I knew that her being there did not bode well for the Partycrasher Squared team.
"I look forward to working with you, Tim." Linda held out one black-gloved hand.
I wouldn't take it. I couldn't believe the words that had just come out of her mouth. "Oh my God." I gaped at Partycrasher. "You told her my secret identity?"
"She needs to know," he told me. "Now that she's a member of the Party Line, she needs..."
"No!" I remember stumbling to a chair and dropping into it. "You can't just let her join like that." I remember my hands shaking, my heart pounding. I remember feeling sad and scared and sick all at once.
I remember thinking that this was the end of the world.
"Don't worry, chum." Partycrasher walked over and patted my back. "It'll be all right. I promise."
But he was wrong. So very, very wrong.
Our golden age ended that day. Everything went downhill from there.
Every adventure she was part of turned into a disaster one way or another. When we took on Extreme Umbrage and the Walking Tire Fire, an entire neighborhood went up in flames because Linda let herself be taken hostage. A few days later, Dr. Scatological got the drop on me because I was distracted by Linda's screams for help; I ended up with a severe case of temporary Tourette syndrome that made me blurt obscenities in front of a TV news crew.
Sword-Swallower and Haggis Master got away from us twice--twice--because Linda insisted she understood their cypher clues better than Partycrasher did. Wild Goose led us all the way to the Canadian Maritimes for the same reason, in search of a doomsday device that didn't exist. Then there was the day Trophy Wife, MILF, and The Mammarian caught us in a trap that never would have worked in the pre-Linda days. We had to be rescued by firefighters, extracted from a giant party favor with the jaws of life.
As for the Win, Place, and Show affair, I don't even want to talk about it. The day three tenth rate losers like them could trick us into a collapsing glue factory that nearly got us all killed was the day we became a true embarrassment to the crimefighting community.
Did Partycrasher even seem to notice how far we'd fallen? No, he did not. He seemed perfectly happy throughout all our debacles, as if he were having fun. The public displays of affection with Linda grew more and more obnoxious, and the baby-talk just got more sickening.
Still, in my heart, I never gave up on him. I always believed I could somehow save him and restore the Partycrasher Squared team to its glory days.
Even when he told me the big news. Even then.
"Partygirl and I are getting married, chum!" He told me this in the Party Creche one night, when we were alone. "Can you believe it?"
I could, unfortunately. It wasn't like I hadn't seen it coming. "Huh."
Grinning, he grabbed me by the shoulders. "Well, aren't you going to congratulate me?"
I wondered what to say. Should I let the moment pass and play along, pretending I was happy for him? Wouldn't that just strengthen her hold on him?
"Don't do it." I shook my head grimly. "Please, Partycrasher. Don't do it."
He frowned in disbelief. "I thought you'd be happy for me." He let go of my shoulders. "I was going to ask you to be my best man."
"Can't you see what she's done to you?" I said. "How she's gotten inside your head?"
"It's called love, Tim. It's a good thing."
"Listen to me!" I grabbed hold of his upper arms and gave him a shake. "If someone managed to brainwash you, would you even know it? If your mind was being controlled, how could you tell what you were really feeling?"
He looked hurt. "I'm not brainwashed, Tim."
"But what if someone had warped your perceptions? It's what she does, Partycrasher. It's her super-power!"
Partycrasher's expression was one of wounded betrayal. "Don't do this, Tim." He shook free of my grip and stepped back from me. "Please don't do this."
"Wait." I knew I was losing him. Her influence was too strong. "What if I asked you...to choose? Choose between me and her?"
He stared at me for a long moment, and then his expression changed from hurt to pity. "Don't ask me that, Tim." He turned and walked toward the Partymobile. "I don't think you'll like the answer."
So that was it. Now I knew where I stood. I had taken the full measure of Linda's power over him, and all was clear to me. In a contest of wills, she would always win.
But even then, I still did not give up on him. Because I still had one ace up my sleeve, one way to stop his final descent and corruption. One way to thwart Linda's final triumph.
