by Katie Ginger
Looking at Kieran, he suddenly realised he might never see Cat and Kieran’s kids, if they made it down the aisle, that was. Then his heart almost stopped beating. He’d never see Nell’s face again. A face he’d always wanted to cup in his hands, to kiss her lips and let her know just how much he loved her, how special she was and how different. To give her one of those romantic moments she loved in movies. Though it hadn’t ever really been on the cards for them, he felt the loss of the chance even more keenly.
‘So, what did the doc say?’
Tom’s eyes met Kieran’s and he told him the news.
‘Geez, mate. I’m so sorry.’ He shook his head. ‘Have you called Nell yet?’
‘No.’
‘Nigel?’
Tom sighed. ‘No.’
‘You have to. You know that, right?’
Tom stared at the dark liquid swirling in his cup. Kieran was right, he did have to tell his grandad and Nell too, but until he’d figured out how his life was going to work from now on, he didn’t want to worry them. And there was Janie to think about.
An overwhelming urge to make the most of the time he had to do the job he loved consumed him. What would happen to his business if he couldn’t do the deliveries? If he couldn’t see to make the designs and if he couldn’t do the actual accounting? Janie was proving to be very gifted, but she was young to handle so much responsibility and it was still responsibility he wanted to bear. When it came down to it, he wasn’t ready to give it up. He needed to get back to work. He’d left Janie alone in the shop enough already over these last few weeks.
That night at the Langdon Mansion Hotel, Nell had mentioned that her life seemed to be at a turning point. He hadn’t really understood at the time, but he did now. Only he hadn’t expected such a major one. ‘I’d best get back to the shop,’ he said, standing.
‘But you’ve hardly drunk your coffee,’ Kieran pointed out. He reached out and grabbed Tom’s sleeve. ‘I know it’s not the nicest coffee in the world, but come on, mate, take a minute. If you want to shout, cry … whatever, I don’t mind. I’m here to help.’
‘Sorry. I just – I just want to do something normal. I think I’ll head to work.’
‘Work? Really?’ Tom nodded. ‘If you’re sure.’ He let go and swigged some of his coffee before standing up. ‘Want me to come round tonight and we’ll watch the footie?’
Watch the footie. Even that phrase was like a knife plunged further into his chest. How long would it be until he couldn’t actually watch anything? All he’d have was the sound and audio descriptions. ‘No, thanks, mate. I need some time alone to get my head round this. Do you mind if we just go? I can’t stand this smell anymore.’ The aroma of disinfectant was even more pungent here. Or maybe it was him. Whatever it was, it was making him queasy.
‘Of course.’ The teddy bear side of Kieran was coming out again as his voice rang with unease. ‘I really don’t like the thought of you going back to work after such a shock. Why don’t you come and hang out with me?’
‘Honestly, I think it’s for the best.’ Tom realised he was wrapping his scarf around his hand again.
He was lucky to have such a friend. Someone who’d stick with him through thick and thin and already had for years. He knew Nell would be supportive too when he told her, but he just couldn’t deal with that yet. She’d hug him and being in her arms would only intensify the pain of everything he was about to lose. There had never been much of a chance of them getting together, but it was like the last vestige of hope had gone with his diagnosis. The only thing he could deal with was getting back to the shop. He might even give Janie the afternoon off. After all, she’d covered for him enough, she deserved it. And he’d make sure to give her a surprise Christmas bonus in her pay packet this month. She was a good girl and if he was looking at winding up the business and finding something he could do even when his sight failed, she’d be out of a job.
As they left the warmth of the hospital and stepped into the cold December air, Tom again felt the whole of his life sliding away: all his plans, all his dreams, all his hopes for the future were fading with his sight. He’d never felt so low in his entire life and it was only going to get worse, but he had to push those feelings deep down inside and bury them. There were only five days until the mayor’s Christmas party when he and Nell would be turning Holly Lodge into a winter wonderland and less than two weeks till Kieran and Cat’s wedding. He had to keep it together until then.
