a tight bundle of tensed arms and legs, berating herself for her idiocy.
All right, so he wasn’t married, never had been married, but that didn’t mean that she could simply walk back into his life and expect him to welcome her with open arms.
Walk back into his life. Was that what she wanted?
Yes…Yes. She wanted to take him and show him their daughter, to tell him that she had never stopped loving him. But he thought Cherry was another man’s child, she remembered abruptly. He had also told her that there was no room in his life for a wife and child.
Had he been warning her off then? Had he recognised what was happening to her before she realised it herself? Had that been his way of telling her there was no going back, that there was no longer any place for her in his life?
Sadly, she recognised that, for Cherry’s sake, there was no way she could reveal the truth and risk her daughter perhaps being rejected by the man who had fathered her. Proud though she was of the child they had created together, for Cherry’s sake she must allow Silas to go on believing that there had been someone else in her life and that that someone else was Cherry’s father.
Silas left the study and walked slowly to the stairs. He had been a fool to pretend to himself that he could have her living in the same house with him without it affecting him. It had been the discovery that she had thought he was married that had thrown him off guard.
All these years he had thought that she had simply panicked and left him because she had felt trapped, because she had been too young to commit herself to marriage—something which even at the time he had known, but which he in his need had dismissed.
He had never been able to blame her for breaking their engagement, rather blaming himself for taking advantage of her youth; and now, the discovery that she had not left him for the reason he had thought had totally thrown him.
But her life had gone on, as had his own, with one important difference. She had obviously found someone else to love, a someone else by whom she had had a child. As he walked upstairs, he found he was sweating, and yet he felt icy-cold at the same time. A child. He started to shiver. She had always wanted children…they both had—then.
He was shivering violently by the time he reached his bedroom. He crawled into the untidy bed and huddled down under the bedclothes, closing his eyes, but despite the medication he had taken sleep would not come.
Instead, he was tormented by memories of the past. Of Kate, as she had been when he first knew her. His memories unravelled mockingly. Kate, so shy and inexperienced, so loving and giving, and yet at the same time so unsure of herself, not knowing how she tormented him with her innocent sexuality. And then later, when they were lovers. He made an anguished sound of despair and rolled over on to his stomach.
Who was the man by whom she had had her child? Where was he? It was obvious that he was no longer part of her life. Had she loved him? Stupid question; knowing Kate, she must have done. She obviously loved his child.
Again the pain struck, and he cried out with it.
In her room, Kate heard him, and tensed as though his pain were her own. She wanted to go to him, and yet she felt she could not. The way he had pushed her away when she had tried to touch his scar had shown her that.
She picked up the telephone and dialled the number of the farm. Her father answered, and beneath the familiar gruffness of his voice she sensed his love and concern.
‘How’s Cherry?’ she asked him huskily.
‘Missing you,’ he told her. ‘But that’s only natural. The two of you’ve never been apart before, so she tells us. You’ve done a fine job of bringing her up, lass.’ She heard him draw a deep breath, and then he added roughly, ‘Don’t worry about her. We’ll see she’s all right.’
There were tears in Kate’s eyes when she spoke to Cherry, and she recognised guiltily that for those few minutes while she had been with Silas, when she had reached out to touch him, she had almost forgotten that their child even existed. That was the intensity of the effect he had on her. From the moment she was born, Cherry had been the focus of her life. She swallowed hard and tried to answer Cherry’s questions about her day as honestly as she could.
‘What’s he like, the man who runs the station?’ Cherry asked her curiously.
It was a natural enough question, and yet Kate froze. When she eventually replaced the receiver she was shaking with fear.