by Yoshiyuki Ly
I brought her hand closer to my face, saying, “Videl, I don’t know what to tell you…”
Videl snatched her hand away. “I already told you I’m not a saint!” she hissed. “Now that I’m confronting you, now that we’ve had sex, there’s nothing to say?” I stared at her, wide-eyed, worried about the rest of what she had to say. “I’m sick of people thinking that I can’t think for myself just because of how my life is! I had no choice but to be her slave! I wanted to become a paladin for the money and the security, to get rid of the shame my father had brought to my family! I’m down here after being tricked, I want you, and you’re playing games with me! Do you know how badly that pisses me off?!”
“I didn’t mean to make you angry…”
Videl moved her face closer to mine; I turned away at the last second. “Then why won’t you let me kiss you again?” she demanded to know. “Why do you treat me like I’m your suitor without a brain? Is this how I’m supposed to pay you back for saving Luna? Waiting on hand and foot for you, making a fool out of myself? I’d court you all you wanted if you were actually honest with me! The truth about your work won’t break me like I’m some porcelain doll!” I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her farther down into the alleyway. I didn’t want the whole city to hear her go off on me—then again, I deserved that, too. “Every single one of your bandits know that I want you! My sister thinks I’m crazy because I can’t sleep at night! This isn’t some secret!”
“I can’t sleep, either,” I whispered. “I’ve got so many troubles. I don’t want you involved in that mess.”
“All or nothing. Is that it?”
Yes.
A flood of understanding washed over Videl’s face, soothing her sharpened features away. “You have no idea what I want to do for you, Empress,” she said, sounding sad. “I can’t do anything if you keep pushing me away. Maybe I idealized you. Maybe I fantasized about too much too soon.”
“No, no,” I repeated. I couldn’t make my words stick—not like she could. “Don’t say that. There’s shit I haven’t told you. I can’t tell you…”
“I elevated your beauty beyond your flaws,” she said, like she didn’t hear me. “I haven’t known you that long at all…and yet you have the power to affect me like this. I don’t know where to stand, where to go now that I feel this way about you.”
Vespair’s silhouette flashed right before me this time—just an illusion, but it was enough to shake me up.
“Call me by my name,” I said, not recognizing my voice, how weak it sounded. “Please.”
Videl scowled at me. Fuck, that hurt too much. “I wrote a missive to Luna’s fiancé,” she went on, again, like I’d said nothing at all. “I told him that my sister won’t be marrying him. He’s a very skilled healer—the youngest in his field. Before we got here, I didn’t try hard enough to stop the marriage. The second I believed I could be with you, I did what I could to make sure she and I didn’t have to return to Eden any time soon.” She turned around and left me there. “How selfish of me…”
That darkness laughed at me as Videl walked away. That’s a good girl, Raj. Let her go.
“Goddamn you, Vespair,” I hissed. I took off running after her through the narrow streets. “Videl! Videl, wait!” I prayed I’d catch sight of her blonde hair as I ran. The few people around stopped to stare. They knew. Elysium knew. Mistress Fury knew. It was too fucking late to turn back. “Videl, I’m sorry! Let me explain! I don’t want you gettin’ lost down here! Where are you?!”
A whirlwind of panic overtook me. The dark streets all blended into one clusterfuck of danger, just waiting to hurt Videl—to get back at me for forsaking them. Elysium knew what had started in me. My people whispered about it. More and more of them saw me running after a dream that I’d spent years trying to ignore. I couldn’t have my throne and her at the same time. It had taken me until now to admit that to myself. That chaos. That uncertainty. That unknowing.
And that was exactly what Mistress Fury wanted. She wanted to watch the world burn—my world.
