by Tia Siren
John slept on the couch that night. Amish beds are not known for their comfort, let alone their couches. It was very stiff, but it was home. He was now with the plain folk that he had grown up with. He looked around the dark room, barely illuminated by the moonlight that seeped through the windows. There were no pictures on the walls, no colors of any kind beside grey and white and black. There was nothing that would promote vanity.
It was the exact opposite of what John had gotten used to during his time in the city. The Amish desired humility above all else. They desired to spend their lives seeking God, and not vain entertainment. John thought back to the stories he had heard as a kid. He remembered studying the Bible every day. There was something about it. Something that spoke to him. He couldn’t put his finger on it. As he thought about these things, he grew tired and drifted into deep sleep.
*****
Mary wore the same clothes that she always wore, it made things simple. The gathering that she was going to was to be at the Bishop’s house. Amish never get together for parties or festivals, so an event like this was something to get excited about. Mary knew that the men would gather and talk about the community and ways to improve life. She wished that her father were there. He would be able to talk to the Bishop about needing money. But if her father were there she wouldn’t need money.
She wanted to spend her time talking with Samuel, but now she didn’t know if he felt the same way anymore. Besides, he would be busy talking with the other men.
“Are you ready, Mary?” asked her mama.
“Yes, mama, I will be right out,” she said.
Sarah and her little sister Ruth got inside the Buggy. The bishop lived about five miles away, so the trip would take about half an hour. Sarah and her mother knew they wouldn’t discuss the matters of the farm with her little sister sitting there. She was too young to be burdened with the realities of adult life.
The sun was still out, as the Amish rarely stayed up past sundown. Sarah tried to enjoy the scenery but it was difficult for her. It was difficult because of the heavy burden she carried. She wondered if this would always be the case, that she would never truly be happy again.
The Bishop lived in a larger home than the rest of the plain folk. It was not that he wanted to flaunt his wealth, but for purely practical reasons; as many social events took place there. Mary and her mother hitched the buggy out front. A few other families had already arrived, and there were a few more yet to come.
*****
John sat, waiting for the Bishop. He had lived long enough in the Amish community to know what to expect. He would be interviewed and the Bishop would try to make a determination of if he was fit to return. The Bishoped entered the room.
He looked middle aged, younger than most Bishop’s and younger than the last one. John knew that probably wasn’t a good sign. A young Bishop would be afraid of bending any rules. He would want to assert his authority in order to keep order in the community.
“My name is Ezekiel,” said the Bishop. He seemed nice enough, as most Amish were, even in the face of grim circumstances. “And you must be John.”
“That is right, I have come here to…”
The Bishop cut him off. “I know why you have come here. Do you not think that your story is well known in this community?” The Bishop looked serious. But there was a hint of understanding behind his stern look.
“That is what I was afraid of,” replied John. “Afraid of my story being well known, that is to say, a bad example of how a person ought to be.”
The Bishop nodded in agreement. “You know your situation,” he said. “And so if I were to grant you back into this community, how do you think that would look. How do you think it would make me look?”
“I think that it would make you look forgiving, like a true Christian ought to be,” replied John.
“Do not talk to me about how a true Christian ought to act,” retorted the Bishop quickly. “I am not the one that abandoned his family and caused untold grief in this community.” The Bishop shook his head. “You are too young to understand. But the main reason we excommunicate is so that we do not build up false hope. Suppose that we didn’t forget about you? Suppose that we prayed for your return every single day?”
“Wouldn’t that be the right thing to do?” Asked John.
“No, we have our traditions for a reason. If we change them, if we bend them then we are liable to be taken advantage of and for our culture to fall apart. I am sorry, John. But you have to see it from my perspective. What I can say is that I will let you approach this as any outsider would. You may visit us, you may even stay the night with folks that will let you. But you cannot live here permanently, and you cannot become of a member of the church. That is, unless you show through your actions that you have changed and can be a valued member of our community. Is that understood?”
John nodded. “You have been fair in your judgment. I do want to move back, and be a member again. So look for me to be around, doing good works and honoring God once again. I will atone for my mistakes.” With that John shook the Bishop’s hand and left the room.
When he walked downstairs he noticed quite a large group gathered. First one person stared at him, and then another and another. It made him feel like an outsider. He made his way downstairs, trying not to make eye contact with anybody. Clearly they knew that he was the prodigal son. And clearly he was not welcome.
When he went outside, he noticed a girl crying. “Are you alright?”
Mary looked up. She did not recognize John, and she was embarrassed that a stranger saw her crying. “I am okay, there is nothing wrong here,” she said.
John was curious. She looked sad and hurt, like himself. He sat down beside her on the bench. “Why aren’t you inside with everyone else?”
