Later that day, when they were back in Kate’s shambolic flat, she had recounted the story to Alex and he had thrown her onto the settee and announced that he would never get annoyed with her untidy ways. Although he did say, with a solemn face, that her cooking had better improve because he refused point blank to eat one more round of burnt cheese on toast and then they had laughed and kissed and tumbled into bed. But there was a little nagging doubt in Kate’s head. Maybe her mother had said the same sort of thing to her father when they were in the first flush of love and romance, maybe she had found his messiness sweet and laughed at the chaos he left in his wake. But eventually it had driven an untidy wedge through their relationship. So just to be on the safe side, Kate resolved that she would try and be a little neater, nothing too over the top, just a little tidier, a little more organised. She would make sure that Alex could never give untidiness as a reason to leave her.
The light was still tickling Kate’s eyes, forcing them to open and for a moment she stared at the dust mites dancing in the sunlight peeping through the gap.
‘Alex,’ she murmured, suddenly unsure where she was. She was staring at a wardrobe that she didn’t remember.
‘Alex?’
She rolled over and remembered that she wasn’t in her old flat. She was in her house. Her grown up house. The house she and Alex had bought together. The house into which they had brought their adorable daughter. And the house which Alex had left the day before.
‘Oh.’
Sitting up Kate looked around her. Her old bedroom would have been covered with clothes and shoes, every drawer and wardrobe ajar. It always looked as though it had been ransacked. She remembered Alex’s look of alarm the first time he was invited back. He’d asked if she had been burgled and she had been indignant and defensive until she saw the twinkle in his eye. Then he’d thrown her onto the pile of clothes laid on her bed, reflecting her lack of decisiveness over what to wear that morning and pretended to be climbing a mountain as he hauled himself beside her.
That seemed such a long time ago thought Kate. This bedroom was an oasis of calm. Designer wardrobes and drawers filled with well organised clothes, all folded and put neatly away into drawers covered with scented liners or hung on padded hangers next to the small sachets of vanilla freshener in the wardrobe. Kate had taken her tidiness and organization to a level that impressed even the impossible to impress Marcia Brady.
The morning light was getting stronger and with a sudden burst of energy Kate leapt out of bed. Alex was coming home. He hadn’t actually left, Kate had misunderstood or Alex was playing a rather cruel joke but he hadn’t left. She needed to get dressed. No she needed to shower and get dressed. She needed to wash her hair and put on something nice. She needed to tidy the house. The house! If Alex came home now he would think she had gone back to her old untidy ways, she needed to clean and fast. And Millie. She needed Millie looking her best as well. Kate cocked her head to one side to see how awake Millie sounded on the baby monitor. Early morning sounds, she was waking but Kate had a little more time before her tiny daughter would start to vent her rage at any lack of attention and with a skip in her step, Kate launched herself under the shower, scrubbing and polishing until she came out glowing.
An hour and a half later Fiona was at the front door, her eyebrows raised at Kate’s changed demeanor. She was dressed, hair gleaming, face smiling with a happy chuckling Millie dressed in an adorable pink denim dress sitting on her hip.
‘Fee!’ Kate dragged her friend into the kitchen, putting Millie in her highchair. The kitchen had undergone the same transformation and the work surfaces shone, not a thing out of place.
‘Did you ask Stuart for me? Will he do it? Will he check where Alex is? Does he mind?’
Kate was filling the kettle, passing Millie a chopped up banana to gum and taking cups and saucers out of the cupboard all at the same time.
‘Kate.’ Fiona stopped. She took the cups out of Kate’s hand and drew her friend to one of the kitchen chairs. ‘Sit down Kate. The tea will wait.’
‘No I …’
‘Kate sit down.’
Kate was shaking her head, her shoulders tense. ‘I know I’m right Fee,’ she said defiantly. ‘I know I’m right and I just need Stuart to check it for me, that’s all. I just …’
‘He already has Kate.’
Silence fell in the kitchen, broken only by happy mumblings from Millie as she smeared banana over her face.