I spent ages looking for Videl. She was gone. She was everywhere—in my head, in my heart—and nowhere at once. A few of my bandits were out of breath by the time they caught up with me. They said that Videl ran off to that church. She obviously wanted to be alone if she went there. I gave up and went back home. When I made it back to my office, I drowned myself in ale in the dark to keep from thinking. The fucking alcohol didn’t stop my wants from growing out of control. Here in this haze, I could pretend that I was fearless and naïve like her—that she and I could be obliviously happy together; that I didn’t have the weight of half a city on my shoulders. I fell into the memory of her lips against mine, and the palpable fear in her voice as she’d whispered her truest wants into my mouth. All of this mess came about because I wasn’t honest with her. If I started this relationship of ours with a lie, it’d end the same way—with a lie. I didn’t want that at all. I knew I had to tell her the truth after I’d given her some space.
Chapter Six
Venus Gospel
(Videl)
Laid bare on the cold, dusty ground of that same church, I stared up at the ceiling all through the night, stricken, uncertain. Shocks of pain welled inside of me with no way out. Here, in my sanctuary, I realized how short-sighted I’d been these past couple of weeks. Miranda had trained me how to charm a woman; how to make her feel special, and to be genuine about it. She hadn’t taught me how to deal with these ups and downs. There had been no need. All I’d had before was her. I hadn’t had room to dwell on the truth that she wasn’t enough for me. Things with her had been straightforward and easy to process. I didn’t love her and she’d never know. Emotions hadn’t gotten in the way of how I handled conflicts with her. They hadn’t paralyzed me with this fear. I could think clearly before. I had no chance of that anymore. Here I found someone who was everything and more, and I had no idea what to do about her.
Irresponsibility passed right over my head. I shouldn’t have left Luna alone at Vassago. Then again, she’d been safe this whole time. One night without me while I went through this wouldn’t hurt. I had to stop treating her like a child, anyway. She’d be of age in a few months. Maybe she wouldn’t notice that I was gone.
I imagined myself not having feelings for Raj anymore—if that would help. My feelings went nowhere. They stubbornly stuck to my veins, my bones, and my skin, refusing to let go. They mocked me for pretending I could think them away just like that. The harder I tried, the deeper they dug into me. And I’d had Raj last night—the memories of her sounds, the way she tasted surrounded me, stubbornly, surreptitious as they silenced all of my internal protesting. I wanted her again so badly that I couldn’t stay still. The idea of giving it to her any way she needed—hard and deep, or so fast that her screams couldn’t keep up, or slow enough that she writhed in agony—the possibilities steamed within me, too much. The only one who could give it to her just the way she needed every day, every night—that was how I wanted to be defined in her mind, and for her body to remember it, too. I wrapped my arms around myself, my legs shifting and bending with nowhere to run, no one’s touch to react to. I fantasized about her finding me here. The phantom memory of Raj affected me as badly as if she were here, kissing me everywhere, begging me to not give up on her so soon. I lost myself in those throes, just enough, resisting the urge I had for release. Good tidings from my prayers—that from the Venus Gospel allowed my faith to remain in this hopeful stasis. True, destined reunions shall brighten blackness to beauty, and all will be forgiven. This was all I could do to lull myself asleep.
Reality lingered not too far away. Raj had all of Elysium to worry about. I couldn’t have been that important to her. I had to accept that eventually. But, every now and then, I heard voices from outside the building. They sounded like her bandits keeping watch over me, still. I must’ve dreamed them up.
Unreal gravity and sticky heat weighed me down when I awoke that morning. Dirt had mi
xed with the deadness I felt at dawn. The ceiling above was the same. The altar hadn’t changed. The building was still empty. My faith remained unbroken. I had woken up alone, and I was unharmed. I took solace in those things that hadn’t changed in my poor sleep. And I kept wishing that Raj would find me somehow. That hadn’t changed, either.
I was no different from an ignorant child. To make matters worse, I couldn’t feel Vespair by our communion as knights anymore. That feeling had vanished a few nights ago. Where was she now that I needed her most? I took it as a sign that I had to be on my own for a while; figure things out by myself.