“It is a long story. I thought that I was in love, and that I was going to be engaged soon. But that looks like it will never happen…” She began to cry too hard to continue.
“I have time for a long story,” said John. “But I think that we should go for a walk. This place has a few too many judging eyes for my liking.
Mary nodded. When her eyes cleared up, she noticed that John was extremely well built and handsome. He didn’t have a beard, meaning that he was single. And his hair was styled, not plain like the rest of her kin. He talked differently too. He wasn’t so reserved and afraid to come across as being confident. “Who are you?”
“You mean you haven’t heard of me?”
Mary shook her head. “Should I have?”
“Oh I don’t really know what to think anymore. Some people have heard of me here, I know that for sure. And a lot of them don’t want me back.” John played with the dirt with his shoe, annoyed at his situation. “It was a long time ago, but the past cannot be changed.”
Mary thought about his words. She knew them to be true. What was his pain? “Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, it means a lot?”
John smiled. “It means alot that you would take the time to talk to me,” he replied.
Mary laughed to herself. “Well clearly neither of us are on top of the world right now. Tell me what troubles you. I am here to listen. I won’t judge.”
Something about the way that Mary said those words made him believe that she was telling the truth. He looked closer into her eyes. “I am lost.”
“Lost? Well where are you trying to go? I can help you get there.”
“No, not lost in that sense. I don’t what I am supposed to do with my life. I have…”
“You have been on the outside, living the englishers. Haven’t you?” Asked Mary.
John was surprised. “Wait, I thought you didn’t know who I was, how did you know that?”
Mary laughed out loud this time. “I don’t know who you are, silly. It is the way that you talk, the way that you dress, and just the way that you carry yourself in general. You stick out like a sore thumb. I have been scolded once for walkin
g too worldly like. We plain folk work hard to be the same you know.”
John knew she was right. “I guess I forgot about how much different I had become.” He wondered if that was why people had been staring at him. Perhaps it wasn’t so much that they hadn’t forgiven him, but more that he was different, and they weren’t used to that. “Well anyway. I was living with the englishers, yes, and it just didn’t feel right.”
“I have only been on the outside for a short time during rumspringa,” said Mary. “Why didn’t you like it?”
“It wasn’t that I didn’t like it. At first I loved it. There are a lot of fun things to do in this world. But after a while it all seemed empty and meaningless. As if they just try to entertain themselves and keep their minds distracted so they don’t have to think about life, and what truly matters. For I think that if a lot of those folks did they would not like what they see.”
Mary listened and thought his words to be interesting. And in some way they made sense to her. “And the belonging that you seek, have you felt it since you have returned?”
John nodded. “Not at first. But you have looked at me differently than any girls or any person for that matter.” John was hoping that he wasn’t being too weird.
Mary was not used to guys talking like this. The plain folk would hardly speak their mind to a girl they didn’t know. But she found it refreshing. “And how have I looked at you,” she asked, genuinely interested.
“You seem to notice me.”
“Do other girls not notice you.”
“I mean the real me,” explained John. He was thinking about the girls at the bar, the ones that he knew just cared about your job and your car and what you were wearing. “You look at the heart, not just at how I can help you.”
John’s words touched Mary. It had been a while since she had heard something to cheer her up, and the words were welcome. “That is how I was raised. I had a very good father…” She trailed off.
“What happened to your father?” Asked John.
“He passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Now things are so hard for my family. I don’t want to bore you with my problems. It doesn’t seem to be what guys want to hear.” Tears welled up in her eyes again.
“What kind of problems are you having,” asked John. He knew that he genuinely cared and wanted to help.
Mary was reluctant to answer. She had already had one guy seemingly lose interest because of her problems. Why should she tell this guy. But something told her it would be okay. “We might lose our house and our farm. If a miracle doesn’t happen soon, we will lose it. I am scared, I don’t know what will happen to my mother and my sister. I could marry and be taken care of, but I just don’t want to leave my family. I don’t know what to do. I am lost too,” she said.
“I think I might be able to help,” said John. He surprised himself with what he said.
“Really? Surely you’re joking,” replied Mary.
“No, I am being serious. You need help with your farm and with chores. And I need a place to stay and I want to work. I want to work with my hands and feel good about myself. I want to wake up early and feel like I am in God’s will.” The words seemed to flow from John. He knew that he had wanted to say these things for a long time.
Mary could not believe her luck, or the providence of God rather. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to stop the farm from being taken, but at least there was hope. At least there would be another man around to help with the chores. “I think you will have to sleep on the couch, or in the barn. But I think mama would be happy to have you around so long as you pulled your weight.”
