Marcus was staring out the window at the bird feeder that needed refilling. Or at least that was what she saw, what he was seeing she had no idea. She drained the bacon, then stirred in the eggs and chopped onion. Grateful she had something to do, she put the bread in the toaster and poured herself a cup of coffee. It didn’t look like she’d be going to bed anytime soon.
The ringing phone caught her attention, but if Marcus heard it, he didn’t respond. Leah answered and said, “Good morning.”
“Hi, Leah, this is Jim Gustafson, is Pastor okay? He didn’t make the meeting and it’s not like him not to call.” Jim was chairman of the board of elders that assisted the pastor in governing the church.
“I know, Jim, thanks for calling. He’s feeling under the weather and must have slept through it. I was about to call Marcia and tell her to cancel his appointments for today.”
“Sorry to hear Marcus’s sick. Hope it is nothing serious. How about I tell Marcia for you?”
“I’d appreciate that. I’ll tell him you called, and he’ll get back to you soon.”
“Thanks. Hope you have a great day.”
She about choked on his blessing. Have a great day. Right. Just getting through today and the next few days would be miraculous. Through it how? Where were the guidelines for an only and far too young daughter announcing an out-of-wedlock pregnancy? Leah clicked off the phone and laid it on the counter. Sprinkling cheese on the scrambled eggs, she covered the pan with a lid and turned off the heat. If only she could turn off the heat in her head. She retrieved the plates and silverware, things Marcus usually did when they fixed a meal together. Surely her feeling of irritability was due to her being tired.
He had yet to move.
“You want some cream in your coffee?” All the mundane things that made up life. Bacon and eggs and coffee and birds wanting to be fed. Speaking of wanting to be fed, where was Patches? Leah dished up the breakfast on two plates, plunked down more bread for toast. “I’ll be right back.” She headed up the stairs and sure enough, she heard a cry from behind the closed door to Kirsten’s room. “You got locked in, eh?” She opened the door and the cat stalked out, glaring at her. “Hey, it’s not my fault. I didn’t shut the door.” She followed the cat back down the stairs.
Tail straight in the air, Patches padded into the kitchen where the kibble waited in her dish. She sniffed it and went to stand in front of the refrigerator, the dispenser of milk and the “wet food” the cat infinitely preferred.
Her toast was only warm but Leah buttered it anyway. “Marcus, please eat.”
He broke off his stare and looked down at the plate in front of him as if surprised it had arrived there. Obediently, he lifted his fork and took a bite. He ate mechanically but at least he was eating.
Leah took her place, started to eat, reminded herself to say grace, and after a very abbreviated prayer, forced herself to eat. She took a sip of coffee but put it down and got up to put on the teakettle instead.
Marcus pushed his half-eaten meal away. “Think I’ll go to bed now. Hopefully I’m tired enough to sleep.”
“Did you sleep at all last night?”
He shook his head. “At least I don’t think so.” He rubbed his eyes. “I should call Marcia.”
“It’s all taken care of. Jim will tell Marcia, and she’ll cancel your appointments. Is your sermon ready for Sunday?”
He nodded. “What are we going to do?” he asked again.
“We are going to take one day at a time and keep this to ourselves until after graduation. That’s only three days away.”
“One day at a time? How about an hour, a minute? All these years I’ve talked about taking every thought captive so worry and fear can’t get a foothold. I thought I was good at it.”
The teakettle whistled, so she rose to make her tea. “Some things are easier to do than others.”
“Until it is your daughter in trouble. My daughter. My Kirsten.” He stared at his wife. “How are you able to work and act as if nothing is wrong?”
“Things need to be done. I’ve been praying for us to deal with this. I’ve been going over the list of options.”
“This is a baby, not an option.”
“Some would say it is not a baby yet.” Leah couldn’t believe she was actually putting her thoughts into words—and speaking them out loud.
He pushed his chair back and stood. “I’m going to shower and take a nap, see if I can get ahold of this.”
