Zeke pulled her into his embrace and set his chin on top of her head. “Consider the good news.”
“What’s that?” she asked his chest.
“At least for the time being, we’re both going to New Mexico.”
She wrapped her arms around him and held him tighter. He was right. They definitely had unfinished business. A bombing that put all their lives in jeopardy wouldn’t have been her choice method of getting to spend more time with him, but here they were.
Chapter 18
Michelle drove the nondescript black SUV that afternoon after a bit of an argument with Zeke who insisted that, even though he technically hadn’t held a license for over ten years, he remembered how to drive just fine.
Zeke was, however, playing with his phone, which she found amusing. “The GPS on this thing is spectacular. It’s made amazing advances in the last ten years.” He’d mastered the use of the smartphone so fast after being revived that he’d left her in the dirt, but today was the first time he’d seen the GPS in use in real time.
“Flip through the stations and pick something. It will play through the speakers in the car.” She had already connected the phone to the SUV Bluetooth before they started driving.
He made a selection and eighties’ rock started playing.
She laughed. “Maybe I should have made a few stipulations before I let you choose.”
“What’s wrong with RUSH?”
“I wasn’t born yet.”
He laughed. “That’s right. You’re a baby.”
“We’re the same age, old man.”
“Except you can’t appreciate eighties’ music.”
“Except for that.”
Michelle had never spent this much downtime with him. Every moment of their time alone had been spent having sex. On paper, they should be the perfect match. She couldn’t imagine ever meeting someone so suited for her. But what would happen if they tried to have a normal conversation about something not related to science or threats to their lives or sex? This was the test.
It was possible they both accidentally found themselves at a point in life where they had needed the release. Hell, she still craved that contact. Even driving, she was acutely aware of him next to her and the effect he had on her libido. She knew it was the same for him too because he kept shooting her a look that included dancing eyes and a grin. It wasn’t aimed at the cell phone. It was for her.
What if underneath their crazed desire to scratch each other’s itch, they didn’t get along?
They had a lot in common. Was that a good thing or a bad thing?
She had always dreamed of meeting a man who was intellectually stimulating and challenged her. Someone with whom she could hold a conversation on a host of topics without getting bored.
Did Zeke fit that requirement?
He was also built and sexy. She loved his thick hair that she could run her fingers through. His deep green eyes that drew her in. The way he smiled only for her.
It worried her that he was accustomed to being more of an angry, bitter individual. Would he go back to that after the honeymoon period of their relationship was over?
The sour look she’d seen time and again on his face when they’d first met had made her back away on more than a few occasions. It had taken strength to put up with him without blowing a fuse.
Two things that had kept her from losing her temper and taking his shit attitude personally. One had been knowing from his coworkers that he’d woken up with the same disposition he’d had before he was preserved, so it wasn’t personal or aimed at her in particular. And the second had been seeing hints of the vulnerability in him that showed her what kind of man he was inside.
It was impossible for any of them to know what he was like before he met Meredith, however. Had his ex changed him? Turned him into a bitter man who wasn’t trusting? He’d hinted at as much.
If that was the case, Michelle had to wonder if the damage his ex had caused could be undone. He had been trying. But could he really trust someone completely again?
She realized she’d been in her own world for a while and turned to glance at him.
He was staring at her. “You okay?”
She swallowed, her face flushing. “Yep.”
“You weren’t here. I was growing worried you might drive off the road.”
She furrowed her brows. “I was right here. What do you mean?”
“You were in your head. What were you worrying about?”
“What makes you think I was worrying?” she asked, nervous that he’d noticed.
“Well, it started when I asked you a question and you didn’t hear me.”
She frowned. Shit.
“Talk to me.”
She should. She should tell him all her concerns. Every last one. But was now the right time? They were driving. They were stressed. She wasn’t sure of anything. Not even herself. She didn’t trust herself to say the right things.
“Okay, I’ll start.” He sat up straighter. “I’m glad you’re coming with me to New Mexico for however long it might be.”
“Me too.” That was easy.
“You have concerns.”
“Don’t you?” She glanced at him, gripping the steering wheel tighter.
“Yes. Probably the same ones.”
“I doubt that.”
“I’d take a pretty significant bet on it. So, let me say a few things, and then you tell me if I covered it.”
“Okay…” She let that word drag out to several syllables.
“You’re right to be worried about my temperament. When we met, I was an asshole. I treated you unfairly and bit your head off every chance I got. As I’ve told you before, this had nothing to do with you as a person. It had to do with me not trusting women and finding myself attracted to you.”
Damn. He did seem to have read her mind.
“On top of that, I’m used to being an asshole—”
She interrupted him. “Let’s not use that word. Surly perhaps. Sour. Angry. Not an asshole.”
He snorted. “Whatever. I’ve been sour since Meredith fucked me over. So, the reality is that if you ask anyone I’ve known for the last four years—or fourteen if you want to look at it that way—you’ll find I have been this way for as long as they’ve known me. I was already disappointed and on the road to full-on pissed with my ex-wife before I arrived at the bunker.”
