I look up at her wide eyed, stunned and seriously trying not to cry. “I don’t know how to thank you. I promise you I won’t be any trouble.”
She simply smiles and nods at me.
By the time I leave the building, I have a lease, a set of keys, and permission to move in right away. I grab my belongings, and check out of the hotel. By nightfall Lily and I are all moved into our new apartment.
It’s been almost a month since Lily and I ran away from the hospital in Florida. I remember how scared I was when I took my baby and hopped on that first bus. I remember thinking that I would never be able to take care of her on my own. I have to admit that being a mom and taking care of an infant is hard work. There are times when I feel lost and alone, there are days when I’m exhausted and wish I could take just a few hours away for myself but that isn’t possible right now and being able to raise Lily makes it worth it. I’m merely a few days away from my eighteenth birthday and I’m certain that our life will be so much easier when that happens. For starters, I can stop lying about my name, about my story. I’ll be able to get a job and find childcare and use my real name. No one will be able to come and take Lily away from me once that happens. In the meantime, I came across a free clinic where I was able to take Lily to get her first vaccinations. Sticking to a budget hasn’t been too difficult. The apartment’s utilities are included in the rent, I have basic cable which consists of about twenty channels, and that’s enough for me for now. Since I’m still breastfeeding and I’ve never been a heavy eater, I’ve only had to go to the grocery store a couple of times.
The day after I moved in, Janet’s husband dropped off an infant swing, highchair, play yard and a simple stroller for Lily. I honestly couldn’t believe it but he explained that the items had been sitting unused and collecting dust in the basement. He actually thanked me for taking it off of their hands. I’m almost positive that he was just trying to make me feel better about having to take the handout but I’m grateful nonetheless. These are the things that I didn’t think about when I left, taking Lily and virtually disappearing into thin air and even though I still have the majority of my money I know that it won’t last forever. I need to find my way and take care of Lily at the same time.
At this time last year life was so different, the biggest decision I had to make was choosing which universities to apply to. My dream had always been to go to NYU and live in the city, finally free to live and experience everything that life had to offer. I never imagined that I’d end up pregnant and alone, without my family or any of my friends to lean on for support. I try not to get sad when I think about the dreams and the goals that I had set for myself, I try to look on the bright side but life has dealt me an unfair hand and I can’t help but to feel sorry for myself at times.
Lily’s screeching cry pulls me out of my head, I get up off of the couch that I’ve been lounging on for most of the afternoon and pad over to the play yard. I scoop her up into my arms and gently rock her back and forth. I fed her less than an hour ago and her diaper is dry. I continue rocking her for awhile with no luck. Her cries get progressively worse and before long I’m genuinely worried that there’s something wrong with her. I try feeding her again but she’s having none of it. I reach for my phone, thinking for a split second that I can call my mom and ask her what to do. If anyone would know what I should do it would be her, but then I realize that I can’t do that. She didn’t want anything to do with my child and because of it forced me to take matters into my own hands. The truth of my life is that there’s no one that I can call for advice at a time like this, and normally that would make me sad, but right now all I can focus on is Lily. I quickly call a cab, pack up her diaper bag, and bundle her up. When the driver arrives, I instruct him to take us to the nearest hospital.
I check us in at the emergency room, telling the girl at the front desk that I was so nervous I’d forgotten my identification. I know enough about the law to know that a hospital can’t refuse emergency treatment so I feel confident with my excuse.
We’re sitting in the waiting room for what seems like an eternity. Lily is still crying and my nerves are now frayed. I’m barely holding it together.
The emergency room doors open and a couple of paramedics are wheeling in a young man on a stretcher. He looks as if he’s been beaten badly. They take him to the back immediately, which only serves to further frustrate me about my long wait. I walk over to the front desk again and question the receptionist.
“Can you please tell me how much longer it’s going to be before we’re seen? We’ve been here for over an hour.”
“There’s a few patients in front of you. You’ll just have to wait,” she answers me shortly.
I go to speak, but before I can she plasters a fake smile on her face and bats her eyelashes. “Oh, hi Officer Tate,” she says. “How are you?”
I turn my head to where her comment is directed and I’m pretty sure my heart stops momentarily and I’m not sure if it’s caused by fear or a totally different emotion. A police officer is walking in our direction and these days I try to avoid them at all costs but one look at this particular cop and my feet are rooted firmly to their spot. I can vaguely hear Lily crying as I take in the sight of him. I know that men of any kind are the last thing I should be thinking about, but his piercing blue eyes draw me in. He looks to be around six feet tall with a tan complexion and hair that’s cut low in a military style buzz cut. His full lips are all kinds of sexy and when he looks me dead in the eye it takes every ounce of strength I have to look away.
“Hi, Jennifer. Assault victim brought in a few minutes ago?”
I didn’t think it was possible for her smile to get any faker but it does. “Of course,” she says, leaning over giving him the maximum view of her boobs and touching his arm in a blatantly obvious attempt to get near him. “They took him back already. He’s in bed number ten.”
