Both Warren and Chuck sat down.
“Serena,” I said through the connector, “Felicia is injured and needs your healing hands, please.”
“Is she okay?” asked a frantic Jasmine as she ran out into the gymnasium, keeping to the wall to avoid the continuing suction. Yes, it was less, but being directly in front of that vacuum would still give quite a pull to someone Jasmine’s size. “Where is she?”
“By the bleachers,” I answered. “I pulled her over there to get her away from the vacuum.”
Serena ran out a couple seconds later, bolting straight across without too much effort. She was bigger than Jasmine, though.
“Rachel,” I said in a direct-connection, “are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” she replied. “You?”
“Exhausted.”
“Yeah.”
Chapter 26
The last thing I wanted to do at this point was walk right into another one of Rot’s traps.
“Everyone, rest up as quickly as you can,” I said, realizing that made little sense. “You know what I mean.”
“No need,” Chuck announced, pulling forth a somewhat dented flask from his jacket. “I stopped by my condo and picked up one of Griff’s energy elixirs.”
Nice.
“Does he make a lot of those?” asked Warren.
“No, we buy them for when we’re, uh…” He looked up, blushing. “Let’s just say we buy them. Anyway, they really give you renewed energy, and this one happens to have some healing powers, too. It only takes a sip, so don’t overdo it.”
He offered it to me first, but I motioned him to give it to the rest of my crew. They all needed it more than I did, especially Felicia. If it got back to me empty, that was fine. I’d be in tiptop shape within a few minutes.
Speaking of Felicia, she was back to her human self and looked to be on the mend. Having Serena around for healing was fantastic. It took a bit out of her, though, so it was a good thing Chuck had fetched that elixir.
I moved over to Serena and tapped on the tracking device.
“Where’s our little bundle of joy now?”
She held up her finger and took a swig from the flask. The effect was instantaneous. Her posture improved, the coloring came back to her face, and her eyes watered slightly.
“Whoa,” she said, “that’s a spicy meatball!”
I frowned at her as she handed the flask over to Felicia.
“Anyway,” Serena said, flicking on the device, “looks like he’s straight through that door.”
She stood up, as did everyone else. I was the only one still seated. While they all had their energy back, I needed a couple of minutes.
Rachel handed me the flask. There was plenty left. I took a swig and felt an immediate rush of life. It was like drinking thirty shots of espresso one after the other, but without the jitters and likely heart attack.
“Okay,” I said, feeling a million times better, “I know you all want to go in there and whip that little creep’s ass, but I’m really not interested in seeing what else he has in store for us.” I shook the flask. “This is great, but it won’t last forever.”
“What do you suggest, then?” said Rachel.
“I’m not sure, to be honest,” I answered.
Flashes.
The word echoed in my head, causing me to stagger slightly.
“You okay, Chief?” Chuck asked as he helped stabilize me.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” I replied after a moment. “Just got one of Gabe’s fun words bouncing in my head.”
Jasmine looked at me. “Which one?”
“Flashes.” I studied the area. “Any idea what I could use to…” I paused and noticed that there was still a smattering of pixie dust on the floor. “Never mind.”
I walked over and started gathering the dust until it covered my palm.
Then the world went dark.
Chapter 27
“You know what to do?” came a whisper out of whomever it was I was inhabiting this time.
I tried to place it, but between it being a whisper and me being inside of the head that was speaking, it was tough. It’s like hearing a recording of your own voice for the first time. You can’t believe it’s you talking.
We were standing in a cave, but not the same one I’d seen when I was looking to destroy Rex the werewolf. This was in the mountains somewhere. I could sense a breeze.
“Of course I know, ball biter,” said the pixie in front of me. It wasn’t Rot. “Torment and kill. It’s not fucking brain surgery.”
“It also won’t be as easy as you expect,” said another voice, but I couldn’t see who that belonged to. “You will find these people are rather resourceful.”
“Ooooh,” the pixie mocked. “Look at me shaking.”
“Sorry to interrupt, Jibbs,” another pixie said, flying in. It was Rot. He looked a little younger. “There is an army approaching.”
So this pixie named Jibbs was in charge now and Rot was one of his commanders?
“Good,” said Jibbs. “I’m ready to kill.” He then flashed a set of warning eyes at whomever I was inhabiting and added, “Stay out of the way and learn what pixies can really do.”
He fled from the cave and out into the night.
My shell followed along with someone else. Again, I couldn’t see who it was, but I had the feeling they were irrelevant to my host. I couldn’t quite dig into the thoughts of the person I was in, but the general feeling was that everyone was expendable, as long as it fed the ultimate purpose, whatever the hell that was.
Jibbs started throwing out dust, which allowed him to create vampires and wolves, much like Rot had been doing to me and my crew. Rot was also casting these little spells, but his creatures were not as robust. They were more like jackals and vultures. Still annoying and deadly, but nothing compared to what I’d seen him create in the present.
“Attack,” commanded Jibbs.
The dust-beasts charged the oncoming army and mayhem ensued. Screams and shrieks could be heard reverberating through the valley.