As much as he could on the drive back, he studied the world of Swallowtail Bay before he wasn’t able to see it anymore: the rolling green fields surrounded by high hedges; the way the coast appeared on the horizon and then ran alongside as you drove into town. He tried to memorise the endless noise of the seagulls, remember the way they soared on the wind, gliding effortlessly.
The sea was blustery today, violently crashing onto the shore – destructive. Something about it matched Tom’s mood. Before long, they entered the hustle and bustle of town and seeing the glittering Christmas lights hung all along the promenade made a lump form in his throat. Being surrounded by Christmas decorations made it all seem worse somehow. Receiving this news at any time would have been awful but getting it at Christmas – at the most magical time of the year – made it even harder to bear. Every decoration reminded him that at some point he’d be like Grandad Nigel, unable to see anything at all.
What would Christmas be like when he couldn’t see? Would it still feel the same? It was the start of December, traditionally the time they got the Christmas tree out. At some point there’d come a time when he couldn’t put the tree together with Nell at Holly Lodge or decorate it. The stinging in his nose returned as tears tried once more to take over. The town was busy with early Christmas shoppers and the tree at the bottom of the high street sparkled in the dull light.
Looking around he felt all his Christmas spirit vanish. It wasn’t the most magical time of the year for him. It was the most horrendous.
Chapter 19
Saturday came far too quickly, and Nell had roped in all her friends to help rearrange and decorate Holly Lodge ready for the mayor’s party that evening. To set the mood, she had cheesy Christmas music playing as loudly as she could get away with and set up a tea tray for them all with gingerbread men, mince pies and lebkuchen. There was more than enough to keep them going. Cat had taken the day off work, and Kieran and Tom were joining them later.
The thought of seeing Tom for the first time since Kieran told her how he felt about her – how he’d always felt about her – made her more nervous. It had been a relief not to see him as often as usual this week, but she was still worried about him. Since Monday he hadn’t really spoken to her. Whenever she’d called, he’d been dashing off to see Nigel, or been working late into the evening. Though she had some guests, she’d also pretended to be busy with preparations for the party, and somehow had managed to avoid him without it being obvious. She just needed to figure out how to act around him first.
Nell wondered now if that was why he’d been so distant lately. Maybe as it was Christmas and they were both single he was feeling lonely. The thought that he wanted her made her both excited and scared in equal measure. Over the last few days, she’d spent the time trying to imagine a life with Tom, but her brain refused to budge. It made her feel guilty that she couldn’t picture anything, because it meant only one thing – she didn’t want him the same way she’d wanted other men.
To save her from herself, Nell shifted her attention onto Cat, who’d just come through the dining-room door. Holding onto the news for nearly a whole week had been the hardest thing she’d ever done, but Cat had been working long hours again, and whenever they’d talked, she’d had wedding things to discuss. Nell hadn’t wanted to hijack those discussions with something like this, especially over the phone.
‘Hey,’ Cat said quietly, full of trepidation. Nell could immediately see she felt guilty for changing her mind on some more of the wedding details. The lates
t thing had been the fairy lights. Cat had originally wanted golden rather than white lights framing the dining room to give a more golden glow. Brenda had wanted star-shaped bright white ones. Both Nell and Cat had agreed and fought for the golden lights and it had all been settled until a day ago when Cat had changed her mind. They’d had a small disagreement because there was only a week to go until the wedding, but Nell had been forced to back down when it looked like they might end up rowing. Seeing Cat now, Nell jumped up and took her in a hug.
‘Hey, are you okay?’ Nell said into her cheek, then planted a big kiss.
