“That’s all well and good on your end, but then people like Missy come along to dredge everything up and you’re right back in the middle of something better left behind.”
“Is that why you opted out and didn’t come back? Escaping the past?”
Her quick change of expression said he hit a nerve. “There’s no escaping it here,” she replied. She shifted her gaze to the street behind them. “Everybody dies famous. Everyone knows everyone and shares everything. I left that on purpose, Alex. A part of me loved the anonymity of the city. Being one of the crowd. I hated that everyone saw our family dissolve before their eyes. My mother’s death. My father’s descent into the bottle. How that left us scrambling, trying to raise ourselves. I tried to hide what was happening at first.”
“That’s the first line of defense, Cress. And you were just a kid. You did what you could.”
“I hid his bottles. I tried to take care of the girls and Eric. I made food, I packed lunches, I cleaned.”
“You tried to take your mother’s place.”
She huffed, then shrugged. “Just enough to try to keep things moving along. I kept praying, asking God for help. But no help came, it was just day after day of making excuses for my father. Answering the phone when creditors called. Pretending he wasn’t there. Only it made me so mad because he was there, standing right there, making sure I lied for him. Eventually it all got to me. Dirty clothes, dirty house, the lies, the cover up. And I’d escape to Grandpa’s house. I’d help on everything I could, I let him teach me anything he wanted, as long as I didn’t have to go back home. But in doing that, I left Kiera and Audra and Eric to muddle through on their own.”
“Cress, you were fourteen. You can’t—”
“I was a selfish teenager thinking only of myself. And no matter how you sugarcoat it now, I know what I did was wrong. I could have been there for them more. I could have made a bigger difference in their lives, Alex.”
“Aren’t they doing okay?” He leaned closer and grazed her chin with his palm. “Audra loves her B&B, Kiera’s an incredible success and Eric’s doing all right as a PA in Rochester. That success says your family’s resilience is strong.”
“Audra surrounds herself with needy animals because it’s safe, Kiera is most likely fighting an eating disorder and Eric stays away from the family drama as much as possible. I’m grateful for Stacey’s presence in our lives because it brought a token of normalcy back. I’m glad Dad finally got sober, that he found someone to be happy with, that’s made a huge difference. But you know what I really wanted? And didn’t have?” She turned his way more directly and the anguish in her face broke his heart. “I wanted him to be strong for us. His kids. His family. We lost our mother, then we lost him, too. And I don’t know how to forgive him for making us feel like we weren’t important enough to stay sober for. Four little kids who lost so much. A mother to cancer, a father to the bottle. It wasn’t right and I can’t reason it out enough to make it right, even in retrospect.”
“Because you lived it,” he said softly. “When we’re the ones involved, all the happy platitudes about forgiveness grow thin and hard.”
“But you did it.” She turned his way and held his gaze. “You’ve moved on. You’ve ditched the bitterness and anger you used to carry around like dead weight. And you actually feel bad for buying those dirty cops’ houses.”
“Because that’s not the legacy I want to leave behind.”
“Well, it’s tough to buy into that when you’re willing to sweet-talk old women out of their family farm, Alex.”
Her words stung more than anything Missy had said. He wanted Cress to see beyond the developed farmland, to see the man he’d become, but he’d seen Gran’s face-off with her sister the previous week. She’d done the unthinkable, the unforgiveable, not giving family first choice of the land. Only Norma and Alex knew that their purchase price wouldn’t have been enough to pay off Horst’s debts, and that was a secret he’d carry to the grave if necessary. Gran had suffered enough by the actions of a weak husband. No reason the whole town needed to know her business.
“And I probably wouldn’t be half so mad at the two of you for that whole deal,” she waved a hand toward what used to be cropland and grazing meadows, “if Gran showed any sign of letting herself relax and enjoy the money she made. She doesn’t. She’s probably got it squirreled away in some stupid nest egg fund so she’ll never get to enjoy the fruits of her labors, a time to relax.”
