Chapter 9
“Ian called for you.” Ella mentioned as Karina slumped down onto the lounge next to her best friend. “I know he left a message on my phone”. Karina said deflated as she undid her ponytail and let her long blonde hair fall around her shoulders. She didn’t know how to handle the way she had left things with him, and if she told him the things she had discussed with her family he would think she was crazy.
“How did lunch go?” Ella asked, the bathroom door clicked open and Rick came out of the hall and sat next to Ella, putting his arm around her. “Hey,” he said in Karina’s direction but with no actual interest in a conversation.
She stood and headed for the door “I’m going for a walk.”
“Karina!” Ella called as she closed the door.
Karina headed to the harbour in the hope of walking off her frustration. She sat on the same park bench she had first met Xavier and let her mind wander. Memories of Ian danced through her mind. Memories of the first time they met. It was at university, and Karina had been sitting on the grass next to the duck pond with Ella. The two friends lay in the sun letting the rays warm them, they had biology in the afternoon and had known there would be nothing warm or comforting about that. Karina could hear Ella’s breath getting deeper and knew her friend was almost asleep. She inhaled deeply and let the plethora of aromas consume her. The cafeteria catered for every culinary taste available. She had been able to make out the soft aromatics of cumin and almond and the sharper sesame and chilli of the Asian food available. Meat, oh how she missed meat! Ella had convinced Karina to become vegetarian, but somehow it was not going to last for long. She sat up, her stomach craving a kebab or burger or the closest meat product she could get her hands on. That was when she noticed a man staring at her from across the duck pond. He didn’t look away when Karina noticed his staring, his head was cocked to one side and he gazed intently. He had seemed to be studying her, which made Karina feel self conscious and she looked over her shoulder, for the person she obviously thought he was staring at. When she noticed no one else in his line of sight, she realised he was looking at her. His sandy blonde hair glowed in the sunlight; his skin pale but somehow radiant. He looked at Karina with a sense of knowing and somehow he seemed relieved, like he had found something he had been searching for, for a long time. He slowly made his way over and sat beside her, staring for a moment longer than Karina felt comfortable with. She looked at him with anticipation, waiting for him to say something, anything. His bold blue eyes were striking and intense. He smiled and Karina felt warmth wash over her, a sense of security she knew she shouldn’t have felt at this creepy stranger sitting next to her. “Something I can help you with?” Karina finally asked.
The man beside her had seemed to snap back to the present. “I’m so sorry, how rude of me,” his voice had a thick accent she thought was Scottish or Irish “I couldn’t help but stare.” He looked away shamefully.
A car horn beeped behind her, returning Karina to the present and she turned to see Ian’s car pulling into the curb. Karina walked slowly to the car as Ian lowered the window “Hi. Did you get my message?” his voice sounding desperate.
“Yes, I got it. I’ve had a horrible day,” Karina said shaking her head.
“Hop in and we’ll get a coffee and you can tell me all about it.”
Karina reluctantly opened the door and slipped inside. Ian was the one person she felt she could rely on above all else to just listen and not pass judgement, but how could she possibly tell him what had happened? She would need to explain Xavier, which was another conversation she did not want to have. She let Ian take her to a cafe north along the coastline, he ordered Monterey fries with a side of sour cream and sweet chilli sauce and pushed the plate towards Karina He knew food was Karina’s vice, she was not much of a drinker and definitely didn’t smoke or do any drugs. Deep fried, comfort food was her weapon of choice. She stared at the plate, her mouth salivating for the melted cheese and bacon goodness in front of her. Somewhere under all that cheese was a mountain of fries that Karina wanted to smother in sour cream and sweet chilli sauce and devour until she felt the hole inside her filled. She knew this would not solve her problem and absolutely not make her feel any better so she pushed the plate back to the middle of the table. Ian eyed her with concern; the lines beside his eyes creasing deeper than she had ever seen them. She always imagined Ian as a youthful good looking older man. His blonde hair would eventually transition into a handsome shade of grey. His posture stiffened, he knew everything about Karina, everything that would make her happy when she was sad. Maybe that was the problem she thought to herself. Things were too familiar between them, he knew how to fix her and she knew what his reaction would be if she told him the truth.
“Things must be bad if you’re turning down Monterey fries.” Ian joked, trying to break the awkward silence between them “Did you have lunch with your family today?”
Karina nodded as she picked up a chip and stretched the melted cheese grasping to it with greasy desperation. “Yep,” she said as a deep sigh escaped her.
“Is everything ok?” Ian continued to probe, his hand twitched nervously on the table. Karina knew he wanted to hold her hand, tell her everything would be ok.
Karina rolled the chip over and over again in the sour cream and then left it on the side of the plate, wiping her oily fingers on her napkin. “Yiayia was her usual reserved self when I told her about us,” she looked up into Ian’s face.
He smiled consolingly back at her, his hand reaching across the table and toward hers then stopping just before their fingers touched “I imagine it was hard for you.”
Karina nodded “She just expects me to get married and have kids and that’s my whole life, being someone’s wife and mother. What if I want more than that?”
Ian’s face fell slightly and his hand moved away from hers “You think having those things will make you lose your identity?” It was more a summation than a question.
Karina could feel the lump growing in her throat, she had never been this open with what she wanted with Ian before, and they had discussed marriage and children. But now she felt like she had been agreeing to Ian’s plans all along. “I don’t know what I want anymore Ian. This last week my world has been flipped upside down,” Karina took a deep breath, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.
Ian was silent for a long moment “Maybe you should speak to someone about it, a professional.”
“I don’t need a shrink!” she hissed through her teeth and Ian flinched at her abruptness “I just need time Ian. I thought you of all people would understand that.”
“I do, but it’s ok to ask for help and you of all people should understand that.”
Karina stood “Don’t patronise me,” she growled as she stormed out of the cafe, Ian close behind her. He waited until they were out of earshot of the other patrons before he stopped her. Taking her hand then spinning her round to face him. He took her shoulders gently in his hands, tears were marking a path down her cheeks and he held her to him “I’m sorry I hurt you,” he whispered to her and kissed the top of her head.
Raising her face to look at Ian she let her emotions flood out. “You want things to work out between us but everything is so familiar. I knew you would call today and I knew that if I didn’t return your call you would show up. Everything is exactly the same and that’s the reason we broke up, we lost interest because everything was so predictable. I need spontaneity Ian, not familiarity.”
“Please don’t do this,” he pleaded. Karina couldn’t bear to look Ian in the face any longer; she knew the pain she was causing.
“I have to, if things are going to work, then I need to walk away. We both need to clear our heads and decide if it’s worth fighting for, because the way things are at the moment, it’s not. I’m sorry.” Karina took Ian’s face in her hands and gave him a last kiss goodbye then walked away.
The Beast Within Page 9