by Guy, Caitlin
Josh stumbles down the steps. His shoe laces drag loose behind him. When he reaches the bottom, he sweeps Emily up into a hug.
“Hey beautiful.” He grins. Emily somehow tries to hug him and push away at the same time. Josh takes her hand and refuses to let it go. Hailey shoots me a look of terror. I give her a sympathetic look, trying to silently reassure her.
“Are you excited, Allie?” Emily asks, still not meeting my eyes.
“Of course she is!” Josh replies. “Hey, Hailey, can we get some food on the way?”
“Boys and their one track mind…” Hailey grumbles.
Josh and Emily burst out laughing and I start to get an inkling of which item on the bucket list they intend to cross off.
“Hey, we’re not –”
The doorbell rings again, cutting me off. Hailey bounds to the door and rips it open. Jayden pushes his way past her without a second glance. I laugh at Hailey’s dejected expression. Jayden winks at me, knowing exactly what he’s done. He grins at Emily and Josh as he takes my hand.
“Are we ready?” he asks.
Everyone piles into the car. It’s a tight fit, but there are seats for everyone. Jayden drives. I sit shotgun while Hailey sits wedged in the middle seat between Emily and Josh. Despite her complaining earlier, Hailey chats carelessly with the group. She’s the centre of attention as she recounts her run-in with her neighbour’s aggressive bulldog the night before. I’m in fits of laughter when the car finally pulls into the car park. To my dismay, I recognise the large, purple building.
I groan.
“I had the same reaction when Josh told me where we were going, Allie,” Emily replied.
“Where’s your sense of adventure?” Hailey ushers me through the door and into the building. “This is going to be so much fun! Haven’t you ever been go karting before?”
Before I know it, I’m strapped into a go kart alongside everyone else. A buzzer sounds and I press on the accelerator out of pure peer pressure. The kart races forward at a speed very much against my will. Then I just try to keep up. With each lap I get dizzier. The fear doesn’t fade. Adrenalin pumps through my body as I rush around each bend. I’m going faster than I could even conceive, but I still manage to fall about a lap behind everyone else. The kart speeds up again. Wind forces itself down my throat and into my lungs.
Jayden’s kart pulls up besides mine. “Come on, Allie!” he yells across the track. “Let’s see what you’re made of… One last lap!”
We cross the line. He’s supposed to pull over — everyone else is finished — but no one stops him as he races around with me. Jayden slows to meet me as I urge the kart to go faster, forgetting about my fears. Jayden drops behind bit by bit and I cross the finish line, pulling over with the others before Jayden races around the final corner.
He pulls to a stop next to me. “You were holding out on me the whole time, just so you could beat me. Weren’t you, Allie?”
I grin in return. He pushes himself from the kart and walks over to help pull me out of mine. My legs shake as they return to solid ground. Jayden’s arms keep me upright as we walk over to the table that the others have claimed. A plate of steaming fries sits in the middle. Jayden practically dives for the food, competing with a very hungry Josh. I roll my eyes at Hailey and Emily.
“Did you enjoy that, Allie?” Emily asks.
I contemplate for a moment. “You know what? I think I did, in the end.”
“Good!” Jayden exclaims. “Let’s come back here, Allie!”
“I’m in!” Josh yells.
Hailey cuts in as I open my mouth to shut them down. “She’s too busy guys. More go karting is not going to fit into the schedule for a while.”
I immediately forget about go karting. Emily and I gang up on Hailey, trying to get her to spill the details of my busy schedule but she refuses to cooperate. Besides, Jayden and Josh both have her back, being in on the secret and all.
The drive home is chaotic as everyone talks at once. But slowly, the group diminishes as first Emily, then Hailey are dropped off at their houses. Finally, Jayden pulls up at my house and the others pile out. Jayden undoes his seatbelt, leans over, and kisses me goodbye.
“I have to go home and do homework,” he explains quietly, caressing my hand.
“Go,” I say, smiling. “I’ll see you soon.”
“I’ll come by tomorrow.”
I nod, getting out of the car and following Josh into the house. Josh watches me slowly make my way up the stairs. My legs shake and there’s a dull pain in my hip with every step. Eventually, I make it into my room. Josh follows, leaning on my doorframe.
“Lie down and have a nap,” Josh says quietly. “That’s number six crossed off, you’ve still got four more to do.”
He closes the door with a soft click. “No,” I whisper to myself. “’There are five more to cross off.”
I pull an unused notebook from my bedside drawer and open it to a fresh page. There is one more thing I want to do before I die. I want to write a letter to everyone that’s important to me; Dad, Mum, Josh, Jayden, Hailey and Dr. Marsden. All of them pulling together for me, especially now with the bucket list, has me missing them already; even though they’ll be the ones losing me.
I stare at the blank page, not knowing how to start. How do you say goodbye to someone you love? What do you leave them with when you know that you’re going to die?