There was no nest egg fund. Alex knew that and couldn’t say a word. It wasn’t his place, his right. To have Horst’s malfeasance revealed wouldn’t just mean Norma’s embarrassment. The entire Johansson family would be up in arms over her choices. She’d gone outside the family to sell valuable farmland, making her choice unacceptable in the established Wisconsin family farm network. Family first. Then other farmers. And then, only then, were you allowed to sell farmland for other purposes. It was a code-of-honor, long established and respected. Norma broke the code to pay off Horst’s indiscretions. After giving up that money to save face, and the comfort of an old-age legacy, no way could he risk ‘outing’ her now. Her family had never liked Horst, and they’d resented his high-handed farm practices. The fact that they were right all along was a bitter pill for Gran to swallow. And when Cress’s father plunged into similar habits after losing his wife, Norma had been the family centurion, the rock of ages. She’d held everything together for the girls, especially Cress. “Gran doesn’t do ‘fun’.”
“Well she should.”
“She’d probably say the same about you.” Alex leaned closer, drawing her gaze. “You gals have a lot in common.”
Cress met his gaze. “Is that so?”
“Mm hmm.” He traced one finger along the edge of her cheek, studying her reaction, reading her mixed emotions. Part of her wanted to move forward, the quick intake of breath a dead giveaway.
But part of her shied back, not unlike the horse at Audra’s, although comparing her to the horse might not help his cause. Then again, Cress liked horses, so it might tilt the scales favorably.
She quirked a brow. “You were saying?”
Oh, that’s right. He’d been talking, comparing her to Gran, right up until the time he realized all he really wanted to do was kiss the daylights out of her, hogtie her to the back of a horse, have the preacher do his thing and keep her locked up in his house for at least forever. No more big city detective nonsense, no more old boyfriend drama, no more distance between them, physical, mental or emotional.
But she wasn’t ready for that. Alex was experienced enough to know a caged bird will fly at first chance. Lindi’s break-away taught them all a lesson.
If Cress was his destiny, his soulmate, he wanted her full board, unhinged, unfettered, sharing his heart, his home, his bed.
That thought made her look even more kissable, if possible. He leaned in, his lips brushing hers, a feathered kiss. “You’re both smart, stubborn, opinionated, tough as nails and soft inside.”
A smile curved the lips touching his, her breath light, warm and tasting of rocky-road ice cream, never a bad thing. “You forgot amazingly good looking.”
“Couldn’t possibly forget, Cress. Not when you’re,” he cupped her neck with his hand, his lips testing hers once more, the flutter of her heartbeat a hummingbird’s wing beneath his thumb, “right here.”
He increased the pressure of his hand to draw her forward.
She freaked.
He felt the transformation before he saw it. Her neck clenched. She pulled back as if fighting for air. Her right hand gripped his left forearm, ready to fight.
He released his hold and pulled her into his chest, the center console making the embrace awkward. “Hey, hey. It’s all right. I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”
He hadn’t. He knew that, was totally sure of it, and if he’d ever needed confirmation about her former relationship, he’d just gotten it.
Cress had been ready to fight for her life,
which meant she’d had to fight for her life before.
He swore inside, big, bad, wash-your-mouth-out-with-soap words he hadn’t used since undergrad days in Chicago.
Her breath hitched, from either trauma or embarrassment, he couldn’t tell. He held on, refusing to let go, figuring a hug was worth a thousand words. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’ve got you.”
Her heartbeat slowed. Her breathing calmed. The hand clenching his shirt-sleeve lay quiet, her fingers relaxed against his arm, his chest. “Everything’s going to be all right, Cress. I promise.”
*
He had no idea what he was promising, Cress thought, the heat in her cheeks a mix of embarrassment and God-awful fear. “Alex, I—”
“Shh…” He stroked her hair, the feel of his gentle, strong hands a direct conflict with the fear that swept her moments before. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. I told you. When you’re ready. We’ve got plenty of time.”
Did they?