“Thanks.” He turns away from her and suddenly he’s in my space. “Is she alright?” He questions, motioning to Lily.
His acknowledgement of me makes me both nervous and excited. Yes he’s beautiful, sexy and he seems kind but he’s still a cop and technically I’m still a runaway. As much as I’d love to have a conversation with Officer Tate, it’s in mine and Lily’s best interest if I extrapolate myself from this situation as quickly as possible. “She won’t stop crying and I’m worried, but we’ve been here for a while and still haven’t been seen.”
He gives me a slow nod and turns back to fake Jennifer. “Isn’t there anything you can do to get her seen? Poor thing looks miserable and I’m sure the rest of the people in the waiting room would appreciate a reprieve from a crying baby.” He looks back at me. “No offense,” he says with a slight grin.
“None taken.” I return.
We both turn to face fake Jennifer again. She looks like she’s just swallowed a sour pill but quickly plasters on her smile that she clearly reserves only for Officer Tate’s benefit. “Well, since you asked so nicely I’m sure I can make an exception for this cute little one.” She walks over to the bin of patient files, moves mine to the front and then gives him a wink.
He gives her an equally fake smile and in that moment I can tell that he sees right through her syrupy sweet routine. “I really appreciate it.” He pats Lily on the back and then looks back up at me. “I’ll check in on you a little later okay?” he asks, and quickly walks away. (Although it sounded more like a statement of fact than anything else.) He wants to check back in on me and Lily? But why? Why would he care whether Lily gets seen by a doctor or not? If she’s alright or not? He doesn’t know us, has no emotional ties to us, and he doesn’t even know our names so why should he care about our well being?
The sound of the privacy curtain being opened startles me. I turn to see Officer Tate standing there. He stares at me for a moment and gives me a timid smile.
“Hey, how’s she doing?” He questions quietly.
I look down at Lily, sleeping in the hospital bed a
nd I smile. “She’s okay. We’re just waiting on the discharge paperwork. The doctor says it was probably just gas.” I respond. I look up and our gazes meet.
“Well that’s good,” he says with a nod.
“Yeah,” I say with a light chuckle, shrugging my shoulders. “I guess I should have known that huh?”
He shrugs his shoulders too. “I don’t know. You’re a new mom, so I think it’s understandable.”
“I guess,” I say, turning away from him.
“Hey,” he calls out. There’s a strength to his voice, a resolve that I can’t help but respond to.
I turn, giving him my full attention again. “You did the right thing. She wasn’t acting like her normal self and you made sure you got her checked out. That doesn’t make you stupid or naïve it makes you a good mom.”
“You don’t have to say that. You don’t even know me.”
“In my line of work I see a lot of things. I know the difference between good and bad, and I promise you, just from what I’ve seen tonight I know that you’re doing a good job.”
I sigh, taking his words in, letting them wash over me and sink in. He’s right, I may be young and unsure but I’m doing my best and I am a good mom. “Thank you. I appreciate you saying that.”
“You’re welcome.” He walks further into the room and stands at the foot of the bed, looking down at Lily. He opens his mouth to speak but then hesitates, maybe thinking better of saying or asking whatever it is that he wants to say and then just like that he blurts it out. “Where’s her dad?” he asks, his eyes never leaving Lily.
I’m silent for some time because really I don’t want to talk about this, not with him, not with anyone. Talking about it won’t change the facts, won’t rewrite history. “He’s not around, it’s just me.”
“I see,” he says with a nod.
“But we’re fine. We’re doing fine on our own,” I reply quickly, making myself sound a little bit too defensive.
He crosses his arms across his chest, a move I’m sure he uses to intimidate people. It makes him look like a no nonsense badass cop and it honestly terrifies the shit out of me. “What’s your name?”
“Kelly.”
He tilts his head to side and his eyes pierce through me. “How old are you, Kelly?”
“I’m eighteen. I recently turned eighteen alright, but like I just told you a second ago, we’re fine.”
“Are you working?”
“No.” I mentally kick myself for being honest. What the hell is wrong with me? I need to be more careful about what information I divulge, especially to him.
“What are you doing for money?”
“I’m using my savings right now. I’m looking for a job but without a babysitter, it’s kind of hard.” My heart is racing again and I hold onto the railing on the bed because I think I might just faint if I’m not careful. I knew it was a bad idea for me to tell this man anything. A man who’s a cop nonetheless. “Look, please don’t call child protective services.” I’m practically begging him now. “I know I’m young, okay? I get it. And ideally I’d like to have an amazing family by my side, helping me take care of her, but that’s not how it worked out for me. My family didn’t want anything to do with us so I had to grow up and do the best I can. You said it yourself, I’m a good mom. I’ll be fine, I’ll make sure that she’s fine, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you or anybody else take Lily away from me.”
He looks at me for a minute, probably processing my outburst but he says nothing. He looks unsure of himself which is very different from the confident demeanor he displayed earlier in the evening. He pulls out a notepad and begins to write something down. When he’s done he rips the paper out of the pad and hands it to me. “I have a friend who owns a daycare. She may be able to help you, maybe give you a job. I can’t make you any promises but this is her number. Tell her I told you to call.”
