by Unknown
Being on display to her piercing stare, about to be internally examined, my mind to be probed from each side, to be disclosed in view for her to see all the holes and dark spots in it, this feels uncomfortable. Awkward even.
She is my therapist and I am her patient. She needs to heal me and I need to be healed. The problem is that I'm not sick, not really. There isn't an illness growing like cancer inside me. It's just me. I am the tumor.
Taking my time to inspect the framed diplomas on the walls, I feel her gaze studying me behind the half-moon glasses, the woman putting into use all the degrees she's accumulated over the years.
I have no idea what is it she can see. If she sees the girl or if she sees the cancer.
"Well, Scarlet. I guess we can begin now," she says with a soft voice, her lips stretching into a warm, comforting smile.
Her pale blond hair restrained in a french braid, a set of intelligent blue eyes behind the glasses, a baby pink lipstick on her mouth and then the beige suit she's wearing, she's sunk into the role she's been asked to play in front of me.
Responding to her smile with my own, "Sure, let's get started but first things first," I say evenly. "Can I ask a question?"
Slowly nodding, a small line is forming on her forehead as she contemplates me. "Go ahead, Scarlet. I'll always be here to hear out your concerns. This is what we healers do," she assures but I know better.
All this time, I've seen exactly what she's been here to do and heal is just a small fraction of it.
She has watched, she has been noting how much I can take from the torture in that notebook of hers. Scribing down the proof like my life was just some kind of experiment to her. She was the observer and I was the main subject of her science.
"What healers do." Echoing, bitterness is dripping from my voice. "You are a healer and healing is what you do, what you've been born to do. It's how you serve Her..." I trail off, venom poisoning my words into silence. Perhaps, it's not my place to question it but I can't not do it. "But it's not only the Moon you serve, though, is it? You place your Alpha before Her, don't you?"
"I can assure you I haven't strayed from her path, Scarlet. If this is your concern, then I can guarantee you that I am a healer following Her biddings. I've never hurt anyone." Her words are plausible, the excuse as good as any in her place could give, but her voice is weak. Her eyes don't look at me when she says it, her hands are now hidden under that desk, probably resting in her lap.
She may not have hurt anyone, not directly, but she knows she has caused pain.
"You watched and you did nothing to help me. You took notes and documented my suffering but you stayed silent. You didn't do anything to stop him."
"There was nothing I could do, Scarlet."
"There was so much you could do, healer." Leaning over the desk, closer to her, I am sure she can feel my breath fanning over her skin, my hate for all that she is scorching on that aging face. "You could have taken care of me, helped me heal the wounds he inflicted, healer," I hiss out, hoping it stings, it burns, does so much more than that.
"The Moon has seen you and is going to punish you for what you did- what you didn't do, just like She's punishing me now with him. You just wait and see."
She's trembling. Her face pale like the Moon's on a winter's night. She knows where her fault lays.
"I tried, Scarlet." A whisper. "That night when the men brought you back from town, half-dead, I tried to heal you."
"Bullshit!"
Shaking her head, her glasses has slid down her nose, nothing obstructing our direct contact now. Blue eyes staring up at gray.
"No, Scarlet. I'm not lying. I snuck to your room that night. I really tried but... My healing wouldn't work on you. There was nothing I could do. Please, I'm saying the truth."
Do I trust her? How can I know she's not lying?
I don't.
"What is he making you do now?" I motion towards the door behind which he is waiting for me.
"He wants me to heal you, Scarlet," she stutters.
"You said your healing abilities don't work on me," I point out. She's been lying and now is getting mixed in these lies.
"They don't. Or at least, they didn't the last time I tried."
Raising a brow at that, does she think I'm stupid? "And now I guess they'll suddenly work. How very convenient."
"I don't know if my abilities will work. The tests are..." she snaps her mouth shut.
"The tests? What tests, healer?"
"It doesn't matter. Anyway, I need to try to find out if they would." Rising from her seat, she comes around her desk to stand in front of me.
"May I?" she inquires, lifting her right hand and bringing it to my forehead.
I nod, giving her permission to do whatever it is she does and her palm rests on my skin.
Closing her eyes, she's breathing deeply, expression one of deep concentration as I fight the compulsion to wrap my own hand around her neck and bring her closer.
Now that she's so close, her scent is stronger in the office that smells of antiseptic. Underneath the other scents, hers is alluring to my senses with the promise of hunger fulfilled, a hunger I've forgotten but now is back.
"I need you to relax and let me in," she says softly, not prying her eyes to look at me but continuing her meditation.
"How am I supposed to do this?"
"Close your eyes. Breathe. Clear your mind from thoughts. That's all there is."
Following her advice, I do as she says, waiting for something, anything. There's just a moment, a fraction of the second when I can feel warmth traveling from where her palm lays on my forehead, to my skin.
It's not uncomfortable but neither is it a nice sensation.
"Let it flow in. Don't fight it," she instructs quietly and though I don't see her face now I can almost hear the smile in her voice.
Slouching in my seat, my body is slowly relaxing and then, as if I've been zapped, I feel heat flooding in, retreating as soon as it comes. A woman is screaming.