And the sweet irony of it all was that Partycrasher himself had given it to me in the first place. He was the deliverer of his own salvation in the form of the astounding...
*****
WHEN PARTYCRASHERS COLLIDE!
It's harder than ever to force out the words. "Y-you can't b-be...legally married...to a c-creature...of p-pure, unearthly...evil."
"You delusional..." Partycrasher kicks me in the belly with what feels like all his strength. "...psychopathic..." Then he kicks me in the chest with staggering force. "...maniac!" Next, he hauls back his foot and kicks me in what's left of my face. "She was a woman! She was my wife!" Then, another kick to the face for good measure. "And you...you stalked her and you..."
"P-protected you." My jaw won't move right anymore. I think it's broken. "I d-did what you t-told me...when you g-gave me the..."
"I didn't give you anything! You stole it!"
"Y-you said...if you ever f-fell...under c-control...of an evil f-force..." I suck in a deep breath and push myself to keep going. "If you were ever t-turned...against the cause of j-j-justice...I should use it on you. I sh-should use the..."
"There is no such thing as a De-Evilizer!" Partygoer kicks me in the face again. "It was only ever an ordinary..."
*****
ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN, ONE SHOT!
When I kicked the door in, I found Linda sitting in a chair, waiting for me. She was wearing a red, satiny gown with arcane symbols embroidered in black along the low neckline. "Oh, hello, Tim." She put aside the book she'd been reading and smiled. "What can I do for you?"
Without a word, I pulled the De-Evilizer from its holster on my hip. The gleaming silver metal of its body felt warm in my grip.
"I was wondering when you'd get around to this." Linda threw her head back and laughed. "Come to cut your boy loose, have you?"
The De-Evilizer had a smooth, curved body with a long barrel. As I pointed it at her, it pulsed and glowed faintly with strange alien energies like some kind of a living thing.
"Well, you're too fucking late." Linda rose from the chair. Her skin began to turn crimson as she took a step toward me. Her eyes gleamed with yellow light, and her ears grew points. "He's mine and he always will be. I have taken the world's greatest super-hero and made him my bitch. And there's nothing you or anyone can ever do about it!"
My hand shook as she strolled across the apartment that had once been his alone. It was her territory now, her turf. And Partycrasher was helpless to resist her.
If I didn't act quickly, he would stay that way. If I didn't do what I'd come there to do, he would be forever lost, and I...
I was sure I would be dead at her feet. Now that I'd played my final card, now that I'd seen her true form, she couldn't afford to leave me alive.
But then I'd known that before I'd walked in the door, hadn't I?
Reaching up with my free hand, I braced my grip and steadied the De-Evilizer. I thought back to the day, years before, when Partycrasher himself had given it to me.
I want you to have this, he'd told me. It's extraterrestrial technology from Area 51.
At first, I'd stared at the thing without taking it. What does it do?
Destroys evil, he'd said. Burns it away with cleansing fire.
Shouldn't you keep it? I'd asked him.
He'd pushed it toward me more insistently. It's for you, Tim. In case an evil force takes control of my mind. In case I ever turn
against the cause of justice.
Impossible, I'd said. That could never happen.
Remember last month, when Power of Suggestion and the Hypnoid made me fight you? It can happen again, only much worse. With that, Partycrasher had pressed the weapon into my hand. You must be my fail-safe, do you understand? Don't let my awesome powers be used against the world I've sworn to defend.
Gazing at the De-Evilizer, I'd closed my fingers around it. I could never...
You will do what you must! He'd thrown himself forward then and hugged me. Swear it!
And so I'd sworn it. And now here I was, ready to use the De-Evilizer for the first time. Praying with all my heart that it would work, that it would save him.
It was his last chance, and I knew it. Our last chance.
"So go ahead!" A forked tongue flickered between Linda's lips, which were now literally on fire. "Shoot your load, Tiny Tim! Go for the gusto!"
