Craving

by Sofia Grey

  “No, about finding me? I don’t remember getting lost.” The pup wriggled and Gran placed him gently back on the ground, watching intently as he stumbled back to the rest of his litter. “Gran?”

  Bird bright eyes regarded me. “The day Belinda died. They found you in the toilets of the Ernest Rutherford ward.” She giggled at my baffled expression. “At the hospital, silly.”

  It felt as though the ground shifted beneath my feet. I sank to a crouch as my knees threatened to give way. Disbelief laced my voice. “Are you saying Belinda wasn’t my mum?”

  The dismay on her face would have been comical in any other situation. Her mouth drew into an O as she started jiggling on the spot, her feet scuffing the floor. “Oops, I wasn’t supposed to tell you.”

  “Gran…” I didn’t know what to say. Like a bomb dropping from a clear blue sky, the landscape of my life had just been shattered and I struggled to find any words.

  “Can you tell the nurse I’ll have a puppy? I’ll look after it.” Her lucid flash was over, and I wouldn’t get any more sense from her today. She chattered to the puppies and grumbled about having cornflakes for breakfast while I replayed her words in my head. Belinda wasn’t my mother. I’d been found in the hospital. Had I been adopted? Gran had never even hinted.

  So who was I?

  * * * *

  I left Gran with a cheerful wave as I set off, back toward Manchester and this month’s bill to be settled. It was only when I’d almost run into a bus that I acknowledged maybe I needed to sit down for a while. My concentration was less than perfect. It didn’t help that the spirits were gathering around me in ever increasing numbers. At any time I’d count at least four shimmering forms trailing behind me.

  The nearest café was fine. I hunched over a large milky coffee and drew threads in the froth with my spoon while my mind spun and danced out of control. I’d always known I was unlovable. Did it stem from being abandoned in a public toilet? And who’d given me the Talisman? Belinda, or my real mother? Or was that just another piece of fiction, like the whole of my life.

  The longing for Kitten intensified. She soothed me in a way I couldn’t understand. I closed my eyes and conjured her up in my mind: the feel of her skin beneath my fingertips; the sensation of burying my nose in her hair; the moment when I slid her bra straps down her arms; the little sounds she made as I teased her nipple with my mouth; her kiss and the sweet promise of things to come. My hand fisted on the table. Kitten. I forced myself to remember her betrayal and ached for her all over again.

  I’d sort out the business in Manchester, find Josh and take back my Talisman, and then start putting myself back together, one piece at a time.

  7.4 Dante

  The man known as the Jeweler greeted me with a knowing smirk as I handed over the bulk of the roll of notes, keeping back twenty quid for fuel and food. As usual, he dressed in a pinstriped suit more akin to a banking executive, than a mafia grunt. The white shirt was crisp, the gold striped tie immaculate. This was the squeaky-clean front face of a massive underworld empire, run by a shadowy man known as Alistair. Few claimed to have ever seen him. My single encounter with him was enough.

  Even with the win at poker, I knew I was short this month. He counted the money, entered the total into his state of the art MacBook and looked back at me. “That leaves a balance of three-fifty. How would you like to pay?” He smiled like a hungry shark.

  Three-fifty? I scowled. “I make it two hundred.”

  Dark eyebrows lifted as though surprised. “You were notified about the rate increase. Did you not get the message?”

  I fought to stay calm. “That’s not an increase, that’s extortion. I’m struggling as it is.”

  His bland face gave no hint of sympathy. “Three-fifty outstanding. How would you like to pay?”

  For fuck’s sake. I dug into my inside pocket and extracted the heavy gold locket. Gran’s. “How much will you give me for this?”

  The Jeweler examined it carefully, one eye screwed up into his magnifier, before slipping it into a clear, plastic Ziploc bag. “One hundred for the locket.”

  My tongue skated over my lips. “I wasn’t told about the increase. I need more time.”

  A bland, regretful smile. “Even without the increase, you’d still be a hundred short. Do you have anything else on you?”

