by Jenna Barton
She chuckled softly. “You too?”
“All the time.” I pointed to the restaurant in front of us. “So, feel like Italian?”
“Great, that’s all I need. Red and white tablecloth Italian on a Sunday night in back-ass nowhere North Carolina? Erin, just feed me a frozen pizza and kill me.”
“It’s good. No, I promise, it’s very good. They make the best chicken piccata I’ve ever had.”
By the time we finished dinner, Dani still refused to call Dante, but she did agree our little Trattoria wasn’t entirely hopeless. I was relaxed, too, thanks to the attention of the staff who knew me, and a few extra sips of a wine Dani chose to go with the meal. I suppose she sensed I had reached the limit of my patience with the Walt questions, and we had a pleasant time not discussing our respective relationships.
Nonni Isolde sent us home with an extra bottle of the Friulano that impressed Dani, and a take-out container filled with Limoncello-soaked lemon sponge cake. She didn’t ask about Walt, but she wondered. Once again, I felt someone’s eyes on me, silently questioning, and I knew why they were curious.
At home, we moved around each other in the bathroom as we got ready for bed, in an old and familiar dance we’d done nearly every night of our lives until I left home for my final two years of college. Laughing over the small, intimate piece of our shared history felt good. It didn’t solve anything, and didn’t erase so many years of a contentious relationship, but I did start for my bedroom without the same sense of dread from knowing my sister slept under the same roof as me.
“Hey, Rin?”
“Yeah?”
“That guy, Walt? It’s serious, isn’t it?”
I glanced down, watching as I smoothing my still-pink pedicure over the needlepoint rug. “It…I think so, Dani. But I may have made a mistake that hurt him too much to fix.”
“I doubt it,” she said and surprised me with a hug. “You can fix anything, Erin. You always could. I’m going to go call Dante. You should give Shady the Bear a call too.”
“It’s Smoky,” I said, stifling a giggle. “Smokey the Bear.”
“Whatever—the ranger guy, smartass. Just call him. Don’t let your head get in the way.”
I took my phone from the charger and began to close my bedroom door. “Oh, Dani, what time is your flight tomorrow night?”
“Nine fifteen from Charlotte. I’ll be out of here by five. Want to grab some lunch before I leave?” Her head popped around my bedroom door and she smirked. “Does Smokey eat things he doesn’t have to catch and kill first? He can come too, if you’re up for it.”
“I…no, I’m not sure he’s going to want to.” My lip started to tremble and I ground my jaw hard at it.
Dani pushed the door open and came in. “Rin?”
“I’m fine,” I said, shaking my head as I thrust my hand in front of me. She couldn’t come any closer. “I need to get ready for wor—”
“Shut up, you’re crying. I bet you never cried over that Iranian dude.”
“Indian!”
“What?”
“Ardhi. He’s Indian. He’s my friend, not my god damned boyfriend, Dani. He never was!” Turning from her, I threw my phone against my bed and then followed it, bouncing against the pillow that still smelled of Walt’s shampoo and sobbing into it like a sixteen-year-old girl.
The mattress shifted a little. Dani sat beside me.
“Don’t cry, Rin.” I felt her hand on my shoulder, and then pushing my hair from my wet cheeks. “He loves you. It’ll be okay.”
I turned to her, sniffing. “He’s never said that.”
“I saw him look at you.” She shrugged. “You don’t have to get us together for lunch, but I’d like to meet him again. Anyway, you have to talk to him.”
“I…yes, Dani,” I sighed and pushed myself up to sit beside her. “I need to. I’ve made a huge mistake with him.”
“You?” She snorted, shaking her head. “You don’t make mistakes. What is that shit your company says? We don’t make mistakes, we make opportunities?”
“Oh God, please don’t spout Miner-speak at me right now.” I covered my face, wincing.
“Fine. Then listen to your big sister. Who is flying home on your dime so she can embarrass the fuck out of herself when she grovels to her fiancé to take her back after she screamed at him in front of a kitchen full of Italian cooks. And pegged him in the head with a three-carat diamond ring.”
