Invitation

by Christina Hoffman

  “Sure,” she answered. “Just scroll down to 'Home'.

  What magical words those were. Mom. Home.

  I talked to Isabel's Mom, Marie. I asked her to meet us at the hospital. She was there in thirty minutes, confused and distressed. I told her what I knew, and that she could take Isabel into Emerg to have a rape kit done. They would take samples in case charges were pressed.

  “Did that happen?!” Marie was distraught. She couldn't bring herself to say rape. She looked to me for answers.

  I wanted to reassure her, but I didn't want her to sweep this under the rug. Isabel needed to be examined. “I didn't see anything like that. But I don't know for sure. She was already there when I arrived.”

  We looked at Isabel, who shrugged. She didn't know either.

  “What should we do?” Marie asked me.

  “Take her to see the doctor. Talk about it. Maybe call a lawyer. It'll be up to you and Isabel where to go from here.”

  I stood to leave. Marie stood and came towards me. She wrapped her arms around me. “Thank you, honey,” she murmured into my neck.

  She held onto me for a long time.

  I walked home, beyond exhausted. I guess I wasn't numb anymore because it seemed like a lifetime of pain rose up to swallow me. I was trying not to start crying, because I could tell it was going to be bad. Awful. The kind of sobbing where you feel like your mind and your body are breaking. I needed to get home.

  I walked as fast as I could and reached my apartment quickly. I was unlocking the door when I heard footsteps behind me. I spun around, terrified.

  It was Liam. My beautiful Liam. And seeing him there, lost to me, made me realize I had loved him. The pain had been so great because he had meant so much. Too much. But never again.

  I didn't trust myself to talk. My chin was quivering with the effort of not crying. So I shook my head and turned away from him. He moved forward, slowly and spoke gently, “Maddie. You're scaring me.” He moved toward me, but I just backed away resigned. It was all over.

  “You can't be alone right now.”

  A horribly bitter laugh came out of me. Why not? I was always alone. It was time to just adapt. Harden up and get on with things, like everybody else seemed to do.

  He held the door open for me and said, “I'm coming in.”

  I shrugged. It didn't matter. I couldn't say anything without crying, and I wasn't going to break down in front of this person.

  We walked down the hall to my door, together but apart. I opened the door and dumped my coat and purse on the floor. I kicked them out of my way. I looked up at Liam, expecting his to be evaluating my outfit, my body, but his eyes were looking right into mine. I turned away. He followed me, a devoted shadow. I took my hair down and washed my face. He tried to catch my eyes in the mirror -- I could see his shy smile out of the corner of my eye -- but I moved past him into my room. I left him standing in the hallway and shut the door.

  I took all my clothes off, and got into my warmest sweats. I gathered up my dress, my tights, and my fancy lingerie. I carried it through my apartment and out into the hallway. I dumped it all down the garbage chute.

  I went back inside, ignoring Liam completely. I was shaking with cold. I pulled extra blankets out of the cupboard and got into bed. I was never going to be warm again.

  I didn't have the energy for a scene with Liam. That would have to wait. The energy required to force him to leave was beyond me.

  I wasn't worried about having him in my house. He would never hurt me -- physically. He was the kindest, gentlest asshole I'd ever met.

  As soon as I thought it, I started crying. I curled myself into a tiny ball in the center of my bed. I saw the door open a crack, letting light in from the hallway. I tried to say, “Get out,” but only managed to produce a desperate sob, which started a whole new wave of crying.

  Liam came and sat by the side of the bed. My hands were curled up under my chin. He curled his strong hands around my smaller ones. I couldn't pull away. My body loved his touched, no secret there. Getting rid of him was a battle my heart and head were going to have to wage, and it wasn't going to happen that night.

  And, if I'm being completely honest, I just couldn't make him let go of me. The warmth and strength of his fingers wrapped around mine was probably the greatest comfort I'd ever had. It was too hard to pull away.

