“So think what a shock it was to find out my mother had been in that same place. My mother, queen of truth, no lies allowed. And you know, she didn’t just talk the life, she walked the walk.”
“I thought of something.”
“What?”
“Remember what Jesus said, something along the lines of him who is forgiven much, will love more. No, that’s not right. But maybe the knowledge that she had that huge failing and God forgave her is what helped make her love so unconditionally. She’d found that love and wanted others to have it too. You think?”
“Could be. Oh, the questions I would love to ask her. That’s still one of the hardest parts of all this, not being able to ask her questions. I wonder if she debated keeping her baby—me—or putting me up for adoption. What if?” Keira rolled her lips together and looked skyward. “Is Kirsten thinking of putting the baby up for adoption or keeping it?”
“She doesn’t know yet, but she sure is adamant that she will not get married.”
“Think about it. What if my mother had put me up for adoption?”
The question fell like a pebble in a pond, sending out ripples clear to the banks.
“I cannot comprehend a life without you. That’s another thing to put on the ‘thank you, Lord’ list. I am praying that God gives our daughter wisdom beyond her years and the ability to do what is best for this baby.”
“Amen.” Keira nodded as she studied the liquid in her cup, then looked up at Leah. “I think it is time to tell Kirsten about her grandmother, what little we do know for sure.”
“You should tell her father first.”
“But he’ll be gone. I can tell him when he gets back, but I think Kirsten needs to know this before she and José make any final plans, not that at this point, plans can’t be changed.”
“Let’s play it by ear. I hate to see Marcus all strung out again when he’s just feeling somewhat back together.”
Both women waved Marcus off as the big truck stopped on the street in front of the house. He promised to see them in two days, and, after setting his cooler and small duffle behind the seat, climbed in.
“Will he do some of the driving?” Keira asked.
“I have no idea. He has driven a truck before, so who knows. What’s Bjorn doing?”
“He had an appointment that he put off until after the service. Then he went to Uppsala to meet these people. He should be back soon.”
“I am going to put away all the mess from getting the book together, and then Kirsten and I will go for burgers. And then Betty and José are coming over.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Kirsten has asked us to referee a discussion between her and José so they don’t fight. I jokingly suggested a referee and she took me up on it. Then I would like to take a bubble bath, relax, and read a book until the water turns cold.”
“Make sure you don’t fall asleep and drown the book.” That had happened a few years earlier and had been a joke between them ever since.
Keira stopped at the gate. “Guess I’ll head on home then. If you need anything, holler.”
“Hey, if you need a research assistant, I’m volunteering.”
“I’ll take you up on it.”
Leah had her room back in shape again but for the three plastic containers with all the pictures sorted by year and packets ready of pictures she had sorted out that other family members might want to have. Those were filed in another box. She heard the screen door bang.
“Mom?”
“In my room.”
“Are we going out for supper?” Kirsten appeared in the doorway. “You’ve been busy.”
“I thought maybe this would be a cozy room to have our discussion in.”
“I guess. I’m hungry.”
“Okay, we’ll go. Where you been?”
“Got my first job from the flyers. I weeded flower beds for this lady who has a broken foot and hasn’t been able to get out much. I go back on Monday to finish it. I’m going to suggest that I can plant some things for her, if she wants. Her yard usually looks so pretty.”
“Just think, all those years weeding here is now paying off. We trained you well.” Leah slung her bag over her shoulder. “Let’s go. You drive.”
José’s empty car was in the driveway when they returned. They found Betty and José on the loungers on the patio.
“This is so lovely out here, we decided to not sit in the car but enjoy this.” Betty made a sweeping gesture to encompass the yard.
“Thank you. I have iced tea in the fridge if you’d like. José, you know where the sodas are kept. Help yourself.” Leah smiled at him. “I’ve missed you around here.”
“Thank you.” He looked to Kirsten. “You ready?”
She nodded. “In the lair.”
When they were settled with drinks and snacks, a silence stretched. Kirsten finally cleared her throat. “Thank you for coming. I guess we could start this like a debate. Flip a coin and see who talks first. Mom and Betty are here to listen and offer advice if they think of something that could help. Is this all right?” This question she directed to José, who nodded.
“Okay. You want to flip or call?”
“You flip, I’ll call.” He dug a quarter out of his pocket. “Here.” Kirsten flipped the coin and he called tails. She lifted her hand. “It’s yours. You get to talk first.”
“Okay.” He reminded her that his idea was to get married immediately, move in with Betty, and both work until school started and then he would go to school whenever he was not working, so his schedule depended on his job. “I want our baby to have two parents who love each other and love our baby too.”
Kirsten listened, watching his face and body language. She nodded and made sure she didn’t flinch when he said he would work and go to school. “We didn’t say if we could ask questions. What do you think?”
José shrugged. “In debate we each talked first and then questions.”