Michelle pursed her lips. She didn’t want to interrupt him.
“There’s no question she did a number on me, and I don’t trust easily. I don’t need a psychiatrist to figure that out. But as you know, I’ve been working on that. The real question is, can I change for good? And I don’t have the answer. Not yet. I’m still working on it.”
Michelle turned her face toward him for a second. At least he was honest.
His voice was lower and he faced forward, staring out the windshield. “Something about that bomb shook me up. It scared the fuck out of me, reminding me that life is short. There are no guarantees. I shouldn’t waste a moment of it.”
She held her breath, absorbing his words. He was speaking from the heart with so much emotion.
He reached across and set a hand on her thigh. “I’m a work in progress. I have needed time to figure out if I can trust myself to love again. I have to work hard to school myself into something that won’t disappoint you.”
She shot him another glance, concerned. “That takes effort? Even now?”
He shrugged and turned to look out the passenger window for a long time. When he faced her again, he said, “No. I think I have that all wrong. When I see you, my blood pumps harder. All kinds of foreign things happen to me physically. I react to you in a way that scares and unnerves me because I never want to feel that vulnerable again.”
She released the steering wheel with her right hand and set it over his on her thigh.
“Honestly, you’re the first person to draw that response out of me. Meredith didn’t own that piece of me. I didn’t re
alize it even existed, so I didn’t know I was missing something. I just assumed people met, got married, and lived life. I never expected her to fuck me over. But she did.
“It left me raw and burned and all kinds of messed up. Probably because I didn’t have anything to compare it to.”
She squeezed his hand, feeling tears gather in the corners of her eyes for this man who’d been emotionally scarred.
He inhaled long and slow. “That day in Temple’s office, when I demanded something to do and she decided we should work together…”
Michelle remembered it well. She’d been furious with both Temple and Zeke.
“I already knew I was attracted to you.”
Michelle flinched. “You did?”
“Yes. I think that’s why I lashed out at you. I wanted to sabotage anything that might happen between us. Maybe I wanted to prove to myself that all women were bitches. Or maybe I just wanted to piss you off enough that you wouldn’t like me, so I could avoid ever finding out what it might be like to date again.”
Michelle lost the battle and had to swipe at a tear on her cheek.
“If I let you in, I would be opening myself up to a level of vulnerability I didn’t think I could live through again. When I told you I wasn’t sure if I was ready before, it was because of that.”
“That makes sense,” she murmured. It made a lot of sense. “What made you change your mind?”
“You did.”
She flinched. “Me? What did I do?”
“You never fell for my shit. You took it. Day in and day out. You’re strong and professional, and you didn’t strike back no matter how cruel I was toward you.”
“Zeke… That makes me so sad for you.”
He flipped his hand over and threaded his fingers with hers. “Yeah, pathetic. But eventually I realized you weren’t going to hurt me. You also weren’t Meredith. You’re nothing like her. I don’t need time to prove that. I’ve known you for plenty long enough to know you’re a kind and loving human being who would go out of her way to help anyone, including a jerk for a coworker who was shoved onto your team without your consent.”
“You’re not a jerk,” she lied. He was. At first.
He rolled his neck. “Be reasonable.”
“Okay, maybe a little. But not anymore.”
“Yeah, so that brings us to the real question. Can I keep this up, or will I fall back into my old pattern of growling and grumbling and acting like a shit when I get frustrated with a new project? Will I withdraw because I don’t trust myself? You’ve never seen that side of me before. I can really stoop into a very angry person both personally, and professionally, when I can’t find a cure for something.”
She smiled. “Zeke, we all do that.”
“Maybe, but not like I’m capable of. When I look at you, I want to be better. Do better. Smile more. Take life less seriously. I want to be a man you can trust to stay by your side unconditionally. To love you like you deserve.”
She couldn’t breathe. In fact, she needed to face him fully and absorb this revelation. So, she pulled off at the exit and over to the side of the road. After putting the engine in park, she swiveled in her seat and faced him.
“I still don’t totally know if I can be that man,” he said.
“You already are that man,” she returned, grabbing his hands and stroking the backs of them with her thumbs. “You’re just you, Zeke. Don’t try to be someone else. You had every right to be angry with the world after what happened to you. Anyone would have reacted the same way. What made things worse was that you didn’t have prior experiences with woman to demonstrate that not every relationship is like that.”
“Especially the sex.” He gave her a half grin.
“Especially the sex,” she agreed. “Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never had sex like this either. Not even one time. It’s awesome and amazing and out of this world. Does it scare me? Hell, yes. Anytime you have a good thing, you’ll find yourself worried if you can keep it.”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“Well, you’re not alone. I’m right here with you. In the same boat. Or…SUV. I’m scared too. I want this to work. It feels so good. I’ve had butterflies in my belly for weeks, ever since you kissed me that night. I tried to ignore the feeling and stuff it deep down where I couldn’t get hurt, but it didn’t work.”
He nodded.
“What I’m saying is that we don’t really have a choice now.”
