She sensed he was running from her and from his admission to her, but she was so overwhelmed, she could do nothing to stop him. Marguerite nodded and Orrick walked quickly from the room.
The more she learned about him, the more of an enigma he became. Every time she thought to be gaining some understanding about him—even about herself—he turned it inside out. The man to whom she gave her all tossed her aside and the man who she continued to vex and who stood to gain more from her leaving wanted her to stay.
It made no sense. None at all.
Brother David roused just then from his nap and he stretched and stood. “Your pardon, my lady. Your voice was so soothing that I confess to being lulled to sleep. Would you like to continue?”
Pushing away the confusion in her heart and in her thoughts, she decided not to waste the time that Orrick had given her. “Mayhap I could see that collection of remedies from the physician Dioscorides? De Matera Medica. There on the third shelf.”
She pointed to the large red leather-bound book she’d seen earlier. She thought there might be something of interest to Brother Wilfrid in it so she spent the rest of the time in the chamber leafing through the many herbal concoctions and medical facts reportedly spoken and written by the esteemed healer from ancient times.
Unfortunately, her thoughts continued to return over and over to the words wrung from Orrick—In spite of knowing your heart and your body have been given to someone else, I have fallen in love with you….
“I was despairing of you finding an appropriate match, my lord.”
Orrick did not turn from staring out the window. He’d begun to think that telling Marguerite of the true feelings he held for her wasn’t the good idea it had seemed to be. Gavin had urged him to disclose his love and he’d followed his friend’s advice.
When Marguerite had pressed him for the reason behind his actions, actions that presented a loss to him in the things that mattered most to noblemen, he’d told her the truth. Even though she had made it clear that she was deeply unhappy here, he’d revealed his love and told her he would press his case to keep her. Now that pledge seemed foolhardy at best as his confidence that he could convince her to stay waned.
“Your lady mother, as well,” Godfrey continued.
That caught his attention. “You’ve spoken to my mother about my marriage?”
“Written to, not spoken to.” The monk nodded and smiled.
“Then you know of her opposition to Marguerite,” Orrick said, now turning to face the abbot.
“I did not sense opposition, Orrick. I sensed concern over the king’s choice at first, but I do not believe she disapproves of your wife.”
Startled by the revelation that Godfrey communicated with his mother, and seemingly on some regular schedule, Orrick crossed the room to stand before Godfrey. “Of course she does!”
“Lady Constance agrees with me that Marguerite is a good match for you. You two share many traits in common and that can be the basis of a sound marriage.”
“I do not know how you can say that, Godfrey. Marguerite refuses to take her place as my wife and my mother has…”
He stopped and thought on his mother’s opposition. She had only openly complained about Marguerite during that time when Marguerite’s behavior was driving everyone mad. Lady Constance had requested that Marguerite take her rightful place as lady of Silloth and had tried to make her welcome. Mayhap she did not oppose this marriage?
“You are both intelligent, well-read, good spirited people. She has a wonderful mind for a woman, Orrick, and would be of great help to you in all aspects of running your estates.”
“If she wanted to stay.”
“What do you mean? ’Tis obvious to anyone watching you that you love each other. What reason could there be for her to leave?”
It hurt to admit failure, but if not to your confessor, then to whom could you? “She has a child by the king.”
Godfrey looked startled as he should at news of this seriousness. “I do not understand. A child?”
“’Tis a natural consequence of physical relations between a man and a woman,” he said dryly. He could hear the bitterness in his voice. “Now she will always be bound to him. As a result, she does not wish to continue in this marriage.”
“Orrick, marriage is a serious institution and obligation. She cannot simply decide not to be married.”
“As you said, Godfrey, she is intelligent. She knows that an annulment is the only way, and I have promised to gain your support for it.”
The abbot leaned his head into his hands and Orrick thought he could hear him swearing under his breath. “You would risk your immortal soul by lying?”
“I promised her I would ask for your backing in this, Godfrey. She does not want to remain here as my wife.”
The monk slammed his hands down on the table and looked at him, glaring at him in a most unreligious manner. “In order to gain my support for this, you must be able to answer my questions truthfully and on pain of eternal damnation if you lie.”
“And your questions?” If it would bring her happiness, he would consider it.
“Do you wish to end this marriage?”
Orrick winced. No.
“Is there some link of affinity or consanguinity that is prohibited by God’s laws?”
Orrick clenched his jaws. No.
“Did you agree to this marriage under false pretenses or at a time when you could not legally give your consent?”
Orrick turned away at that one since he and Godfrey had discussed the “pretenses” of the marriage in advance. In depth.
“One last question.”
Orrick tensed, knowing what was coming.
“Have you consummated this marriage?”
“Damn it, Godfrey! I do not want an annulment. I admit it to you.” Orrick paced the length of the chamber. “I have offered her all that I have and it is not enough.” Orrick sat on a stool and held his head in his hands. He felt the monk’s hand on his shoulder and he looked up.