  Did I? With a sickening sense of inevitability I plucked out the medals I’d nicked from Kitten’s house. I meant to give them back to her. I pictured Gran’s happy face as she cuddled the puppy. Sorry, Kitten. I laid them on the counter and waited while he went through his routine of examining them.

  How the fuck could I raise an extra hundred and fifty every month? Jesus. I’d end up pushing drugs full time—and what if the police nailed me? If I was banged up and couldn’t meet the repayments… A bead of cold sweat trickled down my neck at the thought.

  “This is fine,” he announced, bagging up the medals and tapping into the laptop. “I’ll just update your record and then you can go.” More keyboard activity. Another bland gaze. “Don’t forget the rate increase next month. And a word of advice. Don’t ignore our calls.”

  7.5 Josh

  Katherine drifted from room to room, trying to stay out of the way, but unwilling to let me out of her sight. Every time my phone rang, she froze, turning to me with a hopeful expression on her face. Each time so far, I’d dashed her hopes. Suki and I were busy directing the movers so I set Katherine to work in the kitchen, keeping everyone supplied with tea and coffee. I figured some distraction might help. When Dante finally called, she was nowhere in sight.

  His tone sharp, he launched straight in. “Josh. I want my Talisman back. Where can we meet?”

  “Well good morning to you too, Dante.” I heard him sigh.

  “Yeah, it’s been a shitty morning, if you must know.”

  “Ah. You picked up my message?”

  A pause. “No-o. Can you tell me now?”

  “Katherine’s father thinks you’ve stolen something and he’s called the police. They’re looking for you, apparently. Where are you?”

  Silence. I spoke again. “Dante? You still there?”

  “Yeah. What’s that saying about bad news coming in threes? That’s the third piece of crap to hit me today.” He exhaled noisily. “I’m in central Manchester.”

  I gave him directions to Suki’s house, pulling his bracelet out of my pocket while I spoke. “Your Talisman is fine. And Dante, I should warn you. Katherine’s here.”

  * * * *

  Dante looked different when he removed his helmet. Older, somehow. A fresh level of pain in his eyes when he met Katherine’s gaze. Her tension levels shot through the roof, and I sighed inwardly.

  “My Talisman, Josh?” It was a question. He stayed on the bike, helmet dangling from the handlebar and both feet planted on the ground.

  I stepped forward, conscious of Katherine standing in the open doorway. “Come in. You said we’d talk.” He raised one hand and massaged his temple while looking beyond me.

  “Why is she here?” Jesus. It felt as though I was refereeing a playground fight.

  “Why don’t you ask her?” I turned on my heel and left him, catching Suki’s hand on the way past. Katherine’s shocked cry stopped me in my tracks. When I looked back, it was to see Dante slumped across the front of his bike.

  Two of the movers helped to carry him into the house, draping him on the longest sofa. His eyes were already flickering open. Suki appeared with a glass of water, while Katherine crouched beside him and held his hand.

  “Do we need a doctor?” I held my phone, ready to make the call. Katherine shook her head.

  “Let’s wait a minute first.” She squeezed his fingers. “Dante? Can you hear me?”

  The bustle in the other rooms faded into the background as we all stared at his prone figure. He groaned. Lifting his free hand to his face, he pressed the heel of his hand into his eye socket. “It feels as though I’ve an icepick in my head.” He
spoke slowly, swallowed hard, and focused his other eye on me. “Do you have some painkillers?”

  Suki hurried away, returning with a foil packet. “Aspirin with codeine.” She popped the tablets into her hand and held them out. He gulped them down with some water and struggled to a more upright position.

  “Thanks.” He spoke to me, but his entire focus was on the girl beside him.

  He wouldn’t go anywhere without his Talisman and for once, I was confident he wouldn’t run out on me. “Listen. Me and Suki, we’ll be in the kitchen. Come on through when you feel a bit better.”

  7.6 Katherine

  My mind kept harking back to the second séance, when Dante had collapsed after the spirit had taken over. He said it’d happened before. Had he been under the influence of another spirit on his way here? Where had he been? His face looked pale in the weak afternoon light and his eyes so silver, I thought I might see my reflection in them. His voice was gruff when he spoke.

