Clover

by Lisa Jade

  But then I turn to my brother, to his troubled eyes, and the good feeling’s gone.

  “Can I do anything?” I ask, stepping closer, “anything at all, just tell me. I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

  “I know you would. But there’s nothing. Don’t worry so much. I decided to lead the Clover, so I’m the one who should be worrying about this stuff, not you. You just got home. Enjoy it, Noah.”

  His voice fades when he says my name, and there’s a pang of guilt in my chest. He doesn’t like calling me that. In his eyes, Noah is a false name given to me by the very people who tore me away from my home. Noah is a relic of the place I was held. Of the confused, angry stranger who showed up at his door. He’d much rather call me Ada – as would many of the others, I’m sure. But I won’t let them. I can’t help it. Even if we happen to be the same person, I can’t think of myself as her. Ada is that sweet little kid on Jensen’s screens. I’m Noah. I don’t think that’ll ever change.

  Something clatters just behind us. Nate and some of the others, stepping into the Atrium. Several of them look our way and smirk, perhaps mistaking our shared concern for a sweet family moment. The notion’s almost laughable; no matter how happy I am to be back here, I don’t think I’ll ever be one for a family heart-to-heart. Already, the grief that I’d felt after escaping the Guards is cause for embarrassment. That I cried at the screen, that I screeched my real name at Jensen in the street – all a source of humiliation. That’s not me.

  Luckily, the others seem to accept it. They don’t remind me of those times, don’t pressure me to say things I don’t want to. Not that I sometimes don’t want to talk about things like that; but they leave it to me. I’m grateful for that.

  Nate waves.

  “Jay, you actually doing some physical labour for once?”

  Jay smirks.

  “Don’t be silly, Nate. I’m the brains of the operation, remember?”

  “If you say so, buddy. Hey, Little Young?”

  I bite back on a scathing reply at the use of that damned nickname. Since finding out the truth, Nate’s taken to calling me Little Young at every given opportunity. It’s awful, so instead of replying I just shoot him an irritated glare.

  “Ooh, if looks could kill,” he chortles, “anyway, come back over in a bit, okay? I’m in the middle of trying to build a new gauntlet for you and I need your thoughts.”

  I nod, though I don’t know what kind of input he expects from me. I hadn’t known just how good Nate was with his hands until I put that gauntlet to good use. Sure, I feel slightly guilty that I damaged it beyond repair in its first use, but it saved me from that shock baton, so I’d say it served its purpose.

  “Just be careful,” Jay warns me, “if he tries to get you to live test it, say no.”

  “Live test?”

  “Yeah,” he smiles, “a few years back, Nate decided to make me some electric-shock dusters. Just like the Guards’ shock batons, only smaller. Innovative, he said. One punch and they go down. Easy.”

  “Was it?”

  “Not exactly. He built them with the parts of an old shock baton, then decided I needed to live test them in a sparring match with him. Wrapped his limbs in rubber to try and protect himself. Of course, I’m a better fighter than him so I won easily; and as he tried to wriggle away, I accidentally caught him on a spot not covered by the rubber.”

  I wince, imagining the pain. While I’ve never been on the receiving end of a shock, I’ve been witness to their use. Perhaps the ones at the Mill are stronger, I’m not sure, but in my experience, a person’s lucky not to die from the shock. Even if the first flash of pain’s not too bad your body shuts down, going into shock from the injury. It’s not pleasant to watch.

  “Was he okay?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

  “Of course. Eventually. Took a few hours to get back on his feet, but then he was fine. I was scared to death, though. I was certain I’d killed him.”

  “So it wasn’t as strong as a baton?”

  “No, though it should have been. I never could figure out why it didn’t do more damage. It just knocked him out. You’d think he’d learnt his lesson after that, but no. He still tries to field test everything as much as he can.”

  I feel like I should laugh at that, to try to find the humour in his story. Instead, it just scares me. Unbidden images of Kane flash in my head. That kid’s too loud mouthed to keep to himself – chances are, he’s been on the receiving end of a shock at least once. That familiar guilt threatens to burst through again and I push it back. There’ll be a time to deal with that. Now’s not it.

  “It’s nice of Nate to rebuild the gauntlet, though. Especially after I destroyed the first one.”

  “The first one did what it was supposed to do, didn’t it? Hopefully, you’ll never have to use it. I don’t plan to put you in a situation like that ever again.”

  I stare.

  “But… I’m still going to help with the Cull, right?”

  “We can’t let them know who you are, remember?”

  “There’s something I can do. There has to be. I can drive the bikes for a quick getaway. I can set up more cameras for Jensen. I can help.”

  “No!”

  Suddenly his voice is hard, and I take a step back. Regret mingles with anger in his eyes.

  “I just got you back. I’m not risking losing you again, okay?”

  Something stirs in my stomach, a horrible, sickening realisation. Am I not going to be allowed to help them? After all we’ve been through, am I really being cut out of this?

  “That’s not fair.”

  “What’s not?”

  “You showed me that video, remember? It made me angry – it made me want to help! And now you’re telling me I can’t?”