“Three flawless carats,” I added, grinning. “And you’re only the big sister by fourteen minutes.”
“Oh, screw you, Erin.” Dani snickered. “I’m worth three flawless carats. So are you.”
From nowhere, the trembling and tears started again. I cringed. “I don’t care about those things. I just want him to know I’m proud to be his. I’m not hiding him.”
Dani’s eyebrows crumpled in confusion. “Um…well, of course you are. I mean, not like he owns you or anything, but you like being his girlfriend or…whatever.”
“Yes, right,” I said quickly. I forced a laugh. “I’m so strung-out over having a boyfriend, I can’t assemble a sentence, huh?”
She drew me to her for a hug. “Sure. Why don’t you call me around eleven tomorrow about lunch, okay? I’m going to go throw my stuff in my suitcase.”
“Work this out with Dante, okay?”
“You too?” She surprised me, squeezing me again, so tight I swayed a little with the force of her. Dani wouldn’t let me go, though. “Hang on, and listen to me. You deserve to be happy, Rin. I know you haven’t been, a lot of the time, and I hope you can be with this guy. I’m sorry I’m such a pain in the ass.”
“You’re—” Inhaling, I sat. “Never mind. Yes, you are a pain in the backside. But it’s usually okay.”
“Thanks for putting up with me. And you—go call Walt,” she said. “If you really did fuck up, admit it, and try to make it right. That’s all you can do.”
I sent a quick note to Steve, letting him know of Dani’s unexpected visit and my late arrival the next morning.
Then, Walt.
His phone went directly to voice mail. After twenty minutes of mindless scrolling through a news site, I decided he wasn’t going to respond to my text message either.
Blinking hard, I snapped off my bedside lamp and tucked the pillow he used under my chin.
Damn it, no. Damn.
While she slept in, I took the down-time from Dani to drive in to ThinkMine for a few hours. The stillness and hum of work would be a welcome calm after the past two days of upheaval. Simply navigating the precise aisles of gray cubicles made me feel better, and my private cube was as soothing as an ashram.
Quiet.
“Oh, good morning, Erin.”
I stepped away from my darkened monitors, inhaling sharply.
“Morning, Alan.” Today? Are you kidding me? “Can I help you with something?” I set my bags aside, connected my laptop, and booted up. “I didn’t see any errors this morning on the patches you and Tasha and ran on Saturday night. Congratulations.”
Dirtbag.
Of course there wasn’t a problem. Tasha Alexander ran the same code she and I wrote together with no deviations.
“Yeah, about that. Tasha had a lot of trouble with those old Alpine servers. They hung up on her and she didn’t seem to know what to do with them. I’ve worked on those boxes for years and know how to override the defaults.”
“I know. I walked her through the override script Saturday night. The Alpines are phasing out when we roll out the first phase of virtualization this fall and I’m not going to upgrade them again next month. I think we’ll be okay. But thanks, Alan.”
My desk phone rang and I nearly lunged for it with the irrational hope it would be Walt calling on the center landline. “Excuse me.”
“Hey, Erin,” our front receptionist drawled. “Your sister is here with your phone. I can’t believe how much y’all look alike. There was no question it was her, so I sent her on back, okay?”
The words were still on the air, currents tickling my ear, when I looked up and found Dani marching toward my desk, her face drawn and eyes fiery.
“Dani,” I said, wary, and stood. Alan’s impeccable talent for scenting blood in the water rousted him from his chair a half beat behind me. Whatever this was about, it did not need to happen in front of him.
“You want to tell me what this is?” She glanced at Alan over her shoulder and, stepping in front of him, thrust my phone in my face.
My phone. Oh my God, when I tripped this morning on that stupid runner and dropped my messenger bag and my lunch and my purse spilled everywhere…so much stuff. Like all that stuff Claire carries around…
I couldn’t say anything.