I wandered farther into the Negative Rumor, eyes narrowed against the morning light peeking through Elysium’s ceiling. It wasn’t normally this bright down here. I blamed my exhaustion for blowing my perspective out of proportion. I focused instead on the horse-drawn carriages that passed me by, taking children to their classes at Vassago. A lot of them seemed to recognize me. Or they at least knew I was a so-called scorpion from how much I sweated. I weaved my way through carpenters carrying lumber, preachers shouting their sermons to the streets, and other people gossiping about me in plain sight, trying to get somewhere, anywhere. I found a fresh water fountain in the shade of a tall tavern. I bent down to wash the dusty sweat from my face and neck. The falls of my hair hung limp over my face. Those sheared knives weren’t so dangerous anymore. I washed more over the pressure points along my neck, arms and wrists, and finally drank the cool water, mindful to not drink too much on an empty stomach. Already I felt it weigh me down at my core. I entered the tavern, invisible in the mass of conversation and early morning drinking that went on around me. I found an empty table and sat down, trying not to show how tired I was—more for myself than anything. I had enough coin in my pocket to pay for breakfast. After that, I had to go back to Vassago. I couldn’t keep running away. But I’d thought I would have more time to think things through.
The truth was that I couldn’t do much thinking at all. Nothing productive. I barely ate my food. I hadn’t slept enough; my weariness crept up on me. I folded my arms over the table and lay my head there, hiding from all the noise around me. I had to do something. I had to find Raj and talk to her. It was expected of me to fix this. I knew she wouldn’t. Whatever fantasies I’d had last night of her finding me wouldn’t come true. This was what I was used to. Problems in my life were never solved unless I took action. No matter how much I prayed for her to find me, to show me that she truly cared, I had to go to her…eventually. I didn’t have the energy right now.
After a while, it seemed like the bustle in the tavern dwindled away. If the people hadn’t stopped talking, then they must’ve left. No one came over to tell me to leave. Maybe they’d all gone to church. Scuffing of a chair’s legs against the hardwood floor sounded close to me. I didn’t want any random company. I stayed still. Hopefully whoever it was would leave me alone if I ignored them.
“Videl, I’m sorry…”
Raj’s voice filtered through my disbelief. My half-empty plate lightly scraped along the table as she moved it aside. She grazed her nails along my arm before caressing with her warm hands. Her bangles chimed in-time with her every movement. Slowly, I raised my head from my burrow. The tavern was empty save for her bandits guarding the doors and stairwell. She’d ordered everyone to leave to give us our privacy. She looked at me with such sincerity, I almost didn’t recognize her. I thought she was an illusion, except she didn’t disappear.
“I’m a fool,” she went on. “I spent all these years wishin’ I had someone as dependable and gorgeous as you are. Now you’re here, and I’ve done nothin’ except keep you at a distance.” Raj held my hands in hers, firmly, as if she didn’t want to let go. The sentiment caught me off guard. “I’ve learned my lesson to not keep secrets from you. So…will you listen to my story?”
I couldn’t make my voice work. I nodded, curious about what she wanted to say.
“Well, first off, I ain’t originally from Tynan. All I remember from the first ten years of my life are the deserts outside of the city. I ran away from that hell to the one here, thinkin’ I’d have a better life. My folks never tried findin’ me. Too busy lookin’ for their happiness at the bottom of whiskey bottles. I used to fantasize about what they’d say if they saw me now. They must’ve heard the news. I wondered if they’d finally be proud of me. They don’t question where the money comes from that I send ‘em every month. So I got my answer that they don’t give a fuck. When your own parents don’t care about what you’ve accomplished…it hurts, you know? Made me think that this was the end of the line and I couldn’t go no higher. As long as I could keep things the same down here, everyone would be happy. Then you showed up…I couldn’t trust you.”
I managed to say, “You’ve accomplished a lot. It’s admirable that you have. Why exactly couldn’t you trust me? Was it something I did or just a policy of yours?”
“At first, I thought you were too good to be true. I did some research earlier on that Mistress of yours. She trained you on how to make a woman feel nice, didn’t she? Like that dance we had before.”
“It took a lot of courage for me to do that for you. I wanted to. It was genuine, Empress…”
“Call me by my name,” she said, in the same way as she had last night. It moved me—she moved me, with all of this—but she couldn’t know.