“Right. So are you finished?” At his nod, she glanced at her list again. “I want to make something clear right up front. José, I love you and I want what is best for each of us—you, the baby, and me. I have to say I have made no decisions on what to do next except work this summer and go day by day. This is all new and I am asking God to lead us on the right path, which might not be the easy way. No, that’s not what I meant. Nothing is easy about this. I want you, José, to go to Northwestern on your scholarship as you have planned and dreamed for years. This way you will be able to provide for your family in the way you want to, not in subsistence jobs. I will go to McGrath to CC and should be able to complete the fall session since this baby is supposed to come at Christmas. I will live here with my parents and when we all decide whether we keep our baby or put it up for adoption, then I will decide what to do next. I think this long-term plan will be better for all of us in the future.”
While she was speaking she watched José school his face, like he did on the debate team. But she knew him well enough to recognize his disagreement.
“Now we can call for questions.” Leah smiled at both Kirsten and José. “Kirsten, since you listened first, you get to question first.”
“I don’t have any questions at this point. No, yes, I do.” She looked straight into José’s eyes. “Do you still want to be a doctor?”
He nodded. “Someday.”
“That’s all I have.”
“You said, ‘I will make the decision,’ regarding what happens to the baby. This is my baby too, and I think I should have a say in what we do.”
“But what if we never agree?”
“I don’t know.”
“Sometimes you have to compromise,” Betty said gently. “Sometimes you have to step back and let God do the leading, the decision making. Life is always best if we do the ‘letting God’ first.”
If only we had done that, we wouldn’t be in this situation. Kirsten stilled herself. “José, remember our class on life management? All the things we learned about costs and e
xpenses and managing homes and jobs and family? Remember how she said that more couples divorce over money problems than any other reason? And that education is crucial to becoming the people we would like to be?” Kirsten knew she was pleading and debating didn’t allow for that, but she had to make him understand and—please, God—agree.
He nodded, his voice grew clipped, but he paused, took in a deep breath, and continued in a debating tone. “But this is a real baby, not a hardboiled egg, and there are couples who make it.” He nodded to his grandmother. “I have a good example right here.”
Okay, Lord, what can we agree on? Kirsten glanced at her mother, who nodded, closed her eyes for a second, and put her palms together. Kirsten almost laughed. Her mother was indeed praying, why had she doubted? Taking in a deep breath, she exhaled and started again, feeling her way along as she went.
“José, can we agree that I cannot go away to school right now but you could? This is exploration, okay? Can we agree on that?”
He stared into her eyes and finally answered. “Yes.”
“Can we agree that our education is critically important?”
“We have always said that.”
“Yes or no?”
“Yes. But I will get my education, it’ll just take longer.”
“Okay. You have a strong will and a great deal of determination. What if education is your job and this baby is my job?”
“A baby needs both a mother and a father.”
“I agree. But there might be other ways of solving this that we have not looked into yet. Things like student housing and college services, that if you were at Northwestern, you could look into. We wouldn’t be the first to be in this situation, that’s for sure.” She paused for a moment, letting an idea germinate. “And besides, there is nothing you can do for this baby until after it is born, right?”
“True.”
“Then what if we postpone this discussion until we have more information, and in the meantime, agree to disagree on the parts neither one of us wants to bend on?” Kirsten felt her eyes widen. Where had that idea come from? It sure hadn’t been on her list.
He tightened his jaw and stared into her eyes. “So we’d be apart. You’d be here, going through all this alone.”
“No, I’ll be able to live at home with my parents while still going to school.” Along with growing a baby. And hopefully working part time. Where she would get the energy to do all that was something else she would deal with later. Someone had told her it didn’t make a whole lot of difference where one went to school her freshman year. She sure hoped that was correct.
His eyes narrowed, his jaw taut. “Do you promise that you will make no decisions that concern us and the baby without talking with me first? And listening to me too.”
Kirsten closed her eyes and clamped her lower lip between her teeth, fighting the flame of anger his stubbornness caused to flare. After all, she was the one who called the meeting, debate, whatever you wanted to call it. Compromise. There had to be compromise. “I promise.”
All four of them released held breath at the same time, all in a whoosh.
Gentle applause came from the two women listening so carefully.
Kirsten sank down into a chair, sending José a tentative smile. “I think I saw ice cream in our freezer. The rest of you want to join me in strawberry sundaes? For a change, I’m really hungry.” Would that someday soon they’d be able to discuss things again without referees.
The next morning Kirsten was dressed for her gardening job and heading out the door when Keira came through the gate.
After the greeting Keira put a hand on Kirsten’s arm. “I know you are off to plant, but can I take a couple of minutes to tell you something?”
Kirsten stared at her aunt. This sounded serious. “Sure. You want to ride with me to the nursery while I pick up her plants? Or…?”
“That’s a good idea. I need some more geraniums. Let me go get my purse.”
When they were both in the car, Kirsten turned from buckling her seat belt. “So, what’s the secret?” Was that a flinch she saw? This was indeed getting interesting. One did not see Aunt Keira uncomfortable very often.