Again, the emotions of my host were flat. Even though lives were being lost out there, there was nothing but the feeling of a cold-minded individual who just wanted to test the results of a hypothesis. There was no elation at the battle or dread or anything. It was just a feeling of factuality. “Is Jibbs sufficient for my purposes?” was what I felt was being asked.
The army lost a quarter of its soldiers before all of the creatures Jibbs had made turned back to dust.
“Fuck,” said the little pixie. “I must do more than this.”
Rot held up a hand. “May I suggest that we think outside the box?”
This caught my host’s attention. His interest was definitely piqued.
Jibbs didn’t feel the same.
“Of course not,” Jibbs admonished his inferior. “You are nothing but a weathered beast, Rot. I am in charge here.”
“But you’re going to lose this battle,” Rot retaliated. “My ideas will—”
“Stop your insolence before I kill you where you stand,” Jibbs hissed with nefarious intent.
“Fuck you, Jibbs,” Rot replied, crossing his arms. “You’re nothing but an overbearing cum bubble. I’ve had it with you and your half-assed attempts at being tough.”
“Is that right?” Jibbs scowled.
“Yep.”
“And what, pray tell, does your little vomit fondling ass intend to do about it?”
Rot puffed out his chest and yelled, “I demand a Joke-Off!”
Chapter 28
The world snapped back to the present and I fell over. My crew rushed over and helped me back to a seated position.
“What happened?” said Rachel. “You blinked and then fell over.”
“I saw what needs to be done,” I answered as Chuck handed me the flask of energy. It woke me up again. “I have to Joke-Off.”
Everyone stood up straight and stared at me with shock in their eyes.
&nb
sp; “Here?” said everyone in unison.
“Yeah, dude,” agreed The Admiral, “even I think that’s a little weird. I mean, I’m up for it if you are, but could we at least ask Chuck, Warren, and Turbo to step out while we start stroking?”
“I said JOKE-OFF,” I clarified.
“Ohhhh,” the group replied, but only Turbo looked to understand what that meant.
“I haven’t seen one of those in years, Chief,” said our little pixie. “They’re pretty tough. Actually, I can’t see how you could win. Pixies grow up training for these in the event they should ever happen.”
“Oh.”
“What is it, exactly?” asked Felicia.
Turbo landed on Warren’s shoulder and started to explain.
“Traditionally, it’s when two pixies are at odds about something grave. It’s the equivalent of a human duel. The difference is that pixies use words instead of swords or pistols.”
Words.
I stumbled again.
“Damn it,” I groaned, grabbing my head. “It’s one thing that Gabe gives me these fucking power word things, but do they have to screw me up every time they make themselves known?”
Rachel frowned at me. “Huh?”
“Nothing. Look, the last one Gabe hooked me up with was Words. I don’t know what it’s supposed to do, but I’m guessing it’s because of this shit I’m facing.”
“Wait,” said Rachel. “How would Gabe know you’d be facing a pixie?”
“I know, right?” I answered with a shake of my head. “Fact is that he knows a lot more than he’s been telling me. So do the damn Directors. But I can’t get anything out of anybody that’s much help.” I then sighed. “I suppose Gabe is at least giving me something to work with to combat these fucking ubers.”
“True,” agreed Rachel, “but it’d be nice to know why.”
“Tell me about it,” I grunted. “Anyway, I’m guessing that this Words skill, or whatever you call it, that Gabe gave me is going to allow me to challenge Rot to a Joke-Off.”
Turbo flew over and hovered in front of my face. He looked more serious than I’d ever seen him before.
“Chief,” he said carefully, “this is next-level stuff with pixies. There’s no backing out of it from either side.”
“There’s no backing out of anything when you’re a PPD officer, Turbo,” I pointed out. “It’s the nature of the job.”
He gripped his hat tighter.
“The point is that the rest of the officers can’t join you in this.”
“What?” I asked him.
“Fuck that,” snorted Rachel. “If he gets in trouble—”
“Then he’ll lose, Rachel,” Turbo said.
“Well, what the hell does that mean?”
Turbo swallowed hard while looking at her.
“It’ll mean whatever Rot wants it to mean.” He then put his eyes back on me. “Chief, he may decide to kill you or have you join his side. It could be anything, and you can’t go against the outcome either. Joke-Offs run deep in the pixie community.” He looked down. “This is serious stuff, Chief.”
Great.
So here I was about to go into a room to face a little pixie in a battle of words and possibly never come out, or worse, end up as his second-in-command and be forced to kill my own crew.
That shook me to the core.
“I won’t serve under the pixie,” I stated flatly. “I have no problem dying.... Okay, so I have quite a big problem with dying, but I’ll do that before I serve alongside that dude.”
“You don’t understand,” Turbo stammered. “This is heavy magic. You’ll be transfixed and will have no way out of it.”
“Oh,” I said after a few moments. “Well, that sucks.”
Turbo pulled out his little data pad and started typing away, saying “hmmm” and “huh” more than once. Obviously he was doing some type of research. Maybe there was a PixieNet or something I didn’t know about?
