by Marcy Lynn
“I must also thank you for helping Elanor as well. Richardson is no longer part of my company as you may have already guessed.”
“Yes, I assumed you’d take action.” The conversation seemed to drag for Elanor. Her impatient nature made her fidget with the material of the waist lining the dress. Derek’s blue eyes feeling like daggers finally looked her way to size up her apparel. She could feel the contempt he had so clearly on his face. Their usual wordless conversation through expression brought her to the point of wanting to snap at him that it wasn’t her idea.
Her Father must have realized she was on the brink of doing or saying something impulsive because his body language became stiff; clearing his throat continuing the polite conversation.
“I wonder if you would give me a moment of your time.” He gestured to indicate without others listening.
“Yes, Sir.” Derek gave his men a nod while her Father took care to touch her arm to tell her not to follow. A knot twisted tighter in her stomach as they walked away. While she didn’t think any conversation they would have would matter in him forgiving her; she did fear that it would push a further wedge between them. It didn’t help that his men, especially Caspin and Stepp, still hadn’t looked at her nor said anything before returning to the ship. She watched the pair walking down the dock into the busy crowd of the market until they were swallowed into it.
Should she stay where she stood? Go back to sit with her Grandmother on her Father’s ship until he returned?
Her nerves would never allow her to sit still. She turned to walk in the opposite direction, managing through a few dock hands working even with the bulk of the dress. This dock larger than the others gave her ample pacing space without leaving it. It connected in many places for small and large ships, which made for a long path without leaving sight. The sun still intense even with it’s rays changing position from high to lower towards the horizon. The same reoccurring thought spun in her over heated mind.
What, would she say to him?
Nothing poetic or intelligent came. The harder she thought about it the more frustrated she became. Was there anything that would make him truly understand why she’d done all the things she’d done? Could he forgive her even if he did? Leaving without saying a word. The cold hard way he had been acting just now. She just didn’t know.
Tilting her face slightly to the sky asking for solace, she took a miserable deep breath and continued towards the ship when a light sea breeze kicked up in intensity. Mast ropes around her tapped against wooden poles. A gentle rocking of the dock came with the shift of water beneath. She could taste salt and felt a mist of water spray across. Her eyes closed shut for but a moment accepting the message gratefully.
This is where she belonged. If it were easy, she wouldn’t have to fight for it. He didn’t give up for two years no matter how hard she imagined it must have been for him. She wouldn’t either. A light whisper feathered past her lips in thanks for the gift of insight and relief. Though she still felt apprehensive for the conversation she would have with him; it at least gave her strength to pull courage from within.
But as she neared her Father’s docked ship, he stood alone. She looked past him to see if Derek had just walked away or if he waited on the dock near his own ship.
“He will be coming to Inglid after he’s-” Her father started to say.
“No.” She didn’t stop when she reached the tall looming man that was her Father blocking the way. Upon tip toes she kissed his cheek, gave him a wane smile and edged best she could around him. “I won’t be returning with you Father. Thank you for coming. I’m sorry that it caused so much trouble. I will return with my husband when he’s settled his affairs here.” It was one thing to tell Derek no, an entirely different thing to say so to her Father. She half expected him to bark out at her as he usually did when she acted out of sorts. No baritone voice followed her though as she closed the distance to the other ship. The plank still rested against the dock and ship for passengers. She grasped both sides of the dress and passed up it like a fluffy cloud of material. Her eyebrows narrowed as she searched the decks for him, high and low, she didn’t see him. Caspin worked on the quarter deck hammering with a pallet hammer only stopping when he caught sight of her.
They exchanged looks, her chin stubbornly lifting when he didn’t say or do anything. If she must, Elanor fully planned on searching from one end of the ship to the other.
Caspin finally lifted a hand pointing to the cabin. She nodded, grasping her dress once more to enter there without knocking.
“I said no-” Derek started looking up from his desk, then standing. She could see a map on the surface of it which he must have been plotting a course.
“Yes, I am well aware.” She slammed the door. Instantly regretting that since the cabin held no air and instantly made her the dress feel much heavier. Though it did give Elanor an idea. She grabbed the stay and began yanking on the laces; when that loosen enough she ripped it over her head catching on the powered hair. It too got unclipped and tossed to the floor. It wasn’t how she thought it would go trying to talk to him but the fever of shedding the offending items grew with intensity.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m changing out of this dress.”
“Elanor, I don’t have time for games.” His calmness pricked a little fear inside her. Whenever he wasn’t shouting it usually meant he was beyond angry. She wouldn’t let it intimidate her; at least not outwardly.
“I will not wear this one moment longer.” The rest of the dress finally letting it’s grasp of her body go. Everything littered on the floor carelessly.