‘He’s asked already? He’s been to Alex’s office and …’
‘He went there first thing.’
‘Right,’ nodded Kate. ‘And what did they say? Where is Alex? Did they say when he was expected back?’
‘Alex was in the office honey. He was sitting at his desk when Stuart walked in.’
‘Oh.’
It was a small sound, uncertain, confused.
‘Stuart asked him what was happening, as a friend. He said you were upset and seemed to think Alex had left.’
Kate seemed not be listening, she was staring out of the window her eyes darting round the garden but her shoulders were tense, her body was still.
Fiona took her friend’s hand. ‘Alex said that he …’ Fiona bit her lip, trying to look into Kate’s wild eyes. ‘He said that he had left, that you two had split up.’
Kate shook her head. ‘No.’ she said decisively, ‘No. We haven’t split up. He’s just angry about something and…’
‘Kate darling, please listen. Alex has gone. He has left you. He isn’t playing games, he’s left.’
Kate let out a cry, a piercing cry that stopped Millie, hand halfway to her mouth as she turned to look at her mother and which made Fiona’s eyes fill with tears.
‘I’m so sorry Kate darling, I’m so very sorry but Alex has gone.’
Chapter 6
The day passed in a blur of tears and pain. Kate looked after Millie, she made her daughter some tea, bathed her, loved her – all with tears rolling down her face. The pain was unimaginable. Alex had left her. The husband she adored had gone, her perfect marriage, it appeared, had not been so perfect after all.
She had asked Fiona if it was because of Sandra Maddison but Fiona had shaken her head and said ‘Of course not Kate. I really wished I’d never mentioned the woman. I can’t believe that Alex would have an affair.’
‘Didn’t Stuart ask? Didn’t he ask Alex why he’d gone and where he was staying and …’
‘It wasn’t really an appropriate time and place to ask anything, standing in the middle of the office. Stuart was trying to be discreet and he’s a man at the end of the day, they don’t do the whole let’s talk about what’s happening thing!’
Kate had smiled wanly and asked Fiona to thank her husband for at least going to find out where Alex was.
‘There’s no gossip though Kate, no-one seems to know that Alex has gone. He may not have told you what’s happening but he hasn’t told anyone else either.’
Later in the afternoon Kate insisted Fiona left to pick up her children from school and turned down an offer to join her and Stuart for supper. She said she had a lot of thinking to do and although she sat in the armchair, hugging the fire while Millie had her afternoon nap, she actually thought very little, her mind a haze of confusion.
She had refused to phone her mother. She couldn’t bear to see the rebuke in Marcia’s eyes, the inevitable feeling of failure. ‘I did tell you it was hard Kate. I told you that you would have to change your ways to keep your husband.’ No, Marcia would have to wait for a little while longer, at least until Kate could explain what had happened and why Alex had walked out on their supposedly happy marriage.
So Kate had gone through the motions for the rest of the day, her heart a physical ache inside her body as she smiled and cooed at Millie and held her little daughter tightly to her chest. At nine o’ clock when Fiona walked round to Kate’s house to see how her distraught friend was coping, she found the lights off, the curtains closed and the house in da
rkness; although if she’d listened very hard she may have been able to hear Kate sobbing as she curled up in her big empty bed wondering where she had gone so terribly wrong.
It was a lovely warm day and Kate could feel the weight of Alex’s arm around her waist as they stood at the patio door admiring the flower strewn garden. ‘Your mum has a lovely house Kate.’
