by Hood, Holly
The first game was the classic; knock the milk jugs over variety. Hutch fingered the baseball; he tipped his head in my direction. “When I knock these over what prize do you want?”
I laughed. “Oh your cocky, don’t be so certain you even will. They glue those things together I heard.” I crossed my arms and backed up, so he had room to fail.
He bit down on his bottom lip studying the stacked bottles closely. He pulled back and let go releasing the ball. The ball sailed smoothly through the air knocking every bottle over.
I clapped my hands, cheering for Hutch. The man running the game shuffled forward taking the remaining balls back from hutch. He tossed a thumb over his shoulder staring me down. I pointed at the giant brown bear, clapping my hands with glee that I was now the rightful owner of one.
“I have always wanted a giant stuffed animal,” I informed Hutch holding tight to the bear that was nearly as big as me. I couldn’t see where I was going; I was walking in hopes of not bumping into anyone. My chin fought against the fur of my new pal as I tried to see past his head.
Hutch pried the bear from my grip slinging him over his shoulder effortlessly “Glad you got what you wanted. And happy to see you smiling,” he said. We caught each other’s pleased gazes for a split second lost in the moment. However, that was forgotten quickly.
I nearly slammed into Slade.
“What are you doing here?” I blurted, stopping before I stepped on his feet.
Slade looked between me and Hutch, Audrey and Erica came to stand on both sides of him, Audrey for once had nothing to say, and she just stared me down in silence. “My sister asked me to come with her to the carnival.” He concentrated on me now. I avoided his stare down, jerking my head away.
Hutch extended a hand to Slade. “I’m Hutch.”
Slade accepted, catching me off guard with his coolness. “Slade, and this is Erica my sister and Audrey her friend.” He shot me another look as he established Audrey’s place in his life.
Hutch waved at the two of them. “Nice to meet you, how long has Cherry been having the festival by the boardwalk?” He easily made conversation; it was weird to see him as cool as a cucumber around my old boyfriend. But he was and it was admirable.
I pulled at my earlobes, and suddenly I could hear it as clear as day. Slade’s voice, he was talking to me. I spun around. He was talking to Hutch, smiling a cool even smile, but his words were clear as day.
“I got your letter. I guess I agree with the most of it. Just wish you would trust me. And what’s with this guy?” His word echoed through my mind, blotting out the passing people, even making the music and voices nothing but a jumbled mess.
“Focus, if you focus you can do the same thing too. This is the only way I can speak to you without Audrey overhearing anything.”
I shook my head again even harder, trying to dislodge his words; the sight of Audrey made me not care about anything Slade had to say. I closed my eyes. Leave me alone, Slade. And when you’re ready to get rid of her then we will have something to talk about.
I came back over to Hutch and Slade. I took Hutch by the arm, gaining his attention. “Let’s go on the Ferris wheel.”
Hutch nodded. He said good-bye to Slade and followed me far away from all of them.
“I don’t get it,” I said immediately once we were away from all of them. “He was talking to me while he was talking to you.”
Hutch paid for the tickets. “That wouldn’t be surprising considering,” he looked at the couple behind us keeping our secret just that—a secret.
“But why now, he's never done it before.” I followed Hutch to the line for the Ferris wheel. He handed over the stuffed bear to the attendant.
“I think you should ask yourself that.” Hutch ran a hand over the stubble on his chin.
“He said it was the only way he could speak to me without Audrey overhearing.” And then it dawned on me. Everything that was happening was on purpose, but not because Slade was trying to hurt me. He was trying to protect me—from Audrey.
I closed my eyes. I don’t need protection. I can take care of myself.
But sadly, there was no response. Slade wasn’t answering back this time. Hutch helped me into one of the seats of the Ferris wheel. Everything was like a dream.
He locked the lap belt on his side securing us in place and after a few minutes, the ride jerked to life, and we were rising. I stared down at the twinkling lights and people underneath them.
I gasped, tears stinging my eyes. Audrey’s hands were securely wrapped around Slade’s neck. She dropped her head back as Slade kissed her neck, and then that’s when I saw it. The two of them sharing a kiss, one that Slade looked just as invested in as Audrey, a kiss that made my stomach ache and anger course my veins.
I gripped the belt. Hutch grabbed my arm keeping me in place before I spilled over and plummeted to my death. His fingers stroked the stark white knuckles on my hand.
“He’s confused,” Hutch insisted.
I huffed. “His tongue doesn’t look confused.” Slade’s hand traveled down to Audrey’s blue jean shorts. He squeezed her backside.
“He’s indebted to them, Doll. I tried explaining that to you just the other day. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s trying to save face. He’s trying to please them, so he can be happy.” Hutch pulled my hand from the belt and placed it in his lap. He tugged me by the chin, so I would look at him.
I blinked back the tears ready to spill out. “It doesn’t matter, because I don’t care anymore.” I looked away.
Slade didn’t care about me. The proof was right in front of me. I felt small. I felt wounded, and nauseous.
Empathy for none
I stared at the ceiling. The many cracks stared right back. Cracks were flaws. We all had flaws. Some of us were just better at showing them. Others tried to hide them because they didn’t want others to see them.