Sitting down in a chair opposite of his desk, she spoke. “Yes.”
Confusion barely cracked the stone expression. “What?”
“Yes, I did think of you every single day, when I left.” She answered his question from months ago, already her chest began to crush inward. “You were the first thought when I woke up and the last when I’d go to bed. I would cry myself to sleep at first, I missed you so much.”
“Then why…” He didn’t finish the sentence sitting back into his chair.
“My Mother died. My sister lost her baby and later her fiance. And Meagan-”
“There is that list again, Elanor.”
“I’m not finished.”
A knot choked the words and she’d always been afraid to say this out loud. Closing her eyes cast the fresh tears to slide down her white painted cheeks. “I knew I had to be punished for what I’d done. How could I be happy? Us getting married, having a baby? All the things Araminta had been dreaming about but lost that night. And my Mother? She wouldn’t even get to see any of it.” Terrible misery swept over her. For a moment she wasn’t sure she could speak it crushed her chest. The only way to finally get through this would be to just keep going. She took a painful breath. “So I went to the country side and tried to be there for them. I even tried to heal Araminta but…I couldn’t. I just kept to myself after that. The water elemental casters before me moved lakes, healed armies and I couldn’t even heal my sister. I didn’t use magic anymore. And for almost a full year I couldn’t confess what I’d really been doing that night. It was Constance who brought it up when everyone asked why I hadn’t seen you for so long. That she’d planned to cover for us and that Nain had preformed the hand-fasting in the garden.” Her lower lip trembled uncontrollably. The air sharp and pinching when she tried to breath. Derek’s face had turned less stone but she wasn’t really paying attention to his acceptance or rejection anymore.
She was letting it all go.
“They forgave me, Derek. Not one of them held any grudge against me for not being there. I couldn’t bare it. It was worse than if they had-I wasn’t there! I wasn’t there to even try to help them. Constance wasn’t there because of me! But they didn’t blame me and I knew they should. Healing would have given my Mother… and Ara, her baby….” Shoulders shook as soft sobs tore from her. “And I realized what I h
ad done, walking away from our lives together. I didn’t know what to do. I was completely and utterly lost.” Her hand reached up to swipe at the tears. “I just couldn’t forgive myself. I felt like I had betrayed my family. I had left you and I didn’t know anything about my casting abilities. I had nothing left.” She couldn’t sit anymore, standing to cross the short space to the water bowl. Splashing a little on her face she welcomed the cool healing of the water. He hadn’t said anything.
Best that he hadn’t so she could get through the entire thing.
“I needed to do something, anything.” She stood by the bed arms folded to her stomach and chest. “I guess I must have gotten adept enough at some of my magic because Teagan had a dreams about Istlind and vague pictures of Maegan for a year. Being her twin, they are connected much closer than the rest of us. Or were. But then one night, I had a dream.” Her lips pinched into a half smile remembering the conversation all too clear fully realizing what she’d done and why. It had stunned her that Teagan had been flat out against looking for Meagan at all; even if she were alive. The whole thing sparked the impulsive action that came next. Which she knew now, that had been her mother’s intent. “I wanted to go looking for her. I pushed the topic every chance I got. When Father came for his visit I begged him to let me take one of his ships and try to find her. No one believed that it could be done. Not even Father but he knew I would go with or without his help.” Derek grunted in agreement as she sank back into the chair sitting across from him. She stared into his eyes for a long time before speaking again. “My instinct told me that I had to go. That it was possible to find her. That I had to go quickly. It had been so important to go right then, right there.” She leaned forward in the seat to lay her arms on the desk top. “But I realize now that it wasn’t her I was looking for. It was for you.” A soft plummet of air escaped from her sore chest.
She’d said it aloud. The deep resounding guilt that had been building up since coming south; hit her like a tidal wave. Elanor did want to find Meagan but with all her heart she had wanted to go back to where she knew she’d belonged. With Derek, on the sea.
She just couldn’t admit that to anyone less the guilt overwhelmed her.
Deep breaths. “The naive notion I’d gotten in my head was that I could go to the North. Look around for a bit. Then go back home to Port- where I thought you were still. Only, that simple trip turned into a very…” Derek had leaned back in his chair, one arm resting against the arm of the chair while his hand propped his head. He smiled blandly when she didn’t finish.
“Troublesome?”
“Revealing. I don’t think anyone has ever gone through so many lessons in such a short time as I have.”
“Yes, but have you learned anything from them?” His patronizing tone snapped her out of the dazed cloud of thoughts. A slow rise of her brows signaled her inner strength finding its way back up to the surface.
