The Secrets That We Keep

by Lucero, Isabel

  I purse my lips and shake my head at him. “Antonio was scum,” I say matter-of-factly. “But I didn’t kill him, as you know.”

  He gives me a curt nod and looks down at the floor. I know he’s thinking that it’s because of me that Dante had his son put out of his misery. I’m thankful he doesn’t mention it.

  “I just picture you as this little innocent woman who can’t even kill bugs when they get in the house. I never thought you’d have run somebody over, and like I said, I know now that it was an accident, but I didn’t before. Clearly, we both have kept secrets from each other that we thought the other couldn’t handle. We’re both wrong in that sense.”

  I angle my body towards his and start picking fuzz off of my pants. “I was in a bad place back then, Julian. I was drinking every day, I was drunk that night and on the verge of passing out.” He lifts his head to look at me, but I drop my head to look at the invisible fuzz on my pants. “I know I shouldn’t have been out of the house like that, but I was angry and depressed and alone.” I let out a little cry and put my fingers to the corners of my eyes to stop the tears.

  Julian grabs my hands in one of his large warm ones and lifts my face to look at him with the other. He then takes his hand and caresses the side of my face. “You never have to be alone again,” he says softly and I let out another sob. I pull my hand back from his and wipe my tears and scoot back further from him a little.

  “Okay, another reason I was mad was because I found out you had been talking to Gage…or Lucas, whatever the fuck his name is,” he says angrily. “I thought maybe you had lied to me about being abducted and thought you had something going on with this guy. I don’t know. I just couldn’t think clearly.” He runs one hand through his hair and then back down his face. “What else was I supposed to think? You were talking to him on the phone at four in the morning and then try to run off, and I assume you’re running to him and when I heard his voice I was just confused. I knew he was hired to kill you and I didn’t know why you’d go to him. Not to mention now that I know his real name, I know he’s your ex…I mean, what the fuck?”

  I turn to glance towards the kitchen and can see Lucas still standing there as alert as ever, watching everything. I don’t know if he can hear everything we’re saying, but I know he’s definitely waiting to come save me if he needs to.

  “Lucas was never going to kill me. He was only trying to protect me…from you,” I say while looking down at the ground. I let my eyes move without moving my head too much and try to see Julian’s face. He is looking in Lucas’s direction. “I was confused about Lucas showing up too,” I admit. “I had no idea what his intentions were but when he saw you and put everything together, he told me the truth. He told me what was going on and I didn’t believe him. I came back home to you, only to later find out that he was in fact being honest and that you have killed people and were supposed to kill me.” I pause for a minute to see if Julian is going to respond and when he doesn’t, I continue. “Nothing is going on between Lucas and I, I just want you to know that.”

  Julian scoffs. “Yeah, but I’m giving you plenty of reason to run from me and into his arms aren’t I? He’s the honest one, he’s the protector, he’s fucking Prince Charming isn’t he?” He shakes his head and then rests his elbows on his knees and drops his face into his hands. I have no idea how respond to that, so I stay silent. “Annabella, I never wanted to kill you. I’d kill myself before I killed you. I just wanted to know what was going on.” I couldn’t blame him for that. I had been out looking for information too. We clearly didn’t have the best communication skills like I thought we did. Had we just asked each other what was going on and been honest, none of this would have happened. Maybe we would have been able to clear everything up and move on. Now our secrets were destroying us.

  “Julian, what’s going to happen when Dante finds out that I’m alive? Isn’t he just going to send somebody else or maybe do the job himself? What was your plan?” I ask desperately.

  “I have a plan,” he deadpans.

  “Care to fill me in?”

  He lets out a defeated sigh. “You don’t need to know, Bella. You’re right though, it probably isn’t safe here for you. I guess I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to go off with him,” he says with a flick of his hand in Lucas’s direction. “I’m sure he can protect you.” He says the word protect through gritted teeth.

  I have no idea what’s going to happen in the future, but right now I can’t imagine staying here. I need time to myself to think and figure out where I want my life to go. I need to make sure I have a life to live. I can’t stay anywhere near Chicago. I can’t give Dante a chance at finding me.

  I stand up slowly from the couch and Julian follows suit. “Well, I have to go Julian. I can’t risk staying here. I appreciate you not following through on Dante’s wishes. I’m glad to know that I wasn’t truly at risk after all. I believe if we had just been honest with each other, we could have avoided a lot of this. I’m sorry for lying to you and I’m really sorry that it’s come to this. I just need to get away. I need to be on my own and get my mind right. I can’t do that here with you.”

  Julian gives me a small nod and tight smile before grabbing my hands and pulling me closer to him. “Annabella, I’ll never forgive myself for lying to you. You have been the light in my life, the beauty in a world full of ugly. Your smile lights up a room and I’m sorry I took that away from you. You mean the world to me and I’ll do everything in my power to prove to you that I can be better. I know that nobody will be able to love you the way I love you. I love you with my whole heart and when you leave me, you’ll be taking it with you. I won’t be the same man without you, Bella. You are truly my better half, my reason for breathing, and I will never want anybody else.”