“I tell you that the woman who sat here a few hours ago loves you, Orrick. She is most likely battling with her feelings even as you are. I would counsel you to give this more time,” Godfrey urged. “Tell her I will take the matter under consideration. That should delay her enough to give her the time she needs to realize what is in her heart.”
“You may have the honor of telling her that, friend. I also told her about the provisions in the contract for her income. I am certain you will want to make arrangements with her for the profits the estates have made.”
Godfrey frowned and then smiled. Orrick worried more about the smile. “I will go and speak to her now.”
Brother David replaced the priceless book on the shelf as she watched. The room grew darker as the sun moved toward setting, and candles would be needed to read any longer. Since the monks would be called to prayer and their meager evening meal, Marguerite prepared to leave. She had already sent Edmee out to meet with their party.
“My lady? Might I have a word with you before you leave?” The abbot stood at the door. She nodded and he motioned to the corridor. “Walk with me?”
’Twould be discourteous to refuse his request, and she was curious. She walked at his side back past his office and then farther down the other side of the building.
“Orrick thought that collection might please you.”
“It did, Abbot. I have only heard of such books as the ones you have.”
“There are many that you could borrow for a time. Not the rare ones, but some of those that we have copies of would be available to you.”
“Truly?”
“Lord Orrick’s sponsorship supports this abbey and its work. Allowing his wife access to our collection is the least we can do to show our appreciation.”
“Good abbot, if I did not know better, I would say that sounds like bribery.”
“’Tis bribery, my lady. Pure and simple.”
She laughed out loud at his candor. “I susp
ect you serve as my lord’s confessor as well as his friend and mentor.”
“I do, my lady. I must admit, however, that it is such a joyous difference to find a woman who appreciates the written word.” The abbot paused before a door. “You will, I believe, find this interesting, as well.”
He opened the door and Marguerite beheld the largest scriptorium she’d ever seen. Dozens of raised writing tables filled the chamber. Some monks continued to work by the light of precious beeswax candles spread throughout the room. The silence that permeated such a large room with so many people within it amazed her.
“Our brothers supply a number of monasteries and abbeys and churches in the north of England with prayer books and Bibles. And we accept private commissions, as well.”
Her presence at the door did not seem to disturb the monks and she marveled at their abilities as well as their concentration to the task of reproducing the manuscripts in their collection.
“I would like to donate one-fourth of my income to help fund your work here, Abbot.”
“That would be a generous gift to us, my lady.”
“I would like one-fourth sent to my sister’s community, as well.”
“God will bless you for your charity, my lady.”
She turned to face him now for the rest of it. It only seemed right to her that Orrick share in the income that his administration produced. “I would like Lord Orrick to receive one-fourth, as well.”
“He would rather have the benefits of your education and your skills than your gold.”
Marguerite blinked in surprise, shocked by this monk’s honesty. “Will the gold compensate him if I cannot give him what he wishes for?”
“My lady, even this old man can see the love you bear for each other and the pride that keeps you from sharing it.”
“Is that what you think? Pride keeps us apart?”
She knew now from whom Orrick had learned his ability to assess others so well. She did not argue his words about love since she had begun to suspect that the feelings she held in her heart for Orrick were love. ’Twas very different from the feelings she bore for Henry though, so she was not certain enough to tell Orrick yet.
The abbot began walking from the chamber and Marguerite followed him. He left the building and stepped into the courtyard. “Lady, I know of your relationship with the king and I think we both understand that it could not have continued. Although you may have given your heart in good faith, his is known to be fickle and changeable.”
Could she ask this holy man advice? Other religious men had turned her away, insulted and snubbed her. But Godfrey was as different from them as Orrick was from the nobles she knew at court. As if he heard her concerns voiced, he took her hand in his and patted it.
“My lady, my history is unlike most clergy here. I have lived in the secular world and even lived in the holy estate of marriage before taking my vows. There is little you could say that would surprise or shock me. Feel at ease and do not worry that I could not comprehend your troubles.”
Deciding that she did indeed need his insight, she nodded. Her hands trembled and so she held them tightly together. Marguerite hesitated to even think it.
“If I was so very wrong about my love for the king, how do I know if I am making the same mistake again? I mean that I lived in ignorance of Henry’s ways and saw only what he showed me.” She had changed in these past few weeks. Once she’d seen Henry’s perfidy for what it was, ’twas difficult to trust anyone again. Or consider loving someone else. “How do I know that is not happening all over again?”
“Now that all you know is gone, you must learn anew.”
“But how do I do that?”
“Be pragmatic, lady. Apply what you learned from reading the philosophers and scientists. Accept what you can prove or what can be demonstrated. Examine the evidence before you and decide which path to take.”