  “It’s too risky!”

  “It wasn’t too risky when I was just Noah! Before I was Ada, you trusted me to do things. You trusted me to help you.”

  “You’re not going out there again, got that?”

  Anger flashes in his eyes – perhaps another time, that might frighten me. I might step back and apologise, do what I can to fix things. Instead, I feel indignant.

  “So you trust a stranger more than you trust your own sister?”

  “We are done talking about this. If you’re part of the Clover you follow my rules.”

  “By the sounds of it, I’m not part of the Clover!”

  Oh, no. I can feel my anger rising – when I open my mouth, it’s a shout that breaks out. For the first time, I’m raising my voice at him.

  “I don’t understand! You want me to stay, but I can’t do anything? Then why am I here? To make your point for you, to prove you were right? Is that all you wanted?”

  “Noah, that’s not…”

  “No! You can’t make me care this much and then refuse to let me help!”

  The Atrium’s fallen silent around us, and I can feel a dozen sets of eyes settling on me. I know I’m yelling. I know this isn’t okay. But I hate this. I hate it so much.

  “Noah,” he snarls, “this is not your fight.”

  I pause, suddenly breathless. All my indignation fades away, dissipating into nothing.

  “W-what? Of course it is. I thought I was a part of this.”

  “Well, you’re not. I’m happy you’re back. We all are. But that doesn’t mean you understand what’s going on. It doesn’t mean you’re in any state to help us.”

  “But…”

  “This fight’s been going on much longer than just sixteen years, you know. It’s big. Bigger than both of us, and certainly bigger than you. I know you want to help. I really do. But you still know practically nothing about this, and until that changes, I’m not going to put you at risk. It was different before – but if you’re going to be a part of this, you need to understand everything, and right now you don’t.”

  I feel deflated. It’s only been two weeks. It makes sense he doesn’t want me to help. Things are getting harder and like it or not, I don’t un
derstand everything. I look down at my mud-coated fingers, at the tiny scars and cuts there. At the physique that marks me out as little more than a Millchild. Just like I told Pan that first day. I’m not good for anything else.

  He’s right. It doesn’t matter that I’m Ada. I’m not her anymore. A lifetime spent on a farm has left me utterly worthless to the Clover. I thought I’d done so well, that I’d been a big help to them; but what he’s saying is true. This is bigger than me, and I can’t pretend to understand what’s really going on.

  But then I meet his eyes, full of pain and stubbornness, and I can’t stand here a moment longer.

  “You’re right,” I say as I walk past, “I don’t understand.”

  Pan finds me sulking in her room about a half hour later. Though they’ve offered me my own room I’ve turned them down, admitting that I quite like living with her. Pan seems happy enough for the company. But as she steps in to see me pacing angrily, her face falls.

  “Oh, no. What happened now?”

  “Nothing.”

  She settles down on a nearby chair.

  “Is this because of what Jay said?”

  “No.”

  “Yes, it is. Which bit bothers you? That he said you don’t understand everything?”

  “No!”

  “Then what?”

  For a moment I consider leaving the room, or barking at her to leave me alone. But then I catch sight of those pretty eyes again, and I know that even with my best effort, I’ll never be able to turn her away. I heave a sigh and slump down in the chair next to her.

  “I’m not even angry at him. I know there’s a lot I don’t really understand. But… there has to be something I can do.”

  “You know he’s only trying to do what’s right. Jay’s wanted his little sister back for years and now he has you, of course he’s a little scared of letting you go.”

  I sigh.

  “That makes sense. I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

  “He does trust you. He’s proven that before. He’s just using your inexperience as a reason to keep you here so you’re safe. With the Cull coming up, he has a lot to worry about already. It’s not that he doesn’t trust you to do a good job out there. It’s more that he’s scared of what might happen to you if he puts you at risk.”

  “So everything’s because he cares? There’s not even a little bit of him that thinks I’ll mess up?”

  She considers this.

  “Well, it’s true that you don’t know as much about the history of the Cull as the rest of us do. But that doesn’t mean you’re more likely to mess up. Those of us who were born and raised here have an advantage over you based on what we know. But you have advantages in your own way, too.”

  I pause.

  “Seriously? Aside from being able to chop wood for twelve hours a day, what can I do that you can’t?”

  She pauses for a moment, like she’s unsure what to say. With a quick glance behind her, she rubs a hand through her hair and sighs.

  “There is… one thing. But if I tell you what it is, you have to promise not to tell Jay. If he knew I’d even mentioned this to you, he’d kill me.”

  “I won’t say anything.”

  “Well, you know how we’re trying to convince people that more than one person might have survived the Cull?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Jay’s been talking about all these crazy theories,” she says, “hacking systems that might not exist, tricking one of the leaders into confessing everything… but I think I’ve found a better way. How did we find out about you?”

  I shuffle uncomfortably in my seat, not really wanting to recount the whole story.

  “I ended up here because of Rian. You tested me on your system.”

  “Bingo. So logically, the best way to see if it’s happened to more people is to do the same thing again, right? Get a bigger sample size. That way, we can put together statistics.”