Keira chewed the inside of her cheek. “You know your mother and I have been doing a lot of research for the family memory book and I had to find my birth certificate to get my passport?”
“Yeah, because of the reunion and all that.”
“Right. Well, when I found your father’s and my birth certificates, behind the picture of him and me that always hung in the sewing room…”
“Grandma stuck them behind a picture? Why?”
Keira shook her head, a half smile in place. “Who knows, but we have found a lot of things behind pictures and under drawers. Money, important papers, poetry, other pictures, a wealth of stuff. She was a pack rat of the first order, as you well know.”
“Drove Daddy nutso.”
“I know.” Keira paused to take a breath. “Well, when I read my birth certificate, it said ‘father unknown.’ ”
“Wait a minute. Grandpa was your father.”
“That’s what I thought too.” Keira blew out a breath. “I felt like someone had chopped off part of my life.”
“So…” Kirsten thought about the conversation for a few long moments. “So who is your real father—or rather, your biological father?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’ve continued searching. We have found a few things that make me think the man’s name is Sam. I’ve read all the letters Mother kept and I’ve been trying to get ahold of Aunt Helga. She’s the last living member of the family, and according to the letters she knew at least some of the facts.”
“She’ll be here for the reunion.”
“Yes.”
“So you never knew.” She turned to watch her aunt’s face. “What if she had given you up for adoption?”
“I know, I’ve thought about that a lot. I was angry and confused for a while…”
“Why?”
“Because she always said to tell the truth, no matter what, and here she’d been living a lie all those years. And now I can’t ask her any questions.”
Kirsten shook her head slowly, still watching her aunt, who was now staring straight out the windshield. “All these years she kept the secret. Guess there’s been a lot of secret keeping around here lately. What did Daddy say when you told him?”
“I haven’t told him yet. With all that went on, I couldn’t lay one more shock on him.”
“I can’t believe Grandma did that.” Like her father, she tapped a finger on the steering wheel. “So what if this Sam is still alive?”
“I’ve thought of that, then decided I would have to cross that bridge if and when I came to it.” Keira looked back at Kirsten. “I just thought, since you have so many decisions you have to make, that it was important for you to know this.”
“So you’ll tell Dad when he gets home?”
“Right.”
“But he thought Grandma could walk on water.”
“I know, that’s why I hate to tell him. But I will. I’m really tired of trying to keep secrets. They can eat you alive.”
Kirsten reached a hand to pat her aunt’s arm. “I’m sorry you had such a shock. Grandma and Grandpa kept you, but I don’t know what to do about this baby yet. I just want what’s the very best for him or her.”
“And you and José too.”
Kirsten turned the key in the ignition. “You know what Mom always says is one bad thing about weeding and planting?” Keira shook her head. “Too much time to think.”
That evening, lying on her bed, Kirsten thought back to the conversation with her aunt. So Grandma got pregnant before the wedding too. She would have understood, or had she forgotten all about those early years? The more she thought about it, the more questions danced into her mind. Was Keira born before or after Grandma and Grandpa were married? The way she understood it, the father was another man. Did they just pretend the baby came early, li
ke they did in books?
She closed her eyes and pictured her baby. Boy or girl, it didn’t really matter. She would bathe him, and dress him in the cute clothes she saw in stores. Like the babies she played with in the nursery at church. She loved to make them smile and try talking, waving fat little fists. Maybe that’s the medical field she really wanted to go into. Pediatrics, helping babies and small children get well again. Her mind ranged to Kirby; she’d known him since he was born. He’d been a favorite in the nursery and at times she babysat for him. Tears gathered at the edge of her eyes. Babies, little kids, should never die. She and José could help change that. She had to get to school too. She laid her hand on her belly. Was she strong enough to go to school, raise a baby, and help keep food on the table?
Chapter Twenty-Six
One week and one day till the reunion. Keira stared at the calendar. Surely that couldn’t be right. She studied her to-do list, which seemed to grow longer day by day no matter how hard they worked.
“Maybe looking at this list where things are checked off would be more encouraging.” Leah handed her the list from three days earlier. With all of them working, the yard at the home place now looked ready for company. After Marcus returned from the relief trip, he and Bjorn spent three days mowing, edging, and weeding. Leah and Keira cleaned the house and labeled all the pieces Dagmar had designated be given to certain people. Kirsten and Lindsey washed the windows, along with making and posting signs telling the guests where to camp and park.
Keira handed back the list. “Thanks. What have you heard from the printer?”
“She didn’t return my call and then I forgot to call back.” Leah dug her cell phone out of her pocket. “Answering machine,” she growled after giving her information.
“Maybe you and Marcus ought to go over there.”
“Why Marcus?”
“Because sometimes having a man along can help, especially the well-known Marcus Sorenson. Use any clout you can.”
“This really makes me crazy. They said they’d be done.”
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