  I fell into sleep.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  I expected to wake up the next day feeling terrible, but I didn't. I was still physically wiped out, after all, I had slept only 6 hours; but my body felt light and my mind was calm.

  That lasted about five minutes, and then the reality of the day I was facing hit me. It slammed me down into the bed. So much had happened, and there was so much left to deal with. I wasn't sure how to make it through exactly, but staying in bed wasn't going to help the situation.

  From my point of view, I had three main issues going on. Number one: Tell Liam he had to go. For good. Number two: Get my evaluation from Dr. Olsen, and deal with whatever fallout there would be from that. And number three: If Isabel had decided what to do about Owen, I would probably need to help out there in some way, too.

  After that, I had two blissful days off, during which I planned to sleep and eat healthy things and drink various brightly colored juices in order to build my system back up. The last three months had been, excuse my language, a real bitch.

  Armed with something of a plan, I swung out of bed and grabbed my robe. It was about 6am, still dark and rainy out.

  I walked toward the kitchen, hoping to find my phone somewhere along the way. I thought I had left it in my coat, which I had dumped on the floor when I dragged my exhausted self in the day before. I expected there to be some short text from Liam, to which I would reply, well, I didn't really know. I had cared so much for him. I hadn't admitted it to myself, but I had started to think of us as more than physical friends. I had started to imagine a future.

  But he had made plans with me, and then just dumped me. By text. So long, sister, and then not a word. He hadn't even responded when I'd pretty much begged for help with Owen. It had been a big deal, a huge deal, for me to try to get over those other men, to give Liam a chance to show me he was a good man. But, no, they were all the same.

  Still, if I expected a big fight from my heart and my body, I was wrong. He hadn't left the night before. As I came around the corner, I saw Liam asleep on the couch.

  When I saw him there, gorgeously disheveled, seemingly full of concern, I felt . . . I felt nothing. Nothing at all. It was like there was a stranger sitting in my living room. I was so relieved I almost laughed out loud. This was going to be so easy. I would cut him out of my life, swear off men for a few more years, and get back to focusing on school and work.

  He was awake at that point, and he stood, dropping my extra blanket onto the floor. He took a few steps towards me. “Are you okay? Are we okay? Can I give you a hug?”

  I took a step back and walked into the kitchen. “We are fine, and no you may not give me a hug. You have to go.”

  “Can you at least tell me what happened last night? I was so worried, I am so worried about you.”

  So, I made tea while he used the bathroom and tried to tidy up enough for work. When he came back we sat at the tiny table and ate cereal. I told him about Owen and the threats, and about Isabel. His jaw clenched and he slapped his hand down on the table. “I'll kill him.”

  I had no patience for him. “Oh, save it, Caveman. I've got this.” I was tired of the bravado and the bullshit. Where were these guys when you really needed them? I'd had enough.

  There were some things I was curious about, though. “Why did you go to Owen's house, anyway?” I asked.

  “I talked to your nurse pal on the ward and she told me that Owen had been giving you a hard time. Then she told me she saw him driving you home once. I know what kind of guy he is. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that something was wrong. When I couldn’t find
you at the hospital or your place, I thought I’d better try Owen’s.”

  “What do you mean, 'what kind of guy he is'?”

  “He's a jerk. He says terrible things about women. He's just a pig. Let's leave it at that.”

  I shrugged. What did I care what Liam wanted and didn't want to talk about. I started clearing away the bowls and mugs. He took them to the sink and started rinsing them. I snatched them away. “No, you don't get to show up here and start acting all domesticated. You were right all along. This can't work. I don't want this to work.”

  I walked to the door to put on my old coat and my trustworthy boots. Liam hurried to keep up. “Can I walk with you?”

  I sighed. I didn't want him to, but it seemed like it would take more effort to refuse. “Fine.”

  We went down the hall of the apartment building and pushed the squeaky old door open. Outside, the rain continued on. This time, though, I had my umbrella.

