by Laura Rossi
“Mommy!!!” Eddy cried when I opened the passenger door, his small arms around my head immediately.
My mouth opened to say something but I was silenced by a sound, the scariest sound of them all. A bullet exploding out of a gun.
I screamed and turned, hiding Eddy’s face against my neck, shaking as another shot was fired.
Both Alejandro and Sebastian weren’t moving.
Panting, I was panting, the horror of what I was seeing, killing every last bit of hope and strength left in me.
Get up, get up, get up. I prayed, I cried. I begged him to stand up and run to me.
Please, come to me.
My heart almost stopped then, as I watched Sebastian shake off the dirt from his face and head, and walk up the dirt road, gun in hand, blood rolling down his face.
He’s alive, I nearly screamed while he ran towards us.
He held me tight, kissed my head, then Eddy’s, his eyes concerned but I was smiling.
Smiling. He had come for us.
Sebastian
We drove out of that place in Alejandro’s car, until we got to where I had left mine, just off the main road. We switched cars and continued the ride in ours.
I had seen their tracks on the dirt road, on my way back from Naples. Nobody went through those countryside streets. I knew something was off, so I had run to Saint Catherine’s institute, hoping It wasn’t too late.
It wasn’t. Eddy and Andrea were safe, I eyed them from the rear-view mirror and my eyes hurt, seeing Andrea’s cheek swollen, her neck purple.
He had hurt her, that son of a bitch. He had touched her and I hadn’t been there to protect her.
I cursed under my breath and shook my head, but before I could say anything, Andrea’s hand stretched forward in between seats looking for mine and I took it immediately.
“I am sorry,” I said and she squeezed it tight.
“You came. I thought I wasn’t going to see you again,” she whimpered and I bent down a little to kiss her hand.
“I wasn’t fast enough.”
From the mirror, I caught sight of her blonde head shaking.
“You stopped him,” Andrea told me. “Did you….” She started to say but I didn’t let her finish. Kill him, did I kill him? I didn’t want her to say the words in front of Eddy.
“I don’t know,” I hadn’t checked.
I had shot that motherfucker, but I wasn’t sure where.
It didn’t matter, I knew what needed to be done. I had the documents now.
We had no time to figure it out, no time to stop. We cleaned up in the car, changed clothes- I had brought a fresh stack with me- and took off the dirt and blood as much as we could.
We were already in the city, driving towards the pier in Naples.
“Mommy, where are we going now?” Eddy asked, his voice a little shaky.
“We are going to look at boats. Do you want to go on a boat?” I asked him and saw Eddy nod from the back.
“Where are we going?” Andrea asked but I didn’t answer.
I couldn’t. Not yet. I needed to find the right dock first.
When I did, I parked the car and opened their door, inviting them to step out.
A white and blue cruise was already boarding when we got to the line.
“How about this one?” I asked Eddy, pointing at the ship and he started to jump up and down excited.
“Here, take this,” I said and handed Andrea a backpack. “Your identity cards and new names are in here. Your tickets and anything you might need. Money too”
“Why are you telling me this like you are not coming?” Andrea’s eyes went wide, her lips parted to say more but I just bent down to kiss her. Another soft touch of her beautiful mouth, just one more.
In her eyes, I saw an ocean of tears, an ocean of fears.
I pulled her and Eddy in my arms.
“Don’t cry, Sad Eyes,” I whispered in her ear. “It’s going to be okay.”
“But why aren’t you coming?” she looked at me as I looked at Eddy.
My son, my son.
“I need to go back. I need to make sure he won’t come after you, your family,” I whispered the words, so that Eddy wouldn’t hear.
“But,” Andrea said, shaking her head as a tear rolled down her eye.
I caught it and wiped it away immediately. No more tears, she had cried too many already.
“It’s better this way. He’ll chase me. He’ll come after me. Not you,” I ran a hand through her hair and breathed in deep, taking in her beauty once more. One more time.