I scrunch my forehead and press my fist to my face. Concentrate, Allie, I think. Just choose a place to start. So, I write a name at the top of the page.
Hailey
I lean back and take a deep breath; then I start writing.
Dear Hailey,
You are my best friend. When I first met you in Year 8 Science, I knew I wanted to be friends with you straight away. Who else could have found something hilarious in just about every sentence Mr. Briggins said? You made a boring class fun. Then, you made lonely lunches fun. You were always the highlight of my day.
I didn’t trust you in the beginning, but I should have. You’ve been by my side the whole time. You were insightful enough to know that something was wrong, but you still supported me. I should’ve known then what a great friend you’d be.
When I die, I want you to have all of my books, CDs, and movies. You’ve been the one person I could rave to about how awesome all my favourite things are. You are the one I called when I was so incredibly angry over the ending of The Hunger Games series, and when I was so moved by The Little Princess. I could always rap along to my favourite songs with you, whether it was Eminem or Darren Criss. Speaking of, now that I’m out of the picture, I give you permission to marry Darren Criss.
When I was in hospital, you were the one I rang to distract me. You tell the best stories. I can always trust you to cheer me up, or even just to talk me through a difficult decision.
Making me follow through with the bucket list has been really great. It’s given me a lot of laughs and given me something to do with my days. The boredom would be intolerable without you.
You are funny, kind, smart, generous and absolutely beautiful. Your laugh is infectious and you make everyone around you happy.
In this letter, I just want to convey how much you’ve meant to me and how much I miss you already, even though you’re not going anywhere. I guess talking about all the things we both love isn’t really that much of an important thing in the grand scheme of things, but it meant the world to me. You know, in all my life, I’ve never ever had a friend like you.
I love you, Hailey. I hope you continue to dream big and love deeply. You have the world in your hands; I hope it is good to you and that you achieve all your dreams.
Goodbye.
Lots of love,
Allie.
Chapter 15
“GO JOSH!” Jayden screams at the top of his lungs as Josh runs for a
nother goal. Rosie, who’s sitting so close to me that she might as well be on my lap, mimics him.
“Go!” she yells as loud as her tiny voice allows.
I grin. Jayden wraps his arms around us as Josh kicks the ball into the net. My muscles are starting to become stiff after sitting on the cold ground for so long. Mum sends me concerned glances every few minutes, fidgeting with her own thin cardigan despite my many layers of clothes.
The team is three goals ahead when the final whistle sounds. Jayden picks himself up off the ground, dragging Rosie behind him. Dad follows, taking my hand and pulling me to my feet. Josh finishes shaking hands with the other team and runs over. I honestly don’t know where he gets all the energy from.
Josh glances around at our group. “Where are Emily and Hailey?” he asks, pouting like a two-year-old as he notices that they’re missing.
“Emily’s at the dentist remember?” Mum replies, shaking her head.
“And Hailey’s finishing—and starting—a thousand word essay for Mr. Hollane on ‘Why listing the similarities and differences between your History teacher and a certain Nazi leader won’t get you an A’.” He laughs. Josh chokes on a mouthful of water as he takes a drink from his bottle.
When he finishes coughing, he asks Jayden, “So are we going to do the next item on the bucket list without her?”
“What do you think, Allie?” Jayden turns to me.
My whole body is aching; there is a dull, thumping pain which reverberates up and down my spine. I can feel a headache coming on. I cover my grimaced reply with a thin smile. “We can’t do it without Hailey!”
Josh nods in agreement, but Jayden silently assesses my expression with his eyebrows knitted together. He shoots a concerned glance to my parents when he thinks I’m looking at Josh.
“Let’s not hang around here. Ready to go home Joshy?” Mum asks.
“JOSHY!” Rosie yells, embarrassing my brother further. She bounces at Jayden’s side.
“Yeah, let’s go,” he replies quickly, hustling us away from his friends.
He leads us across the car park and I can barely keep up. I begin to fall behind, although Mum and Jayden, who carries Rosie’s lumpy form, stick by my side. Josh and Dad chatter excitedly about the prospect of getting into a higher soccer division next year, perhaps even the senior team. A wave of relief hits me as soon as they’re so far ahead that we can’t hear them anymore. Despite him trying to hide it, Jayden becomes more and more tense. I worry that his tight grip is hurting little Rosie. Josh continues his excitement over a future I can’t share. I don’t care, but Mum seems to be getting upset. She reaches for my hand, squeezing it at her side. Her nails scratch my skin, but she doesn’t even notice.
When we reach Jayden’s car, he stops and places Rosie gently onto the ground. “I’ll drop Rosie home and meet you at your place, okay?”
“No,” I say softly, leaning against the boot of the car. “Don’t come straight back. Relax, he some family time, do some homework… I’m going to have a bit of a sleep when I get home anyway. I’ll call you when I wake up.”
“No you won’t. Besides, I can do homework at your place,” he argues.