John knew that he would pull his weight. He wanted not only to work hard for himself and for God, but also for Mary. She was different and beautiful and he liked talking to her. “I think I would like that,” said John. “Now tell me about yourself, not what is going on in your world. But about you.”
“Well I guess if we are going to be spending a lot of time together, we may as well get to know each other,” she replied. She was being coy.
“Aye, we will need to be able to better communicate about which cows to milk and how to feed the chickens. You know I haven’t done that in a while. I might need more help than you think,” said John playfully.
Mary laughed. She loved that he was not perfect, and that he didn’t always measure exactly what said. He was fun and unpredictable. “I might have some extra time to teach you,” she said. Mary knew that she was never the best at flirtation. She hoped that her sincere heart would make up for it.
“I like that,” said John.
They continued to walk and talk. Boys and girls were not usually allowed to talk in private except for when they were courting. And long walks through the woods would be strictly forbidden. But Mary trusted John.
“The stars are brighter here, said John. “There are more of them too. They seem closer, almost like you can touch them.”
Mary looked up. “When you see them every night, you take them for granted,” she said. “But you are right. They really are beautiful.”
“I really have missed this place,” said John. “There is nothing like living with the plain folk. Sometimes they may be stubborn and unwilling to bend on their rules. But you know that they mean well. You know that all they want out of life is to glorify God and keep his commandments. You don’t realize how rare that is in the world.”
“I guess I really don’t,” said Mary. “I guess from my perspective this is just how life is. I do know that the people here love me, though. I have never doubted that. I have never doubted that God loves me either. I see that here. I feel His love. So tell me, why did you end up leaving and going to the city?”
John knew that was a long story, but she had opened up to him. He owed her the same thing. “I can’t tell you all of the details. But what I can tell you is how I felt. I felt restless, as if life here was too rigid. I guess I always wanted to experience everything I could in life. So I left. I can tell you what happens in the world. While you are enchanted by life, and the trivial entertainment and amusements, you love your existence. This can go on for any length of time really. Some never escape the pull of the world. Some know instantly that is it empty. I guess it took me until a few days ago. I couldn’t live a lie anymore.”
Mary wasn’t sure if she understood. She had no perspective because she had only known living as a plain folk. part of her envied John because of the perspective he had. It must give him a greater love of God. She told him as much.
“No, Mary,” he warned. “You don’t want anything to do with the world. I have scars from that time of my life that will never be healed. Your parents have kept you pure for a reason. They know it’s power.”
Sin and the devil. Mary knew that was what he was talking about. “Well it is getting late. Actually, it is already too late. My mother is going to be going crazy looking for me.” Mary again began to worry.
They ran back to the Bishop’s house. “I hope that the meetings went late. It is already dark and usually they would be done by now.” They said a quick prayer.
When they got back, Mary’s mother had only been looking for her for a short time. “What happened?” She asked.
“Mama, John here has said that he wants to help us out. We have been talking, He is super respectful and nice.” After she spoke those words, she saw Samuel. They made eye contact. It shot pain through her, as she knew that it would hurt him to see her talking to another guy, a really good looking guy.
“Is this true?” Asked mama.
“Yes,” replied John. “I would need to stay with you, but I could be a helping hand. If that is something you would be opened to.”
Mary’s mother knew that accepting John to stay with them would cause friction within the community. But she also knew that she needed help. “You can stay with us.” they all jumped in the buggy
John, Mary, Ruth, and mama all rode home together. They talked and got to know each other.
John was immediately made welcome.
Samuel watched as the buggy drove off. Part of him still loved Mary or was it just competitiveness. He didn’t know and didn’t care. He was not comfortable with another man living with her.
*****
John turned out to be a great help on the farm. With his help they were able to get all of the work done each day. John enjoyed the Bible studies every night. Because he was now the man of the house, he would lead them. He felt that he was able to reconnect with God. He wondered how his father was doing and wished that he could be reconnected with him. One day, he thought.
His former like with the englishers was beginning to seem distant now, as his old Amish habits were coming back in full force. God seemed more present and Samuel desires only to please Him. For he knew that there was no other source of joy and contentment.
He got along great with Mary, although he understood that she was seeing Samuel. John wanted to honor their relationship, even though sometimes he wished they were not together. John knew how she talked about him now, and didn’t feel they were right for each other. He saw the way he looked at her before, and saw nothing but jealousy and selfish ambition. But ss far as John saw it, his only responsibility was to help out as much as he could, and maybe one day he would be accepted back into the community.
Then one day he found out that Samuel would be coming over to court with Mary. It made him feel miserable inside. He had never realized that his feelings for Mary were so strong. He had thought that he just liked her as a friend, someone that he could genuinely connect to. But this was different, this was much more.