I couldn’t forget the kiss I saw between Slade and Audrey. And even though I thought I was finished feeling bad about Slade’s action. The kiss opened up my old wound, and there I sat bleeding out.
A gnawing anger nipped at my conscience. I never wanted Audrey to win Slade over. I at no time imagined it would be so easy. Was I that replaceable? Was I that forgettable?
I curled up in a tight ball and let the tears escape. Warm trickles slid down my skin wetting my pillowcase. I groaned, wiping them away with my fingertips.
How was I upset? Why did I care when everything told me to steer clear of Slade? Nevertheless, like every girl before me, I was drawn to his bad-boy ways.
Now I was in bed sobbing like a loser over a guy who had the balls to shove his tongue down another girl’s throat when I was there to see it. If that didn’t spell out the truth—that Slade had moved on—then I didn’t know what would.
I sat up, my heart pounding out a stubborn beat in my chest. Now I was angry.
I flipped page after page in the book Hutch had given me, and hour after hour, I poured every ounce of belief into every single word I read. I believed them like I believed in disappointment. I read over each spell until I could recite it without a glance in the book's direction.
I closed off the world and sat in my bedroom teaching myself everything I could learn. Things I didn’t know anything about, things I never wanted to know anything about.
I read until my brain hurt, until my muscles ached from the position I sat on the floor.
I read until I was angry all over again, and then I read some more until I accepted Slade’s choice.
I dropped the book in my lap and shut it, letting out an exhausted sigh. It was four in the morning. I raised my arms above my head getting in a good stretch.
“Now what?” I said softly. I stood up, my legs stiff and rigid from the Indian style position I had forced them to endure hours on end.
I raked a hand through my untidy hair and shoved my feet into my shoes. I took off out of my bedroom, passing through the dark hallway and slipped out the door
and hurried down the steps.
The only light was from the moon. I ran across the deserted beach toward the hiss of the ocean. I breathed in the salty air. The wind slipped past my face. It was calming and gentle.
I took a seat in the damp sand, the cool wetness nipped at my shorts, and I didn’t care. I pulled out the only candle I had in my room and set it before me in the sand.
By the moon and the light
Through the trees
Through the night
I ask for the strength
I ask for the might
Build me up
And tear her down
Grant me the power
Grant me the power
Grant me the power
To take her down
The candle’s flame glowed bright. I repeated the verse repeatedly, each time the flame roared to life taller and taller, changing from orange to blue to violet. I opened my eyes and waved a hand over the candle. The flame died out, leaving a faint gray smoke wafting away.
I pushed away the sand, and where the candle sat melting was a smooth stone. I lifted it up, the warmth and glow told me all I needed to know. This was my sign that the spell had worked. I kissed it happily and gently slipped it into my pocket.
I ran to the edge of the water excited for the next spell. If I did exactly as the book said I could see anyone I wanted. I scooped water from the ocean and held it in my hands, tiny drops escaping through the delicate crack in my hands. I concentrated on the cool water.
Let it be
Let me see
All the things I want to see
Raven hair, blue eyes
Show me Slade
Make me wise
I gasped. There before me was the liquid image of Slade in my hands. His eyes were closed, and he was lying in his bed—alone.
“Words. Show me words,” I ordered. I watched the water change gracefully, casting away Slade’s sleeping image and replacing it with a more awake alert one. His face was angry, upset even. He tugged at his hair, shaking his head in frustration.
“Words show me words,” I said again, begging for what I desired most, a peek into the world of Slade when I wasn’t there to get a phony version.
“You got what you wanted, now leave me alone,” Slade said. “Does it feel good? Do you feel like the better person?”
His expression pained me. “I did what you asked. If that’s everything I want to go home.” He bit down on his lip in angst. I wished I could see past him to whom he was talking to, but it was no use. The magic only worked so far. And I wasn’t strong enough to push it further.
Dad’s voice cut through the magic turning the water in my hand back into useless water. I spun around.
“What are you doing out here this late?” He started across the sand to me. “It’s too late to be wandering around alone.” He wrapped an arm around me and headed back to the house.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I said.
“Me either,” he stumbled up the steps and finally just took a seat before he made a bigger fool out of his self. I sat down next to him.
I wasn’t going to ask him why he was drinking. I knew why he was drinking. I almost understood it anymore. Dad tapped a beat on his leg and elbowed me into motion.
“She’s gone, oh why …” he sang softly making me smile. I started singing along with him until he stopped and let me take over while he kept the rhythm to the song. It took me back to my favorite time, when the only guy who mattered in my life was him, someone who would never hurt me intentionally.
I stopped singing, and the two of us broke into laughter, “that was nice, just l old times.”
Dad agreed. “I need to remember the finer things in life. Like my kids and the fact that I am alive.”
I laid my head against Dad’s arm. “Ain’t that the truth? I don’t think I will ever understand people’s fascination with love.” I sighed.
“Sure you will. When you’re in it’s a wonderful thing, when you’re out of its brutal.”