I open my eyes only to see her - the healer, holding her hand up in front of her. The same hand that touched me.
The skin is red and peeling off her flesh as if it's been burned.
Did I do this to her?
(34) Revelations
|Regan's POV|
Will she remember this night with a smile on her lips? Will she think of me, of the moment we shared when I'm no longer by her side? Will she miss the warmth of my body?
There's only hope that someday she will.
"Why did you bring me out here, Regan?" she's questioning, sitting on the ground, watching the fire I've just started.
Hugging her knees to herself, it's not enough to warm her. With spring in full bloom, the days have become bearable but the nights are still cold, the remaining chill yet to give in to the warmth that's on the way.
Coming to sit beside her, hugging her to my side, giving her the warmth of my body, it takes a while for the words to tumble out.
"I wanted a moment for us. Away from the house and the pack. Just the two of us," I tell her snuggling closer to her. I want to bury my nose in her, inhale everything that she is, lose myself in her. My lips are burning for the taste of her, just a taste, the smallest nip on her skin. Will she allow it? Or will she push me away like she's been doing?
She's silent. Just staring ahead at the dancing flames. I can feel her worry through the bond like a nudging at the back of my head. "What is it, Scarlet?"
Reluctant to open up, she tries to move away from me. My hand's grasp tightens.
"Please," my voice sounds broken. The beast is pacing inside, restless as she withdraws further inside herself. She may be sitting next to me, body pressed to mine, but she feels so far away. Nothing but a stranger to me. A stranger who doesn't know the truth in my heart or the burden I've had to drag with me all my life.
Always a price to pay. Always consequences. This is what it means to be an Alpha. Every decision, every one of the small acts y
ou are forced to do day after day, it all comes with a price and there's not another choice but to pay it - either you do or someone else, someone you care about.
It's only now that I've come to the realization that I've been selfish. For twenty-six years, I've let others pay for what I was doing. First my friends, then my pack and at last - my mate. I was never the one who faced the consequences of my own actions and now I will be the one to do that. But will I be alone in my punishment, or will I bring others down with me?
Will I bring her down?
"You need to talk to me, Scarlet. You need to let it out," I say quietly, only the crackling of the wood and the soft breeze lulling nature to sleep audible.
The woods are so peaceful it feels like the nightmare of our situation is not real but just that. A nightmare you are supposed to wake up from. Nothing and no one exist in our secluded world now. Just the two of us, the night and the Moon watching over. Like a dream come true.
Only if she would talk to me, it would be even better.
"Scarlet?"
She turns her face to me, her eyes now looking like a liquid silver, a reflection of the Moon herself. I can fall into these swarming pools and lose myself and I want to. I wish I could stare at her until my eyes hurt, that she would let me do this, but I know it's too much to ask from her.
She's not ready. She won't tell me the words I long to hear.
"I'm scared," she says instead. "I'm afraid I'm turning into a monster, Regan."
I know how hard it is for her to admit it aloud, in front of me. I can hear the shame and guilt in her voice. I can feel them resonating inside the bond, making it sing like an out-of-tune string of a broken instrument. Is she that string or is it just me imagining things that are not there?
My hands go up to cup her face, the touch to her bare skin making me shiver in delight. My heart is racing, like the heart of a love-sick juvenile who can't control his reactions to the one who's haunting his dreams.
She is my dream. She has been my dream for a long time. I was just too late to realize it was her and not another female.
"You are not a monster, Scarlet. You will never be a monster. Even after everything that happened to you, everything I did to you, I can see that you're pure. You are brave and headstrong. You are so much more than that. You just need to give yourself a chance to see it." I am leaning toward her, the words bitter on my tongue, a contradiction of everything I've once believed about her.
It's hard to admit to myself that she changed me so deeply that I forgot my father's lessons, that I no longer have that hate for everything that's different. You can't hate your mate, you can't hate the best thing that happened in your life just because it's different than what you've been led to believe is normal.
"I wish I could be just normal. An average wolf, not this... half-breed. Aberration," she says the last so softly I'd have missed it if I was human. My heart clenches at the word. It's what I've called her. So many times I can't even remember all of them.
"I was the one who called you that," I admit. "And I was wrong. It doesn't matter what you are, Scarlet. In the end of the day, all that matters is what is in your heart and your heart is good. You are loyal to the people you love. You protect them even if it hurts you to do it. You still do it."
As much as it pains me that she's protecting monsters, I can't lie about this. I can't tell her she's wrong. They brought her back from the darkness that was eating at her. They turned her into the woman she is now and this counts for something.
"Tell me something, Regan. Would you have told me this if you didn't know I was your mate? Would you have changed your opinion about me?"
It is a good question, the answer to which hurts too much, but she is right. I wouldn't have changed if I didn't find her. I'd have probably stayed the same reckless man I was. I'd have followed my father's lessons to the letter, perhaps until I turned into my father.
"I don't know but I hope that I would have."
Hearing me say it, she turns away from me, the bond festering with her pain as small tremors rake over her body. I can almost hear her sobs but, in truth, no sound comes from her, making me wish to wipe that pain away from her.