Kate snorted. Marcia Brady had always kept a tidy house. She was fanatical about order, everything had its place and there was a place for everything. Kate’s dad had been very different. He would wander in from his shed and put a spanner on the work surface, right next to the potatoes Marcia was peeling. He would take off his muddy boots at the door as directed but leave them upended on the floor and not side by side on the mat. He would look for things in the sideboard and leave the contents of the drawers scattered across the surface. He was a happy, relaxed man whose untidiness irritated his wife beyond belief. When her parents finally divorced, Kate had relished the thought of spending time with Graham Brady at his tiny new flat, where she wouldn’t have to worry about leaving her clothes on the floor, washing up her cup immediately after its use and making sure that every surface was clutter free and polished to a high shine. Except she had soon come to notice that once away from the family home, Graham Brady seemed almost as tidy as his wife and Kate had watched with bewildered eyes the first time she and her father returned home from a rainy afternoon walk and he put both his own and Kate’s wellies neatly side by side on the mat. She had never shared this information with her mother. Kate was quite happy with the blame she had imposed on Marcia Brady and the scenario where her unrelenting tidiness had driven her husband out of the house. But the memory had stayed like a sharp little thorn in her brain.
‘She’s obsessive,’ Kate had said dismissively as she turned away from the garden and sat on the settee. She could hear the clink of the teapot as her mother waited for the kettle to boil in the kitchen.
Alex had shrugged, examining the silver photo frames set out neatly on the sideboard, all pictures of Kate at various stages of growth. ‘But it’s nice isn’t it?’
Kate looked at him blankly.
‘Coming into a house like this. It’s nice.’
The conversation had ended as Marcia arrived at the doorway and Alex had jumped to his feet to open the door a little wider and pull out the coffee table which Marcia always used for the tea tray. Kate had looked around the spotless living room with its elegant furniture, polished surfaces and plumped cushions. She had deliberately kept her own flat in a state of perpetual untidiness once she’d finally moved out from under Marcia’s immaculate iron rod. She had done it mainly to annoy her mother but as Kate sipped her tea she looked around and accepted that maybe it was nice to spend time in such a pleasant room where everything was organised, coordinated and tidy. Marcia had created a room of harmony and peace. At least Alex seemed to think so and Kate watched him as he drank his tea and chatted to Marcia.
Alex’s parents lived in New Zealand. They had moved there as soon as he had started his first job and although he spoke to them regularly on the phone there was no cosy family home to retreat to at the weekend. But he seemed more than happy to visit Marcia and it was Kate who would sit on the edge of the settee, watching the clock and waiting until she could reasonably say it was time to go. Alex by contrast, loved spending time in Marcia’s home and would sit perfectly relaxed amongst the immaculate cushions sipping tea from his china cup with an expression of sheer contentment on his face.
When she and Alex arrived back at the flat that evening, Kate had looked at the mismatched furniture and haphazard decor with new eyes and the following day she bought two matching cushions and a new pair of curtains. She would give Alex the kind of home he wanted, even if that meant adopting some of her mother’s approach to life.
Kate turned over. It must be late, the sun was starting to peep through the curtains and she could hear Millie chuntering to herself.
‘Oh Alex,’ she whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek. ‘I tried so hard, why did you go?’
Millie’s chuntering was growing louder and eventually Kate sat up and swung her legs onto the floor. It was time to start another day.
When Fiona came round that evening, a bottle of wine clutched under her arm, Kate led her through to the kitchen where her laptop sat on the table. The evidence of a day spent crying showed in her red rimmed eyes and she looked frail and deeply sad.
‘I think it may be my fault Alex left,’ she said in a voice that was raw with crying.
‘What! Oh Kate, you can’t blame yourself. Alex just isn’t thinking clearly, he’s having a midlife crisis or something.’
Fiona waved her hand at Kate’s raised eyebrow, ‘Okay he’s a bit young for a midlife crisis but he’s having something similar! He’ll come round. But you can’t blame yourself honey!’
Kate was shaking her head sadly. ‘But I’ve spent the day reading about it Fee, and I definitely did something wrong.’
‘Reading about what?’
‘Husbands leaving, why they leave, why they come back, if they come back.’
Fiona looked confused. ‘Where …?’
‘I looked it up on Google.’
‘Google?’
‘The answer to everything is always on Google Fee.’
‘Well, the answer to most things may be on Google but I would have thought in this instance marriage counselling would be more appropriate.’
‘But marriage counselling takes two! And besides, Google was full of really interesting information. All about why men leave their wives and I really think,’ Kate’s voice cracked and her eyes were once again swimming with tears, ‘that it’s my fault.’