“We knew there wasn’t going to be a happy ending, we knew that Andrea. You said that, remember?”
She nodded and swallowed down a sob, her hands on me, holding on to us, one last time.
I kissed her, I kissed Eddy, so many times I lost count until I had to let them go, I had to let them walk away from me.
“Don’t come back,” I said to her. “Don’t look for me.”
She nodded. “I love you,” her raspy voice broke in the end. Andrea sobbed against my cheek as she kissed me. Then moved to my mouth.
“I will never forget you,” she mumbled against my lips.
“Cause I’ll be with you, Sad Eyes,” I said to her and then turned to Eddy, hugging him hard forcing my mind to remember every little detail of his face.
Tiny hands, big blue eyes, brown curls. Dark skin, my dark skin.
“Keep your mommy happy. Be a good boy,” I said to him.
“Aren’t you coming on the big boat?” he asked me, thoughtfully.
My eyes traced his face “Not today, Eddy. Not today.”
Once they were safely on the cruise, I drove away and up the high part of the city and stopped for a moment to watch them sail off into the Tyrrhenian sea. They were safe, I had kept my promise.
Whatever my heart was asking, it wasn’t what needed to be done.
I hadn’t lost them, I had set them free. But freedom came with a price, the cost to see them go.
Could I have risked it and made my escape with them? Whatever, I wasn’t going to risk their lives for something I wanted.
There were things I needed to take care of. A war I had yet to win. Or lose. But it needed to be settled. I drove back to Saint Catherina’s Institute in haste. The fight wasn’t over.
Andrea
How many times can a heart break? How many times is too many? I felt the heaviness of all that had happened sink deep inside of me, trying to crash me. My heart was in pieces again, my cheeks overflowed with tears. I was on a cruise with my son, sailing away from the man I owed my life to, the only reason I was still alive. My hope, the love that had changed my existence. Sebastian was gone. Everyone around me was laughing, cheering to their new holiday and having the time of their lives. I didn’t know what time I was living, I didn’t know what I would think of all this one day, looking back. All I knew was that I kept holding my son tight in my arms. Eddy was staring at me attentively; his little hands on my chest as if he was trying to ease the weight from it. I was running away from everything, I was finally free and my son was safe. I should have been smiling, celebrating like the rest of the passengers on the cruise. But I had lost Sebastian, I had lost him forever. Why can’t we have everything, why do we have to settle for ‘you can’t have it all?’ I didn’t want it all, just him. I wanted him. Please be safe, I prayed, my eyes still on the horizon and on what was left of the Italian coast. We were headed towards Africa, to our first stop on the cruise. Another tear danced its way down my cheek and immediately Eddy’s hands were on my face, ready to wipe it off. He was quick and he frowned as he caressed my skin, like it was painful to watch me cry.
“Don’t cry, mommy,” he whispered and nearly cried himself.
“I’m sorry, Eddy,” I smiled, even though my eyes were watery. No more, no more, I ordered myself to stop. For him, for my boy.
“I won’t cry anymore,” I reassured him. He cocked his head at me and breathed out a deep breath, smi
ling a little.
“Are you sad you said goodbye to Sebastian?” he asked and I couldn’t help but nod.
“He told me to tell you on the boat,” Eddy began to say and bit his little nails, his blue eyes staring at me curious.
“Tell me what on the boat?” my eyes lit up instantly. Sebastian had told him something, but when? What? I felt my stomach flutter.
“He told me when we hugged,” Eddy went on and pointed to one of the wooden benches on the deck. “Mommy, sit.”
I moved, my legs disconnected from my brain. My hands were shaking, I couldn’t seem to stop them. In silence, I stared at my son- on his knees on the wooden bench- as he pulled at the bag Sebastian had given me. I had it around my back and I had completely forgotten all about it.
“In here,” Eddy dug inside the bag and his excitement pulled me out of my haze for a moment.
