by Stuart, Amie
"She's not my mother."
***
When I got back to the cabin, I had an email waiting for me from Zack.
Dear Jessa,
When shit hits the fan, it really flies, huh? I understand your anger. I don't blame you one bit, and again, I'm not upset with you for leaving. If I'd found out what you did and then got hit with Delaney, I'd probably have taken off too. I want you to know that. I wish I had a simple solution for you but all I have is this: Sometimes we have to make the best decision we can—and then we have to live with them. Like the decision I made about Travis, like the decision my parents made about Delaney, and even like the decision your cousin, Kane, made to not be completely honest with you.
I get that you're torn over being forced into retirement, and for what it's worth, I'm not sure I could have watched you ride. It probably would have scared the crap out of me :) . As for the rest, I know you'll figure it out. I have faith in you. So does Aunt Susie.
We miss you. See you soon.
Love Zack
After I was done, I went out to join Kane on the front porch.
"Lil' Bit, that was quite a performance at the supper table. It even topped your game of tag."
Kane left his chair and took a seat beside me on the porch steps and handed me a glass half full of scotch.
"Amazing how I just suddenly don't give a shit anymore." With a hmmpf, I sipped my scotch, letting it slide down my throat. "I'm tired, John," I said, using his given name for once. "Tired of all of this."
The sun was gone and I was thankful for the thick jacket I'd confiscated from my room while Marlene washed dishes. I'd also grabbed an extra pair of boots and a couple pairs of old jeans. It was sad, but there wasn't much else in there for me to take. I wondered what Marlene had done with all my old trophies and ribbons.
"Then why did you come? Why are you here? You said you weren't coming." Squeezing my shoulder, he added, "You look good, by the way. What's his name?"
"His who," I murmured in my glass.
"His whoever it is that put that swing in your hips."
"My hips don't swing." I punched him in the arm hard enough to get a grunt from him for my efforts.
"They do now," he said with a laugh.
"You know why I'm here; I came to talk to you…and Dad," I said softly. Then I told Kane all about Zack. Everything. Including that I'd slept with him. "You know what I was thinking about during dinner?"
"Louisiana."
"Yeah, and all those Thanksgivings and Christmases that I missed." It wasn't a dig. Just the truth of the matter. I loved him. He was my oldest and dearest friend. Eventually I'd get over it all, but some things just needed to be said.
He stepped inside the cabin and returned with the bottle, pouring more in both our glasses and sitting beside me. I looked into the pale green eyes of my best, oldest and dearest friend and thought about it as tears slipped down my cheeks. About the family that apparently wasn't mine to have and the circumstances I'd never be able to change. About myself and my career. Deep down inside, I could finally admit I was glad to retire, as much as it hurt me to disappoint my father. I now knew I couldn't make him love me by rodeoing. I couldn't make him love me at all. I had no career, no job, other than my singing gig at the dancehall, and even that was up in the air. I was adrift, but in some ways, I felt more peaceful than I had in years.
In some ways, I suppose John Kane was also a part of my history. A huge part. A bigger part than I'd ever imagined.
"I've got something for you." He fished a tiny pouch out of his pocket and handed it to me. I dried my face and then opened it up. Inside was a plain gold chain, nothing fancy, with a plain cross on it. "Was it hers?"
"Granny Jo's? Yeah."
"You know this doesn't make up for anything." But I handed it back to him, turned and lifted my hair so he could put it on me. He did, his fingers sending a shiver down my spine.
"I wish I'd known. I just wish I'd known," I said, trying to visualize the life I might have had if Dad had sent me to live with my grandparents. I set my glass down, and hugging my coat around me, stood. "I need to be alone."
"I understand."
It was late and full dark, so I didn't wander far thanks to the possibility of predators. Occasionally I'd hear a car drive by on the county road, but for the most part, it was peaceful—the exact opposite of how I felt on the inside. A light breeze carrying God's perfume—grass, earth, and animals—ruffled my hair. I stood at the holding pen near the house for the longest time, my eyes closed, letting the night sounds and animal sounds clear the fog in my head.