As she strode toward me, sneering, her now-crimson body grew taller. Snakes wrapped around her arms and legs, squirming in continuous motion. Leathery batlike wings burst out of her back and expanded behind her, flapping ominously.
This, then, was what she'd been all along...what I'd sensed her true nature to be. She was a demoness, a she-devil, a creature belched up from the fiery pits of Hell itself. No wonder she'd been able to use trickery so effectively. No wonder she'd been able to cloud Partycrasher's mind, to fill it with delusions.
"What's the matter?" Linda conjured a flaming whip out of thin air and cracked it in my direction. "Aren't you man enough to take me?"
I was scared, no doubt about it--but also determined. Partycrasher was depending on me...and through him, through the great feats he was yet destined to accomplish, the whole world was depending on me, too.
"Come on, Partypooper! Give it your best shot!" Linda cracked the whip again and howled with laughter. "But you better make it a good one, because that's all you'll get!"
My hands tightened around the De-Evilizer. There was no trigger to pull; it would activate by mental command.
Again, she snapped the whip. The blazing tip sizzled past my left ear, but I didn't flinch. In the name of Partycrasher and all he stood for, I would not be deterred.
I prepared to give the mental command.
Then, suddenly, the apartment changed around me. In the blink of an eye, everything was different.
The whole living room was brighter. Every inch of it seemed cleaner and sharper--as if I'd been looking through an imperfect lens, and everything had been slightly out of focus until now.
As for Linda, she no longer looked like a demonic she-devil. Gone were the wings, yellow eyes, crimson skin, and forked tongue. Instead of a red gown embroidered with mystic symbols, she wore her Partygirl costume, the little black dress with crimson-lined cape and black fishnet stockings.
And the look on her face was nothing at all like what I'd seen earlier. Instead of gleeful wickedness, I saw total surprise and fear.
"No, Tim!" Her voice trembled as she said it. "Please, don't! We can work this out, I know we can!"
"Linda?" I was so surprised, I lowered the gun. "What...?"
"I want to help you, Tim! We both do!" Breathless, she pressed a hand against her chest. "You're part of the family, and that will never..."
"No!" I swung the gun up, certain that this was all one of Linda's illusions. "You won't fool me that easily, Loveblind!"
Suddenly, the room shifted again. This time, it grew brighter still. The furnishings looked newer and more expensive. The carpet went from brown to white, the end tables from stained wood to glass and chrome.
As for Linda, she was dressed in black silk pajamas. "Why are you doing this, Tim?" She was crying and clutching her stomach. Blood welled up around her hands, dripping onto the carpet at her feet. "Oh God, why?"
I shook my head hard but didn't lower the De-Evilizer. "Nice try, bitch!"
How many more illusions was she going to bombard me with? How much more innocent could she make herself appear?
I wasn't going to wait around to find out.
Clenching my teeth, I aimed the De-Evilizer at Linda's forehead. I took a breath to steady myself.
And then I gave the mental command.
Linda of the black silk pajamas tumbled toward the carpet. On her way down, she became Linda of the Partygirl outfit, gazing at me from behind her domino mask.
And when she hit the floor, she became the she-devil again, her entire body hissing as the De-Evilizer burned away the foul darkness festering in her soul.
At which point the front door flew open and Partycrasher charged into the apartment. "Nooo!" He looked from me to Linda, then back again. "Put it down, Tim! For God's sake, put down the..."
*****
TRUTH IS THE GREATEST SUPER-POWER OF THEM ALL!
Partycrasher gives me another kick in the chest. "Why you hated her so much, I'll never know." The next one, he plants in my groin. "Frankly, I don't much give a shit anymore."
I squirm on the ground, groaning from the pain. I can't even manage a scream anymore. "Sh-she was...t-turning you...evil..."
"I said..." He kicks me again. "...I don't care." And again.
"B-but the De-Evilizer..."
"...was the .45 automatic that was stolen from my apartment in a break-in three years ago!" Suddenly, he leans down and lifts me off the pavement by my blood-soaked cape. "You killed my wife with my own gun!"