Guilt made her flinch. All the work she and Marcus had done with antiabortion groups, always taking the stand that life begins at conception. She rinsed the plates and loaded the dishwasher. “Lord, I do believe that. I think. I need to get some sleep too. I’m not thinking straight.” She shut the door and leaned against the counter. “But this is my daughter, my honest, reliable, lovely, trusting-in-Jesus daughter, and not some statistic.”
Chapter Eight
You’ve been avoiding me. I called and texted.”
Kirsten hugged her books to her chest. “I know, José, but I have to have time to figure this out.” The two of them had left the high school grounds after their last final and now they sat at their favorite table in the city park. Children were playing on the climbing bars and swinging in the swings. Soon the Little League teams would be taking over the ballpark to the north. Dog walkers kept pretty much to the circular path around the park, except for those who used the grassy area to keep their dogs chasing a tennis ball or a Frisbee.
“So how did yours go?” she asked.
“So-so. I had a hard time keeping my mind on mundane questions like name the three branches of the government and who is currently holding those positions. And you?”
“I think I aced lit but econ is iffy. If I get an A it will be a miracle. Makes me realize that economics is not my favorite subject. Too many numbers and charts.”
He nodded, staring at an ink blot on his index finger as if it were life threatening.
José looked like he hadn’t slept, and there were dark smudges under his eyes. “You said you were figuring out something. What?”
“What I’m going to do.”
“Marry me right after graduation, that’s what we’ll do.” His square jaw tightened. “You know I love you and you have always said you love me. But you don’t call back or even return my texts.” His voice cracked. “This is our baby.”
“And what about the scholarships you have, a free ride to Northwestern? You’ll give all that up?” She held up a hand. “Don’t answer that. At least not right now.”
“Kirsten, all I care about, all I can think about right now, is you and the baby.”
“That’s easy to say right now, but what about…?” Kirsten slammed her books down on the table. “I am not ready to have this conversation and that’s why I have not returned your calls.” She fought the tears that seemed to spring up whenever she let down her guard. Deep breath. “Did you tell your grandmother?”
“Of course. I said I would.”
That was José, all right. If he said he would do something, he did it. Other than their vow of chastity. What happened there? “What did she say?”
“Not much, but she hugged me hard. I know she is praying for us.”
José’s grandmother, Betty Flores, was known as a wise woman who listened to God and prayed for so many people. José was the center of her life. He had lived with her since he started kindergarten and his biological mother, her daughter, disappeared into the drug scene. She attended the Munsford Community Church, so José and Kirsten had known each other since Sunday school. They’d been friends all those years and in the youth group at church. And then in high school they started dating, with the group at first. And then…
Kirsten jerked her mind back to the park and José glowering at her. “Take me home, please. I don’t feel so good.”
“I want to talk with Pastor Marcus and your mother.”
“No!” The one word exploded into the spring air.
“Why not
? That’s the proper way.”
“José Flores, there is no proper way for the mess we’re in.” She deliberately put a twist on his words.
“You don’t have to yell.” His eyes narrowed.
“Yelling beats crying when I might never stop.”
He heaved a sigh. “Come on, then. But you can’t put me off forever.”
“I don’t plan to.” She picked up her backpack.
He lifted her pack from her, holding it tightly, waiting for her to object. He slung it over his other shoulder as they left the park.
Normal. This must stay normal. She swallowed the anger boiling in her throat. “Are you working today?”
He nodded. “At three.”
Good, then he would at least quit calling and texting her. The anger snapped and snarled. This was supposed to be a happy time, one they had looked forward to for years. Graduation and the start of their new lives. Their much-anticipated missions trip was shortly after graduation. José could still go, but she needed to come up with some kind of excuse. How long could they keep this secret? She clamped her lower lip between her teeth, ordering her stomach to behave itself. Uncertain as to whom she resented most at the moment, him or her own body, she strode out, forcing him to walk faster too.
“What’s your hurry?”
