“I was going to tell you sooner,” Lexi says to me with a scared, little voice that makes me picture her when she was ten. I feel tears welling up and burning in my eyes. I’m scared. I’m so scared that I’m afraid to even move. I look at her and watch as she slowly starts to pull up her sweatshirt and I see the one thing that I’ve been terrified of since the moment the world began to collapse. Finally it all makes so much sense. “I was just so scared, Val. I was scared of what you’d do or what you’d say to me.”
“Oh, Lexi,” I say to her, scooting over and wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close to me. I hug her as tightly as I can and it all makes sense, but the fear is still there. The fear is gnawing at me like a rat chewing at the circuit box. I feel jolts of terror, but I refuse to burden her with those. I have to be strong. I have to be brave right now. She needs me and everyone here is going to need me before all of this is over. “Lexi, it’s going to be okay. Don’t be scared. I’m here. I’m with you.”
I feel my hand slip and my fingers touch the bump on her stomach and I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl. I marvel at how long it took for me to put together the pieces that my sister is pregnant. Some medically trained professional I am. I think back to the baggy clothes, the emotional swings, and the whole experience that I’ve had with her for the past months. I remember even hearing her vomit in the mornings, but I tossed that into the pile of bad coping strategies that she was suffering from. I fight the anger that she didn’t tell me sooner, because quite frankly, I should have noticed sooner. This is my sister and she was too afraid to tell me that she was pregnant. It makes me feel like a monster. I feel her stomach and for a moment, I feel a tiny bump pushing back from inside her womb and I immediately start to laugh.
“I’m scared,” Lexi laughs as tears roll down her eyes.
“Well, at least you’re not alone,” I tell her, looking over my shoulder at the back of the truck with all of the supplies. “We’ve got a ton of supplies here that will totally help us and you’re not going to be the first time I’ve helped deliver a baby.”
“But that was with animals,” Lexi laughs.
“Minor details,” I laugh with her, feeling the tears burning down my cheeks. “How far along are you?”
“I don’t know,” Lexi shakes her head. “I thought I was sick at first and I never paid attention to anything. I think I’m really early, Val. I think I’m too early.”
“Well, you’re tall and thin,” I tell her, trying to reassure her. Honestly, I’m terrified on so many levels but I can’t show her that. I have to be brave. I burn that mantra in to the back of my mind. I have to be the strong one. I have to be the one who is going to set the tone for everything. “You’re not showing too much, which is expected for your body type, not to mention the rationing we’ve been doing. Honestly, you’ve been a pain in the ass for months now, so I’m guessing you’re in your third trimester. I felt a little kick and it was strong.”
“She kicks all the time,” Lexi giggles and I can’t help but smile. I’m going to be an aunt.
“She? You’re certain about that?” I ask her, lifting an eyebrow.
“She better be a she,” Lexi says before grimacing and starting to breathe heavily. I hold onto her hand and look over my shoulder out the window to where Noah is pacing. He’s going to be the father of my niece. I feel my skin crawl at the thought of that, but I suppose there could be a whole lot of worse things out there. I’m just grateful that it wasn’t me who got pregnant. We’ve all been playing it fast and loose at the beach house. One of us was bound to get pregnant. I look at Lexi again and try to think over how I’m going to do this.
The odds of this baby surviving are unbearable. I’m not sure what this child is going to eat, how we’re going to take care of it, or how we’re going to do anything. If we’re lucky, we’ll get to Dayton and there will be a fully staffed medical facility that will be able to take over where I leave off. I’m not trained or equipped to bring a child into the world, but this has been happening for millions of years. There were children alive and well before the invention of modern medicine and equipment. So if the ancient Egyptians could do it, then I know that we can. I look at Lexi and I see a strong, driven woman who won’t give up without a fight. That’s the kind of fight that she’s going to need if she wants to survive this.
“There’s no epidural,” I tell her as she fights through another contraction. “I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you. It’s going to be extremely painful. You’re going to be in so much pain that you’re going to want to die, but I promise you, you’re going to survive it, okay?”