“Good brother, that sounds much too rigid to be applied to matters of the heart,” Marguerite argued.
“Do not worry. Lord Orrick’s character will withstand any test you perform. But, lady, I ask you not to trifle with him.” The abbot leaned toward her and smiled. “He is a good man and I suspect you would be happy with him. Orrick is much like a son to me, but he would be better off without you if you play him as Henry played you.”
The words were meant to startle her and they did. “I will consider your words, Abbot.”
“’Tis all I ask of you.”
But Marguerite knew it was so much more that he asked than simple reflection on his words. Was she ready to take the next step?
Chapter Nineteen
Orrick’s house outside the abbey walls sat next to a small stream in the middle of an orchard. Not big, it consisted of two small bedchambers and one larger room used as both kitchen and hall. A small barn nearby served as stable and a place for his men to sleep. Marguerite and her maid were given one of the chambers and Orrick took the other.
’Twas not the way he wanted it to be, but he had promised Godfrey to give Marguerite time. From the grave expression she wore when they met in the courtyard of the abbey, he wondered if he would live long enough for her to have enough time to make her decision.
Dinner was accomplished quietly for they both seemed caught up in their own thoughts. After making a final check on his men, Orrick sought his bed. The night went on and on and he could not find the solace of sleep. A noise outside his door alerted him to someone moving through the house. Pulling a tunic over his head, he slid from the bed and, with sword in hand, he opened the door.
“Marguerite? What are you doing wandering at this time of night?” He lowered his sword and watched as she stood unmoving outside his chamber.
“I would speak to you.”
The shadows in the room played over her face and he could not read any expression there. Stepping back from the door, he bid her to enter. He lit a candle and placed it on the table next to the bed and waited for her to say what she came to say. Standing near the small window, he waited on her.
Her hair was loose, the first time he’d seen it so for a very long time. It flowed over her shoulders and outlined her womanly curves, and the desire within him that lay near the surface threatened to erupt. She wore only a dressing robe over her chemise and bare toes peeked out from under those.
Marguerite started and stopped and started and stopped again. Each time the words came out in a nonsensical mix. Finally she took a deep breath and he knew the time of decision was here.
“I fear giving myself to you, Orrick. Each time I think I have made up my mind, the terror keeps the words from being spoken and my pledge from being made.”
With those words, he wanted to run to her and take her in his arms, but he knew she was not convinced yet that it would work between them. “Do you fear that I will hurt you?”
“Oh, not in a physical way. There have been many times when you could have struck me down for what I said or did and you did not. Nay, I do not fear you that way.”
He sat on the bed now, thinking he might be less intimidating if he did not tower over her in the small room. “Then pray tell me what you fear.”
“I fear being wrong again, Orrick, and being played the fool.”
“I think you have some idea of the man I am and that you would not be treated that way. I have professed my love to you. Do you think I am capable of such duplicity?”
He almost smiled at her hesitation, and part of him wanted to point out that she felt safe enough with him to think over his question.
“Nay, I think not.” She shook her head. “But I was wrong before.”
“You were with the wrong man,” he said confidently.
“He is the king,” she replied as though that explained why he should behave badly.
“In the matter of your love for him, Marguerite, he was just a man.” She tangled her fingers in the edge of her robe and would not meet his eyes now. “There is something else worrying you. Tell me.” He stood and took her hands
in his, rubbing them as he sought to ease her fear.
“I fear you will set me aside,” she said softly. “When you realize that you have gotten the lesser part of the bargain, you will push me away and my life will be destroyed again. I will be destroyed again.”
“I will not. If you give yourself to me, I will protect you and cherish you as my own. I have sworn it once before church and king and I will swear it to you here and now. I will not let you go.”
He would scream it out to anyone listening if she wanted. She nodded as though accepting his word and took her hands from him. Turning away from him, she spoke the words so softly he thought he might be mistaken.
“I would be your wife, Orrick. In all ways.” She slipped the robe from her shoulders and faced him now.
Tremors of desire pierced him at the thought of what she offered. However much he wanted her, and he did want her, she needed to understand the seriousness and completeness of the step they took.
“If you give yourself to me now, Marguerite, there will be no others between us. It will be as though we begin our marriage this night and go forward from here. If you are not willing to make that commitment, do not do this.”
“I have made my choice, Orrick. I will stand by it.”
He held his hand out to her and this time, she did not hesitate in accepting it. Orrick drew her to him and wrapped his arms around her. She reacted as he’d allowed himself to dream she would, by sliding her hands around him and pulling him even closer. When he could feel every part of her against him, he whispered her name and she looked up at him.
His mouth came down on hers and he gifted her with kisses that took her breath away. She opened to him and he tasted her mouth and her tongue and kissed every part of her face before coming back to her lips. Marguerite felt the proof of his desire against her belly, and this time it inflamed her own for him.
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