Papers, documents, six passports, six different fake identities for me and Eddy, money – all the money Sebastian had found for us- and two envelopes. There was a small, white, sealed one with Eddy’s name written in the front. But the other one had my name on it. “What does it say, mommy?” Eddy jumped up and down a little, smiling hopeful now like he had just won a treasure hunt.
“I don’t know,” I shook my head, incredulous.
Whatever it said, it was a message from Sebastian, my Sebastian. I don’t think my fingers have ever moved so fast, not even on the piano. I tore it open and scanned the page quickly.
“I am watching you sleep, you just told me about Eddy. I am watching you both sleep and I can’t believe what I am seeing. You are mine, I am yours. I don’t think you understand the feeling, Andrea, the feeling of belonging to someone, somewhere. I’ve never had a single thing in my life that wasn’t consumed, corrupted and worthless. I am not good with words, I’ve always been very quiet, kept my distance from everyone and anything that could hurt or destroy me. But Andrea you deserve everything, you and Eddy deserve to hear it. I am in love with you, I am in love with you and Eddy. I always knew you were somewhere, waiting, that our paths would cross again.
I knew it was just a matter of time. We will have to part ways again, we need to say goodbye because I know how to save you, how to keep you away from Alejandro. But this means I have to stay, I have to stay back and protect your escape. You and Eddy need to go. Just remember this: I am yours and you are mine. When you feel lost, think about this moment, think of all that I did to keep you safe and look at Eddy. I am there, the only place I want to be. With you. I love you, Sebastian Esposito.” Sebastian Esposito, his real name. I read the letter two times and then folded it in my hands, hanging on to it a moment longer, pushing back the tears.
I am with you, I wanted to tell him. I was there, I had left a part of me there with him, on that shore in Italy. How many times can a heart break? How many pieces had I left with Sebastian?
“What does it say, mommy?” Eddy demanded to know. I smiled at him and kissed his tiny nose.
“Sebatian says he loves us,” I told him and Eddy smiled.
“What about here?” he pointed to the one with his name on it, Eddy’s full name. I had told him that night in the shed.
“Per Edoardo” “For Edoardo”
“This is for you,” I opened it quickly and scanned it first, before reading it out loud to Eddy. “Please give this to Eddy when he is older. So he will know who I was. Please read it to him, this is the story of a little boy who had nothing and lived on the streets of Naples. It’s my story. And it has a happy ending, Sad Eyes. It’s the story of a boy who started off with nothing, but now has everything. You.”
Chapter 16
One year and a half later
Katerina aka Andrea Szerov
“Katerina, Katerina” the old lady making bread called out for me and waved.
I smiled and waved back, making my way up to the little town centre.
It was like that in the small island of Folegandros.
Everyone knew your name, everyone called out for you as a sign of respect.
A greeting, a smile, a few words to brighten up your day. And so far, they had. They had brought peace and tranquillity in my life – most days anyway- more than I could ever imagine.
They were always calling out for me, calling out for Katerina.
Andrea was gone, I had wiped her away from the face of the Earth. I was Katerina Kochenov now, the only thing that was left of Andrea were her eyes.
I couldn’t hide those blue eyes, not even If I wanted to.
There were days I wished someone would recognize those eyes of mine. I sometimes imagined Sebastian walking around the world, looking for me and finally recognizing my sad eyes. Not my hair- it wasn’t long nor blonde anymore, but short and brown. But my eyes.
I never looked for him, just like he said. I wanted to, so many times I was on the verge of looking for him, but I never did.
I often wondered what had been of him, no news about Sebastian anywhere, not on the internet nor any news reports.
One day, I had caught sight of an article on Alejandro and I had read it quickly, scanned it fast hoping to see Sebastian’s name somewhere. Nothing.
Alejandro was still alive and well, after Sebastian had shot him in the chest. A miracle or a nightmare, depends how you see it but I wasn’t surprised.
It takes more than a gun to erase the devil from the streets of Rome.