“Allie’s right, Jayden. Just go home for a bit, I promise I’ll call you when she’s awake,” Mum says.
“Fine,” he grumbles. I smile as he pulls me into a hug. Even through the many jumpers I have on, I can feel Jayden’s warmth on my chin. It penetrates my skin and seeps into my tired bones. He smells like warm winter nights spent indoors by the heater. “Sleep well.”
I unfurl myself from his grip and walk towards our car, arm in arm with Mum. “He’s a good boy,” she says, her voice distant. “You picked well, Allie.”
I try to etch the memory of his touch into my mind. I will replay it later, when I’m lying in bed and trying to sleep. “I know.”
When we reach the car, I slip immediately into the backseat and rest my head against the window. People stride past, impatient for whatever meaningless appointment they have next. I watch them in a daze, their faces blurring together as the car finally escapes onto the road and my eyelids droop.
***
“Allie? Wake up, honey. It’s time for dinner.”
Mum’s voice sounds distorted and far away. I find it difficult to focus. She must be shaking me because I can almost feel my body moving. I feel like I’m floating, completely at peace. Then sllowly, so very slowly, I begin to feel the aching of my body. At first it’s a shock, but I push through the pain. It’s like wading through water, against a current. I reconnect with the present and find myself lying in my bed, my shirt and pants sticking to my body with sweat.
“Mum?” I test my voice. It’s sore and weak, but what isn’t these days?
“Did Dad carry me up after the game?” I ask.
She smiles. “Actually, Josh did. We were terrified he would drop you down the stairs, but he got you up alright. And Dad was there to catch you the whole time.”
I groan. “You should’ve just woken me!”
“I’m surprised you didn’t wake up during the transfer upstairs! But he was careful, and he’s gotten so strong, Allie. Don’t worry.” She reaches over and strokes my long, brown hair from my face, fanning it out around my head.
“What time is it?”
“About 6:30. Just have something to eat and then you can come back to bed. You can eat on the couch,” she coaxes.
“I don’t think I can get down the stairs,” I confess in a whisper. If I had more energy, I would blush, but I have nothing left. My limbs feel like puddles of flesh.
“Jayden’s here. He can carry you down if you want,” she says.
“Jayden’s here? Mum!” I complain.
“I couldn’t stop him, dear. He’s been ringing basically every half an hour all day, but he only arrived about half an hour ago,” she replies gently. “It would be good if you could get out of bed for dinner. You’ll sleep better tonight.”
I nod my head carefully so I don’t disturb the delicate arrangement of my hair. Mum smiles. “Good, I’ll go get Jayden now.”
I close my eyes for a minute. My window is closed but a sliver of light has escaped the blinds to illuminate my cheek, despite the sun having set sometime while I slept. I hear Jayden’s soft tread as he plods across my room. I open my eyes to see his eyes rest on mine. I feel sick. My eyes are trapped in his gaze. He keeps his expression even, but I see the pity in his eyes and I hate it.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey yourself.”
There is an uncomfortable silence. I close my eyes until there is a soft pressure on my face. My eyes flick open to see Jayden stroking my cheek. He curls a stray strand of hair behind my ear, then leans forward, and places a kiss on my mouth. His lips are like silk. They taste like orange juice.
He’s upset to see me like this. All his emotions are conveyed, a thousand words, in that one kiss. He raises my head like it’s a precious jewel.
“Come on my beautiful girl. Let’s get you downstairs.” He pulls back the quilt and carries me downstairs to the lounge room. His arms are the safest place on Earth.
“Thank you,” I whisper as he sets me down.
Dad is sitting in the single seater chair to the right, with Josh near to him on the long couch. Jayden places me in the middle next to Josh and sits down beside me. He guides my body onto his so I’m resting upright against his chest. Mum comes in and places a hot bowl of her homemade risotto in my arms. It’s my favourite and the best meal she can cook. My throat constricts as I catch the expression on her face.
Everyone focuses on eating their own meals while appearing to watch the television. Dad flicks through the channels every so often. None of the programs suit the mood in the room. There’s a silly, suspenseful quiz show; a funny sitcom; a news show about the latest overseas conflict. None of it can compare to the drama, tens
ion and heartbreak in the room. No one can bring themselves to care about the million-dollar prize, toilet humour, or international politics.
For the first time in a long time, I truly feel like I am dying. I feel a deep connection to those dying a million miles away in wars that have nothing to do with me. I miss Paul. He would know the right things to say to make this easier, to make sense of this strange process. At least dying seems less scary knowing that he’s there to meet me on the other side.
But I’m determined to finish the bucket list. I’m determined to write my letters. I’m determined to finish living my life with every loose end tied off before I die. So, even though I can feel myself falling asleep to the nonsensical rabble of the game show host, I am determined to be better tomorrow. I stay awake for dinner and until Jayden returns me to my room. He closes the door and I pull out my notepad, fighting the weight of my eyelids.