He cocked his head and frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean it’s happened. We’re already a ‘we.’ We’re already involved. We can’t take it back. Maybe after the kiss, but not now. Not now that we’ve had the most amazing sex together. Not now that you’ve held me in the night and taken the burden from me when I thought I might lose it.”
She inhaled sharply and continued. “Not now that you’ve smiled at me and touched me everywhere and run soap all over me in the shower and used my vibrator on me and uncovered my deepest secrets. And let me see yours.”
He leaned forward, emotion filling his eyes, and then he pulled her into an awkward embrace that was hindered by the console. He kissed her neck and breathed into her ear. “You’re right.”
She pulled back, trying to catch her breath. She needed to say more. “My point is, we can’t walk away from this. And I don’t want you to worry about frowning or even lashing out occasionally. It happens to all of us. It’s harder when you work with the person you’re in a relationship with.
“But it happens. You’re not required to be upbeat and smile all the time. It won’t change how I feel about you. I love when you give me that piece of you. I love the twinkle in your eyes when you grin. But no one can hold that up all the time. And it’s okay.
“So, we’re going to take this one day at a time. We’re going to New Mexico. We’re going to figure out what we can do to help out in that facility. When Temple calls to suggest one of us move to another location, we’re going to make a decision together about how to respond. If we’re not finished with this, then we tell her no. If that’s not an option, then one of us quits our job. It’s simple. It’s not science.”
He smiled warmly and then tugged her closer and claimed her mouth. As he tipped his head to one side and deepened the kiss, she knew she’d done the right thing by speaking her mind. She melted into him and absorbed his strength and commitment until she had to pull away to breathe.
She stared at him, their faces inches apart while she caught her breath.
“So, we’re going to New Mexico.”
“It would seem that way.”
“And I don’t have to always smile,” he joked.
“Well, I would prefer you do so when we’re naked, but other than that, no.”
He lifted a brow. “Keep driving then. I like the naked part.”
Chapter 19
Two weeks later…
The Colorado sun was warm and inviting when Michelle pulled up to the bunker in Falling Rock and stopped the engine. She had never been happier as Zeke rounded the vehicle and threaded their fingers together.
She lifted her free hand to block the sun’s rays as Temple stepped outside to greet them. Her head was tilted to one side, and she had a sad smile. She wrapped Michelle in a hug as soon as they reached the entrance. “I’m going to miss you.”
“What about me?” Zeke joked.
Temple laughed. “Okay, I’ll miss your expertise maybe, but not your disposition.”
“Hey, Michelle has convinced me not to be so disagreeable. I’m a changed man.”
Temple continued to laugh as she opened the door and the three of them stepped inside. There were two people at the front desk. The older serious gentleman with gray hair had been working there from the beginning of Project DEEP. It was always strange when Zeke and Michelle knew the same people from different decades.
He greeted them both with a nod, but he was on the phone.
Standing next to him was a woman Michell
e didn’t know. She came forward smiling. She was petite and slender, but something about her told Michelle she was also fierce and strong under her petite stature. Smooth dark hair hung past her shoulders. Her darker skin suggested the perfect combination of ancestors. Her dark eyes were warm and friendly. “So nice to finally meet some of the people Temple talks about.” She held out a hand to Michelle. “Nicole Salway.”
Michelle smiled in return as she shook her hand. “Right. Nicole. I’m Michelle Houston. I thought maybe you were a figment of Temple’s imagination.”
Nicole chuckled. “It probably seems that way. I’ve been going by the name Mary Adams at the front gate for so long, I sometimes forget my real name.”
“Unfortunately, Nicole is leaving us. This is her last day.”
“Oh.” Zeke shook her hand next. “Zeke Holleran. Does this mean everything out front is simmering down?” He shifted his gaze to Temple as he spoke.
Nicole answered. “It’s been over a week since I heard anyone grumbling about plans to thwart the efforts of the bunker or attempting to sell information about anyone on your team. You’re on your own now. I’ve been reassigned.”
“Someplace more interesting, I hope,” Michelle said.
Nicole shuddered. “You would not believe it if I told you.”
“Intriguing.”
“Yep. I have to admit, I was getting rather bored here. Spending my days picketing out front as if I were a religious bigot is the complete opposite of my next assignment. It will most assuredly not be boring.” She rubbed her arms, another shiver shaking her frame.
Michelle would give anything to hear this woman’s story. Just for the entertainment value alone. If she worked undercover often, she probably had very interesting tales to tell. “Well, good luck,” Michelle said.
“I’m going to need it.” Nicole waved as she wandered back to the front desk.
“Come on back.” Temple nodded toward the hallway that led to the offices. “Are you still planning to load your SUV and turn around and head back in one day?”
“That’s our plan. It’s a long drive, so we’ll probably stop somewhere for the night, but we wanted to pack up the rest of our belongings. Well, Michelle’s anyway. I don’t really own anything.” He dug in his pocket and lifted up his cell phone. “A phone. I own a phone.”
Reviving Zeke (Project DEEP Book 4) Page 20