Fiona opened the wine, filling two glasses and thrusting one into Kate’s hand. ‘You stop this right now Kate Patterson. I don’t care what Google says, you are not to blame! Alex has walked out, how can that possibly be your fault?’
‘I think I neglected him?’
‘Neglected him! Hardly Kate, I don’t think I know of a less neglected husband than Alex. In fact, if anything you did far too much for him, he had an easy life you know …’
Kate waved her hand in the air as she interrupted. ‘Yes, yes. I looked after him physically, but did I neglect him emotionally?’
‘Emotionally?’
‘Yes, did I look after his emotional needs as well as iron his shirts?’
‘I – er, well I’m not sure…’
‘You see I’ve been looking at what Google has to say and I think I may have left him feeling unappreciated and wondering what his role in the household was after Millie arrived.’
‘His role in the household! What on earth is that supposed to mean?’
‘I think he’s having an affair.’
‘Oh Kate we’ve been through all this. I’m sorry I ever mentioned Sandra Maddison. I’m certain that Alex would never have an affair with her, it’s madness to even think such a thing.’
‘Then why did he go Fee? If we were so happy and so in love – why did he go?’
There was silence as Fee looked helpless and Kate dried the tears sliding down her cheeks.
‘Oh Kate, I wish I knew what to say!’
But Kate was tapping away at her laptop, turning the screen round so Fiona could see. ‘All these husbands told their wives they needed space. They were feeling trapped and tied down or just not sure what they wanted out of life and needed some time to think.’
‘Don’t tell me,’ interrupted Fiona caustically,’ they needed to find themselves!’
‘Yes, but most of them turned out to be having affairs – or about to have affairs or wanting to have affairs.’
Fiona shook her head.
‘This lot,’ Kate flicked frantically through a few more pages, ‘they were all honest enough to tell their wives there was someone else.’
‘Well thank goodness for honesty,’ remarked Fiona taking a large glug of wine.
‘Now this section,’ Kate pau
sed, her lip trembling slightly. ’These are different. Because these men all said there was no-one else, they just didn’t want to be with their wives anymore. They no longer loved them, they didn’t want to spend any more time with them.’
Kate turned to Fiona. ‘I couldn’t bear it if Alex was in this group Fee. I just couldn’t cope with the thought that he’d left because he couldn’t stand being in the same house as me anymore.’
Fiona put down her glass and reached a hand out to her friend. ‘Don’t be ridiculous Kate, it was obvious to anyone who saw you two together that he adored you!’
‘Then why did he leave?’ whispered Kate. ‘Why did he go if there was nothing wrong with our marriage?’
‘I don’t know honey, I only wish I had an answer for you.’
‘If he’s having an affair…’
‘Kate stop …’
‘If he’s having an affair,’ continued Kate, ‘then I have to ask myself why.’
‘Surely you should ask him that?’
‘I have to ask myself what went wrong in our marriage that made him turn to someone else. And according to this …’
‘According to Google?’
‘Yes, according to Google, one of the reasons why husbands have affairs isn’t because they’ve fallen in love with someone else, it’s because they feeling lost and quite lonely even though they’re married. They feel their wives are neglecting them.’
‘Oh Kate! Alex is the least neglected person I’ve ever known. You cook him a cordon bleu meal every night of the week, you keep this home immaculate, you clean, wash, iron. You iron his underwear for God’s sake! And you think he’s feeling neglected?’
Kate nodded her head sadly. ‘I must have forgotten something Fee. Because that’s what it says here,’ Kate pointed at the laptop. ‘Men have affairs because they feel abandoned, not important to their wives anymore. Especially when a new baby comes along.’
‘Then those men need to grow up!’ declared Fiona, ignoring Kate’s admonishing look as she slammed her wine glass onto the table without using a coaster. ‘They need to thank their lucky stars that they’ve got a lovely new baby and a wife and a tidy house and stop sulking about how little attention they’re getting.’
Google Your Husband Back Page 5