  As I opened the umbrella, it nearly poked Liam's eye out. I was at exactly the wrong (or right) height to cause bodily damage. So he took the umbrella and held it over both of us. In order to keep us dry, his body was pressed up against mine. Three weeks ago it would have been thrilling. Now it was just a nuisance. I kept tripping on his feet. I could tell he was hoping it would make me laugh, and that that would lighten the mood.

  But that didn't happen, it would never happen. I couldn't be with him anymore. It wasn't safe. I would fall hard for this guy and he would hurt me badly. I had no one but myself to pick me up when he inevitably crushed me, and I had so much to lose if I fell apart. I considered the whole “incident” of my time with Liam to be a good warning. It had been terrible, but I had survived. No more risks for me, though. I was just too tired.

  His hands were clenching and he looked like he was trying really hard to say something. “Look, this is not a great time to talk…” I nodded in agreement and continued along. He grasped my arm and pulled me to a stop.

  “I made a huge mistake. I miss you so much. Can we please just try this thing?” He put his hand on the side of my face and I moved away.

  I shook my head. “Why bother? You were right. It's doomed, so why prolong the agony?”

  “It's not doomed if we say it's not.”

  “Yeah, but what will happen is that we'll say it's not, then you'll change your mind, and I'll end up devastated, alone, and barely functional. You'll go back to one of your two lovely bachelor pads, with all your buddies for support, and your Mom and Dad to pick up the pieces.”

  He pulled me closer. He moved in to kiss me and I let him. I guess he thought this was going to be like Snow White or something and he'd thaw me with his kiss. The thing is, he had already used that trick and, for me at least, this was no fairy tale.

  He stood back and looked in my face. His shoulders slumped in disappointment at my lack of response; but soon he stood up straight and handed me the umbrella. As he headed towards the entrance of the hospital, he looked back at me. “I think you almost loved me once. I think I love you. I'm not giving up, Madison. Life is short and you're too special. I'm going to make you love me.”

  Good luck with that, I thought.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  In the interest of full disclosure, my lips did tingle, slightly, from that kiss.

  Still, I had a meeting with Dr. Olsen to get through so it was fairly easy to turn my mind from Liam. I had morning rounds to do first, for the last time. As happy as I was to, hopefully, be getting away from the Pediatrics unit, it was sad to be seeing those little faces for the last time.

  I was especially saddened to see Alex back in the hospital. I flipped through his chart and saw that he now had pneumonia. Poor kid couldn't catch a break. I went to see him and was dismayed. He was pale and even skinnier. He had an oxygen mask on, and three different IV's going. He gave me a weak smile.

  “Hey, kiddo.” I touched his hand gently. “How're you holding up?”

  He shrugged, too tired or too fed up to smile. “Why are there so many doctors around here?” he accused.

  I shook my head. “I don't know. What do you mean”?

  “That other guy was here. The one who likes you.”

  I'm sure my face fell. “Dr. Humphries.”?

  He rolled his eyes. “No, not that dork. The nice one. Dr. Mason.”

  “I'm not sure. Maybe he's on Pediatrics now. Some of us are changing rotations tomorrow.”

  “I don't think so. He admitted me from Emerg.”

  I can't tell you for sure if my heart sank in despair or flipped in joy. I was scheduled to start an Emergency rotation the following week and had counted on Liam still being at the other hospital.

  We talked a few minutes more. Alex figured that we probably didn't have to say a real good-bye since I'd likely see him in Emergency from time to time. As humor went it was a little dark, but it was also likely to be true. I liked that he could see some silver lining to all his future admissions.

  As I was leaving, he piped up, “So, is Dr. Mason your boyfriend?”

  I was taken aback by this tiny boy's astuteness, wondering what adult vibes he had picked up on.

  “Why do you ask?”

  “Because you're both nice. And you both wear lab coats.”

  So there you go. The wisdom of childhood. If only it stayed that simple and easy. I smiled at him and waved good-bye.

