But sometimes… an abortion would be the quick solution. Don’t even go there, she ordered her mind. How strange, her dream of being a grandmother was not coming about the way she had thought. She wanted to be overjoyed at expecting their first grandchild. Instead she was allowing horrible thoughts to stay in her head and she knew better. Lord, I need your wisdom so desperately, and right now I feel like you’ve turned your back. I know in my head that you promised to always, always be with me, but what do I do? She could feel a wail wanting to erupt. She forced herself to concentrate on fixing their supper. Anything to shut off the voices arguing in her head.
José had called while Kirsten was out on her errands and said his phone was fixed so she could call him at any time. While she’d passed the message on, she’d not heard them talking. She turned the pork chops to low and set the bowl of applesauce out on the table. Maybe she should have invited him over for supper, but that might have really set off the fireworks here.
“Supper’s ready.” She called up the stairs and again at the office door. No answer from either of them. She could hear Marcus on the phone, so she stuck her head in the door and waved to get his attention. “How long?”
He flashed five fingers.
She climbed the stairs to check on Kirsten and found her sound asleep with Patches keeping vigilance. After draining the potatoes, she turned the burner to the lowest, same for the pork chops; the corn in the microwave would reheat just fine.
She dialed Keira on her cell phone as she headed for her chair. “Hi, you got a minute? What all did Bjorn have to say about the trip?”
“He was tired, so he took a nap. Said it seemed like the trip back took forever. They stopped to sleep in Kansas City and then came on home. He said it looks like a war zone down there.”
“Is he coming to the meeting?”
“I guess so. He said they’re talking about taking another truckload down. The Red Cross is in place now so there are cots for people to sleep in but they have to go to the next town over to find buildings intact. School buses are hauling people around.”
Leah heard Marcus moving around. “I need to go get supper on the table. Talk later.”
After grace, Marcus ate quickly without volunteering anything.
The questions Leah asked received one-word replies. Yes, no, and a shrug. On one hand she understood his preoccupation, but on the other… She cut her pork chop with unnecessary force.
Marcus wiped his mouth with his napkin and rose. “I might be late.”
“You’re welcome.”
But if he heard her, he gave no sign and, grabbing his jacket off the row of pegs by the door, left.
Leah dished up some more applesauce and finished her supper. This wasn’t the first meal she’d eaten alone and it most likely wouldn’t be her last. Maybe this crisis right now was a really good thing for him. Gave him time to step back from their family situation and gain some perspective. And maybe not. She fixed a plate for Kirsten, covered it with plastic wrap, and put it along with the leftovers in the refrigerator. Fixing a pot of tea, she took that into her room and, settling in her chair, picked up the stitchery she’d been working on. With oldies but goodies on the stereo she located her place on the pattern and counted the number of stitches of the medium tan on her needle. She knew she should be working on the pictures but tonight she couldn’t force herself to do that. At least cross-stitching was mindless.
All the things that she and Marcus should be discussing came tromping into her head. What if Kirsten kept the baby? What would that mean to the two of them? Did God want them to rear the child? Give Kirsten a chance at the life she dreamed of? School without mother responsibilities? Med school, if that is what she continued to want? But I’m too old to be a mother again. I thought we were done with that. Grandparenting sounds great, but raising another child? Please, we were looking forward to an empty nest. It’s not fair. She caught herself, not fair is right but whoever said life was fair—one of her trademark comments when one of her kids had wailed that. And what did Marcus think of all this? After all, he still had not talked with his daughter, let alone discussed having a baby in the house full time. True, Leah loved babies, loved little kids and big kids, but they’d already done all that. Visions of ball teams and Scouts—either Brownies or Cub Scouts—Sunday school and fevers in the night. Teething and teaching a two-year-old to share.
“I don’t want to do all that again. I want to cheer my children on while they do the parenting!” She stabbed her needle into the fabric. “Ouch!” She stuck her finger into her mouth. Even rounded needles could puncture when used with enough force.
Sometime later, Kirsten stood in the doorway, yawning widely. “I missed supper.”
“I called but when I checked on you, you were out and Patches warned me off. I fixed you a plate.”
“I’ll bring it in here, okay?”
“Okay.” When her daughter was seated, Leah poured herself some tea and laid her stitching in her lap. Closing her eyes, she let her mind wander with the soaring trumpet.
“I’ll call to schedule a doctor’s appointment.”
“Good. Do you want me to go along or not?”
“I don’t know. Mom, Dad still isn’t talking to me, other than in the car before graduation.”
“He’s not really talking to me either. Perhaps an oversight. He’s totally involved in the relief effort, coordinating with other churches in our area. This will let up soon.”
“I sure hope you’re right. I can’t stand this silent treatment. Yell at me, scream, whatever, but…” She leaned over, twitched a tissue out of the box, and blew her nose. After a deep breath in and out, she sniffed and continued. “I start work in Uncle Bjorn’s office tomorrow. Only two days a week. Wish I could find something else too.”
“Have you thought about posting a house-sitting and/or pet-sitting business? Or yard work?”
“No, but those are good ideas. Where?”