“Yes for starters, I have learned quite clearly that life is not going to stop. Not even when trouble knocks us down. I also think I’ve come to understand much more about my part in the magic world.” She pulled back from resting against the desk; looking at him squarely. “The fifth generation casters used to be something people knew about and needed. Now, we’re just needed where ever we can help but no one needs to know about it. And,” Elanor made a face when he rolled his eyes at the word quietly. Bare feet touched the floor, turning to pass about the desk and then she sat in front of him on the edge of the desk.
She felt no guilt. No sadness. No heavy burden. With each confession the negative energy that had been weighing her down for years lifted from her shoulders.
“Just what have you learned?” Her arms crossed over her chest.
“That with age, stubbornness only grows.” Even on the edge of them having the deepest emotional conversation of their lives -- he joked. She didn’t feel the usual frustration, instead a powerful warmth of hope burned bright. Her hand lifted from her chest reaching out and touched the side of his face with the tips of her fingers. Tracing the line of his jaw, a thoughtful tilt of her head gave her an air of consideration of that. “I agree. You have become quite… iron clad.” Derek reached up and grasped her hand touching his face. A dismissive shrug came as he straighten up and pushed her hand back towards her.
“Perhaps.”
“The most important thing I learned, I trust you. Even after our time apart, I felt safer the moment we were together. You are a part of me, Derek. We’ve known since we were small children that we are forever. We didn’t need to hand-fast nor marry for that to be true.” Elanor stood up from the desk taking the one step to his chair and slid into his lap. He didn’t reject her sitting but didn’t make it easy to settle either.
“I didn’t give up on us. Not ever.” She said face to face. He looked to the ceiling in disagreement. Her hands cupped the sides of his face. “Derek, I didn’t give up on you. I gave up on me. I didn’t know how to deal with all the losses. I wasn’t hiding from the seeker world or you. I was just hiding. But no matter if there is an ocean between us or if we’re standing in the same room, we are connected. You are my soul, Derek. I love you with an intensity that I can’t even begin to understand. I can’t promise that I won’t lose my way again. But I do promise that I will never run away or hide, ever again.”
He leaned back his head to rest against the high backed chair. His face tilted towards the ceiling with his eyes closed. She wanted to press him, impatience and fear in her head warring over the situation made it hard to hold back the questions.
Deep breaths. Elanor didn’t push for him to tell her anything instead her worn body formed against his. She rested her head against the corded muscle of his chest. The steady drum of his heart beneath her ear like a lullaby to her. The rumble of his voice vibrated in a pleasant way. “You’re not coming with us to the plantation.” She felt the joy of what his words meant immediately. Elanor nearly bounce on his thigh pulling away from his chest just enough to see his face again.
“And we’re having at least eight children!” Clearly he’d expected her to argue, not change the subject. The confused expression on his face, comical. Her laughter became rich and joyful. She’d been the one to turn the conversation with a joke this time.
“Well I figured since demands were being made, I’d finish that old argument.”
“No, it is not finished. Six.”
Her mouth bowed into the brightest smile she’d ever felt on her face. Derek had forgiven her. At least enough to let them heal further, together. There was one thing though he’d have to say out loud. Something she hadn’t heard in too long. Granted it had been her own folly for that. But she wanted to hear the words.
“Say it.” Her voice barely made a whisper. Finally he did adjust to sit so that she could be on his lap comfortably. Derek relaxed fully into the back of the chair, easing her body to mold against his comfortably.
“I will always love you, Elanor. You are the one person in this world I want to spend my life with. Forever.” His deep voice had held such a passionate loving tone that it made her heart melt. They held each other tightly. She didn’t think words would ever compare to showing how much you cared for someone else. And he’d shown so much patience for months until now.
“The ship is moving.” Derek said, looking towards the window. “When we get to-”
“I’m going to be sleeping right there, on that bed.” His demanding nature had already come back. She’d beat him to thinking about what she’d be doing while they took care of their unfinished business. Too much had gone on in the past few days. She needed rest. Perhaps if she weren’t so exhausted she’d have argued with him. Elanor’s face twitched with amusement. She would have to learn a balance between being a dutiful lawful wife and his soul mate. Somehow, she suspected they’d always have differences of opinion. Lucky for her, he enjoyed the challenge. And she certainly did too.
Lifting from his lap, she made sure to gather the clothes she’d shed and fo
ld them neatly.
“When you go to Inglid, I’m coming along though.”
“Back to that already?”
“Well yes- and no.” She flashed him a smile. “I still want to help my family and stay connected to my sisters. But I understand it may take time and… we may never see Meagan physically until the two years is up. But I believe we will see her again. I just want to come because I know what type of dog I want to get for the water Sprites. A Cairn Terrier. They’re small and can you imagine the excitement of a small dog barking?” Elanor felt giddy.
“And they make the best rat dogs in the world!”