“Would you do it again?” I asked him. Would he want to fall in love and have his heart broken again?
Dad nodded. “I’d do it in a heartbeat. There was a time when your mother was the best thing that ever happened to me, Hope.” He kissed my cheek. “You should call her sometime.”
“I don’t want to call her,” I said. “She’s supposed to want to call me. I'm her daughter.”
“She thinks you hate her. I know your mother better than anyone, when she thinks she messed up it's easier for her to run then to stand up to her failure.”
“And I don’t like that about her.”
“You don’t have to, but that doesn’t change the way things are or who she is to you. What she is supposed to mean to you.” Dad squeezed my arm. “This guy, Slade, why the change?”
I looked away. I never talked about boys with Dad. “We just aren’t compatible. I care too much, and he cares too little.” That was our relationship in a nutshell. “I don’t know what he is thinking. And he doesn’t care.”
Dad scrubbed his chin. “Is that it?”
Of course, it wasn’t. I sighed. “I saw him kissing someone else. After telling me there was nothing going on between them.” I brushed my hair from my shoulder. “Like I said he doesn’t show that he cares. I don’t think he does anymore at all, if he ever did even.”
“I know it hurts, and probably has you thinking about yourself as a person. But it has nothing to do with you. These are Slade’s own personal issues not yours. Don’t hate him, but don’t let him treat you badly either, Hope.” Dad stood up. “Just let it go. Everything happens for a reason.”
I followed him back inside. “What if there are more reasons than usual?” Like magic and witches, things my dad would never believe if I told him.
Dad searched my eyes for more of an explanation confused by my statement. “Well, I don’t know what that is if you don’t tell me. Even so, even with reasons that doesn’t give any guy a right to treat my daughter badly.”
I rolled my eyes and smirked at Dad. “Your bias.”
“That I am, but I’m your father. I am supposed to be. I’m not supposed to root for your misery. I’ve had enough of my own. I don’t want that for you. What about this other guy, the tall one?”
I scrunched my nose. Was he trying to be a matchmaker?
“He seemed nice. No tattoos, he was wearing other colors besides black.”
“Dad, it’s called style and preference. Slade likes black there is nothing wrong with that.” I started toward the hallway and stopped. “And as for Hutch, he is a very nice boy, probably too nice for his own good.” I could imagine I would end up hurting him somehow. Someone as nice and caring as Hutch it was bound to happen.
We said goodnight to each other, and I slipped under the covers while dad snuck another drink that he thought I didn’t know about. I listened carefully to the sound of his door opening and closing. The squeak of his bed and the low hum of his television, I turned over and fell asleep.
Birthday
Birthdays, the one day a year I tend to forget. I was not like most girls. I didn’t get excited. I didn’t even care that much about growing older.
As I toweled my hair and came back in my room, there was a pale pink envelope addressed to me sitting on my pillow. I picked it up and sighed. It was my Mother’s attempt at contacting me.
I slipped it on the top shelf of my closet and shut it away. I didn’t want to see it. Someone’s artistic ability wishing me a happy birthday wasn’t the same as hearing her say it herself. I wasn’t going to be shocked if she didn’t call on my birthday. She never called.
And out my bedroom I went down the hall. The smell of maple syrup tickled my nose and teased my stomach. When I rounded the corner, I jumped out of my skin.
Karsen, Kidd, Nona, Dad and Elliot and Easton all were decked out in polka-dot party hats and had those really annoying noise makers.
“Happy birthday,” everyone said in sync, smiles o
n each of their faces.
Nona kissed the top of my head, hurriedly making me sit and placed a stack of French toast in front of me with a side of cantaloupe.
“We all wanted to be the first ones to wish you happy birthday,” Karsen said nudging Kidd. He worked a small box out of his pocket and set it in front of me. “It’s from Kidd and I.”
I lifted the black lid and pulled out the silver necklace. “It’s beautiful.” I fingered the small musical note dangling at the end along with half a heart. Looking at Karsen, she immediately flashed me the other half of the silver charm. “Thanks, you guys.”
Nona was next. She pushed my plate out of the way and dropped a larger gift on the table. The flashy silver paper danced against the table. I pulled at the red bow and quickly dove into it. Nona always gave the best gifts.
“A laptop,” I smiled, kissing Nona on the cheek thankful for my gift. It was just the gift I needed now that I was away at college. And I knew Dad couldn’t afford to fork the money out for one. “Thanks, Nona.”
Elliot and Easton both stood up and set a gift bag on the table. I eyed them suspiciously. “Since when do you guys give me gifts?” Dad smiled from the doorway. He sipped his coffee watching me pluck purple tissue paper one after the other from the bag.
“Love spell body spray,” I said with a grin. “You guys remembered.”
Elliot rolled his eyes. “It’s all the house smells like anymore. We thought you might need a refill. There’s lotion in there too.”
“Thanks guy,” I said, sitting back in my chair. Nona pushed my plate in front of me again.
I quickly started to eat what I could. I didn’t have much of an appetite. The one person that was supposed to be out of my mind was heavily on it.
Karsen slid over a seat. “How have things been?”