“Oh, at the senior center, the grocery store, wherever you see bulletin boards. Tell as many people as you can that you are looking for work. Babysitting doesn’t pay enough to help you out, but that might be better than nothing.”
“All things I could plan around working for Uncle Bjorn.”
“Right.” Dear daughter, how far ahead are you thinking? Just this summer.
Kirsten set her plate on the floor. “Life isn’t very fair, is it?”
“No, God never promised fair. He promised to stay with us no matter what we have to go through.” Here I am telling her what I most need to hear. Thank you, Lord, for the reminder.
“He could have prevented the pregnancy.” Kirsten huddled back in the chair, as if needing the comfort of the wings around her.
“So could you have. Our actions always have consequences, good or bad.”
Kirsten made a face. “Don’t I know it. I’d give anything if I could live that night over again and come straight home after. We had such a nice dinner, celebrating José’s awards.” Her voice took on a wistful tone, like a little girl lost.
“There are a lot of things we wish like that. Staying away from the edge of a cliff is the best way to keep from falling over.” Leah stitched in the silence. She looked up when she heard a sniff.
“Mom, what am I going to do?” Kirsten’s voice was soggy with tears.
“There are no easy answers, that’s for sure.” Leah prayed again as she followed her thinking. Wisdom, compassion, love, she needed them all. “On one hand you give the baby up for adoption. Yes, you’ve spent nine months of your life but you saved a life.” How could this be her, sounding so clinical as if this were any baby, not her first grandchild.
“But is that the best for the baby?”
“Only God knows the future for sure, not me. But with life, there is hope. Always there is hope.”
“Right.”
But the look Leah caught screamed hopeless.
Kirsten studied her cuticles for a short eternity before continuing. “I
f I do decide to give the baby up, how can I get José to agree?”
“Two questions with hard answers.” The silence was broken by sniffs from both chairs. “He called, you know.”
“I know. I just don’t want to talk to him right now.” She rushed into the next sentence. “Is the fetus really just a bunch of cells right now? A nonviable bunch of cells?”
Wisdom! Wisdom! “Well, that’s what the books say and it’s true it cannot live on its own, out of the womb. But God knows each baby and gives it a soul, and a name, right from the beginning.” Take it easy, Leah ordered herself. Act as if this were not your daughter talking but someone else’s.
“How can we know that for absolutely sure? I read all the stuff we worked with. I’ve seen the pictures and the videos. But how do we know that for sure?” She reached for a tissue. “It would be over and I wouldn’t have to—to be afraid and have Dad hating me.” The last words came out in a rush.
“He doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t like what you did, but he doesn’t hate you.” Please, Lord, pour out the wisdom here.
“But I don’t want to be pregnant!” The cry turned into a wail. “I want to be me and have fun this summer with my friends and go on the missions trip and—and I hate this.” Kirsten flung herself out of the chair and staggered up the stairs.
“So do I. So do I. I never thought to be in this kind of a mess either.” Tipping her head against the chair cushion, Leah ached for her daughter. “Lord, I hate this too and I’m sure you’re not real happy with it either. Please help us. If she decides to go with the abortion, we have no legal way to stop her. She doesn’t even have to tell us. Thank you that she is talking with me. How I wish I could take the burden.”
A baby. This time next year they would have a grandchild. But not if she put the baby up for adoption. God, what was right? What was best?
She heard Marcus drive into the garage and open the back door. He let Patches out, telling her to hurry up and get her business done. In a bit he opened the door again. The normal sounds of any of hundreds of evenings in their house. Only it wasn’t a normal evening.
Marcus came into her room and sank into the other wingback chair that Kirsten had vacated only a few minutes before. He saw the plate on the floor and picked it up, shaking his head.
“How did it go?”
“Well. The committee is pretty much taking over the project. Bjorn will be in contact with John so I can step back. That’s as it should be.” He tipped his head from side to side.
“Headache?”
“A bit. Just tension, I think. A good night’s sleep would help.”
“I can sure relate to that.” She watched her husband, seeing the deeper lines in his face, the sadness in his eyes. Was the congregation seeing how he looked and wondering if something was wrong? Or was she the only one who could see it?
“I thought you were working tonight.”
“Tomorrow night and Thursday. Marcus, we have to talk.”
“I know, but I am not thinking clearly—too tired.”
“Kirsten is convinced you hate her.” There, she’d said the words, painful to be sure.
“Oh, for crying out loud. I don’t hate her.” He frowned and tipped his head against the cushions. “But every time I look at her, I want to scream. José too. I get so deep-down angry.”
“I see.” But she didn’t, not really. Disappointed, heartbroken, sad, but for her the anger had dissipated. These two young people and that baby they shared were all that mattered now. Children, that’s what they really were, caught in an adult situation they were not prepared for.
“You’ve got to talk with her.”