  “What have you done to your hand?”

  “It’s nothing. Just a graze.” I felt my cheeks color under his scrutiny. There were so many things to be said and questions to be asked. I didn’t know where to start. I stared back, as tongue-tied as a teenager on her first date.

  “Why are you here, Kitten? Shouldn’t you be planning your wedding?”

  Okay, I deserved that. I lifted my chin and met his challenge head on. “I’m not getting married.” Did I imagine it, or did the tight line of his jaw soften a little? I pressed on. “Somebody saw us together, and my father wants to make trouble for you.” I tightened my fingers around his hand. “He’s told the police you’re a thief. I know he’s made the whole thing up, and I am so sorry.” Emotion clogged my throat. I swallowed and tried again. “I stood up for you, Dante.” I ran out of words.

  “Fuck.” He dropped his head back and rubbed his face with his free hand. He made no move to separate us. I continued to cling to him. “So what was all that about a wedding?”

  The moment of truth. I’d already told Dante more than anyone ever before. “My father had plans for me to marry someone. I chose not to.” One eyebrow raised in a direct question and I gulped, throwing out my words before I could change my mind. “I had to decide. To do what he wants for the rest of my life—or to leave and go it alone. And I’d rather take my chances and make my own mistakes.”

  “But you could go back, yeah? Even if you don’t marry this guy.”

  I closed my eyes as I shook my head. Oh God, did I have the courage to say it? I sucked in a rapid breath and tried to quell the hammering of my heart. Staring deep into his eyes, I spoke slowly. “This is permanent. I had to choose, Dante. And I chose you.”

  “Fuck,” he repeated. “I don’t know what to say, Kitten.”

  My cheeks burned, and I fought to stay calm. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m not asking for anything.” Shit, I was making such a mess of this. “I wasn’t going to sit back and watch as he accused you of something you didn’t do.”

  Time hung between us. I willed him to say something encouraging. “So what happens to you now? Have you moved out?”

  “Kind of.” I hesitated. “I’m planning to go and stay at Ellie and Sam’s for a while.”

  His voice was little more than a whisper. “This is because he thinks I stole something.” I started to demur but he spoke over me. “So if we could prove it hadn’t been stolen, you could go back and everything would be fine.”

  “No.” It came out sharper than I expected. “This was the last straw for me, Dante. It’s made me see what he’s like—what I should have seen years ago. He did the same to my Mum, threw her out when I was tiny, never spoke another word to her, wanted no contact with me until she was dead. And now I understand why she went. I’d make the same decision tomorrow and the day after.” I closed my eyes for a long moment and rolled some words around inside my head before speaking. “I’d rather have a chance at something with you Dante, even if it turns into nothing, than have the life he wanted for me.”

  The silence stretched and yawned between us. My thighs were aching from crouching next to Dante, and I shifted my hand in his, trying to free myself. He held tighter and when I hesitated, he swung his legs to the floor and tugged me onto the sofa beside him.

  Longing surged through me. “How’s your head?” I wanted to run my fingers through his hair, and scrape my fingernails along his light stubble. I settled for the feel of his hand around mine and the safety of polite conversation.

  A puzzled look flashed across his face. “Fine now.” He reached for my free hand and lifted it to his lips, pressing a fleeting kiss onto the bandage. “How’s your hand?”

  I felt my lips curving. “Fine now,” I echoed.

  An answering curve followed by butterfly kisses to my fingertips. Tucking my hand against his chest, he sighed. “There’s something about you, Kitten. I want you so fucking much, I can’t think straight.” Relief welled inside me. “But I can’t promise you anything. I’m trouble, baby. And I’m in trouble.” I started to interrupt but he carried on, his voice harsh. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  I shivered at his words, and he frowned. Releasing me, he shrugged out of his jacket and draped it around my shoulders despite my laughing protest. “I like you in my leather. You’re a biker chick, now.”

  His eyes gleamed. I saw desire and frustration, and wondered if I looked the same. I wanted to kiss him, to lose myself in him again, but not here. Not when we’d be interrupted any minute by a bunch of men shifting furniture.