A katydid chirruped, a triple chirp, the night’s warmer temperature an invitation to courting. A second one answered, the deepening darkness a call to romance, to love.
She remembered Alex’s earlier jokes about the front porch light. She’d envisioned an old-fashioned spooning session, the evening’s easy air an invitation to whispered thoughts and dreams. Right until she’d turned it into a freak show by wanting to punch Alex’s lights out for holding her neck while he leaned in to kiss her.
Would she ever move beyond this? Was she doomed to replay those dark days with James forever?
“The best way to erase old memories is make new ones.”
The faint shadow of Alex’s whiskers tickled her cheek, her neck. She sighed, relaxing. “I don’t think it’s that easy.”
“It is.” He pulled back, braced his hands on her shoulders and met her gaze. “Face the dragons and put them away, cage ‘em up. Then we throw away the key.”
“Until someone like Missy jimmies the lock.”
Alex shrugged. “That might give us a moment’s hesitation, but in the end, the dragon’s still imprisoned and we’re free to go about our business. He’s not.”
“That worked for you?” Her gaze searched his, looking for chinks in his armor. “You moved on to bigger and better despite your childhood?”
“I did, because the alternative was too Scrooge-like for comfort. Back then I didn’t have choices. I was a kid caught in the maelstrom. Now…” He shifted his gaze out, thinking, before he brought it back to her. “Now I set the tone, I make the choices. Well…” A grin softened his features as he looked at her, his eyes tracing her face, her hair, her cheeks, her mouth. “Some of them. Obviously God still has a few tricks up his sleeve because I honestly never envisioned this.” His smile and gaze meant her. Them. Us…
But could she be whatever it was he needed? Wanted?
A huge part of her longed to embrace these feelings, to jump in, both feet ready to hit the water.
But fear stalled her, the same thing that messed up those last days of police work. A cop that couldn’t trust his or her instincts, decision-making, and inner rationalization was a cop waiting for trouble. This time the bullet had found her, but it could have been Carl or another cop, someone on back-up. Or an innocent bystander.
“We can only change so much, Cress.” Alex’s confidence helped trump her confusion. “We take it one dragon at a time.”
She leaned back into his chest, breathing the scent of soft cotton knit, deep woodsy goodness and good, old-fashioned guy. “I’ll try.”
“Good.” He lowered his lips to her hair and just held her for long seconds. “Could you try like really, really fast? Because I was totally into that whole kissing thing.”
*
Her answering laugh eased his concern, but he didn’t let go in a hurry, hoping the warmth of his embrace helped bridge the gap in her heart. With her leg healed, the option to return to Minneapolis was in Cress’s hands. Gran still needed help, but Audra was local. She could step in more, with Mary and Ginny as back-up. Like Cress, Gran hadn’t repaired her relationship with her former son-in-law. Maybe because he reminded her too much of Horst?
That made sense to Alex. But eventually, families needed to heal. Which meant he should stop stewing about Cruz’s decision to become a state trooper. They’d both faced the same wretched childhood experiences. Alex understood how tough things had been, the treatment they’d dealt with because of their father’s behavior. He’d gone into law because he’d never be casual about police interference with a law degree behind him. Knowledge of the law mustered might, a wisdom he could employ at will.
Cruz took the badge and the gun, determined to do the job honor. They’d stayed here, in Watkins Ridge, wanting their mother’s sacrificial efforts rewarded by her successful sons. And that had been the right thing to do. They knew that.
Sure, he’d do a long-distance romance if necessary. Whatever she needed.
But he wanted to settle down here, in the place he’d grown up, with his family and friends close by. He’d worked hard to overcome his childhood embarrassment about who he was and where he was. Grown and successful, he longed to inspire that confidence, that belief in other kids whose paths might be potholed by circumstances beyond their control. That was a big part of why he coached football, why he stayed active in the town. While some had shunned him and his family, others had embraced them, like Gran Dietrich and her friends. The Knowles. The old pastor at the Good Church of The Holy Family, a sweet old man whose wife wasn’t afraid to hug little boys, give them sweet cakes and cookies, and wipe off scruffy faces that got dirty playing alongside the off-limits cemetery.