“What do I have to do with the rest?” I asked instead. “You said that I showed up, like it changed you.”
Raj smiled weakly. “You wanna change this city,” she replied. “Believe it or not, you’ve already started. I ain’t never had this kinda trouble with Mistress Fury and Kurtz before. The three of us had a silent agreement that we ran shit down here, with me as the head honcho of it all. None of us went behind the others back for nothin’. Nothin’ that was a big deal, anyway. Except over you. Just you. It’s a sign.”
“A sign?” I repeated.
Raj raised my hands to her full lips. “That I should give this an honest chance,” she said softly. “A sad part of me feels like I blew it already. I made you jump through hoops for nothin’. But really…” She kissed my hands as if they were my lips, staring into me as she did. “I wanna know if you’re worth fallin’ in love with. I’ve got a strong feeling that you are… I don’t got the luxury of jumpin’ to conclusions.”
I barely felt actual air as I breathed. Her honesty had replaced everything around me: thick, heady, intoxicating. Everything I’d been doing to charm her, she’d learned it well, giving it right back to me.
“That gives us room for certain time to pass, you see,” she went on, her tone hazy and hypnotic. “If you learn to trust me, then we could have a special relationship. I ain’t just talkin’ about goin’ down to Slutgarden and livin’ that kinda life. I want so much more than that. Somethin’ deeper. Much deeper.”
“What are you asking me…?”
“I want to own you, Videl. I want to possess you. I want to give you the freedom to please me in the ways we both want. I’ve spent too many days and nights touching myself to the idea of the reliability you embody. I crave how noble you are, how submissive you can be. I need that from you.”
I couldn’t figure out what to say in response. “And I need to give it to you,” didn’t seem right after last night, even though it was true. She was unfazed by my silence, like she’d prepared for it.
Raj handed me a sealed missive. “Read this whenever you get the chance,” she said. “For now, I want you to come back to headquarters with me. I know you slept in that church. You deserve a proper rest in a bed. It’s my turn to be patient while I wait for you to tell me yes or no.”
“But you—didn’t actually ask me anything…”
She gestured to the letter in my hand. I practically gave away that I wanted her to ask me, officially, for those things, and that I wanted them just as badly as she did. Raj gave me a sexy smirk as she stood up. She set enough coin down on the table to pay for my meal for me. I felt my face
heat up as she held my hand again. We left together to Vassago with her bandits following us. Every now and then, Raj rubbed her temples, groaning under her breath about a hangover. She tried so hard to not let me see her pain. It must’ve taken her a lot to do this for me. I smiled over it, but I didn’t let her see. When we got back to Vassago, we passed by the classrooms. I saw Luna in one of the rooms, smiling as she helped teach one of the classes. Once again, I had my confirmation that I could trust Raj, and her gang, to look after my sister. I needed this reminder after what had happened.
In the hallway where the bedrooms were, Raj stared at the door of her room. I could tell she wanted to ask me to sleep in her bed. She had no idea if I’d say yes or not. Instead of asking, she walked me to the room I shared with my sister. We only got halfway there before she eased me against the wall.
Raj pressed her lips along my jaw. She breathed me in; held me tighter. “You taste like my city,” she murmured against me. I held back my reaction. It was difficult with the way she held my shoulders, pulling me into her. “I want you to taste me. All of me. Before or after I clean you off—it’s up to you.”
“You have a hangover,” I reminded her. And yet she tempted me so much… “You should rest, too.”
“I took the day off hopin’ you’d let me apologize to you. The right way.”
“And what is the right way?” I wondered.
Raj held my face in her hands. “I could hose you down in my bathroom,” she replied, as if the idea was so sensual and exciting.
“How unromantic… That makes me sound like I’m a horse or something.”
She laughed and said, “I’ll make it romantic for you. All you’ve gotta do is say yes.”
“I haven’t read the letter yet,” I said. “Besides, Elysium won’t wait while you apologize to me. I don’t want to get your hopes up, either.”