“Nice pep talk, Val,” she says, grinding her teeth.
“Are they getting more consistent?” I ask her.
“Yeah,” she groans. “They’re a hell of a lot more painful too.”
“Then she’s coming,” I warn her. I quickly pull off my flannel shirt and throw open the door. “Hey, jackass, I need you to get me everything I tell you to,” I shout to Noah who is pacing back and forth like a terrified four-year-old boy who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Lexi lets out an agonizing scream and I turn back to her. “Hang on, Lexi. You’re going to make it through this.”
“We’ve got company,” Greg shouts from the back of the truck. I feel a sinking feeling in the depth of my stomach. No, not now. This isn’t the time for company like this. There’s never good company when someone says, “We’ve got company.” I look at Lexi and try to remember what kind of ammunition I have for the Sig in my pocket. We need to load up. We need to get ready for what is coming. Lexi puts her feet on the dash and pushes back, groaning against the pain. She’s having another contraction. There’s blood and amniotic fluid on the floor of the truck. I don’t like this. I’m questioning whether I can actually deliver this child, let alone do this while armed men are chasing us. I shake my head, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. How could I possibly ever be able to do this? How could I ever imagine doing this?
“How long do we have?” I shout, hoping that he can hear me.
“I don’t know,” Greg shouts back. “Not long.”
Not long isn’t long enough, I need Noah. I need a middle man. “Noah,” I shout for him to stop wandering around with his head in the clouds, trying to regain his sanity. We don’t have time for that, not with those deranged killers on our tails. I look at Lexi, who is beginning to get a grip on her contractions. I wish I had something for the pain, but there’s nothing. There’s absolutely nothing here for her to fight against the pain. I look over my shoulder as Noah runs toward the door. “Hurry, damn it,” I shout at him. Rushing toward the door, he stops at the window and looks in, getting a glimpse at Lexi and his face going as pale as fresh snow. “Get it together,” I snap at him. He flinches and shakes his head, looking at me with a startled, horrified look. “Take my gun and go reload it. Give it to Greg, he’ll know exactly what to do with it.”
“I know how to load a gun,” Noah protests.
“Then prove it,” I shout at him, telling him to get moving. He doesn’t know how his lethargic movement makes me want to scream. I don’t bother looking at him as I hand him the Sig and send him off. There’s nothing for me to do now but hope that they get back here in time. “Okay, Lexi, keep breathing,” I tell her as her face begins to contort and twist as the suffering and anguish spill over her. She twists and clenches her fists under the affliction of the contraction. I grab her hand and hold it, squeezing it tight.
I can hear the roar of an engine in the distance. It’s the kind of sound that makes you stand on edge, but my nerves are already dancing on the brink and it pushes me closer. I don’t have much room left. I’m not interested in this new distraction. There are is no more room for distractions. I wait for the contraction to end. I watch as my sister struggles and her face is covered in sweat. I wish I had something—anything for her. I feel so helpless right now and yet, I’m the only help she has at the moment. I’m the only hope any of us have
at the moment.
“Okay, Lexi, I’m going to slide between your legs,” I tell her calmly, trying to keep her less focused on anyone other than the small child getting ready to come out of her legs.
“It’s a mess down there,” she breathes heavily, trying to regain her strength before the next attack her body is inevitably plotting. I smile at her concern that this is in any way going to bother me. I gently lift up her leg and slip between her legs, helping her pull off her boots. “Are you mad at me?” she asks me delicately, like she’s trying to defuse a bomb. I look up at her and smile. “You are, aren’t you?”
“No,” I tell her confidently. Honestly, I’m not. Why would I ever be mad at her? Especially for this? I’m not the kind of person who would ever hold this against her. How would I do that to her exactly? This is my sister, my only sister, the only real person that I can care about in this world anymore without unconditional love. Everyone else is so much harder, but not with her. Not with my sister. There’s nothing she could ever do to make me hate her. I help get her enormous sweatpants off and bundle them up. “Okay, Lexi, the stronger the contractions get, bite down on the cloth. Make sure that you bite down on the cloth, okay? I don’t want you breaking your jaw or teeth.” Lexi takes the pants and bites down on the cloth.