  At this point, I’m a sobbing mess. I have tears streaming down my face and I don’t even bother to wipe them away. I just continue to look into the beautiful hazel eyes of the man that I had fallen in love with and had given my heart. It’s a shame that my heart is now a crumbled, broken mess.

  “Please be safe and let me know that you are safe. I need to hear from you, Annabella, okay? You can’t shut me out completely. I will do right by you. I’ll prove to you that we are meant to be together. Let me do that. I love you so much and I’ll miss you terribly, but I know this is something you need to do. Now, go ahead and pack up some of your things. I need to talk to your friend here.”

  I wipe my tears and then walk away and upstairs. When I get to the squeaky landing, I hear their muffled voices and am thankful that they aren’t yelling. Once in the room I grab a large suitcase out of the closet and throw it on the bed. I start pulling random clothes off the hangers and the get some items from my drawers and throw them on the bed and then make my way to the bathroom to gather some necessities. Once I’ve gotten everything stuffed in the suitcase, I walk towards the dresser and spot a picture of Julian and me on our wedding day. I take a moment to hold the picture frame and cry. Once I’ve got myself a little composed, I walk back to the closet and grab a small box full of pictures of my family and dump them into a smaller compartment of the luggage. I zip it all up and pull it from the bed. I walk to the door and turn around to take one last look at my room.

  Once I get downstairs, the guys give each other a nod and then move away from one another. I give them a weird look but they don’t say anything. Lucas walks up and grabs my suitcase. “I’ll take this to the car.” Then he walks off.

  Julian and I stand there looking at each other before I break the silence. “Julian, I want you to know that I do love you. I can’t just fall out of love with you in a day. I just can’t wrap my head around…all of this. I don’t know if I’ll be okay with what you’ve done. I…I don’t know,” I trail off.

  “I understand,” Julian says as he comes closer and gathers me into an embrace. He rests his chin on the top of my head and his arms are around my shoulders. “I hope you don’t ever fall out of love with me. I want
the chance to show you that I can be a better man. I can’t erase everything that I’ve done. I can only move forward and hope to better my future and my future will only be better if you’re in it. So I can only hope.”

  He pulls away from me and kisses me softly on my forehead and then he kisses the tip of my nose before moving to kiss my left cheek. My arms instinctively go around his waist and then he moves his mouth down to my jaw and then my neck. He finally meets my lips with his and gives me a few soft pecks before I feel his tongue try to part my lips. I let out a small gasp and my mouth opens and I feel his tongue on top of mine. We kiss passionately for a couple of minutes and I realize this is us saying goodbye. When he pulls away, he runs his thumbs under each of my eyes and I notice then that I am crying.

  We give each other a small smile and I turn to walk away and he still has a grip on my hand, when I finally get too far, my hand drops from his and I turn to look at him one last time and then make my way to the door. I grab my purse and walk out of my beautiful house and towards Lucas who is waiting patiently in his car. I take a deep breath and realize I have some big decisions to make.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  I climb into the car, drop my purse on the floorboard between my feet and put on my seatbelt before looking over at Lucas. When I do turn my head, I see that he’s already looking at me and gauging my mood.

  “Lucas, take me into the city please. I need to go by Jade’s.”

  Lucas shakes his head a little and makes a small groaning noise. “I don’t think that’s the best idea.”

  “I don’t care, Lucas!” I snap. “I have to go say goodbye. I can’t just leave without letting her know.” I turn my face to look out the window and feel the tears threatening to spill over.

  Lucas lets out an audible aggravated sigh and puts his car in reverse. We stay silent for the first ten minutes of the drive. I have no idea what Lucas may be thinking about, or if he’s just giving me some time. I try to come up with a plan, but have nothing. There isn’t another state I can think of that I’d want to live in. I know I need to get far away, so maybe I should head to the west coast. I’m grateful that I at least have money to get out there and find an apartment while I look for a job. I’m realizing just how much this is going to suck, to start over and be all alone. No friends, no family, just me.

  “So uh, Julian told me to make sure you get to the airport safely,” Lucas says, finally breaking the silence.

  “Oh yeah? Is that all he said?” I ask, knowing he probably said a lot more.

  “He said I didn’t need to know where you decide you want to go. That my only job was to make sure you get on the plane in one piece.”

  I look over at him and arch a brow because I’m sure he’s keeping more from me but I don’t have the energy to argue about it. He just gives me a little shrug and the silence continues for another five minutes or so. Lucas is the one who breaks the silence again.

  “I know I don’t have the right to know, but do you have any idea where you’re going or what you’re going to do?” he asks softly.

  I let out a small sigh. “I don’t know yet. I guess I’ll just pick a place and go and then figure out my life from there.”

  I see Lucas fidget a little in his seat and I know he’s debating on whether he wants to tell me something or not. I decide not to pressure him. It’s another few minutes before he speaks up.

  “You can always come out to where I’ve been staying, I think you’d…”

  I put my hand up and interrupt him before he can finish. “Lucas, I can’t. I need to go off and be on my own. I need space and time to think. I don’t even want you to tell me where you ran off too. I’m sorry.”