“I know.” He kept his eyes closed. “All these years, since she was little, all she’s talked about is being a doctor, making people better. Remember when she’d bandage up all her dolls and the dog? This missions trip—she plans to help in the clinic like she did before.” He shook his head slowly from side to side. “There’s no way she can do that if she has a baby to care for, provide for.” He opened his eyes and stared at his wife. “What are we going to do? I thought of us raising the baby and my whole mind and body went into revolt. We raised our children, there are things we want to do now.” His groan came from the depths of his being. “God help me, I’ve even thought about abortion.”
“So have I and so has she. The easy way out for now but with a lifetime of repercussions. Remember all the work we did against abortion? We were so sure of ourselves, so committed, so pious.”
“You surely aren’t thinking of suggesting to her that she go through with such a thing?”
“All I’m telling you is that the thought has crossed my mind. You need to understand that this is her decision, according to law now.”
“No one need ever know.”
The weariness in his voice and face tore at her heart. She’d never seen him like this, not even after his mother died.
“That’s what they tout. But you know it will get out somehow. And even if it doesn’t… we’ll know.”
“I keep ordering Satan to take his lies and stories elsewhere and leave my family alone but…” Leah’s head shook of its own accord.
“He comes roaring back—I know well. What if we encouraged her? Then we are accomplices.” He stared at the ceiling as if hoping to find answers there. “I want this all over with as badly as anyone. Have you thought about what the elders will say when they learn of this? I can be let go because I can’t control my own family; so according to scripture, I am no longer fit to lead the church. This congregation, my church.”
Chapter Sixteen
Aren’t you getting a bit carried away with all this?” Bjorn asked at the breakfast table in the morning. “What time did you come to bed last night? It was past midnight when I left you still sorting through those boxes.”
Keira turned from the griddle where she was turning french toast; sausages were already draining, waiting for the plates. “Bjorn, I have to know.”
“But what if you never find out anything more?”
“Then that is as it is. But I have to give it my best shot.” She set the plates on the table and brought the coffeepot over to refill Bjorn’s cup and her own.
“What difference is it going to make?” He spread butter on the hot slices and poured on the warmed syrup. “In the long run, you know?”
She sat down and stared at him. He still didn’t get it, this need within her to know, to find out all that she could. “I don’t know, but it is necessary. For me, it is.”
“I mean, think on it. How has finding that birth certificate changed one thing about your life today?”
“Other than eating up hours on research?” She knew she sounded sarcastic but at the moment she didn’t much care. How could he not understand how important this was to her?
“Come on, Keira. Think it through. You’re getting carried away with this search.”
“And what’s so bad with carried away? I’m not hurting anyone or costing us any money. Why can’t you encourage me rather than attack me?”
He shoved his chair back. “Oh for Pete’s sake. Try to have a reasonable discussion and you get all emotional about it. I’ll see you at the office.” The last line he threw over his shoulder as he left the room.
“Maybe not.”
“You have to be there to train Kirsten. She starts today, remember?”
No, she didn’t remember. She woke up thinking she’d start reading through the letters she found last night. Years ago she had learned that hurt feelings led to anger and right now, she knew that for sure. The nerve of him. And as usual, he’d get her riled up and then walk out of the room. She finished her french toast and drank her coffee. It would be so easy to call Kirsten and tell her to start tomorrow, but she knew that wasn’t fair.
“How can men be so obtuse?” she muttered as she loaded the dishwasher. “If it was his family, he’d want to know some answers.” She pulled the short ribs from the meat compartment and dumped them into the Croc
k-Pot, then added the rest of the ingredients and set the timer for eight hours. The stew would be ready for dumplings when she got home.
She hit the number for Leah. “There are stacks of pictures here if you want to come and get them. Or go through them here. I’m working today.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Oh, Bjorn thinks I’m overreacting and wasting my time on this search. Ticked me off.”
“Did you find anything else about That Man?”
“No, nothing new. Nothing helpful.” She heard the front door click shut. “I better run and get ready. I can give Kirsten a ride if she wants.”
“I’ll tell her. Maybe we’ll find something in the letters.”
Keira clicked off and headed for the shower.
Kirsten was waiting by the car when Keira went out. “Hey, K-girl, how does it feel to be out of school?”
“Good. Thanks for the ride.” The two climbed into the car and headed across town to the office.
“I thought I’d start you on data. I have a bunch of stuff that needs inputting. How are your typing skills?”
“Not the greatest. I topped at sixty words a minute but I’m accurate.”
“Good. The computer is all set up and so is the stack of documents. I scan them in, then go over them to make sure there are no errors.”
“Okay.”
“Not very creative, but necessary. If you have any questions, ask.”
With Kirsten settled in the back room, Keira sat down at her desk and flipped through the message slips. Mostly for Bjorn. As if she wanted to even go into his office. Putting them in order of importance, she waited until he was on the phone and then set them on his desk, no smile, no word, and left.
She heard Kirsten’s cell phone ringing and her answering it. They needed to discuss the rule of no cell phone calls during office hours other than lunch. But she didn’t stay on long and Keira worked on the stack of correspondence. She decided she’d have Kirsten prepare the cards for the June birthdays, have Bjorn sign them, and then she would. Making a list of tasks needing to be caught up on took a few minutes. With so much of their work on the computer now, there weren’t so many files and other menial things for a beginner.
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