I take her panties off and check her. She’s dilated, that’s for sure. While I’m checking her, I listen to Noah slamming into the door and ripping it open. “Jesus,” he mutters as he climbs into the cab.
“It’s Lexi,” I remind him. “Do you have my gun?” He nods, handing it to me barrel first. Rather than reprimand him right now, I decide to save that little lecture for another time. I take the gun and put the safety on, sticking it in my holster. “Where’s Greg at?” I snap at him as he starts checking on Lexi. I look at him, waiting for an answer. “Noah!” I shout. “Where’s Greg?”
“Oh God!” Lexi shouts as another contraction starts. I look down at her. I can feel her body preparing for this and retract my fingers from within her. There’s not much time.
“Greg!” I shout to him. “Hurry it up!”
Before I can even stop shouting at him, I see him appear in the doorway. He rips open the door of the truck and hops in, slamming the door and firing up the engine. He looks over at Lexi, his eyes terrified. I’m not sure if he has it in him, but he looks somewhere between determined and like he’s about to throw up. Gripping the wheel, he stomps his foot on the accelerator. The truck jumps forward, shifting gears. Everyone braces against Greg’s driving as he flies down the road. There’s panic in his driving, the kind that makes all of us nervous, that makes all of us want someone else driving. He slams into the side of another car and we all jostle to the side, sliding. I look at Lexi, making sure that she’s safe. Comfort is out of the question for her.
“Oh God,” she groans. “Oh fucking God.”
“Hold on, Lexi,” I say to her, looking at Greg who keeps glancing at the rearview mirrors. I don’t know how far behind us they are, but they’re definitely coming, just like this baby.
-End
LEFT ALIVE
Book Five
Chapter One
I look out the window and see the growing light of day. I don’t have the maps anymore. I’m not sure where they are, presently. I don’t know how far we can run. Outside the window, the dead earth stares back. Gray and black trees, stripped of all their glory, left naked in their death. I watch what’s left of the trees whipping past and feel a cold sadness dripping down over me. I don’t like the look of them. I don’t like the look of any of this. We should have stayed at the beach house.
Loud pings erupt from the back of the truck. They’re shooting at us. I look at Lexi who is completely oblivious to all of it. Her eyes are pinched shut and she’s twisting in agony, trying to keep still as another contraction plagues her. She’d tried to tell me about this earlier, back when we thought she was dead. How could I have missed all of this? I’m officially the worst sister in the history of terrible sisters. I look at Lexi, suffering now. She didn’t even have prenatal vitamins. There’s so much that she’s gone without. How are we supposed to do any of this while we’re driving and being attacked at the same time? I shudder at the thought of what I’ve been thrust into. I need to remove myself from the situation and focus. I can do this. I tell myself that over and over again, trying to remember that I’m not weak. I’m strong. My dad didn’t raise any pussies.
“Greg, step on it,” I tell him.
“I’m going as fast as this thing can go,” he snaps back at me.
“Greg, if they catch us, we’re all dead,” I remind him calmly. “Noah, get a gun in your hands and be ready to fire if they come up on the left.”
“The left,” Noah breathes heavily, sucking in breath again and again, gulping down the oxygen that his body is acting like it’s never had before. I stare at him while he nods. “Alright, my left or your left?”
“Yours,” I say, turning my focus to Lexi.
“We need someone in the back,” Greg says in a terrified, trembling tone. “We should have put someone in the back. Why didn’t we put Noah in the back?”
“Me? Why aren’t you in the back?” Noah asks defensively.
“Because I got my ass kicked last time,” Greg shouts. “Damn it, Noah, why do you have to fucking argue about everything?”
“Shut up!” Lexi screams as I attempt to reach inside her, looking past the blood and her body fighting to expel her child. I work as best as I can, given the situation, but there’s too much happening for me to feel comfortable.