  “Alright, I understand,” he says dejectedly. I instantly feel bad but the only thing I’m sure about is that I need to be on my own for a while to figure out my future without anybody’s influence.

  We finally get into the city as the sun is coming up. I feel physically and emotionally exhausted and can’t wait to get some sleep. I tell Lucas how to get to Jade’s place and we don’t say anything else to each other until we get there.

  “I’ll be right back,” I say to him as I climb out of the car. He only nods in response.

  I knock on her door and wait, trying to figure out what I’m going to tell her. I don’t think I can tell her the whole truth right now. Maybe later, but right now I don’t think I can rehash all the details. I knock again, but this time louder, because I’m sure she’s still asleep. Another minute goes by before she answers the door. She’s wearing a pair of boxer shorts rolled up at the waist and a white tank top. Her hair is piled on her head in a disheveled bun of some sort and she’s rubbing her right eye with her fist.

  “What’s goin on?” she asks while trying to stifle a yawn.

  “Can I come in for a minute?”

  “Yeah, come on. Are you okay?”

  We walk to her black leather couch and she sits on one end, Indian style, facing me. I shift my body and bring one leg under me and look at her.

  “Jade, I’m moving. I don’t know when or if I’ll be coming back but I had to come say bye to you.” I try to hold my tears in. I don’t think I can take anymore crying. My head is already killing me.

  “Wait, what? What do you mean, what’s going on? Where’s Julian? I’m so confused!”

  “It’s such a long story and I don’t really want to go into it all right now but Julian and I are going to be separating for a while. I haven’t decided on what’s going to happen with that, I just know I need to get away.”

  “Did he hurt you?” she asks, her brows instantly furrowed.

  “No, nothing like that.” I know she means physically, so I don’t bother to tell her that he did in fact hurt me. He hurt me all the way down into my soul, he hurt my heart and I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again.

  “Where are you moving to? Do you need any help?”

  “I don’t know where I’m going yet, I just need to go as soon as possible. I only have one bag, so I’ll be fine.”

  Jade props her right arm on the back cushion and puts her hand on her forehead. “Anna, this is all so crazy. I just can’t believe it. You and Julian are so perfect together. Your anniversary is coming up! I don’t understand what could have happened.”

  I just shake my head and close my eyes and hope that I don’t break down again.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” Jade gets up to come over and hug me. I let her put her arms around me and lay my head on her shoulder. After sitting there for a couple of minutes, I pull away because I know I need to get going soon.

  “Jade, I just want you to know that you have been like a sister to me. I love you so much and I will never forget you. I will definitely stay in touch. Thank you so much for always being there for me, you have no idea how much you helped me. When we first met, I was lost and troubled and going through a terrible time. You never judged me. You accepted me and helped me grow. I can never pay you back for giving me a family again. You are who I chose to be my family and I’m so grateful you wanted me to be yours too.”

  By this time both Jade and I are crying our eyes out. She pulls me in for a tight hug and we sob together. God, I’m going to miss her.

  “Anna, I’m going to miss you so much. You are like my sister too. I never thought of you as just a friend, we are so much more than that. I hope everything works out for you and I hope we can meet up again. Please keep in touch. I can’t bear the thought of not talking to you every day like we do now.”

  We disengage from our embrace but hold onto each other’s hands. “I’ll definitely talk to you soon,” I say. “I will be getting another phone so don’t try to get ahold of me on the other one. I’ll text you when I have my new number.”

  “Okay,” she says while sniffling. She wipes her tears and pulls me into another hug.

  “I love you, Jade. Thanks for being so amazing all the time.”

  She scoffs at me. “You’re the
amazing one. I love you too. I’ll expect more details when you’re ready though. Okay? Don’t leave me in the dark. I want to help.”

  I give her a nod and kiss her cheek and we walk to the front door.

  “Bye,” I say softly.

  “No goodbyes, Anna. We’ll see each other again.”

  “You’re right, see you later.” I give her a smile and walk outside.

  “Be safe,” she yells.

  “I’m planning on it,” I reply quietly.

  When I get into the car, Lucas has his head lying on the headrest and his eyes are closed. I feel bad for making him wait because I know it’s been a long night for both of us. He instantly sits up and looks at me.

  “Are you okay?” he asks sympathetically.

  “I’m fine. Are you okay with taking me to the airport now?”

  “Are you sure you want to go right now? Maybe you should get some rest. I can take you to a hotel and then you can go to the airport after you’ve slept at least eight hours.”

  I think about it briefly because a comfortable bed sounds nice right about now, plus it would give me more time to make a decision on where I want to go. However, I also kind of just want to get it all over with.

  “Let me take you to a hotel. You look like you need some sleep,” Lucas says as he starts to yawn himself.

  “Geez, thanks. I guess that means I look like shit. Fine, just take me one near the airport and I can take a shuttle from there.”

  “You don’t look like shit…well, not completely,” he says before throwing me a wink when I scowl at him. “You know I gotta keep you humble. But you don’t have to take a shuttle. I’m going to be staying at the hotel too, so I can take you whenever you’re ready.”

  “You’re gonna stay at the hotel too?” I ask.