“Okay,” he said with some effort. “I guess it’s been a lot longer since I’ve seen a Joke-Off than I’d thought.” He let out a slow breath. “Looks like you can’t go in there alone, Chief. You need a pixie with you to set the terms and to act as the judge and referee.” He scrolled up a few times. “Well, Rot could have a pixie, too, but since you’re the challenger, you can use your own if you’d prefer. Personally, I’d be fine if you elected to go with his guy instead of me, but—”
“I’d rather have you in there, Turbo,” I said, interrupting him. “Now, if there’s anything else in the rulebook that you want me to know, now would be the time.”
He fanned through the online document, scanning through it faster than I could likely read a single sentence of it. I wasn’t what you’d call “book smart.”
“Nothing I can see, Chief,” he said. “There are basic rules that we have to follow, but those will be laid out once you throw down the gauntlet.”
“Assuming he doesn’t have more monsters in there to stop me,” I mumbled.
“No, he can’t,” said Turbo.
“What?”
“Once you challenge him, he has to shut everything else down and face you one on one.”
I furrowed my brow. “You’re shitting me.”
“Nope.”
That’s when a thought struck. “What about Words?” I asked. “It’s kind of me, but not really. Will that be considered cheating?”
“Can this Words thing exist without you?”
I glanced around when Words said, “No.” I looked up at Turbo. “Nope.”
“Then you’re all set.”
“Super.”
Chapter 29
The rest of the squad stayed behind. Turbo made me disconnect the connector and everything, noting that if I was deemed to be cheating in any way, shape, or form, I’d be immediately considered the loser of the event.
I couldn’t have that.
Turbo was on my shoulder as I pushed open the door where Rot was supposedly waiting for my crew.
It was a dark room that was considerably smaller than the gymnasium, at least the part I could see. There were stacks of boxes on the right side that went up to the ceiling, though, so it wasn’t until I stepped past the last row that I heard the sound of a low growl.
I turned to my right and saw two very large, very orange, glowing eyes. Under them was a long snout with massive fangs. It was attached to a head that had a long neck. That, in turn, connected to a body that came equipped with wings.
It was a drake.
Sometimes I wished I couldn’t see so well in the dark.
“Yikes,” I whispered.
The drake began rising up. It wasn’t the size of a full dragon or anything, but it was enough to be pretty damn powerful. I wasn’t really looking forward to fighting it.
“Challenge him,” Turbo said.
“Him?” I answered, pointing at the drake. “I’d really rather not.”
“No, Chief. I’m talking about Rot.”
Words.
I nearly fell over with that one.
“Goddamn it,” I yelled mostly at myself. “Quit fucking doing that!”
“Doing what, Chief?”
“Not you,” I said back before bellowing, “I demand a Jack Off!”
The drake froze and blinked at me, saying, “Huh?”
“It’s Joke-Off, Chief, remember?”
“Right.” I tried again. “I demand a Joke-Off!”
“Crap,” said the drake as it slouched. “Just when I was about to have some fun.” He glared at me. “You know, it’s not like drakes get to do much killing these days. I know I’m only made from dust, but it’s the principle of the thing.”
“Uhhh…sorry?” I said.
It plodded away as the lights came on.
Standing across from me and Turbo was Rot. He was seated on a little blue throne with a gang of pixies all fluttering around him.
We had obviously found the base of his lair.
“So you want to challenge me?�
� he said, laughing. “You’re just a pathetic knob gobbler. How could you possibly expect to win against the likes of me?”
Wor—
“I know, I know,” I fumed at myself.
“So you admit it?” Rot asked, eyebrow raised.
“I was talking to myself,” I explained.
He squinted.
Then I thought the word Words purposefully and heard a ding.
“So, what exactly—” started Rot.
“Stuff it, you tiny rhino tit,” I spewed, “or I’ll grab your puny ass, shove a firecracker up it, and stick you on a birthday cake.”
He nodded slowly while grinning devilishly. “Nice.”
“Thanks,” I replied, surprised at myself. “So, are you going to accept my challenge or are you too much of a pussy?”
“Oh, I fully accept your challenge, skin flute.” He flew down in front of me and glanced at Turbo. “I’m assuming that gonad is going to be the ref?”
“That’s right,” Turbo spoke up.
He flew in between us as the rest of the pixies all spread out until they formed a circle around me, Turbo, and Rot. They then started chanting for about a minute, building a dome of green light that encased us.
“Okay,” Turbo said, clearing his throat. “Here’s the deal. Rot, since you were challenged, you get to choose the type of jokes in the Joke-Off.”
Rot looked me over, clearly studying me to see if he could spot my style of humor. I wasn’t much of a joke-teller, so it really didn’t matter which way he went with it.
“Sex jokes,” he announced, snapping his fingers. “I remember that his record says he’s a real horndog, so I’m guessing he knows at least one or two of them.”
Not really. Hopefully this Words thing could help me out or I was fucked.
“Wait,” I said as the realization of his selection struck me. “If you know I’m a horndog, why would you choose sex jokes?”
“He has to, Chief,” explained Turbo. “To do otherwise would show weakness.”
“Ah.” That seemed dumb, but I’d take whatever advantages I could get. “Okay, so now what?”
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