‘Yeah. Listen, sorry I got a bit narky with you again. It was work.’ She slumped down in the chair and Nell immediately grabbed her a mince pie and gingerbread man and put them in front of her. ‘I had a mum have a really difficult birth and it got to me.’ Cat pushed a hand through her hair. ‘We nearly lost the baby. It was just awful.’ Nell studied her friend’s tired face. She was tearing up at the memory and Nell hugged her again. That explained so much. The importance of lights did pale in comparison to a newborn baby’s life hanging in the balance. Maybe Cat’s job was reminding her what was important and what wasn’t. If she’d chosen to have the same lights her mum wanted, was that a big deal? Nell decided to stop being so judgemental and let Cat make her own decisions. The responsibility, worry, fear and adrenalin must have been a lot for her to bear. It wasn’t an easy job with long hours and so much pressure. She literally had lives in her hands. Tiny ones. If she could handle that, she sure as hell could handle decision-making for her own wedding. It was time for Nell to take a step back.
‘I’m so sorry, darling. Why didn’t you tell me?’
Cat wiped a tear away. ‘I think I was still processing it all. Sometimes I’m so busy dealing with the emergency that it’s only after that things really hit me.’
‘Does Kieran know?’
‘No.’ Another tear escaped. ‘I just didn’t want to talk about it at all.’ Nell nodded her understanding. ‘And Mum’s been bloody awful. I’m really sorry for being a bridezilla.’
A rush of emotion charged through her as she pictured Cat keeping a panicking mum calm and helping a tiny baby. ‘I’m sorry. I should have been more supportive instead of just charging in and getting on my soapbox. Forgive me?’
‘Forgive me?’ Cat said with a smile.
Nell nodded. ‘Let’s forget about it all and get started on the decorations. There’s tonnes to do and it’s about time we got excited for your wedding! Can you believe there’s only a week to go?’
‘Not really,’ Cat said, a slight sadness to her voice. ‘It’s gone so quickly.’
‘It’s been a learning curve I can tell you.’
The only good thing about Brenda’s interference was that she’d learned a lot about dealing with last-minute changes and found suppliers who can deliver quickly. They were now on a special list on her computer. ‘But I can’t wait to see you and Kieran tie the knot.’
‘Me too. So what’s been going on with you this week?’
‘Actually, I have got something to tell you.’
‘Oh? What’s that? Something wedding-related, I guess.’
As Cat took off her coat and got comfortable at the table prepared with scissors, Sellotape and white paper to make snowflakes and stars, Nell took a deep breath and told her about Tom.
Cat paused from cutting out her paper snowflake. ‘Tom’s been in love with you all this time? What? That’s insane. I mean, we’ve known each other for over ten years. Why hasn’t he said anything before now?’
Nell manhandled some silver ribbon while in the background Kylie whispered her shopping list to Santa. ‘I’ve no idea. I can understand him not saying anything when he had a girlfriend or I had a boyfriend, but there have been times when we’ve both been single, and he still hasn’t made a move.’
‘Maybe he isn’t sure what you’d say and if you said no that would be—’
‘Horrendously awkward and beyond embarrassing?’
Cat giggled. ‘Like, crazy awkward. I mean, how would you even talk to each other again. Yuck.’ She shuddered at how humiliating the whole situation would be.
‘Yes, thank you,’ Nell replied with a smile, throwing her hand through her un-brushed hair. ‘Do me a favour though, don’t ever become an agony aunt. You’re more agony than aunt.’
Cat snickered and went back to her snowflake, turning the paper as she cut, her tongue poking out a little from the corner of her mouth. When she’d finished, she placed it down, took a bite of her gingerbread man and washed it down with a sip of tea. ‘I can’t believe Kieran never told me. He’s normally rubbish at keeping secrets.’
‘It must have been hard keeping this from you, but it’s probably a good thing. If you’d found out, you’d have told me within about two minutes. You won’t be mad at him, will you?’ As everything at last seemed to be settling down between Kieran and Cat and there’d been no more flirtations with Niall, Nell didn’t want anything to cause problems now.
‘I’m not.’ Cat looked like the thought wouldn’t ever occur to her. ‘I completely understand. You’ve told me stuff and asked me not to tell, and you’ve helped me hide my shoe obsession from Kieran for years now.’ After finishing the gingerbread man and moving onto the mince pie, she said, ‘The question is how do you feel about it?’