He had been arrested, the day I made my escape. Six months later, he was sentenced to life and was spending his days in a prison down in Naples.
Hunger, violence, abuse. I wished him all the pain he had inflicted others, during his life as the boss of the De la Crux clan.
I tilted my head back and smiled at the blue sky above me, strained by a dozen magnificent white seagulls, rushing down to the sea.
Folegandros was our home now, mine and Eddy’s home since last winter, and I was planning on staying.
How things changed. All I had ever wanted before, were shining lights and a mundane life. Now I settled for a little Greek island, where the sun never seized to shine and the people never made you feel alone.
This must be what freedom really feels like, being happy anywhere, wherever you are.
Being at peace with yourself.
It felt like I was living a whole different life now. Sometimes my shoulders felt so light, my heartbeat almost normal and for a few instants it seemed like nothing ever happened. I was never Andrea Szerov, never Alejandro De La Cruz’s wife.
Then, there were times when I looked at Eddy and the memory of Sebastian became too hard to bare and I couldn’t face that blue sky, those smiling faces for days.
I thought about Sebastian, about our story and I hung on to that past life like there was no tomorrow, no matter how painful.
It’s okay to hurt, to be scared and feel lost sometimes. You’ll find your way. Just like I found mine.
Would I appreciate my life, my new life if I hadn’t gone through hell?
Do we really see the light without living the darkness first?
Sebastian had been my light, my guide out of hell. He was all I could see every time I gazed at Eddy.
Sebastian.
Sometimes I called out for him at night and then I remembered, why my heartbeat would never really be normal, why my shoulders would never truly ever be light again.
I had left Sebastian in hell. He was still there fighting, surviving.
But I knew he was okay. I could feel him somewhere, thinking of me, of us and Eddy.
Some people walk into your life to destroy it, some leave you in the moment of need. And then there are people like Sebastian, that walk into your life and change you, change the entire course of your existence. I know now, he was my guide through hell.
Had he forgotten about me? Had he ever tried to look for me? No, he wouldn’t have. He would never risk Eddy being found.
Eddy was now actually Matt and we were officially from Hungary but we lived many years in England and Italy,
because of Matt’s father’s job. We were separated. That was all. No going into details with anyone. I kept out of the spotlight, out of the gossip and locals didn’t press on. I was the foreigner who chose to live in a small, non-touristy island. The woman with a young child that ate everything, was eager to learn the language and traditions. They loved me. They loved Eddy, I mean Matt.
At the beginning, it wasn’t easy to convince Eddy to change name, but he gave in and has never asked me about his real name since. For now, at least.
He is only five, it is all just a game, all important and insignificant in a matter of minutes to him. He forgot about it, he never talked about Alejandro but he never stopped asking about Sebastian.
The bell rang and I hurried up the stairs that led to the town square. My music lesson had gone a little over, I was late picking up Matt.
When I arrived near the church he was already there with Mr. Stelios, still sitting on top of his donkey.
“Signomi” “I am sorry” I apologized.
Stelios, who was an old man and knew exactly the sort of lost cause I was with time, smiled and patted my back.
“No worry, Katerina. No worry,” he ruffled Matt’s hair and I took my son’s hand, while we made our way home.
We talked about school and what he had learned, what he wanted to do now that it was over.
“I want to go on the boat,” he clapped his hands. “Can we please mommy? Just around the beach?”
“Yes, okay, okay. No looking at me with those eyes of yours,” I touched his nose and he grinned.
“You mean your eyes.”
“My eyes,” I smiled at him and kissed his head.
He skipped down the cobbled road, as we turned into a narrow street, where our little white house with blue shades was, just off a cliff, overlooking one of the few sandy beaches of the island.
I froze, my shoe almost coming off as I did.
A man was waiting at our door, his back was to us. I couldn’t see his face properly.
All I could tell was that he was tall, broad shoulders, wearing a brown t-shirt and dark pants. No sandals. He wasn’t a local.