‘But I didn’t …’
‘No Kate, this isn’t about what you didn’t do it’s about Alex behaving very badly.’
‘But Fee, you said yourself that life shouldn’t stop just because you have children.’
There was a pause. ‘Well yes,’ admitted Fiona reluctantly. ‘I did say that you should still go out occasionally …’
‘You said it was important to carry on enjoying each other’s company.’
Fiona ground her teeth. ‘Well yes, I did say that but …’
‘So I did neglect him?’
‘No! You didn’t neglect him.’
‘I think I did Fee. I think I looked after his physical needs but I forgot about his emotional needs. I stopped appreciating him as my husband and my lover and he felt alone and unwanted.’ Kate’s voice was unsteady as she choked back tears.
‘No! Kate no. You decided not to go to the Christmas party – that hardly constitutes neglect!’
‘Well it was enough for Alex to start an affair with Sandra Maddison. You see Fee I should have made sure he knew that I still needed him. It says right here that men have to feel wanted, they have to feel that someone needs them and I think I forgot to do that.’
The conversation ended.
‘Kate?’
‘Mm?’
‘I’ve been thinking. What did Alex want you to do that you weren’t doing?’
She could hear Kate tapping on her computer.
‘Er – fulfill his emotional needs as well as his physical needs.’
‘Yes – but what does that actually mean Kate?’
‘Well it means that although I still looked after him, did his washing and cooked for him, I wasn’t er fulfilling his emotional needs.’
‘I’m hearing you Kate but what exactly were his emotional needs?’
More tapping.
‘Well he needs to feel wanted, appreciated, admired, er … as though he still has an important place in the household…
‘Okay. So what should you have been doing?’
‘Fulfilling his emotional needs …’
‘Stop saying that! What I’m asking is what were these emotional needs he was having so much trouble with?’
‘Well I’m not entirely sure exactly which ones ...’
‘So it’s just words, isn’t it? It’s just an excuse for a man that’s feeling a bit fed up because he’s not first in the pecking order any more. He can claim that his emotional needs aren’t being fulfilled and you take all the blame and feel dreadful for letting him down. And what about your emotional needs Kate? If you’re busy looking after Alex’s overwhelming need to be appreciated, who is supposed to be making sure your emotional connection is still thriving and your vitality is still – vital?’
The conversation ended.
‘He needed to feel desire Fee. He needed to feel that I couldn’t wait for him to get home - simply because I missed him, not because I needed a hand with the cooking. He needed to feel that I thought about him during the day and looked forward to seeing him every night. You see that’s all emotional stuff. Nothing physical.’
‘He needs to grow up and remember that you’ve got a baby on your hip and a house to look after!’
‘But he’s right Fee,’ said Kate wistfully. ‘Because I did used to think about him during the day. I used to think about him all the time and I couldn’t wait to get home from work just so I could see him.’
‘We all feel like that at the beginning honey. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel it now but not necessarily every minute of the day. Life gets in the way, children come along. It’s called being grown up Kate.’
A sob drifted down the line.
‘I still look forward to Stuart coming home but I must admit a lot of the time it’s so I have another pair of hands in the kitchen. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love him Kate. I’m honest with him, I tell him I need some help and he helps. It doesn’t mean we’re not emotionally connected. I get tired, I lay in bed and cuddle him and tell him I love him but that sex is simply not an option that night and he doesn’t sulk or have an affair with someone.’
‘Maybe I just didn’t tell him I loved him enough Fee,’ whispered Kate. ‘But I thought he knew. I thought he knew that I loved him with all my heart. I thought I knew he loved me. I thought we were happy. I thought that life would get easier when Millie got older and I went back to work. I thought that we’d always be together and that we’d be old and grey but still holding hands on the settee.’
Fiona’s voice was as unsteady as Kate’s own. ‘I know honey, I know.’
‘And if he’s gone because of something I did or didn’t do then I need a chance to put it all right.’
Tears were rolling down Kate’s cheeks as she carried on. ‘I just want him to come home Fee, I just want Alex home.’
And the conversation ended.
Chapter 10
Kate was staring listlessly into the fridge and wondering if she could summon enough energy to make herself something to eat when Fiona arrived.
‘Stuart’s taken the kids to his mother’s for Sunday lunch,’ she announced holding out a pizza box and a bottle of wine. ‘He said he’d look after the kids for the day and I should come and spend some time with you. Because we’re a partnership,’ she continued pointedly, ‘and because we support each other when necessary even though our attention may be elsewhere.’
Fiona grinned and Kate couldn’t help smiling back although the muscles in her cheeks felt weak from lack of use.
They sat in the kitchen with the pizza on the table and when Kate started to get out plates, knives forks, serviettes, Fiona had put a hand on her arm.
‘Really not necessary Kate, it’s just you, me and a pizza!’
And Kate had stared at the greasy box and Fiona with a piece already in her fingers and shrugged. She gave Millie a little corner to gum on and opened the wine.
‘Glasses or shall we just drink from the bottle?’