“If you have to know, I need to use the bathroom.”
“Oh, sorry.”
Sorry for what? For asking the question, for allowing them to be in this position, or for getting them in this position? One moment she blamed him and the next, she castigated herself.
He stopped when they reached the gate and handed her backpack back to her. “Call me.”
“Probably not tonight. You get off at ten, right?”
“And hopefully you’ll be asleep by then.” He took her hand but it was all she could do to not pull away. “We’ll make it through this, Kirsten. I don’t know how but I—I love you.”
Sure, that’s what got us into this fix. “Right.”
“Do you believe that God will make something good of this? He promised…”
“I don’t know what I believe right now.” She turned and swung the gate open, wishing she dared to run away. She waved over her shoulder without turning to look at him again. The wounded look he had given her made her want to scream. He could walk away if he wanted to, after all, she was the one carrying the baby.
Since they had turned in their books after the last final, her backpack clinked on the entry table rather than its usual thunk. She glanced in the mirror above the table and grimaced. If she thought José had looked bad, no amount of concealer under her eyes had helped. But then, many of the seniors looked exhausted. Finals did that.
Patches greeted her from the third step up.
“Where is everyone?”
The cat chirped again and stood, arched her back in a typical cat fashion, and padded off toward the kitchen.
“Sure hope Mom fed you. She had to have let you out. Sorry.” Kirsten opened the door to the refrigerator first, studying the contents to see if anything looked at all appetizing. She pulled out a couple of things and turned to pet the cat, who now sat on a chair. Glancing over to the dishes on the floor, she saw the remaining kibble. Patches wasn’t a hearty eater. Kirsten made her sandwich on one slice of bread, cut off a dab of cheese for the cat, and smiled when Patches daintily nibbled the cheese while holding on to Kirsten’s fingers with both front paws. After adding some chips to her plate and putting things away, she headed for her favorite recliner in the family room.
Most likely her mother was still sleeping after working the night before and her father was at the church. Halfway through her sandwich, a yawn caught her, a tidal wave of weariness that swept her back into the safety of the chair. Someone wake me when this is all over.
When the cat jumped up in her lap some time later, she could hear her mother in the kitchen. But instead of joining her, Kirsten dragged up the stairs and crawled into bed. At least she didn’t have to be at school in the morning.
But when she woke to use the bathroom, the house was silent and the clock flicked the numbers to 2:15. Back in bed, guilt dragged up the memories she’d been trying to ignore. Celebrating the incredible offer from Northwestern, one kiss led to the next one, and neither of them tried to put on the brakes. After all, they truly loved each other and planned on marrying someday. Afterward, the guilt that they’d broken their chastity vows nearly drowned them. And then the fear. Would God continue to bless them after they blew their vows like this?
“But we won’t do it again,” they promised each other. She returned home praying, Please, Lord. One time—no one gets pregnant on her first and only time. How could we have been so stupid? Stupid! Stupid! She sat up in bed and clicked on her light, pulling her journal from the drawer. She’d have to burn this one when she finished it, so no one would ever read it.
After she wrote the date she began, “This can’t be happening. It just can’t. Not to me. Please, God, please make this go away. You can fix anything. Please, no, no! It can’t be. It just can’t be.” She blotted tear splashes. “I have my whole life to live. This just can’t be happening. There has to be a mistake somewhere. Surely the test was wrong. I promise it won’t happen again. We learned our lesson. I can’t do this!” The exclamation point stuttered across the page. She flopped back on her pillows, grabbed a handful of tissues, wiped her nose and eyes, and picked up her pen again. “It’s not fair. Please.” She slashed lines under the word. “Please make it all go away. Women lose babies all the time. Not me, please, not me. It just can’t be.” She stopped writing and rubbed the bridge of her nose where headaches sometimes formed. “I’d rather die than go through this.” She threw the pen across the room.
“God, please!”