Nell looked earnestly at her friend. ‘I just don’t know. I mean, Tom’s a handsome guy. In fact, I think he’s got even better with age.’ A tiny tingle started somewhere in the vicinity of her heart, but it could easily have been indigestion. ‘And he’s sweet and kind and funny, but I don’t know. For a while now I’ve wished for someone who knows me inside out—’
‘Which Tom does.’
Mariah Carey belted out ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ and Nell’s chest tightened with the sentiment. ‘Yes, but I’ve never looked at him in that way before.’
‘Try it now,’ suggested Cat. ‘It’s not that much different to me and Kieran. Except we figured it out a lot sooner than you two.’
‘Oh, so you’re turning this into a competition, are you?’ Nell had missed this sort of gentle teasing with her friend.
‘Here,’ said Cat, resting her mug on the table and cupping her fingers around it. ‘I’ve got an idea. Close your eyes and imagine you’re on a beautiful sandy beach—’
Through one eye, Nell said, ‘What’s wrong with the pebbly one we have here in Swallowtail Bay?’
‘Just do it!’
Both of Nell’s eyes popped open. ‘Considering you’re always telling me to stop living in my imagination, this feels a little hypocritical.’ Cat glared. ‘All right, I’ll do it, but I’ve tried imagining myself with Tom and I can’t. My mind just doesn’t want to go there which can only mean one thing, can’t it? We’re not meant to be together.’
‘And how does that make you feel?’
‘Sad?’ She’d posed it as a question because she wasn’t sure herself. Was it sadness she felt because she couldn’t return Tom’s feelings? Sadness that if they did get together, they’d have wasted so much time? That final thought sent a shock through her, but her heart and head were such a mix of emotions she didn’t know what to think or feel.
‘The trouble with you is that you’ve let your imagination set standards for how romance and relationships should be and then reality can never measure up. You’ve convinced yourself it’s all bunches of roses and love notes and romantic candle-lit dinners, and while things might be like that to begin with, real love and real romance isn’t about those grand gestures.’ Nell listened intently, knowing full well Cat was right. ‘Real love is running you a bath when you’ve come home from work frazzled and absolutely knackered. It’s knowing your favourite takeaway or brand of gin. It’s buying you the extra soft tissues when you’ve got the flu even though you think they’re a bit of a rip-off. They’re the things that really matter, not roses and picture-perfect movie moments.’
Now Nell came to think of it,
Tom had done some of those things for her. Not the bath thing, but he always knew what she wanted from the Chinese. Once, he’d even gone out in the middle of the night for some throat spray because she had tonsillitis and when he’d returned, he’d also brought her delicious expensive chocolate ice cream too. Had she been letting her imagination run away with her for so long she’d missed the real love right under her nose? Was that what had been happening with Harry too? Because what she felt for him didn’t seem as solid or as anchored in her heart as the feelings she had for Tom. The realisation felt like the ground shifting beneath her feet and how she understood her emotions shifted with it.
‘Come on, close your eyes and let’s do this exercise,’ Cat demanded. ‘It’s a visualisation technique I use to help my mums handle labour pains, but I want to try something. Okay?’
‘All right.’ Leaving behind the crackling fire burning in the grate and the smell of cinnamon and orange from the festive willow garland over the fireplace, Nell did as she was told and pictured the long, sandy beach. In her mind, the white sand was unbroken by footprints and a calm, bright blue sea glimmered in front of her.
‘Now picture the sun setting in the sky creating a beautiful orange sunset.’
Cat’s voice was surprisingly soothing, and Nell retreated into her imagination and the wonderful beach, leaving behind all conscious thought. She could almost feel the heat on her face, the sand beneath her toes and the gentle breeze ruffling her hair. She pictured herself in a floaty sun dress, rather than the bright red Christmas jumper she was currently wearing, her hair loose about her face.
‘Now picture the man of your dreams walking towards you. It can be your TV crush, or that hunky American who’s staying.’