What do you say to your sister when she’s gone through your phone and discovered the seven pictures you’ve actually stored there? How do you explain why you’re undressed in each of them and how do you explain the bruises and welts and bite marks on your body when she couldn’t hear the voices and words and didn’t understand how it happened because you kept him away from her like your own precious, perfect jewel? It didn’t hurt; not like she believed it did.
Too much to explain. And not there, in my cube.
“How long has this been going on? Have you told someone?” She tossed my phone to my desk where it landed, thankfully, face down.
“Dani, I…we need to talk about this in private.” Before she could begin again, I stepped around her, clasping her hand in mine and squeezing. “Alan, I need to speak with my sister. Would you please excuse us?”
“Sure, no problem,” he replied as he turned a polite smile toward Dani. “Nice to meet you. Hope everything’s okay, Erin.”
I turned a stiff smile toward him and waited, with Dani’s hand still clenched in mine, until I saw him disappear into his cubicle.
“What in the world were you doing snooping in my phone?” I hissed.
“You’ve got pictures like that on your phone and you’re worried about me?”
“How did you get in there in the first place?” She had hacked into my house; why was my phone such a surprise?
“I can’t believe you. You work on computers all day and you of all people used our birthday as your password. Are you fucking stupid?” Her voice carried over the staggered rows of moveable walls. Several heads popped up, turning in my direction. “Did he give you some kind of brain injury or something?”
“Dani, you can’t do this here,” I whispered, reaching for her again. “You can’t show up at a place like this and start screaming. Everyone can hear you.”
“Fine,” she hissed. The concerned, encouraging, hugging-it-out sister of the night before was gone, replaced with someone who looked and sounded much more like our mother.
I led her through the aisles, shooting a furious glare over my shoulder every time she began to speak again. We passed reception and I waved, raising Dani’s hand too.
“What a resemblance,” our receptionist called after us.
Dani’s rental was parked, hazard lights flashing, by the front door.
“You can’t leave this here.”
“I’m not doing one more goddamned thing until you explain to me why that guy has been hitting you. Are the pictures evidence or something?”
I gaped at her. She thought… “Dani, it’s not what you think.”
“How could that be anything other than your ass and your tits covered in bruises? Huh? I may not have my MBA, Erin, but I think I know when someone is getting beaten up. I’ve had a little more experience with guys who like to shove a woman around than you.”
“Dani…” Inhaling, I took her hand and marched her away from the entrance. “You shouldn’t have been looking around in my phone.”
“You kept getting texts. I was trying to shut it up.”
“This isn’t what you think it is. It’s my private business, Dani.” I glanced around the parking lot, distracted with the sound of people coming and going. “But I promise you it’s not what you think it is.”
“Are you telling me you, of all people, are doing this kinky sex thing? After everything you’ve said—how many times have you said women shouldn’t be slaves to men, Erin? And your classes and those marches when you were in college. You’re going to tell me now that you’re into this?”
“I’ve never asked you to justify your personal life to me. Ever.”
“So I’m going to let you stay with an abusive asshole because I was a little crazy when I was a kid? When it was okay and normal to be a little crazy? Are you out of your fucking mind?”
“He’s not abusing me, Dani. I say it’s okay, I’m the one who makes the decision to let him take over. I’m his submissive.” I could hardly hear my own voice over the sounds of people coming and going around us and hoped above all else our voices weren’t carrying.
“Submissive? Listen to what you’re saying. This isn’t a movie or something, Erin, this is a big guy with an excuse to hit you. What does this do for you? What, submissive, bullshit…are you waltzing around naked and on a leash?”
If he requested it of me, yes. I kept quiet. I shut my mouth, obviously. Purposefully. I knew, in that moment, though I might never be asked to wear a collar and leash by him, I would. Anything Sir asked. Just like Claire. It was a kind of freedom, seeing that part of me, right then as I watched Dani rail against me, because I knew he’d never ask me to be like Claire. I trusted him. And I trusted myself in his hands.