I can't. Once again it's been me who hurt her.
(35) A Kiss To Remember
|Scarlet's POV|
I have been summoned. After the fiasco with the healer this had to be expected, however, it is far from an experience I enjoy even if, in fact, I am being problematic.
"Even I can see it, Scarlet - you're not holding up to your end of the deal," Cole scolds quietly, probably afraid of being overheard by the wolves inside the house.
"How am I not holding up to my end? I am sleeping in the same room, in the same bed with him, am I not? How is that not holding up to his terms?" I question, scowling at him.
"Fair enough," Cole sighs. "But you are also holding yourself back, defying him every step of the way, openly being hostile."
"Holding myself back? Hostile?" I spit out, tasting the words on my tongue. How can he say that? How can he blame me for something that's not my fault?
"Did he come to cry on your shoulder last night?"
"That's not it, he didn't-"
"Then why do you say that, Cole? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to lay myself out for him, let him do whatever he wants to me and just forget all that was already done? I'm trying, Cole. I'm really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, that chance he was speaking about but he's just... He keeps hurting me. Everything he does, every time he's around, I'm drawn to him and it hurts so much I can't breathe, Cole. Is that not enough for you?"
"Not for them," he mumbles, then looks up at me, fixing me with his midnight stare. "What if they rise against us, Scar? Where are we going to find protection from the wildlings? Who's going to risk it and hide us?"
Shame washing over me, I can feel my shoulders quivering with an answer to his question. I don't know. I can't find the solution he needs. He was the one who brought them to our doorstep. He is related to that wildling. It shouldn't be my responsibility to protect us.
"No one, that's who!" he snaps angrily, raking a hand through his messy ringlets in frustration. "I wish I could switch places with you, Scarlet. I really do but I can't."
I arch a brow at his declaration. "So you want in Regan's bed? Is that you finally coming out of the closet, Cole?" I joke instead of facing the truth of what is expected of me.
He wants me to do more, to become that proverbial lamb. Can I really do that? Am I too selfish to see past my own pain?
"You know I didn't mean that, Scar."
"All I know is that Adam has been right all along about your tastes," I chuckle, the words from last night ringing in my head.
Your heart is good. Is it really?
"Shut up, that's so not the point here," he says but, despite his weak protest, I can't help but notice his slightly flushed cheeks.
"So you really are gay?" I tease. I don't feel like a good person. What I feel is like I'm sinking, deeper and deeper until there's so little left of me that I can no longer recognize myself.
"Shut up!" hissing at me, I can see him intently listening for any sound that could hint of someone being in close proximity and eavesdropping to our conversation.
I groan, skip to the door, flinging it open to reassure him. "See? No one's around listening to us. Even if they were, they wouldn't care about you being a bender."
"I'm not a bender," he grits out after I shut the door and return back to him only to give him a mean grin and a pat on the shoulder.
God forbid someone from seeing his sensitive side. He has that side. Despite his harsh words and expectations, he's a gentle man. Someone who cares so much about those close to him that he's willing to push me towards my tormentor just to protect them, if not to protect me.
I can't close an eye and pretend I don't see what he's doing.
"Keep telling yourself that and you may end up believing it. But let me tell you something
, Cole. Being gay doesn't make you less manly. It's nothing to be ashamed of," I say when I want to say so much more, words that hold another meaning altogether, words of truth and forgiveness.
Hating him for what he's doing to me, I forgive him because of his reasons.
"We're not talking about me, Scarlet, so don't try to change the subject." Now that he's reassured there won't be any witnesses he's calmer, his voice an octave lower.
"Of course not," I agree. "We are here to talk about me being problematic. And I can see your point, Cole, but I don't know if I can do what you are asking for. You don't get how hard it is for me to act like nothing happened when I'm hurting so bad, Cole. More than you can imagine."
His eyes glaze, his pretense slipping as unshed tears fill their midnight beauty. Mine are full of tears too. They sting, feelings burning my insides as I fight for the next breath I probably don't deserve.
The healer did nothing for me - her healing couldn't help me, instead, my touch burned her, but this - being this open with Cole, is doing things to me I never thought it will.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, not trying to get closer to me, to hug me to himself. He knows that his touch won't make it right. Nothing can make it right.
"I wish you weren't this hurt. I wish I could make it all disappear..." he trails off, choking on the words. Shallow, meaningless words that change exactly nothing. "Sometimes I wish that we've found about you sooner."
But they didn't. It is a miracle they had even managed to find me. To heal me. Some.
Yet I am still broken. Even if I'm no longer alone in my pain, I'm not cured. However, it's not his fault. It's no one's fault but mine and Alpha's.
"I'll try, Cole. I'll really try," I promise him, hurting myself as much as I'm probably hurting him. "For you and the guys. I own you that much."
Even if that means to break that part of my heart I've barely been able to rebuild.
I will bleed. For them. My debt will be paid.
"Thank you," he says, a second, a minute, an hour later. There's nothing that can measure the time of our silence, just looking at each other as our hopes crash down to nothing.