Up at the house, a light came on. The last thing I wanted right then was company.
By the time I got back from my walk, Kane was stretched out on the couch snoring his head off.
***
I slept in the following day, then spent the rest of the morning trying to avoid both Colby and Marlene. My luck ran out though and the walk from the cabin to the house was shorter than I would have liked. Two of Daddy's hands, plus Colby, Jace, Kane and Cutter, worked on the tent for the reception while some women from town sat up on the porch with Marlene putting together silk flower arrangements. Every now and then Marlene would look up and yell some comment or another about it being crooked or off center.
"Morning, Sunshine." Jace stopped long enough to give me a quick, sweaty hug.
"Do they have some sort of backup plan in case the weather turns?" I asked, motioning to the muddy ground.
"Not my problem," Jace said with a snicker.
I shook my head and tugged my quilted flannel shirt around me, wishing I'd grabbed my coat. The warm early-May sun didn't do much good against a chilly spring breeze.
"Nice of you to finally join us." Colby turned, hands propped on his hips.
Between my slight hangover, fatigue and my sore knee from all the driving and my ride yesterday afternoon, I was not in the mood, and it took everything I had to keep from grabbing the hammer out of his hands and wiping the perpetual smirk off his face. No way would I give Little Mama's Boy the satisfaction of scrapping with him, especially in front of his mother.
Instead, I gave him my most angelic smile. "You need someone to supervise?"
Kane snickered. "I haven't seen your dad all morning, sugar."
"Sugar? Since when is she your sugar?" Colby sneered.
I glanced at Kane and shrugged, my jaw aching from the forced smile. I shook my head 'no' just the tiniest bit at him and he nodded. He'd stand down unless it got out of hand. Even after all our talking and fussing, he still had my back. He, at least, was still family.
"You too good to give us a hand or what?"
He just wasn't gonna let up.
"She can't with her shoulder," Jace said.
"Oh yeah," he said with a harsh laugh. "How's it feel to know you'll never win the All-Around? What's it like to be a washout at twenty-five?"
Kane looked grim, his lips pressed in a thin, tight line. And I knew his eyes, shaded by his ball cap, were narrowed into slits.
Colby threw down his hammer and stepped closer. Something had put him in a bad mood and he was obviously spoiling for a fight, but I wasn't giving him the satisfaction. Not the kind of fight he wanted, anyway.
"I'm twenty-six," I finally said.
The clucking on the porch stopped. Jace looked like he'd swallowed a chicken. The two hands looked ready to run— as long as they'd been with Daddy, the poor guys knew about my temper and my feud with Colby.
Colby's smirk turned into a frown of confusion and, behind him, Kane's lips twitched. "Huh?"
"You asked me what it was like to be a washout at twenty-five. I'm twenty-six." With a slow shake of my head, I stepped closer, not even trying to hold back the bubble of near-hysterical laughter. I raked my fingers through my hair, pushing it back off my face, feeling lighter than I had in a long time. Freer. "And the last time I checked, I had five gold buckles to my name. Buckles bigger than your sorry, pimply ass that say I'm a five
-time World Saddle Bronc Champ."
His frown became a scowl as everyone behind him laughed. And from the porch steps I heard more laughter—from the women, and one deep baritone that echoed across the yard. Daddy.
I tilted my head to the side and in my sweetest voice, I asked, "How many do you have again?"
He shoved me and I went down ass over tea kettle, doing my best to stay off my left shoulder.
"That's enough, Colby Aloysius Stratton," Daddy hollered, stepping down into the yard.
Kane helped me up and I dusted myself off. I wasn't fighting. I couldn't afford to scrap with Colby, not after all the time I'd spent in physical therapy. By the time I got my bearings, Colby and Jace were rolling around on the ground. Dad was hollering for them to stop. And there was a car coming up the drive.
Knowing my luck it was the minister come for some last-minute something or other about the wedding. Great!