How am I going to get through this? That pregnancy test yesterday, I took it twice. That should be sufficient, but what if the box was faulty? She dug a new pen out of the drawer and wrote herself a note to buy another test kit. “Oh, Lord, I promise to not do it again. I promise to keep my vow. Oh please.”
She lay back and let herself dream of this all being a false alarm. She and José had learned a lesson, that was certain. Maybe she should have waited to tell her parents. She hadn’t been planning on telling them right away like that, but the words just jumped out of her mouth. The Bible verse on the page of her journal reminded her, “Ask, and you shall receive. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened for you.” She read it again, one of those verses she had memorized for Sunday school. “Lord, I sure am asking. Please let me not be pregnant. Let this all be a false alarm. I’m so sorry for not keeping my vow, for not saying no. One of us should have said no. But we didn’t. Help us all. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
She turned out the light and snuggled back down. She felt so ready for more sleep. And she didn’t need to set her alarm for school.
In the morning when she finally woke up, the clock read ten. Her stomach explained to her that she’d not eaten supper or breakfast and perhaps she should do something about that. Making her way downstairs, she heard her mother in the laundry room. Kirsten picked Patches up off a chair and, cuddling her under her chin, stopped in the doorway. “Morning.”
“Good, you’re up. I was beginning to think I needed to check to make sure you were breathing.” Leah closed the lid on the washer and turned the dial.
“Guess I was tired. Could I borrow the car? I need to pick up some stuff at Barnett’s in McGrath.”
“Barnett’s? Isn’t that a bit far away?”
“I know but Barnett’s is the only place that has that special hand lotion that I like.” Oh great, now she was lying on top of everything else.
“Fine with me. How about helping me at the home place for a while? I need to find the pictures for the reunion book.”
“Can I do that after I get back? I shouldn’t be gone long.”
“Sure, if you fill my list too.”
“Okay.” Well, at least s
omething was going right.
“José called.”
I told him not to call. Can’t he listen? “Thanks for not waking me up.” Kirsten turned back to the kitchen.
She stirred her usual yogurt and sat down at the table to eat. “Dad at work?”
“Yes.”
She wanted to ask how her dad was doing, but she ate without speaking. Right now she didn’t want to think about her father. Actually, she didn’t want to think about much of anything. She’d take the pregnancy test again and all would be well.
And what if it isn’t? something inside her asked. She tossed the yogurt container in the trash, stuck her spoon in the dishwasher, and headed for her room to get ready to leave. Maybe today her period would start after all. She glanced at the calendar. No, it wasn’t due for two more days. And she’d already missed two cycles.
Down in the car, she texted José. “I asked you not to call. I will call you later.” Hopefully with good news. The May morning sparkled all green and gold, with flowers blooming and the sky so blue she wished she’d worn a tank top. But a T-shirt and shorts with flip-flops also said that summer was almost here. She parked in the huge parking lot and marked what aisle she was in so she could find the car again. Her mother had forgotten one time and they had walked the whole place looking for it, pushing the full cart.
Inside the store she looked around to be sure no one knew her. She stood in front of the pregnancy kit display and made sure she chose a different brand from the one she had used two days ago. Was that all it had been? Felt more like a week. Crossing items off her mother’s list, she put them in a red plastic cart and went to stand in the checkout line. Any other time she would have called Lindsey and asked her to come along. They’d stop at the Burger Barn for lunch. Of course she could do that anyway, but it wasn’t as much fun alone. She studied the headlines on the magazines by the checkout. Some Hollywood star was caught cheating on his wife, someone else was dating someone new. Same old, same old.
Two days until graduation. Her new life was about to begin. She knew she was still in the running for several scholarships that would be announced at the ceremony. She needed to press her gown. She and her mom had bought her graduation dress several weeks earlier. Good thing it was lightweight. Could be hot that day. All these thoughts kept dancing through her mind as she set her purchases on the conveyor belt and paid the bill. She took her sunglasses off the top of her head and put them on as she pushed the cart outside.
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