Fiona grinned delightedly. ‘Well that’s more like the Kate I know!’
For a while they munched happily, Millie finding that pizza was to her liking and Kate realising that she was in fact starving.
She licked her fingers thoughtfully, remembering how good food tasted straight from the container.
When she’d met Alex her kitchen contained two mismatched plates and an odd assortment of cutlery. Her mother had every known implement including soup spoons, fish knives and salad forks and not only were they kept in their original boxes and cleaned regularly, they were actually used. The first time she and Alex had eaten a meal at Marcia’s house, Kate had started to apologise for the vast expanse of cutlery that was lined at either side of the plate.
But Alex had interrupted her with a smile. ‘It’s okay – I love having the full set out, don’t you?’
Kate didn’t. She had always found it unnecessary and another sign of her mother’s unbending formality. But she swallowed her words and instead watched Alex instinctively reach for the correct fork when Marcia served a salad for starters. She couldn’t fail to see the little glimpse of approval in her mother’s eyes.
Later, as they drove home, Kate had asked Alex about cutlery.
‘Cutlery?’ he’d laughed, flicking her a glance as he drove. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well not many people bother to have anything more than a knife and fork these days, except for my mother who finds it perfectly normal,’ complained Kate.
‘Oh my grandma used to have the most amazing collection, it was my job to clean them when I went to visit. I used to love having three or four different knives lined up to eat beans on toast!’ he had laughed.
Kate had smiled and nodded. And some months later, she had included on her wedding list a full set of cutlery including desert spoons, salad forks and fish knives so whenever they ate there was always more than one knife and fork beside Alex’s plate.
‘So,’ began Fiona, taking a sip of wine and sitting back. ‘Do you still
want Alex back?’
Kate stared at her. ‘Of course!’
‘Even though you know he’s left you and moved in with Sandra Maddison?’
Kate closed her eyes. Hearing the words out loud was like a knife plunging through her heart.
‘Yes,’ she whispered.
‘And you think you could forgive him?’
Another knife, more pain. Actually, she didn’t think she would ever really be able to forgive Alex. He had shattered her life and broken her dreams of the perfect marriage.
‘Yes,’ she said and when Fiona raised an eyebrow Kate continued. ‘I have to forgive him Fee, or at least I have to say that I forgive him, it’s the only way I can get him back and we can move on.’
Fiona sighed. ‘You could move on without him,’ she suggested. ‘Admit it didn’t work and make a new life for you and Millie.’
‘No! I can’t Fee, I just can’t! He’s made a mistake that’s all. He’s fed up or depressed or something but he’s just made a mistake. We love each other, deep down I know he still loves me and he will come home. I just need to make sure he knows he can.’
Fiona shook her head disapprovingly. ‘I think you’re mad to even consider letting him back Kate but if that’s what you want, okay.’
Kate looked at her questioningly.
‘Well let’s get on with it then,’ said Fiona and she pushed the pizza box out of the way and pulled Kate’s laptop in front of them.
‘You’ve told me all the reasons why Alex may have left, now let’s find all the reasons he might come back!’
For the next hour Kate and Fiona trawled the internet. They looked at site after site, went onto forums that left them weeping with tales of unhappiness and betrayal, read articles on how to rescue marriages, how to rekindle the love between spouses and more to the point, what to do when the love of your life leaves you for another woman.
While Kate read longingly of accounts where common sense had won and shamefaced husbands appeared on the doorstep after a few weeks, Fiona went straight to the advice pages and started making copious notes on a pad she found in the kitchen drawer.
‘Okay, we have a strategy!’ declared Fiona.
Kate flicked on the kettle and then sat expectantly at the table.
‘It’s essential that you don’t stalk him, ring him incessantly, text him non-stop or generally follow him around begging him to come back,’ began Fiona sternly.
Kate blushed. ‘It was just the one call,’ she said defensively, ‘and you said that you would have probably done the same.’
‘It was one call and nineteen texts Kate but that’s okay, we’ll put that on the ‘made a mistake but won’t do again pile’ just remember no more contact from you. It’s essential that in future Alex is the one making the calls.’
Kate nodded. ‘Okay.’
‘And when you do speak you must be calm, in control and in no way desperate and weepy.’
Kate bit her lip. She wasn’t entirely sure she would be able to do calm and controlled. She was even less sure that she could hide how desperate and weepy she felt. But she nodded at Fiona’s querying look.
‘If you stop communication with him then he’ll start to wonder what you’re doing and how you’re managing without him. He’ll start to think of you more and more and want to get in touch,’ read Fiona.
Alex had made no attempt to get in touch with Kate since his departure. He hadn’t seemed overly curious to know how she was getting on and he certainly hadn’t asked anything at all about what she was doing during her hysterical phone call to him.
‘How long does that take?’ she demanded.
‘Er, well it doesn’t say exactly how long to wait, just to be patient.’
Kate chewed her lip. She would have preferred an exact time frame but she nodded at Fiona to continue.
‘You must not obsess about the other woman – it’s hours of your life you won’t ever get back,’ quoted Fiona, ‘forget about her and concentrate on yourself.’