  I spoke softly. “Let’s go talk to Josh and get your Talisman back.”

  7.7 Josh

  Suki murmured into her phone as I stared blankly out of the kitchen window. The sound of footsteps behind me made me turn to see Katherine and Dante in the doorway. Their hands meshed. Suki automatically turned away, the phone still clamped to her ear and her voice rising a fraction. I gestured toward the table. “Let’s sit down.”

  Katherine moved forward but Dante stayed put, raising both hands to his head, his knees buckling. “Fu-uck.” He staggered back, his face screwed up. “My fucking head.” Bumping into the wall he slumped down it, dropping to the floor where he sank his head into his hands. Katherine darted to his side, and Suki turned round while I snapped into action.

  “I don’t know if this will work, but let me try.” I’d only ever tried healing Suki and her female friends. This might be a complete waste of time.

  “I was fine a minute ago.” He ground the words out through gritted teeth. “Ah man, the fucking spirits are too much.” He rambled as I knelt beside him and twisted his body to give me access to his shoulders.

  “Here goes.” Taking a deep breath, I placed my palms on his shoulders. A sharp jolt of static zapped my hands, and I paused. Dante moaned, and I took another breath before closing my eyes. Regardless of the continuous little shocks jerking up my arms, I closed my fingers around his shoulders and inhaled deeply. Holy. Fuck. I felt as though I dived headlong into a pool of black water. His pain flowed over my head, rampaged through my veins and flashed around my body in a torrent of sensation, waves of electricity crashing inside my chest. My heart raced and clattered, and I labored to draw breath, my lungs tight and shrinking. Instead of a single burning point of pain, this felt more like a raging forest fire with me hopelessly out of my depth. I gripped tighter and withdrew into myself, focusing, narrowing my concentration.

  Without warning, he jerked out of my hold leaving me tumbling to the floor and gasping for breath. Finally my lungs remembered their function and pulled in some air. One breath and another. I opened my eyes to see Dante staring, his lips moving but no sound coming out. I craned my neck to follow his gaze. Suki.

  “It’s her,” he breathed, glancing back at me. “When I’m near her.”

  “What?”

  “The headaches. Every time I’ve been near Suki, my head feels as though it’s going to explode. I thought it was the spirits but it’s just hers.”
/>   Sitting up, I glared at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “Her husband. What did he look like?”

  Suki joined us, holding out a hand to pull me up. When I stood upright she wrapped her arms around my waist from behind and watched Dante over my shoulder. “Tall, slim, dark hair, goatee beard. I can get you a picture.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Can you see him? Here?”

  “See him?” There was a hysterical note to his voice. “He’s been fucking following me round for the past two days.” He scrambled to his feet, leaned heavily against the wall and braced on one arm. “Always in the corner of my eyes, just a flash of dark hair. But now, man, he’s here all right.”

  Suki’s fingers burrowed into my shirt. Her voice a whisper. “Please, Dante. Can you make him go away?”

  7.8 Dante

  The spirit—Gabriel—stomped around the kitchen, hovering near Suki then stepping up to Josh and getting right up in his face. Jeez, this was one angry spirit. If this was how he behaved in the afterlife, what had he been like alive? It would be useful to know his story, but right now, I needed to get some basic protections in place. I welcomed the distraction. Thinking about Kitten—what I’d done—would undo me. I’d come back to that later.

  I dispatched Kitten to my bike, to retrieve my dwindling stock of sage leaves while I raided the cupboards for salt and candles. None of either. I stared at the empty shelves, aware that Gabriel was trying to get my attention. At least now I’d acknowledged his presence, whatever he’d been doing to drill holes in my skull had stopped. How the fuck had he been doing that? In a world full of everything-weird-and-freaky, he’d just raised the bar even higher.

  Doing my best to blank him, I rattled out a shopping list for Josh. Salt, as many bags as he could get. Fresh sage—either leaves or preferably the entire plant. Tea-light candles. My gaze fell on Suki, white faced and highly stressed.