“Oh. Thank you. I…I’m sorry, I just thought…”
“I understand but you have to relax, alright? No one can take Lily away from you if she’s not abused or neglected and clearly she’s none of those things.” He reaches behind him and pulls a card out of his back pocket and hands it to me. Our fingers graze and my body grows warm at his touch. “This is my card. You call me day or night if you need anything Kelly, alright?”
I nod my response, unable to say another word to him. He gives me a slight smile, and as quickly as he appeared he leaves. Yet, he leaves behind just a little bit of hope that maybe I can make a life for myself and Lily here.
I called the number that Officer Tate gave me the morning after our emergency room visit. Sarah, the owner of the day care center scheduled me to come in for a tour this morning. He must have let her know that I’d be calling because she didn’t seem surprised to hear from me at all. It almost sounded like she was expecting my call. I didn’t have a suit that I could wear for interviewing so I paired a gray button down top with black slacks and a light weight black jacket. It isn’t perfect but it’ll have to do and at least I look presentable. The center is located in a nearby strip mall and is close enough for me to walk to, when I get there I’m met by Sarah at the front desk. She’s young, I can’t imagine her being older than twenty five. She’s about my height, but thinner with blond hair and deep blue eyes. She gushes over Lily and takes her from me immediately carrying her around like she’s known her all along.
“I’m so glad you called. Logan said you were looking for work but were worried about childcare. He knew I was hiring and thought that this might be a great fit for you.” She has a warmth about her, it radiates through her pores. I don’t know why but I feel safe when I’m around her, I feel like I can trust her but there’s also that part of me that wants answers. It’s the part of me that has thought of nothing more than Officer Tate since I met him. There’s something about him that draws me in and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since. But now I have to wonder if he and Sarah are more than just friends, and I find it even harder to justify the feeling that comes over me when I think of them together. It’s nothing more than jealousy in its purest form.
“How do you know Officer Tate?”
“His sister is my best friend. I’ve known him and his family most of my life.”
“He’s a good guy,” she says as she takes me on a tour of the center, showing me classroom after classroom as she goes. The center has several levels, the babies and younger kids on the lower level and the preschool age children on the second floor. There’s also a basement that houses a small library and another classroom.
She leads me into her small office and takes a seat behind her desk, still holding Lily in her arms.
“This little girl is a doll. You seem to be doing a really good job with her.”
“Thank you.”
“So Kelly, what did you think? Is this the kind of place where you’d be interested in working?”
“I think so. What would I be doing exactly?”
“Well, we’re hiring several teaching aids so you’d be helping the teachers watch after the children, helping prepare arts and crafts, getting snacks and lunches ready and some basic clean up.”
“What about Lily?”
“Generally you would be required to pay tuition for Lily, but Logan is a good friend and he asked me for a favor. He never asks for favors so I know this is important to him. Lily can stay in the infant room while you work in the toddler class.”
“I don’t know what to say, that would be amazing.”
“Alright then. How soon can you start?”
“Right away, today.”
“How about you start at seven on Monday morning?”
“That sounds perfect.”
“Okay. I just need you to fill out the employment package and I’m going to need a copy of your license and social security card for the file.”
“I’m sorry, Sarah, but that’s going to be a problem.”
“Oh?”
“I’m sure Officer Tate me
ntioned that Lily and I are on our own. I won’t have access to most of my documents for another few weeks.”
“Well, what happens in another few weeks?”
“I turn eighteen.”
“I see. Did your family really kick you out, Kelly?”
“Well, in a not so roundabout way.”
“You can trust me. I’m not out to hurt you, you can tell me what’s going on.”
Inside I’m conflicted, telling her my story is risky. I would be giving her the power to decide my fate. If she wanted, she could call Officer Tate immediately and at that point I won’t even have a chance to run. Can I really trust her to keep my secret to help someone who she doesn’t know live a lie? Even if it is for a good cause, even if it is to keep a mother and daughter together? Looking in her eyes I can tell that she genuinely cares, that she really does want to help us but how far is she willing to go? I still don’t trust that she won’t report me, but I let the story take shape before I can change my mind and I’ll think about the consequences later. “My parents were forcing me to give Lily up for adoption, It was either that or be cut off from my family. I didn’t think I had a choice so I agreed, but it was never what I really wanted and once I gave birth and I saw her for the first time, I couldn’t go through with it.”
“So you ran away?” She questions. I can hear the shock in her voice.
“Yes.”
“And you’re afraid to use your license or social security card because you think they may be able to trace you somehow.”
“Yes.” I say, confirming her theory. “I’ll be eighteen in just a couple of weeks and by that time it won’t matter. They can’t legally make me come home or try and take Lily away from me.”
“Is your name really Kelly?”
I hesitate briefly then shake my head.
“I’m not going to turn you in. You can tell me.”
Shelter You Page 2