Now that was an impossible task, decided Kate. Every time she closed her eyes she relived the moment she saw her husband’s arms slide round Sandra’s waist and the way she had turned round to meet his lips. Every time she thought of Alex, which was every minute of every day since he had left, she also thought about Sandra Maddison. Every time she wept and wondered why he had left, she wondered what Sandra had promised that made him prepared to turn his back on his wife and child. She constantly wondered how and when the affair had started, where they had met, what they had done – oh that was a particularly painful thought, the ever present vision of her husband and another woman in bed together.
Fiona was watching her carefully.
‘Kate?’
‘Sorry, yes, no obsessing about Sandra Maddison,’ repeated Kate obediently, wondering what Sandra was doing at that precise moment in time, whether she was sitting on her settee with Alex by her side, feeling quite smug that she had managed to ensnare Kate’s husband.
Fiona stroked the back of her friend’s hand in sympathy then carried on.
‘Next, you need to go out and make new friends,’ instructed Fiona.
‘New friends?’ asked Kate startled. ‘Can’t I just make do with the ones I have?
Fiona frowned. ‘Well, I would rather I stayed your friend and I do want to help but it does say you should have new friends.’
‘Why?’
Fiona flicked through the notes in front of her. ‘So Alex can see that you are not lost without him. That you’re moving on. Apparently they don’t like it when they see their wives getting on with life. You move on and he’ll want to move on with you. I think.’
They both stayed silent.
‘Maybe this advice is for women who don’t already have a good friend?’ suggested Kate.
‘Yes! I think you’re probably right.’
A little happier Fiona continued.
‘You need to have some fun.’
‘Fun!’
Kate stared. How on earth was it possible to have fun when your husband had just walked out on your marriage.
‘What kind of fun?’
‘Well any kind really but you should go out and look happy and relaxed so that – well so that you feel happy and relaxed but also so that Alex sees you having fun and starts to wonder what it would be like to be back with you – having fun together.’
Kate frowned. ‘I don’t really feel like going anywhere,’ she confessed. ‘To be honest it’s a struggle getting out of bed in the morning without having to go out and have fun.’
Fiona looked sympathetic, ‘I can imagine honey.’
‘And how would Alex know if I was having fun anyway? If I’m not speaking to him, not communicating in any way. How on earth is he going to know I’ve just been out and had two hours of solid fun?’
‘Mm, that’s a good point,’ mused Fiona going back to the laptop. ‘It doesn’t specify exactly what fun or where or how.’
She fell silent, her brow furrowed. ‘I suppose at some point it will just become obvious. I mean he phones up and asks to see Millie and you say - oh great because I wanted to go salsa dancing tonight.’
‘Salsa dancing?’
‘Well it doesn’t have to be salsa dancing as such, it could be yoga if you prefer. Although I think you naturally have slightly less fun at yoga than salsa.’
Kate stared out of the window dreamily. ‘I used to go salsa dancing you know.’
Fiona’s eyebrows shot upwards. ‘You did?’
‘Mm. I loved it. I stopped when I started going out with Alex because he’s not a fan. He liked line dancing.’
‘So did you go line dancing together?’
‘No because…’
Kate stopped. Actually she couldn’t really remember why they hadn’t gone. She had happily stopped her salsa evenings because Alex suggested line dancing as an alternative, but it had just never happened.
‘Then maybe salsa dancing is something you should do now.’
K
ate looked at Fiona as though she were mad.
‘Alex had just left me for another women and you think that’s the ideal time to start salsa dancing?’
But Fiona was looking quite excited. ‘Yes! Oh Kate yes that’s exactly what you should do!’
She grinned at her baffled friend. ‘And I know exactly the class you should go to!’
Kate looked blank.
‘It’s on a Friday night at the wine bar by the library. Starts 7.00 I think, before the bar gets too busy.
‘What on earth …’
‘It’s the perfect opportunity Kate. I’ll look after Millie.’
‘Fiona I am not going to salsa. I have much more important things to worry about …’
‘It’s all part of the plan Kate. You can go out, make new friends, have fun and let Alex know that you are moving on without him - all in one hour a week. Perfect!’
‘But I…’
‘Because that’s where Olivia has started going! A few weeks ago. She loves it and has persuaded Helen in Sales to go with her as well. Don’t you see Kate, it’ll be all round the office in no time at all if you join them. Alex is bound to find out.
‘I don’t know Fee, I can’t see why Alex would come back just because I’ve started going to salsa.’
‘You were the one who said Google had the answers Kate. Google is telling you how to put it right. You have to follow the advice. You have to go to salsa!’
‘Google doesn’t say I have to go to salsa.’
‘It says you have to go somewhere and have fun and unless you’ve got a better idea, salsa it is!’
‘But …’
‘No buts. Do you want him back?’
‘’Yes,’ whispered Kate. ‘I do.’
‘Then while I don’t agree that you should even think of letting him back into your life, I accept that you want to try and this is a good place to start.’
Google Your Husband Back Page 8