I sighed, catching Cutter's eye and motioning for him to step in.
"I'm not getting married with a black eye!"
"Colby's cast!"
If he hit Jace with that cast, he could do all kinds of damage—to the both of them. By the time it was all over it had taken two of the hands, Cutter and Kane to pull the both of them apart. They'd ignored Daddy and Marlene, who kept yelling for them to stop. And now the two hands held Colby while Kane and Cutter kept Jace in check. From behind me came the sound of a car door slamming followed by footsteps in the gravel.
"Well, Jessa, seems like you set a new record," Marlene said. "It took you a whole twenty-four hours to cause a commotion."
All I could do was shrug. "Yes, ma'am, sure looks that way."
"This wasn't Jessa's fault," Jace panted as he dusted off his jeans.
"Don't make excuses for her. It's always Jessa's fault." Marlene now stood beside Daddy, her arms folded across her chest.
"Help you, son?" Daddy asked.
The hair at the nape of my neck tingled. Literally tingled. I swallowed hard and caught Kane's eye. He just grinned back at me. My jaw clenched and my lips formed a tight smile as I turned around to find Zack standing a few feet behind me.
"Look at you, causing trouble," he said softly.
I'll admit, the smile on his face turned me to mush. I threw back my head and laughed, hard and long while Daddy kept asking who he was and how I knew him.
"Always," I gasped, then laughed some more. Finally, I calmed down enough to close the distance between us and throw my arms around his neck. His hands were around me in an instant, pulling me against the solid length of him, and then his lips were on mine and it didn't matter that my entire family was watching us because I'd missed him and I'd missed this. "I guess I just can't help myself."
"Neither can I," he said just before he kissed me again.
"Jessalyn!" That was Marlene.
"Leave her be." That was Kane.
"They don't know about Kane," I whispered when he finally let me up for air. Zack nodded in understanding. "Now, what are you doing here?"
"I said I'd see you soon."
"Yeah but, your family, Travis…"
"They're fine. They don't need me and I missed you." He tucked my hair behind my ear, glanced down and then back up at me. "I was afraid you wouldn't come back."
"I was afraid you didn't want me to come back after all the trouble I caused."
"I always wanted you." His lips twitched. "I'm just not sure I can handle you."
My cheeks grew warm as a soft whistle to my right caught my attention. I turned to find Jace standing with his arms crossed over his chest, one eyebrow cocked. "This is Zack."
"I see that."
"Be nice," I said as he stepped closer and stuck out his hand.
"I'm always nice" His expression said otherwise.
"Keep an eye on him. I have some business to take care of."
With a deep breath I whirled around to face Colby, who stood with blood dripping from his nose, and Dad, who stood a lot closer to Zack and me than I'd expected. "I may never win the All-Around, you little shit, but I've set world records you'll never beat. No matter what you do, no matter what you accomplish, you'll never top me because I'm a woman. And for five years I dominated a male-dominated sport. You can't top that. You'll never be better than me, Colby, and it eats at your gut. Daddy." I turned so I stood directly in front of him, my hands on my hips.
"What is it, Jessa," he sighed, looking more than a little shell-shocked at my outburst and Zack's presence. I'd never, in thirteen years, brought a man around. Except Kane, but that was different.
"I need to see you in the barn. Now." What I had to say was between us and no one else. I stalked past him and across the yard, whirling on him as soon as we were alone and the door slammed behind us. "Did you hear what I said to Colby?"
"Every word." A smile I didn't understand teased his lips.
"Good. You do realize that applies to you, too?"
He frowned and opened his mouth to speak but I beat him to the punch. "I don't appreciate the way you treated me after my accident."
"I know. But Marlene—" If anything, Daddy looked even paler, as if even he knew how pitiful he sounded. "There were blizzards coming."
"Blizzards? I. Nearly. Died! I nearly died and you abandoned me. Why? You owe me that much."
He just shook his head and turned away.