I try to shake my head, which comes out more like a twitch. "S-saved...you..."
"Saved me?" He hauls me close so we're face to face. "You ruined me, you demented son of a bitch. You took the one thing I ever cared about in this..."
I close my eyes. I try to shut him out.
What if this is all an illusion? What if Linda Loveblind sank her hooks in me, too...and if only I concentrate hard enough, the real world will peek through and I can see...
*****
HONORING THE PARTNER OF A LIFETIME.
As I stand on the dais and gaze out at the crowd, I feel like I'm going to cry. Other than the day Partycrasher invited me to join the Party Line, this is by far the finest day of my life.
Every super-hero in Isosceles City is assembled here today. I see Hericane, Mardi Gras, Overtime, Stalwart...Widening Gyre, Thunder Perfect Mind, The Jupitarian...Flotilla, Red Baron, Carpet Bomber, Concorde...Retcon, CEO, King David, Old Glory. They all gaze up at me, grinning with approval--some winking, some giving me a thumbs-up.
Then, Partycrasher walks out and stands in front of me, facing the crowd. "We are gathered here today to bestow the ultimate honor that the super-hero community can give." He lifts up a glittering medal on a red velvet yoke, holds it over his head. "The Order of the Golden Mask."
Everyone applauds at once. Some of the heroes whoop and whistle. Mardi Gras shoots up fireworks.
"I bestow this award upon the man who saved me from Linda Loveblind, the femme fatale who infiltrated my super-team...and my personal life." Partycrasher turns and smiles at me. "I bestow this award upon the truest and most faithful hero ever to fight crime by my side."
He walks over and drapes the medal around my neck.
"I have never been more proud of you," he says softly as he kisses my cheek. And then he turns to the audience again and raises his arms high. "Please join me now in recognizing this courageous hero for his outstanding achievement and the statement it makes about the true nature of heroism in our..."
*****
THE LAST STAND OF A HERO'S HERO.
Partycrasher's voice brings me back. "Maybe you think I won't cross the line tonight." His eyes come into focus again, glaring out from the holes in his black cowl. "Maybe you think I take my oath too seriously to ever kill a man in cold blood."
He's still holding me up by my cape like a hunk of dead meat. My body's so broken at this point, I can't move a muscle. I can't feel a thing below my waist, which I think is a major blessing.
"Well, guess what?" Suddenly, his fist lashes out an
d punches right through my chest. "There's an addendum to the oath. File it under super-hero trivia."
I can feel...I can feel...
My eyes roll up in their sockets. I can feel his hand clutching my heart.
"This addendum," he says as his fingers start to squeeze. "It renders the oath null and void in the event of a murdered spouse." His grip continues to tighten. "What does this mean in plain English?"
"P-please." There are so many things I want to say, so many things I need to tell him. A cascade, a multitude of things.
If only I could speak a full sentence.
"Translation," he says. "I am de-evilizing you."
Then his grip on my heart grows tighter still. His fist clenches, and I know my heart is about to burst, about to break for the very last time.
And I close my eyes and strain with all my might to see beyond the illusion once more. Perhaps, if I can shatter this implanted delusion, I can step through into the better world Loveblind sought to deny me, the world in which instead of dying I am...
*****
ANOTHER NIGHT IN ISOSCELES CITY...
Partycrasher pats my chest and smiles. "Ready to hit the street, chum?"
I pull the black cowl down over my face and nod. "So much crime, so little time."
"Say." He cocks his head and points an index finger at me. "That's a good one. I just might use that again."
"Be my guest." I laugh and unbuckle my seat belt. "So do you think we'll catch up with her tonight, Partycrasher?"
"Linda Loveblind?" He shrugs as he pops open his own seat belt. "Hard to say. All we can do is remain ever-vigilant for any sign of that mind-warping Mata Hari."
"I suppose you're right." Reaching into the glove compartment, I pull out the De-Evilizer gun. "But I'm taking this just in case."
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