I’ve delivered three horses, five litters of puppies, and two of cats. There’s really not much difference, no matter what you are, it’s an incredibly traumatic and horrifying experience. No one gives birth and lets out a happy sigh thinking that they’re ready for another round. No, birthing is a process that exhausts the body and often times, kills it. That’s what worries me right now. We have nothing for Lexi. Even when birthing horses and dogs, I had equipment ready for me to use if things headed south. In fact, I think about how little I have, such as sterile fingers. I look at Lexi, twisting her face and struggling with all of this. I am a pale shadow to her own concern, no doubt.
Lexi screams again and I shift my position, reaching and feeling the top of the baby’s head. It’s crowning. I look up at her and feel my heart racing. How has she made it this far? How is this baby going to make it? I think of all the normal procedures that she’s missed. There haven’t been any ultrasounds or any kind of testing done to see if the baby is healthy and fine. In fact, there’s been nothing done to put Lexi at ease. She must have an ulcer the size of Texas right now. It’s the kind of secret that has to gnaw at a person, destroying them as they go about their business. How has she contained all of the worry and horror that she’s been feeling? I look up at her and realize that she hasn’t. For the past year, Lexi has been an emotional wreck. It might have started out as the terror and the panic that we all felt going into the end of the world, but now, I realize that these last few months, it’s been more. I think about how I treated her with the death of our father. I treated her like she was being a spoiled brat. I treated her like she was just a misbehaving jerk. I should have seen the signs. I should have been more perceptive.
But how could I have known? How could I have suspected any of this? I’m not a mind reader, after all. I knew that all of us in the beach house together, having sex to relieve the tension and the stress—to just have a taste of normalcy—was bound to get one of us in trouble, but I was ready. I know that there are tricks to help the body reject a pregnancy. I’m normally opposed to abortions, but desperate times call for desperate measures, so what do apocalyptic times call for? No child deserves to be born into this horror—this endless nightmare. Or so I thought, I look up at Lexi, watching her scream and push as bullets again riddle the back of the truck and I can’t help but feel like this is all a miracle, that this has to all be a blessing in disguise.
; I think about what we’re doing, my eyes watching for the first signs of my niece or nephew coming into the world and I can’t help but feel like this is the new horizon, a dawn that none of us saw coming. We’re going to Dayton to try and find a man with a promise—the promise of salvation. If there is hope for a new world, then there will need to be another generation, there will need to be those willing to take up the torch and continue on into the darkness of tomorrow. People like me were willing to let that future, that hope, die. I can hardly stand to look at myself; thankfully, I have Lexi and my future nephew or niece to look at. God, I hope it’s a girl. I hope to God that it’s a girl. Despite all of the horrible possibilities that being a girl in the wasteland offers, I still would like to think that a girl would be the best. I think of little headbands with enormous bows, tutus, and adorable dresses. These are the phantom dreams of a dead world, but I can dream. I can appreciate what could have been.
“They’re gaining on us.” Greg reminds all of us of the imminent peril that is chasing after us, like wolves in the tundra.
“Shit, shit, shit,” Noah repeats over and over again, glancing over his shoulder to Lexi and then back again.
I’m not paying attention to any of it. I can’t. I’m beyond all of it, watching my sister’s body spread wide, welcoming a new child into the world. It’s a horrendous and beautiful sight. For the great miracle of life, it’s truly messy and terrible. There’s something about ripping a woman open and bringing a new life form into the world that makes me wonder why evolution didn’t find a less destructive process of birth. I think that the philosophers can debate the power and the symbolism behind it, but evolution doesn’t give a damn about philosophy or symbolism. Evolution is about efficiency, and I can’t see the fingerprints of efficiency and smart adaptation in this. I thought the same thing the first time I helped deliver puppies for a French bulldog. It’s amazing that anything ever survives, the mother, the children, all of them. I look at it and it makes me so terrified for everyone involved that I can’t help but want to scream.
LEFT ALIVE (Zombie series Box Set): Books 1-6 of the Post-apocalyptic zombie action and adventure series Page 66