  It was creeping up on 10am, time to face the ogre. I couldn't say what was going to happen. Would Owen still try to blackball me? Would he come out fighting? Cornered rats often do.

  I walked over to the teaching area where a lot of the doctors have their offices. Dr. Olsen was waiting for me, reading something intently. She looked as grumpy as ever. Super.

  “Have a seat, Madison.” I did as she said, but couldn't get comfortable. I stayed perched on the edge of the chair. Flight or fight, I guess.

  “I'm perplexed,” she started. I waited. “I have your review from your chief resident, Dr. Humphries.” She looked up at me, but I kept my face blank. “It is not a good evaluation.” She looked up again, but I held my tongue. I didn't know what I should say. Telling her what had happened seemed like a good way to get myself into a lawsuit if I made Owen look bad at work. If he denied everything and Isabel refused to talk, then I really had no ground to stand on.

  It was back to the “he said, she said” business. The unfairness being, of course, that the people in power get to do whatever they want to you, and then people believe the people in power because, obviously, they're the people in power. I waited.

  “Which doesn't make a lot of sense to me, to be honest.” Now I looked up and made eye contact with her.

  “I found you to be very diligent. Your exam marks improved every time, and the nurses say you were wonderful to work with and great with the kids and their parents. Which is something, because I find most of the parents annoying as hell.” Was Dr. Olsen making a joke? I couldn't tell until she looked up at me, a small smile on her face.

  I was expecting a big discussion, a huge fight with tremendous repercussions; but instead she just tossed Owen's assessment into the shredder. “Sometimes I have to overlook these residents’ opinions. I can only assume he was very sleep-deprived.”

  I could barely speak I was so shocked. Could it really be that someone, some adult, was being a professional, was doing her job? Could it be that Owen had been so delusional about his ability to influence her opinion? Well, of course, that part was possible. The guy was nuts. “Thank you,” was all I could think to say.

  “You're welcome. If you need a reference later on come find me.” I started to thank her again, but she switched right back into grump mode, flicked her wrist at me and said, “You can go now.” I did, before she could change her mind.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  I looked down at my phone and saw a text from Liam. He wanted to meet me in the cafeteria. I'm not sure why I agreed. I'm going to blame my good mood and ravenous hunger.

  The cafeteria in o
ur hospital is not the typical brown paneling, linoleum nightmare of many hospitals. The furniture is boring, but not horrible. There are lots of windows, and sunlight, as with most places, helps to make it look almost cheerful.

  But what truly made the cafeteria look great that day was Liam. Holy god that man was beautiful. Gorgeous, yet approachable, strong like an athlete, but not artificially pumped up and vain. His smile lit up the whole room, and I can't deny that it lit me up, too.

  But I had to stick to my guns. The stronger my reaction to him now, the worse it would be again when he hurt me. It's some sort of direct equation. The greater the appeal, the greater the despair. I might write a book about it.

  I was curious, though. “What are we doing here, Liam?”

  He patted the seat next to him and I sat down. He leaned in to me and my whole body responded. Against the wishes of my brain, I leaned a little toward him, too.

  “I need to talk to you. Last night was no good for talking.”

  “Why is today any better?”

  “Because I can see you're doing all right. I thought you'd be a mess.” I must have given him a sharp look, because he quickly added, “You have every right to be a wreck. That was a bad scene. It's still a bad scene.” He crumpled a napkin in his hands. I found the nervousness a little bit endearing. “What's going to happen with Isabel?”

  “I don't know.” I sighed. “And I don't want to talk about it here. Too many ears, and I don't want to get upset at work. You know.”

  “Sure. So, can we talk about something else?”

  I hesitated, but eventually nodded.

  “I need to see you. I have some things to say to you. I want to tell you why I didn't call you back.”

  “Didn't call me back?!” I tried to keep my voice down, but I was angry. “We made three weeks’ worth of plans. You say you want to spend every spare minute with me, and then you stand me up. Then you break up with me. In. A. Text . . .Then you don't answer, like three messages from me . . .”