“But that kind of thing, Erin. Don’t you have to live up to his rules? That’s a kind of perfectionism you don’t need.”
“No, not like that. Si—Walt wouldn’t expect anything of me that wasn’t already part of who I am. Remember what I said last night about Dante asking you to take marketing classes and teaching you Italian?”
She rolled her eyes. I thought of Lucy, and nearly broke open.
“Okay, look, say I’m happy for you, because it’s good you’re dating someone for a change. You’re actually letting people in and letting them get to know you. But how do you know he’s not just forcing his vision of you onto you instead of seeing what’s really there?”
“Because I trust him. And I love him.” I blinked hard and had to turn away from her. It was too much, being forced to defend something that might have crumbled to nothing Saturday night.
“Great, now security’s here.” She groaned. In the distance past her shoulder, an old white SUV pulled up at the entrance.
“Not security, Dani. That’s Walt.” I watched his big shoulders clearing the doorframe and wound my fingers together. “Why is Walt here?”
She scowled, folding her arms across her chest, exactly like the time she let Kathy’s kitten out during the summer between sixth and seventh grade because it was walking in front of the television while VideoRequestLive! was on, and it never came home.
He walked toward us, his jaw clenched.
“Dani, why is Walt here?”
“I called him on the way here.”
Mentally, I staggered. For a long second or two, I gaped at her. After Saturday night, the next contact he had with my sister was a surprise interrogation about our relationship. The need to throttle her warred with relief of seeing him again, regardless of the circumstance, and the need to protect him from her judgments based on the lowest common denominators she knew.
“After last night? You actually said something not completely self-absorbed to me and then you do this?”
He stepped around Dani, to my side.
“Hey,” he said quietly. No there you are, this time.
“I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize. Thought I’d come on over here and save the police the trip to the park.”
“Police, Dani? Are you kidding me? Did you actually call them?”
“No,” she said, chastised. “I wanted to see what you said first.”
“You need to go.”
“That’s it. I have to go?”
“Yes,” I said. “T
hat’s it. I’m not going to try again to explain this to you. You’re an adult, and I’m certain I remember you were with me when I saw people in the city practicing kink for the first time during Folsom, and every time after it that we went together. Except I didn’t look at it like a sideshow like you did. You dragged me along, but did you ever see me do something I didn’t want to do? I went with you because I needed to see people like me. I needed to know there was a place for me, when I was ready to find them.” I glanced up at Walt, but he didn’t return my look. “Dani, it’s time for you to go. And please apologize to him.”
She looked from Walt to me, and to him again, gritting her teeth.
“Sorry if I offended you.”
Walt, a credit to his grandmother’s manners, shook his head. “I don’t know what you saw, but it’s okay. You want your sister looked after, same as me. Thank you.”
“I’m going to go get my things and go home.” I reached for his hand. “I’d like to talk. Can I come to the park?”
“I left Sam alone over in the visitor center. Why don’t you come by once Dani’s on her way, all right?”
“Okay, I…” I patted my pockets. “Dani, can I have my phone? I need to send the site director a note before I leave.”
“I don’t have it.” She stared at me, eyes wide. “I gave it back to you.”
“Oh God.” I shook my head. “I’m sure it’s fine. I mean…people leave their things out all the time, right?”
“Sure,” Walt said. “I doubt anyone noticed.” He squeezed my hand and stepped away. “See you in a bit. Dani, you have a safe trip home.”
Once my sister and her suspicions drove away, I started for the entrance. The day had turned sweltering again and I was covered in a fine skim of perspiration from standing under the late morning August sun. A blast of cooled air was a profound relief once the center doors opened. The receptionist apparently had watched the entire argument and a beady-eyed kind of curiosity hung around her. Even with my skin still heated from the sun, a cold bolt of dread shot up my spine.
Nodding to her, I retrieved my badge from my skirt pocket and held it aloft at the scanner as I passed.
I passed row after row of cubicles, insisting to myself there was no need to scamper to my desk. Just as Walt said, people leave their belongings at their desks all the time.