"You might think I'm not shit cause I can't ride anymore, but I am something—" I circled around to stand in front of him, my temper growing. He wasn't getting off that easily. "Look at me. Look at me, Dad." I waited until he raised his eyes before continuing. "Just in case you didn't hear me earlier, my name is Jessalyn Hope Stratton and I'm a five-time PRA World Saddle Bronc Champion. I'm the only female roughstock world champion in PRA history, and you might not be proud of me, but I am. I am proud of me," I shouted at the top of my lungs, causing a few horses to stomp their feet. "Despite the fact that I rodeoed for you, not myself. I gave you thirteen years of my life. I'm done. And I'm glad. I'm glad it's over. You got thirteen, Daddy, but the rest are mine. All mine."
He opened his mouth a couple times like a fish gasping for air, and then finally said, "I am, too." His words stopped me cold. "I never meant…I never meant for you to ride roughstock. Certainly not for so long. I never meant for you to take it as far as you did. I figured you'd quit after high school and settle down with some local boy. Maybe help me run the ranch."
"You never meant—" I slowly shook my head and sighed, my sadness and anger just as strong as before. "You never said. You never even said you were proud of me." I held up a hand at his open mouth, refusing to let him speak yet. "And if you think that Marlene would let me help run the ranch, Dad, you're delusional. You know, you should have sent me to Mom's family. You really should have, and I'll never understand why you didn't."
"Because I loved her so much."
My mother. It didn't take a genius to figure out that was talking about my mother. I'd asked him once if he'd loved her like he loved Marlene, but he'd said no, he'd loved her differently. "You weren't the only one who loved her. Her family loved her, too. You, Daddy, you were selfish. And now, it's my turn to be selfish."
"That man?"
I nodded. "He's the reason I'm going to Texas."
He smiled a little, but it was a sad smile. "I always thought it was Kane."
"Nope, Daddy. It was never Kane."
I walked out of the barn, ready to go home.
Epilogue
Zack and I wandered around the large, airy hall accepting congratulations from everyone. I wore a white dress, though it was nothing like the one he'd mentioned sketching me in in one of those early emails, and he wore a suit and tie. As did Travis.
"You nervous?" he whispered, his hand at the base of my spine.
I nodded and shook another hand, then blew out a heavy breath at the sight of my father coming toward me. "Yes."
"I am so proud of you, honey." Daddy leaned in for a hug, but it was brief. Of course I knew h
e was proud of me, but our relationship would never be like what I had with Jerrod and Maggie, and I'd made peace with that. If I'd learned anything over the last six months, I'd learned to let go and just accept what was.
My family was here—and by family I meant not just my dad and step-mom and siblings, but my aunts from Louisiana and Kane and a whole slew of cousins I'd never even met, and of course, Zack's family. My new girl cousins had been coming up to me, squealing and hugging my neck all afternoon. Zack just watched and laughed and shook his head.
It was all very surreal as a smiling attendant tapped me on the arm.
"It's time, Ms. Stratton."
I followed her to the front of the room, Zack's hand clutched in my sweaty one, as we weaved through clusters of people. I only reluctantly let it go when I reached the stairs. I turned back to look at him one last time.
"I love you," he mouthed.
"I love you, too," I said and climbed the short set of stairs as the woman at the podium began to speak.
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Cowgirl Hall of Fame. We're so honored you could be with us tonight as we welcome our newest member."
Postscript
Confession time: THE COWGIRL RIDES AWAY is the first full manuscript I ever wrote. I started it twelve years ago—when my critique partner, Melissa Blue, had just graduated high school (We didn't know each other then LOL).
I never could get it published so I set it aside and wrote other things that did get published. Over the years I've tried to rewrite it a number of times so clicking 'publish' so many years later means more than you know. It's finally done and I feel good about how it ended. These last few chapters are dedicated to Melissa but also, my Wattpad readers. Without their support, encouragement and demands for more, this one might not have ever gotten finished.
Stories have themes. Sometimes it's accidental, sometimes we plan these things. In ONCE IN A BLUE MOON (May 2015), it was about loving conquering all.