He pressed one last kiss to her hair before releasing her. “Let’s get you in. Get some rest. What time do you take Gran in tomorrow?”
“Early.”
“And we head to Minneapolis on Friday.”
Gulp. “As long as Gran’s doing fine. Aunt Sylvie offered to stay with her, but Audra stepped in and saved the day.”
“Crotchety, mean-spirited older sister vs. kind-hearted granddaughter? That’s a no-brainer. Lucky Gran.”
He came around the front of the car and opened her door. She couldn’t remember the last time a guy opened her door for her. Maybe never. She swept the door and him a glance. “You don’t have to do that, you know.”
“Oh, I know.”
She huffed. “I mean, seriously. I’ve been climbing in and out of cars all by myself for years. Decades, in fact.”
He crowded her space until she was pressed into the open door, no escape possible. “I like doing it. Being nice. Taking care of you. Got it?”
She melted inside, her stone heart one big puddle of melted mush, like Frosty-the-Snowman in the middle of a Christmas cartoon. She nodded, trailing a nervous finger around her collar, emotions warring. “Got it.”
He smiled and bumped his forehead to hers, a gentle nudge of commiseration. “Good.”
“You know it’s funny.” She walked up the front steps, then turned at the top.
“What’s funny? Us? I can’t disagree.”
“That, too, but no. I meant Aunt Sylvie. She’s really pressing to help, calling. Stopping by. As if she really wants to get into this house, without people around. Like she’s snooping for something. Which is ridiculous and means I need to get back to work soon because I’m letting my imagination run away with me.”
But when she turned at the door, Alex wasn’t smiling, ready to tease her. Strain marked his features, even in the half-shadow. He erased the look quickly, but not quick enough for her to miss the expression.
Worry for Gran?
And Aunt Sylvie didn’t pretend that Alex wasn’t a financial predator, waiting and watching to bilk people out of their life savings. She’d been ardent in her disregard for him and the development of fertile farmland.
But that look— that expression, marked with concern— was she tired and imagining things, or did Alex have a reason to look conce
rned?
Cress wasn’t sure, but one thing she did know: putting her heart on hold was the smart move to make until she felt firm ground beneath her. To get fooled again, in the wake of her last disastrous relationship?
That would mark her as stupid and Cress Dietrich had no intention of being stupid, ever again.
Chapter Fourteen
Cress stepped outside the cancer treatment wing of the hospital while Audra monitored Gran’s chemo drip the next morning. “Felix. How’s it going? You got anything for me?”
“I’m sorry, he’s out of the office at the moment, but I’ll tell him you called.”
Code: someone was listening.
“Is James right there?”
“You have a nice day now.”
Bingo. She nodded. “Call me later.”
“Will do.”
Her phone rang mid-afternoon. Felix’s cell popped up. Cress hurried outside, not wanting to be overheard. “Felix, hello.”
“Listen, kid, this is on the QT, got it?”
Cress’s heart beat faster. “Of course.”
“I’m passing along specific info to the sheriff’s department and the FBI.”
“You’ve got a match.”
“A possible match.” Caution colored Felix’s tone. “I’m passing it up because it looks like you might have stumbled onto an abduction that crossed several state lines. You haven’t gone near them, right? Spooked her?”
She’d been sorely tempted, but… “No. Not because I didn’t want to.”
Felix breathed relief. “That’s why you’re as good as you are. You don’t go off half-baked ever. I miss having you on the team. That kind of calm is rare these days.”
Cress knew what he meant. James’ frenetic energy tended to rub the wrong way, sometimes pushing people into indiscriminate action. Good police work sometimes meant waiting, despite how badly you wanted to jump in with both feet, guns cocked. “I’ll keep my distance. When did this allegedly occur?”
Safely Home Page 16