  She’s right. It would be easier to just scan more people through the system.

  “But that won’t work,” I point out, “I’m the first person from the Mill in a while – how would we get more here to check? Wouldn’t we need their DNA?”

  “Yes, we would. I’ve thought this over, too. I requested more people from Rian, but he said it won’t work. The last two people he sent never came back, as far as the other Guards know. If he sends anyone else, they might get suspicious.”

  “So what do we do?”

  “Haven’t you figured it out yet?”

  She leans forward now, tilting her head at me. Whatever idea she has, she clearly thinks it’s obvious. I shrug.

  “I don’t know! Like Jay said. I don’t have a clue.”

  “Link it up, Noah. What can you do that nobody else can?”

  Suddenly, it dawns on me.

  “I can get into the Mill.”

  She claps loudly, her pretty face breaking into a triumphant grin.

  “Exactly! Since you’re already familiar to the Guards there, you’re the only person who could get back inside and try to get more people.”

  “You’re right,” I gasp, “even if you guys went there, you look too much like city folk. They’d see right through you.”

  “You, on the other hand, blend right in. You know how it works there. Not only that, but you’ve not even been gone a month yet. You could go back tomorrow for all they know, and they’d never question where you’ve been.”

  I consider this.

  “But what could I do from inside? There’s security everywhere.”

  “That’s the beauty of it. Jensen’s already mentioned that he can create a transmitter; a tiny device you can take with you. If you scan someone’s blood with it, the results can get sent straight here. We can find out the truth and get all the evidence we need, instantly.”

  “Wait, Jensen knows about this?”

  “Well, yeah. I brought it up to Jay in passing and got an earful – that’s probably why he got so defensive when you asked to help out. I’d already planted the idea in his head. As you might imagine, he’s not a fan.”

  “No. I guess this plan doesn’t work, after all. We can’t really do this behind his back.”

  She nods, but I can see in her eyes that she wishes we could. I know. I wish we could, too. A thought occurs to me all of a sudden, and I wriggle uncomfortably in my chair.

  “Hold up. Say that plan worked. What then?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Like… how would I get back?”

  She chews her lip.

  “I guess… you’d have to wait until we came for you. After the three leaders had been brought down.”

  My stomach churns at the thought. It’s taken Jay and the others nearly sixteen years to rebuild the Clover to this point. Even with all that information to help the cause, it could still be years before they finally manage to overthrow the leaders. I don’t think I could deal with it for that long.

  “Suddenly, I don’t like this plan.”

  “Well, there’s always a different way. You could break out. But I suppose it’s hard enough to escape when you have a team behind you. On your own, it’d be pretty tough, wouldn’t it?”

  “Actually, no.”

  I reach for the nearest flat surface and start tracing the lines with my fingers.

  “What are you doing?” she asks.

  “I never looked around enough to think of an escape route before. If our theory’s right, they wipe people’s minds so they’re more obedient. Since it’s all anyone there has ever known, they’re lacking in security. Here…”

  I draw a series of squares with my finger, pointing to each one in turn. I talk Pan through it; the way in, the two Guard towers near the entrance that are always manned. I explain how they don’t have much training – the Guards appear in their early teens, scrawny and spotty, and they’re given a gun and put on watch. It would be easy to force my way past the Guard towers, since their aim is so terrible. It’s about an hour to the docks. I cou
ld probably sprint if I had to. Take cover somewhere.

  “But wouldn’t they chase you down?” Pan asks, intrigued by my haphazard explanations.

  “Maybe. But I’m just one kid, and there’s nothing between the Farm and the Dock. As far as they’re concerned, I don’t stand a chance at getting past the gates at the Docks, or on the other side. There’s a huge distance between there and Thorne, too – so even if they figured out where I was going, they wouldn’t believe I could make it.”

  “And could you?”

  I wink.

  “I made it here, didn’t I? I have friends at the Docks, and there’s always a chance I’ll run into Eagen again.”

  Pan doesn’t ask who Eagen is. I don’t mention to her that Eagen and Darus aren’t like me. They’re good people, sure, but if they knew they’d get in trouble for helping me, they might not. It’s hard to imagine Darus turning his back on someone, and even harder to imagine Eagen leaving me in the dust; but I wouldn’t blame them if they chose to do just that.

  “There should be an abandoned cart partway down that road from the last guy who was sent with your delivery. Maybe I could take that and say I’m here to deliver something for you, just like last time.”

  “But that comes down to chance,” she warns, “only a fraction of the Guard knows me. If you weren’t lucky, you might end up being caught.”

  “Everything comes down to luck, you know. I still think that your plan could work.”

  She leans back now, unable to hide her smug smile. I can only imagine how good that must feel; it’s not the simplest of plans, but she’s got it. It works. But then her face falls.

  “It’s just a shame that Jay would never go for it. I mentioned it in passing and he practically blew his lid. If we went to him with all the details sorted out…”

  “He’d be furious,” I finish, “but you’re right. This is the best plan we’ve got. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to ask him again.”